Tesco Territorial Army

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The Tesco Territorial Army (or the gang formerly known as Tesco Terrorist Army) is the value version of Al Qaeda. On many levels TTA and Al Qaeda are the same, as they operate under the same ethical code (which happens to be fuck everything ethic) but due to the TTA being value, and more importantly British, they are likely to take too many tea breaks and have an accent that’ll annoy you to no end.

edit Establishment of TTA

edit 1900’s

It was in 1902 when a poor market seller decided he’d lived his life in too much squalor and turned to the black market to solve his problems. Down the black alley (named as such due to the concentration of other ethnic minorities found there) he stumbled across a shifty looking Middle Eastern man, with a towel around his head, who offered to make all of his problems disappear.

Tescohen (the market seller) decided to take this risk and accepted the help being offered. The Middle Eastern man (later discovered to be Osama Bin Laden) pulled out a novel called the Qu’ran and let Tescohen look over the wealth of information inside. It detailed how this bloke called Allah (a psychic in contact with God) commanded his followers to blow up everything.

And Allah said: Go forth and blow up your enemies and rule the world; you shall be called terrorists

Tescohen didn’t quite understand how he could do this, but under the guide of his Middle Eastern man things came together.

edit 1920’s

It took 20 years of scheming, plotting, planning and tea-breaks to put their plan into action. Tescohen sensed a gap in the market after the war as everyone in Britain was starving hungry. Bin Laden tapped up some his contacts from Iraq to hijack food lorries, which were then taken to Tescohen’s base of operations; Tesco Food Ltd. in South London.

Because the food was all chavved off others, he could sell it at knock-off prices which meant no one cared about the poor quality or the likelihood of food poisoning after consumption. However, he only targeted one area of the market (the lower/working classes) and soon other market sellers, with the enlisted help of other religious sects established supermarkets.

edit 1930’s

Competition was getting stiffer by the minute during the 30’s, with the establishment of Waitrose (Rose Waitkins supported by Christians) and Morrison’s (Morris’s sons and the Scientologists). Turning to the Qu’ran for guidance, Tescohen remembered the wise words of the psychic about using ‘terrorism’ to destroy everyone else.

At this point, he hadn’t quite mastered the art of Terror- and instead enlisted Street Urchins to sit outside of his main competitor, ASDA, and glare at anyone entering (much like modern methods of Chav-baiting). This did work, as Ada Sands closed her stores and went to America, where she used Tescohen’s methods to set up Walmart.

edit 1940’s

Tescohen approached his mentor; Bin Laden for help on how to cause this terrorism that would ruin his rivals and allow his global conquest. It was at this point when he left the UK to spend time in Iraq at a training camp; and soon after the arrival of WW2, Tescohen left Iraq and returned to Germany to learn how to incite racial hatred and mass genocide from infamous Hitler.

When Hitler made his last move as dictator by sacrificing himself in a suicide attack on the FBI, Tescohen returned to Britain full of knowledge on how to dictate, how to incite violence and pure blooded terrorism. Sensing that others would need to someday follow his teachings; he wrote the Tec’ran (renamed to the Tesco Staff Handbook in 1991).

edit 1950’s

Tescohen then made his move into expansion even more by opening even more stores in London, making sure he had a monopoly on most places (his most successful store turned out to be Mayfair with 4 hotels on it). It was then he realised that alone and with one store his efforts at Terrorism were fine; but with such a large amount of stores that required his skills he needed a workforce.

He decided that his workforce should not only be trained in how to work in the store, but also in Terrorism, which is when the Tesco Terrorism Army (TTA) was formed. Each member of staff had to attend a 6 hour course on how to work in store, followed by a 4-day terrorism training camp.

This training included:

  • Methods of mass intimidation, such as learning how to record customer service announcements to terrify everyone, terrorism videos (adverts) and bullying minority supermarket groups.
  • Both petty vandalism (defacing posters of other spokespeople) and actual vandalism (smashing up opposing store fronts)
  • Creation of WMD’s (Weapons of Mass Diarrhoea) and other weapons.
  • Suicide bombings
  • The ability to preach the Tec’ran to everyone, and ignoring rational thought
  • Methods of infiltration into other stores; including the ability to bulk-buy there and then sell for profit in Tesco and resist deportation.

edit 1970’s

Tescohen was getting on a bit by this time, but decided he wanted to keep Tesco in the family and so introduced his son, Tescohen Metro, to the business. Metro was a little more greedy than his father and saw that not only was it enough to have Supermarkets but there was a space for highstreet stores and he developed Tesco Metro to lure even more people to their death/insufferable loyalty. At the same time this required an expansion of the TTA and soon the numbers reached a quarter of the British population.

At the same time, the rival stores were making a come-back as Tescohen had not been as ruthless as he should have been, claiming that President Bush was keeping a close eye on anything with Terrorist connections. Metro then took the name and redeveloped it, calling them the Tesco Territorial Army, meaning the heat was off them and they could now simply claim collateral damage and resist prosecution.

edit TTA Recruitment

The modern TTA is not as primitive as the Tesco Territorial Army of 1970’s. Unlike this time, the TTA now has strict employing rules and methods that ensure they pick up the best candidates to work in store. Normally the recruitment officers (known as the Human Resources) hang around outside of school gates, waiting for truants to appear, and those with 5 GCSE’s are lured in with the promise of minimum wage work.

Of course, there is also the need for teenagers that could make managers, so the Human Resources return to the gates at ‘home time’ and prey on the teenagers with more than 5 GCSE’s (or prefect badges) and lure them in with the promise of good references for college.

They always fail to mention that you’re in for life.

Once inside the store, you are issued with the Staff Handbook, which you are expected to learn as these are the laws of the store. You are given an evening to memorise the facts, if you do not you are turned away from Tesco and to Asda. Those that learn the Handbook are taken onto the training camp, in which they are issued their uniforms and badges, before being taught everything that is vital for a member of the TTA to know.

One journalist infiltrated the camp back in 2007, after the opening of Tidworth Tesco:

I was issued a blue uniform, whilst most of my class were issued with the red. When I asked my commanding Officer what it meant; he told me that it was according to our role in the Army. ‘The blue’ he said ‘is for those with 5 GCSE’s with A*-C grades, you will be on our planning operations, building the WMD’s and infiltrating our enemies. The red on the other hand…’ He paused, ‘won’t be leaving the store alive.’

Soon after publication, the journalist was found dead outside her home, strangled with a Tesco plastic bag.

edit In the Training Camps

The Tesco Territorial Training camps are much like summer camps crossed with internment camps. How does that work!? I hear you cry, It's the best place on Earth crossed with one of the worst! Ahh, well it's quite simple actually; by day they work non-stop learning all the tools of the trade, and by night they do arts and crafts around the campfire which are then sold on as father's day gifts.

The camps are strictly ID only (identification requires a clock-in card and a uniform) anyone found in non-regulation uniform/civvies will be shot on sight. Survivors will be shot again)

The TTATC (Tesco Territorial Army Training Camps) are located in places no one wants to visit; such as the Yorkshire Moors, Salisbury Plain, Bodmin Moor and Wales

edit See also

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