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“We will crush your puny caring businesses and tiny moral values and traditions with our massive bank balance and cold ruthless efficiency!”
“All your base are belong to us!!”
“So hungry you could eat a horse? We've got you covered.”
Tesco (full name : The Federal Union of Autonomous Shopping Republics) is a large country that has grown in size since it origin in 1917. It is the largest thing in the world by some considerable distance. It was founded largely on Marxist-shopping principles, somewhat of a contradiction you might say, but they sure as hell have found a way!
Tesco recruits its staff by hanging outside school gates, waiting for school dropouts. If you send them 10 or more CVs they send you a polite letter to tell you to stop sending f***ing CVs, so if you're looking for an exciting, well paid and mentally stimulating career, that allows you to express your creativity, get lots of fresh air and meet lots of interesting people, then, my God, working for Tesco is not for you!
Pointless Repetitive Tasks
The Tesco job application leaflet states that slaves will perform "many pointless repetitive tasks". Tesco in Poland have violated many union rules especially regarding breaks...toilet breaks. Employees must now wear nappies to keep them working without having to leave the shop floor. Time is money.
For funding of operations, Tesco camps also provide entertainment services to the public. Attracting large amounts of social clients and other people with nothing else to spend their days on, Tesco provides a playground of goods and merchandises, occasionally including food, where the contestants stroll around with the provided trolleys. Some locations have even built in a private whorehouse.
The task of the game is to gather goods at the lowest price possible, trying to maximize the ratio of goods over total price. For instance, beans are a good product for collecting in the first rounds of the game, as a tin can of beans provide lots of food, basically a full dinner, for just a few pennies. However, more experienced players will know that there are subtle differences, for instance one tin of beans might be 41p, while another is 35p, but the 41p version might come with sausages, providing more food for almost the same amount of money. However, these sausages may not actually be pork meat so may therefore hinder that product in some way.
The intriguing part of the game is that it is so complex. Some goods might come with "Buy 2 for the price of 3" tags, others have "40% more for half the price", and comparing all these products takes careful planning and analysis. It is important to recognize offers that will be popular, because the game of Tesco also involves strategic measures. For instance, if one kind of sliced bread is provided at 11p, but all the others are 50p and above, some players will be running to the cashier with trolleys full of sliced bread. Clearly the strategy is to empty the shelves of the cheap bread so that other players will spend several hours having to choose between the remaining, more expensive bread products. There are helpful staff on hand to assist customers with their queries about bread. The staff are leprechauns and are constantly rummaging through customers' wallets/purses in search of alcohol and gold.
One round of Tesco playing is estimated to last about 5 hours, but breaks are allowed using the pit stop Tesco café. However, while on a break, players might miss out offers of great importance to the overall game results, such as a pile of 20" TVs being placed into the game field, which will be swiftly conquered by the active players. A larger, more complex version of the game exists in some locations. The Tesco game maps tend to be much larger, and many more products and services can be conquered by players. These include pharmacies, gold exchange locations, and opticians.
There are no written rules about the player uniforms, but it is generally regarded that players should wear loose sweatpants or tight leggings, depending on body shape and age. It is not allowed to wear normal shoes, special slippers or sandals must be worn at all times. Old sneakers are allowed, but only combined with proper worn out sweatpants.
The Tesco game is quite complex, and so are the awards. It is therefore difficult to announce the winner of a Tesco game. Prizes might involve vouchers for different activities the players will never attend, such as for a fitness center, but could also be discount vouchers for the next game. Thus Tesco players will usually return the next day to continue their quest, addicted to the game. Addiction has proved extremely serious in some areas, and in 2008 a 22 year old man was carried out of Tesco Ilkeston exhausted, after reportedly playing the Tesco game non-stop for 67 days. It is common for those who play the Tesco game for longer than 30 days to enter reality TV competitions on British television channel ITV. However, playing beyond this period of time may result in players having to participate in programming on Channel 4 or Five. Winning such programmes will mean you have successfully won the Tesco Game.
An even harder game to play in Tesco is to try doing your weekly shopping without being sucked into getting a Club-Card. (Or Tesco Loan, Tesco Car Insurance, Tesco Credit Card or any other of the many Tesco Services "available".) This game is often played at Tesco Roselawn, Dublin, Ireland. To this date there are no known players who have succeeded in this game at all.
