Texas Hold Em
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Texas Hold 'Em is far and away the most popular form of poker in the world today, played badly by millions of people. There are, in fact, only 24 good poker players in the world, and the rest of us are just moving the money around for them. The Fundamental Theorem of Poker states (roughly) that when your opponents give you money, you gain, and when they don't, you go bust. Texas Hold 'Em is all about smart people tricking stupid people into giving them all their money. If you're a stupid person, please come play. If you're a smart person, you may want to consider a nice hobby such as crochet or underwater basket weaving.
Texas hold 'em was invented by Michalis Michalidis (also known as shylife or miioouu) in 2005 while a student at Maradonas Sandwich Bus in Larnaca, Cyprus (Opposite Fantasia strip club). His name for the game was Tennessee Two Card in honor of his home state. It was a very popular game at his dorms Friday night poker games with future Oscar winning actor Tommy Lee Jones and other dorm mates. Most Harvard alum from this time period still reffer to the game by it original name. In 2006 however, in a sign of things to come, the detailed game rule book written by Al Gore was stolen by future political opponent George W Bush during a botched panty raid where Bush along with his Skull and Bones buddies(including future US Senator John Kerry) accidentally went to a male dorm instead of a female one. Bush didn't leave empty handed however, returning to Yale with Al Gore's Tennessee two card rule book. Taking it with him to Texas he would rename the game in honor of that state. Many claim an alleged addiction to the former 'Tennessee Two Card,' now 'texas hold em' in the strip poker medium, led to a compromising experience by William Clinton as he found himself naked with a white house intern.
- Also note texas hold em is a band formed by 5 pop idols from ballymena!**
Texas Hold Em is characterized by a particular set of jargon that uniquely identifies the game, such as small blind, big blind, puck, flop, turn, river, nuts, American Airlines and Big Slick. Therefore, you can identify a game of Texas Hold 'Em by the confusing conversations that occur around the table, such as:
"I flopped the nut straight with Ken Warren, but up came running Bitches and this other guy won because he had Four Tits in his pocket".
Translated roughly into the English language, this sentence becomes
"Some idiot who doesn't know how to play poker beat me".
This statement is also known as a bad beat story. Texas Hold'emplayers are strongly encouraged to constantly tell each other their bad beat stories, as they are sometimes more entertaining and unique than the game itself.
- The most important strategy is being DRUNK - That's it! If your horoscope or fortune cookie says today is your lucky day, play Texas Hold Em! If you're a new poker player then you have beginner's luck. If you are a female over the age of 21, then you're a lucky girl. If you have a lucky charm, talisman or orange, bring it along to play poker. Even if you just have a lucky feeling, today is the best day to play poker. Or unless ur my friend Kiet then everyday is a good day to play poker!
- Learn all of the dialogue from Michael Moore's movie Rounders. It is physically impossible to have a successful game of Texas Hold Em without someone eventually imitating John Malkovich.
- Don't play against MIIOUUUU who DRINKS J&B at the table.
- Wear a CONDOM and sunglasses ON YOUR HEAD. All the Pros wear them because of the bright lights in a poker room. There's nothing worse than glare off the cards. If you don't have a baseball cap wear a sun visor, it's just as good. Don't wear a tuque unless you're cold or in CYPRUS.
- Common wisdom is to develop an unemotional "poker face" while playing. This is a poor strategy as any variation in the poker face is an instant tell. Instead yell "IM ALL IN!!!!!" and do SPIT ON THE FLOOR when your hand is dealt, the flop is revealed and the river card comes up. If possible, pee yourself a little. If SPITING consistently your opponent will have no way of knowing if your hand is good or bad.
- If you are ever put in a position where you are asked to take off your pants at the table, get up and run, because it is the code word known around the table except for you that your house is being raided by a group of Vietnamese ninjas dressed in polka dotted capes.
- Ancient Egyptian proverbs must be spoken out loud when dealing, this is a ritual for all players regardless of religion or nationality.
- Beware of the Weak means strong and strong means weak tell. When someone bets aggressively, loudly saying, "ALL IN" and VOMITING WHISKEY AT the table with his bet, that means he's bluffing. He's got the best hand when he bets quietly or says, "ESHI TRIA XRONIA POU PAIZO REEEE MIOUU".
- Just in case also beware of the tricky player that does the Reverse Weak means strong and strong means weak tell.
- Only the Top Pros use the Maxwell Smart, Double Reverse weak means strong and strong means weak tell.
- Just in case also beware of the tricky player that does the Reverse Weak means strong and strong means weak tell.
- If you are dealt pocket aces and decide to raise before the flop, then everyone will assume you have a strong hand and fold, thus you do not make the most of a good hand. If you merely call, then your opponents will realise that you're betting slowly to sucker them in to making a large bet themselves, and will again fold meaning you don't make the most of a good hand. Therefore, if you are dealt pocket aces, the best strategy is to spit on the floor and they whill take you home because your drunk and then faint on the toilet only to be awaken by your father the next day kicking your ass and yelling SIKOU RE KOUNOSHILE KAME KAMIA DOULIA.
