Tesco Everyday Value

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“Tesco kills the newsagent so we don't have to”
~ Met Police

Tesco Everyday Value is a not just a business/marketing concept, it's a whole design for living. Mr. Tesco had no idea of the monster he would create when he conceived the illegitimate child of quality goods and unwanted bin-bottom scrapings, made legitimate by unscrutable, unreputable trading standards officers. [1]

The concept, the dream

New everyday value

The Tesco Everyday Value Ferrari. Looks great, runs great, lasts five minutes.

Take the humble, ordinary piece of cheese. Not very interesting you might think. But, wrap it in cheap cling film and stick a Tesco Everyday Value label on it and the world of possibilities awaits, for there is concocted a magical chemistry in the consumer's brain that can be described only as a deluded sense of 'mustbuyness'. This is something of a misnomer, for it is in fact nonsense - that 'quality' piece of cheese has been carted halfway across the world, acquiring a considerable amount of mould in the process. It is the Tesco employee's job to flick off this mould and put it on the 'cut price' section.

Yet, this cheese tastes wonderful, more than that freshly matured stilton from the farmer's market ever could. It's the state of mind that brings the customer back to Tesco Everyday Value again and again. [2] And indeed, Tesco are selling the dream. That can of beans for less than 10p. Those underpants for less than that can of beans. That desirable Ferrari you could only ever think of owning in your zaniest dreams. The poor man can now live the life of luxury thanks to high street retail.

The comedown

It is only whilst spending hours on the toilet that the reality kicks in. The realisation that the prime British beef steak you just bought for 25p because it was two days past its sell-by date was not such a great idea. You vow 'never again'.

Not even ASDA can save you now

Tvcc

The Tesco Everyday Value Christmas card. Buy it from Tesco, send it to your relative. They send it back to a card collection service box at Tesco. Thus the evil cycle is complete.

And yet still, for some reason, you continue to buy this stuff, like it's an addiction. Only this addiction is something you cannot be cured of - rendered limbless and listless by E Coli and numerous other harmful bacteria, the customer cannot summon the energy to travel further than the local Tesco store, only minutes from your house. Your car, once your prized possession, had to be reposessed due to the Tesco Everyday Value insurance being sky-high. And it's not as if you could go to Kwik Save anyway - Tesco bought it out last week.

The power of Tesco Everyday Value

Therein lies the ultimate power of Tesco Everyday Value. They say "what are you gonna do about it?" You say, like a gullible fool, "give me more Tesco Everyday Value". Like a building society, once they hook you in with their cheap gimmicks and free sponge pudding and dumplings, you're stuck with them for life. It isn't like you have any choice in the matter. The local farmer's markets are dead, outpriced and outnumbered by The Big T.

Tesco Everyday Value Challenge

Takes place usually at the Chester branch, where each participant puts in £2 into a pot and as much varied Tesco Everyday Value branded food as possible is bought. This food is then consumed in the nearby Cathedral gardens. ALL FOOD MUST BE CONSUMED. Every little helps, because everyone's a winner.

If you don't know the game don't edit it...we go by Chester rules, which are the rules set out as part of the ITEVC (International Tesco Everyday Value Challenge) Code of Conduct in 2004.

There are no bonus points

You eat it

And it's the last person to chuck

Thems are the rules...if we had no rules where would we be? FRANCE! And if we had too many rules where would we be? GERMANY!

Footnotes

  1. Or maybe he did, and just wanted to watch the world suffer.
  2. Some might say artificially altered, almost

Disclaimer

Tesco is great. I have never been ill due to consuming bought from Tesco. Al's Fried Chicken, however, was another matter.

See also

  • Tesco
  • Tescos - what's better than Tesco? More than one Tesco.
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