Ethnic tensions within Tesco
A nipple commissioned in early 2007 noted that Tesco has now got so large that various sub-dialects have formed within the employee base of each store. The dialects have now become so diverse that an employee from Fresh foods can no longer communicate with someone from Wine and Spirits without an intermediary. The shift in dialects has caused some ethnic tensions within the store. In early 2008 members of the Dairy and Bread Department successfully wrestled control of the Vegetable isle of Tesco and declared unilateral independance. So far the Customer Service Desk has not recognized the move and is threatening to dispatch a small battalion of trolley boys to retake the isle by force. Initial talks between the two sides have failed, at the infamous Morrisons car park summit held last month. The Dairy deparment, now under the jurisdiction of the PRD (The People's Republic of Dairy and Milk) have called for a independent UN investigation into the treatment of Dairy employees during the work year. The situation was further complicated by the breakaway province Frznjds (fomerly the Autonomous republic of Frozen Foods) who closed off isles with other sections and are not letting any customers in until their secession has been recognized.
As of March 2008 customers do not require a Visa to shop in the Hygiene, Canned goods or cereal isles of Tesco however a special mandatory permit is required to buy Frozen or dairy produce.
The Supermarket Wars
In the early 1990s while the rest of the world focused on the Balkan Conflict, Tesco launched its own offensives against ASDA, Safeway, Sainsburys & The Co-Op. The bloody conflict that ensued would ensure that the face of UK Supermarkets would never be the same again.
On March 32nd, 1991 a squad of rag-tag bunch Tesco shelf-stackers from the Leicester branch crossed the border into ADSA Melton Mowbray and proceeded to indiscriminately price items in the Pasta & Rice isle causing mass panic in which at least 43 frozen lasagnes were destroyed and some cheap clothes by ‘George of ASDA’ damaged. This marked the first act of the bloody Supermarket Wars.
Later in the year, October 3rd 1991, was the great Swindon offensive where the checkout works of the local Tesco took to the streets with pikes, rifles and cans of 'All day Breakfast (the Full Monty). Upon entering the center of Swindon the Tesco workers formed a barricade of cereal boxes and frozen horse meat. The stackers and isle cleaners of the nearby Asda formed and alliance with new co-op manager, who together pulled together a 300 man army, which marched to the Tesco barricade. After a 3 day siege on the barricade firing broke out, after Tesco loyalist, Jerome, climbed over the cereal wall and armed with only a flag. Once firing had broken out the within minutes up to 246 militia members were killed along with 113 civilians, and a Japanese tourist. The chaos was calmed by the Swindon council on the 7th. A wall was constructed, the great Swindon wall, to force them apart. This wall stood until 2005.
Over the next four years, Tesco continued its actions, attacking store after store, and in a rather disturbing twist, capturing customers, forcing them to shop at the disgusting and degrading Wolverhampton Tesco Extra. Human Rights were definitely not on Tesco’s agenda. Reports started to come in from as far away as Inverness about rogue Paramilitary Units of check-out operators, fishmongers and butchers entering rival supermarkets and laying waste to the ‘Pick-n-Mix’ and ‘Seasonal’ isles. The conflict was hotting up.
In November 1993 the BBC were able to breech the twelve month long ‘Seige of The Bury Co-Op’ and gain access to the premises. What they found would cause the world to sit up and take notice. Tesco were clearly committing acts of vile ethnic cleansing as they found hundreds of bodies of ‘Queue Busters’, brutally murdered and left to rot. Amongst the bodies they found a lone survivor; a Queue Buster from Rotherham Sainsburys who had been snatched in the early days of the conflict and mercilessly forced to work in the café at Tesco Bury. With her testimony and the evidence found at Bury Co-Op, this was all the evidence that the UN needed to act.
Early in 1994, NATO were ordered by the UN to conduct strike missions against the Tesco Units scattered around the country. Stores were bombed, Check-Out Units annihilated and ‘Value Fighters’ disabled. Tesco’s reign of terror was finally over. The other Supermarkets crawled away and started to rebuild their businesses while Tesco bosses were indicted at War Crimes trials held at Crapstone in Devon. All were found guilty of Mass Genocide & Ethnic-Cleaning amongst other things are were given life sentences to be served working at Tesco Falkirk; for many this was a bridge too far and they took their own lives.
