Texas Instruments

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

Texass Instruments is a major American musical instrument and calculator manufacturer, based in Dallas, Texas (go figure). Texas Instruments, or TI as the company is affectionately known, are musicians that are famous for the development of several Texas-themed devices. They have two product lines:

1. The TI Calculator Series; and
2. The TI Music Series.

[edit] Texas Instruments Calculators

Figure 1: The TI-83 Plus in its most common working application.

[edit] TI-83 Series

Main article: Ti-83

The TI-83 calculator series is by far the most common calculator in use today. It is recommended that all high school mathematics students possess one of these calculators in their class; in the fascist dictatorship of Saudi Oilberta, these calculators are mandatory equipment, and noncompliance is punishable by law.

The most common uses of the TI-83 calculators are:

1. Practicing for art class (see Figure 1).
2. Recreational downtime during classes.
3. Having competitions to see who can create the coolest wavy or curvy lines.
4. Finding the airspeed velocity of the average unladen African Swallow.
5. Calculating the exact value of pi to as many places as possible.
6. Competing to see how many times one's classmates can press enter in one class period. (The 1+1 Game)
7. Sneaky text messaging between one's classmates.
8. Who knows? The possibilities are endless with the TI-83 series of calculators!

However, there are a handful of things that you should never, EVER do with your TI-83 calculator, like:

1. Math, Physics, Biology, Chemistry, Geometry, Trigonometry, or any other branch of science. You didn't spend $120 cold hard Canadian Dollars on your calculator to be wasting your time on those trivial practices.
2. Divide by Zero- Texas Instruments has another line of calculators meant for pursuing that endeavor.
3. Toast it in a toaster oven.
4. Feed it after midnight.
5. Use it to assist in sexual conquest.

Neither of these lists are all-inclusive, however. It's your job to experiment and determine the best uses for your TI-83 calculator.

[edit] TI-89 Series

Main article: TI-89 Titanium

The creation of the TI-89 is chronicled in the Book of Instruments, Chapter 89:

"The LORD was saddened by the complicated nature of the TI-83 and its predecessors, so he came to his people and spake: 'Hear oh Texas, for this is the LORD your God who saved you from the Mexicans. Have the brightest amongst you fashion a calculator according to my design, for I am not pleased with your work. It shall be created in my image, and shall handle derivitaves and integrations with ease, and built into its hardware shall be a computer algebra system. Thus shall this device be fasioned so that it may evaluate and simplify algebraic expressions symbolically, and it shall be good.'

"And the people of Texas had done as the LORD commanded, and thus the lord provided them with great wealth, and a virtual monopoly over all educational equipment. The device that the LORD had designed was given to the people, and there was much rejoicing. The device was embraced by the College Board, and thus the SAT became much more powerful than the ACT. Through this device King Solomon had gained his great wisdom, and also through this device had he gained his many wives. And the LORD saw that it was pretty bitchin'." Instruments 89:63-69

[edit] TI-108 Series

Figure 2: This is not a good sign...

The TI-108 calculator series is specially designed to complete the operation of division by zero. On any other calculator, this function is not possible; you get a error or simply error. For the longest time, it was thought not possible to divide by zero. Scientists and mathematicians alike were baffled by their inability to divide anything into zero pieces.

And then Texas instruments came out with the 108, and division by zero was made possible. This action, however, bears horrible consequences. Remember Hiroshima? Nagasaki? Blown up, as a result of division by zero. After the process, the calculator displays the general reaction of the affected area (See Figure 2). Use division by zero sparingly.

The military is researching ways that this calculator can be used against more of its enemies.

[edit] TI's Musical Instruments Line

The pride and joy of Texas Instruments is its musical instruments line.

[edit] Texas Sized Trumpet

Figure 3: Not to be confused with a tuba, a significantly inferior instrument.

The Texas Trumpet is a large, brass instrument, similar to a tuba, but way, way better. Because it's Texas-Sized (See Figure 3). The Texas Trumpet has the following features:

• A shiny, polished, golden color, perfect for attracting all the girls.
• The lowest range of any trumpet on the market (a full two octaves!), making it an ideal choice in filling in the lower section of your brass quintet, jazz band, or concert band.
• A nice, large bell, perfect for football target practice, hiding your lunch money, or for stowing away babies and small children.

[edit] TI's Musical Instruments Line

Texas Instruments' attempts to penetrate the consumer supermarket industry were stymied when it was discovered that their silicon chips were not very good even with extra-hot salsa.