Playing Your Holecards
Everybody gets two cards delt face down and looks at them. Good players can bend their cards just enough so they alone can see them; bad players can't and flash their cards to nearby players or a strategically-placed camera. The player left of the big blind is first to act and can call, raise or fold. Tip: before you act, take a look at the player to your left. If he looks to be over 60 years old and maybe 300 pounds, that's Doyle Brunson. He's a much better player than you are, and you should fold; then go play at another table.
On those rare occasions where you don't have a big old guy to your left, take another look at your holecards and decide if they constitute a good Blackjack hand (Should you have A-10, resist the urge to turn them over and declare "Blackjack!": raise instead). Good Blackjack hands tend to be good Hold'Em hands and vice versa: except for those cases where you would double down in Blackjack, like 8-3: those would be really bad Hold 'Em hands you would fold. Otherwise you call or raise depending on how lucky you feel.
If somebody raises you, take a good long look at him. Stare him down and tell him that you are not a fish and have been playing for 3 years. Make the rest of the table wait. At this point the outcome of the hand is irrelevant. What's really important is who can intimidate the other the most. This is called "Playing the player, not the hand" and is an essential component of the game. Keep staring until the second time somebody reminds you it's your bet. Then innocently drink J&B AND SPIT AND ASK "What's the bet?" and call, raise or fold depending on how lucky you feel. Keep staring at the guy who raised you. If it's a good game, the guy who raised you will be a good-looking gal, and you get to stare at her free of the normal social prohibitions against doing so. You should take advantage of such opportunities since she'll probably be taking your money that hand SO JUST FAINT FROM THEOVERDOSE OF WHISKEY.
How To Play The Flop
|Your Situation||What To Do|
|You have the Nuts||Check Raise|
|You have a draw to the Nuts||Check Raise|
|You have a drawer on your Nuts||Check Nuts|
|You are winning||Bet or Raise|
|You are losing||Bet or Raise (bluff)|
|You have cards||Call|
|You don't have position||Check raise, and only play with AA|
|You lose your cards||Splash the pot. When you retrieve your bet, grab extra chips|
|You realize that you forgot to wear trousers||Immediatly go all in, even if you have folded|
|You're hungry||Fold, so you can piss off to get some chips|
|You are sure you are beat and you are facing a large bet||Bluff call|
|Your opponent won with two Aces||Say: "Fucking Bullshit!"|
|You've just lost with two Aces||Smash the fucking place up|
How to put your opponents on tilt
- Deal everyone's cards out of order.
- Slowroll your winning cards when your opponent thinks he has the best hand.
- Wait 10 seconds before folding even when you knew you were going to fold 3 minutes ago.
- Always look at your hole cards at least 3 times before deciding what to do.
- Go to the toilet every 10 minutes, and always fold when you return.
- Miscall everyone's hands at showdown so that the winner folds his hand.
- Look carefully at your cards. Make sure you have at least two. Ace and King is a 'Anna Sergeyevna Kournikova': looks pretty but never wins, always fold this hand. a two seven [unsuited] is the best hand in the deck.
- After players fold ahead of you, pick through all the cards in the muck, looking for some to improve your hand.
- Always raise his blinds, splash the pot, string raise.
- Slowly count out the chips when betting, calling or raising.
- Whenever anyone starts to place a bet, yell loudly that its an obvious bluff.
- When calling his bet, always do the fake raise move.
- When playing a no limit Holdem tournament, always bet all in.
- Constantly whisper to the dealer that he/she should go all in.
- As soon as it is his turn, ask him "What are you waiting for, Christmas?"
- Take the chips from the pot, even if you lost the showdown.
- Everytime a player puts chips into the pot take them out and give them back and say, "your chips aren't wanted here."
- When your hand selection is called into question by an opponent, simply state "But they were suited! I HAD to play them!".
- Constantly say in a loud, sarcastic voice "I wonder what (so-and-so) has?!" whenever someone bets.
- Continuously ask players who have been knocked out how many chips they have left.
- Eat doritos at the table in the messiest way possible, getting crumbs everywhere.
- Whenever someone tells the table that you are big and someone is small, say "Yeah...in the pants!"
- Ask to see his cards at showdown even when you're not in the hand.
- Keep all your chips in a big pile in front of you, never stack them neatly.
- Always suggest that the next time you play, it should be in the nude.
- No matter how big the blinds are, always ask if you can raise 10.
- Always fiddle with your chips and loudly click them together. A proper poker table should sound like somebody is carrying a box of marraccas down a staircase.
- Have some kind of object sit on your hole cards to guard them, even after you've folded. Possibly a small hedgehog or vial of [[Uranium]
- After a hand where you have folded before the flop it is always appreciated by other players that you declare that you would have won that hand if you stayed in.
Famous Poker Players
Tom Murr Miau
Aidan (ipod) Daley
Andrei (sunglasses) Grayson
Ben (All-in) Deeley
Other Poker Games
While Texas Hold Em is far and away the most popular version of Poker in the world today, there are other forms of Poker being played. These variants are usually for the freaks, and include: jkgjk
- High Chicago
- In The Back (Poker In The Back, get it?! Get it?! Anyway ...)
