It's a beautiful day. Spring is about to fold into Summer flawlessly. You're walking down a beautiful street, going home, free of all cares. The birds are singing, the flowers are blooming, and the grass is a beautiful green. Everything is perfect, you could say. But wait. Your head jerks up suddenly. You sense something. You slowly turn around 180 degrees, and its presence makes itself known. It's him. It's that kid that wears his headphones around his neck. Fuck. You start picking up the pace. You're a good 50 yards away from him anyway. It's only a few blocks to your house, right? Still, you can't shake his presence. You turn around again. He's still there, and gaining speed. You take a sharp right, taking the long way home, in hopes that he won't follow you. You notice you're sweating. You slowly turn around, and there he is. Twenty feet away. It's time to get serious. But before we do that, let's back up a little bit.
Just Who Is This Fucker, Anyway?
Come on, you all have this guy. Whether you're hanging out with friends, or alone, he just seems to be...there. And he always has those goddamn headphones around his neck. They're called headphones. Not neckphones. No one wants to hear your shitty music. And what the fuck is that you're listening to, anyway? Like, fucking Japanese trip-hop? Dude, no. And he breathes weird, too. And he's ugly.
The Race Heats Up
So anyway, you start jogging. Nothing too intense, but just fast enough so maybe he'll get the idea that you don't want him around. But no. He probably thinks you're fucking running for fun or some shit. Who does that, anyway? He's gaining on you. Shit. Just keep the pace, he'll get the idea soon. Suddenly you realize you're going the wrong way, you missed the turn to your house about two blocks ago. But going back would mean crossing paths with him, and we all know you can't do that. So you try to find another way to get to your house. You jump onto someone's lawn and start running, maybe knocking a few lawn gnomes over in the process. He does the same. You start running faster and faster, and to your bewilderment, he still seems to think you want to be with him. Goddamn. The echo of his music starts to get into your ears. He's got that shit blasting. "Kaiwa shima la desu shi~~".
Shit, no. I mean, it's got this pretty cool horn part but that's about it. I've got nothing against the Japanese, but their music is just kinda shit. Anyway, the tune is totally getting stuck into my head, and you're distracted. You slam into a house and break the window. Oh god. He's 10 feet away from you. You look up at the roof and the gutter on it, and you know what to do.
How to Recognize and Avoid The Headphones Kid
The most common misconception about the kid who wears his headphones around his neck is that he always has to have headphones. This is not true; he may not even own a pair. But someone can still be a headphones kid in spirit. This may somewhat impede your ability to spot him out. Where are you reading this? Your house? Look up. He's right there. Oh, you looked too slow. He left.
The Chase Thickens
You take one last look behind you, bend your knees, jump up and grab onto the gutter, from which you pull yourself up onto the roof. You start running with longer strides, and jump onto an adjacent roof. You keep roof-jumping without looking back until you feel his presence again. You stop moving, swing your body around, and see him two roofs away. You quickly turn back around and continue running as fast as you can from roof to roof, but you realize it's not enough. After your legs start to tire you take out you cell phone and press the hidden button on the side. Your mind races and your palms are sweating, but you keep running and jumping from roof to roof until you see a helicopter off in the distance. You know if you can make it, then you're in the clear. You suddenly turn around and start running and jumping backwards. You, in a spontaneous decision, start doing acrobatic moves; cartwheeling and somersaulting over roofs. He starts doing the same.
You hear the helicopter behind you. Without turning around, You lunge as far as you can facing backwards, and land right into the helicopter. You accidentally knocked out the pilot in the process, but no big. You put on the aviator headphones and microphones and start flying away. As soon as You turn the headphones on, a look of horror sweeps across your face, as it would anyone's: Japanese lyrics start flooding into your ears. You quickly, in one movement, turn the headphones off and throw them out of the open window. You search around; you feel his presence again. Suddenly, with utter horror, you slowly tilt your head upward. He's on top of the helicopter, right beneath the fast spinning blades.
Your horrified face quickly turns to a grin, and you know exactly what to do. You set the helicopter into over drive mode, and suddenly flip upside down, landing the kid onto the blades. His body is chopped up into a million pieces by the blades, and they all fall into a pile onto the street, along with his headphones. You take a parachute and jump out of the helicopter, which quickly crashes and burns into somebody's house. You release the parachute and float safely to the ground. You start your walk home, wondering what's for dinner, and quietly humming "Kaiwa shima la desu shi~~". What can I say, it's catchy.
- ↑ Anyone who actually looked up is a loser and probably a headphones kid too