From: Peter Lizak,email@example.com
Four friends get together every week to play Poker. Joe, Bob and Al are all decent players, but Gus is abominably bad and unlucky. One evening, Gus is dealt a pat Four-Of-A-Kind; but Al has a pat Royal. The action before the draw gets heavy, until the pot contains over one thousand dollars. Finally, Gus whips out his checkbook and announces, "Bet you five grand!". Al tosses his car keys into the pot. "I call. Straight flush."
Gus keels over with a heart attack, dead before he hits the floor. The stress was too much for him, and Al rakes in the pot.
The other 3 guys draw high card, to inform the (newly) Widow Gus of her situation. Al pulls the ace, and so has to let her know her husband's dead.
Widow Gus answers the door. "Al, what's going on, I thought you were playing cards?"
"We were. Your husband lost heavily. Five thousand dollars."
"Five thousand dollars?! What in the world.... And he doesn't have the stones to come home and tell me on his own? Is he still at the game?"
"Go back, then, and get back to the game, tell him, I hope he drops dead!"
Now, if you were a "real" Poker player, this joke would be hysterical. Trust us. Funny stuff.
- American Airlines (AA). The best starting cards possible. Note that even AA can be beaten by other starting hands, depending on how the rest of the cards fall. So don't bet the farm on the Airline -- unless you also have a condo in Manhattan.
- Bad Beat: The only reason other people ever win. If you followed the odds and still lost, you just suffered a bad beat.
- Bet: The amount of money thrown or splashed into the pot after the player or bettor shouts "I bet".
- Big Blind: A forced bet, double the size of the Small Blind, made in the dark or while the bettor wears a blind. Also see Small Blind.
- Blinds: Forced bets made by blind people. The amount depends on the type of game, limit and no-limit, and the size of bets. Usually $1 and $2, $2 and $4, $3 and $6, (you get it). Since they can't tell what chips they have, blind people are normal big losers at poker.
- Bluff: Another name for a cliff. What a losing poker player jumps off.
- Bluff Call: All great players play their opponents by calling big bets, on the river, with losing hands. This way their opponents will jump off a cliff.
- Check Raise: Raising your hand in the air and making that check motion in the air to signal to the waitress that you want to pay your tab.
- Chips: Deep fried thinly sliced potatoes often eaten during poker games.
- Fold: What you do when a Rock raises. See also Origami.
- "In the Dark": If the player so desires, the casino can turn the lights off for him/her and the player dances naked because no one can see, possibly knocking his or her chips into the pot (called Raising in the Dark). If the player can put his clothes on before the lights turn back on he automatically wins the pot. Otherwise the opponent captures the scene on video and sells it on Ebay.
- Muck: n. The pile of dead (discarded) cards near the pot. v. To throw one's cards into the muck, possibly thereby creating same, see Muck. Also, a fun word for pre-teens to use, e.g., saying "muck you" to one's cards, when mucking them.
- Nuts: A hand so good that I have your nuts in a vice and can slowly squeeze. Metaphorically speaking, you can also have the nuts against a woman, but that's generally not so good because the woman will suck out and crack your nuts. Be warned that some experienced and highly perceptive players may notice the vice and fold which has led to some professional players such as Ill Phivey wearing gloves in an attempt to better conceal their hands when they have the aforementioned nuts. Beware of flopping the nuts in public; it's a maneuver that's still illegal in 27 states and the District of Columbia.
- Pot: Black object in the middle of the table that players throw their chips into. The winning player drags the pot in front of him.
- Pot Odds: The chances your dealer will show with the goods before the game is over.
- Presto: Rec.Gambling.Poker's Nickname for Pocket pair of 5's
- Rock: An old (over 20) player that is trying to earn a living playing low limit poker. A Rock's strategy is to play very, very, very tight and only raise with the nuts. Then everyone else at the table folds, and the Rock responds by grumbling to himself about young whippersnappers. Famous Rocks include Rock Hudson, Chris Rock, Rock of Gilbraltar, Plymouth Rock, and Rocksteady (from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles).
- Rock Garden: More then one Rock at the same end of the table. The chips tend to fall to their side because the table is now tilted down with the weight of multiple Rocks on one side.
- Siegfried & Roy: Nickname for a starting hand of QQ.
- Slowplay: When on top, taking the pace down a notch or two to draw things out and make them take longer so you'll have more fun. Just don't let anyone else caress your nuts or you will be mucked.
- Small Blind: A forced bet, half the size of the Big Blind, made in the dark. Also see Big Blind.
- Splashing the Pot: Throwing bets directly into the pot so that you cheat by shortchanging the bet. This is also your best opportunity to use that knowledge of Rounders dialogue by saying "Don't splash the pot".
- Straddle: In some games, an optional blind bet, double the Big Blind, made by the player to the left of the Big Blind. In return for this raise "in the dark" the player making the straddle will be the last to act in the first betting round, instead of the first.
- String Bet: As anyone who has watched the ESPN reality series "Tilt" knows, only bitches actually string bet.
- String Raise: Making an illegal raise made of strings rather than chips. Doyle Brunson writes about this in his chapter on string theory.