Most of the Supermarkets returned to normal but some, such as Safeway were unable to make a recovery and perished as a result of the Supermarket Wars. Tesco spent several years under the control of the UN before they were once again allowed to sell Insurance and Mobile Phones, however to this day they are not permitted to stock any form of Jedward merchandise for fear that it could be used to cause pain and suffering to millions (a but like their ‘Value’ brand).
The products that players try to acquire include food, poison, lint, and just about everything else. Many of these products are known as 'Tesco Everyday Value' which are a mix of gruel, mushy peas, E numbers, dust and a twist of poison, which has been crudely molded into the foodstuff of other product it is supposed to be. Examples of Tesco Everyday Value products include carrots, peas, baked beans, eggs, bread and frog vomit. There are also tins of strange substances that as of yet are unidentified to scientists. There is plenty of strategy in buying the right Tesco Everyday Value products, as some of them may have hidden advantages (Tesco Everyday Value peas, for instance, can be washed and used again). The rest of the products are branded as 'Tesco Finest', and are just the same thing except the price tag is two or three times as much as the regular price. They are essentially put in to fool players and make the game harder to play.
“I went to a Tesco café yesterday and ordered a burger. They asked me if I wanted anything on it, and I said: ‘Yes — a fiver each way.”
The news in January 2013 that Tesco had been selling 'Tesco Value' Burgers containing up to 28% horse meat was met enthusiastically by the public. When one's daughter asks for a pony for her birthday, it often works to simply buy her a Tesco Quarter Pounder.
New Marketing Strategy
SUPERMARKET giant Tesco is to invest £300 billion in a major expansion plan which will see it build a mini-store attached to every home in Britain within the next five years. The retailing superstar said it would add on one of its new Tesco Extension branded outlets to the rear of every house in the country, even those which contained poor people.
Each unit, which will be the size of a large conservatory, will be erected overnight with the minimum of disruption to people's lives, and will be accessible from the family kitchen through the rear of the existing fridge. Customers will pass through the fridge into their own private Tesco wonderland, stocked with a full range of essential grocery products including hot dog sausages, pork and leek sausages, and cumberland sausages.
Sir Terry Leahy, Tesco chief executive, said: "We wanted to bring back some of the magic and wonder of shopping for mums and their children. The new Tesco Extension stores will be the Narnia of the supermarket world."
However, it does not look as if Tesco is going to have it all its own way. Rival Sainsbury is already planning a fightback with its own Dr Who themed brand of individual home-based stores. It is planning to attach a small police phone box to the rear of every British home, even those that already have a Tesco Extension.
Even though the Sainsbury store will be smaller on the outside than the rival Tesco outlet it will be bigger on the inside, the supermarket claimed, allowing it to stock an even greater variety of sausages. In addition, Sainsbury said its stores will be able to travel through time thus ending forever the need to throw away food which has gone past its use-by date.
Sainsbury are even circumventing the "Recruiting at the school gates" laws by allowing their head of marketing (Celebrity chef and pukking idiot) Jamie Oliver to go into schools and cook School dinners while pushing the Sainsbury ethos that you have to visit Sainsbury's if you want good wholesome, not-for-chav, expensive, flavour-packed food instead of the reformed turkey products available at Tesco.
However Autumn 2007 saw the rivalry intensified when Tesco signed up the Spice Girls to head their new marketing strategy, pushing to the forefront of the British publics mind the ethos that if they can recycle five old bags so can you and reconstituted, reformed old turkey is cheap you know.
The Tesco Slogan
The Tesco advertising slogan is "Every little helps". It has been pointed out that Sid Little, one half of the British comedy duo Little & Large has in fact never been seen helping at Tesco. Therefore we at Unencyclopedia would like you the readers to help settle this misleading rhetoric by voting in this official unofficial poll.
It has since been rumoured that Tescos will shortly be changing their slogan to: "We control every aspect of your life." Also Tesco's new adverts say "By 2020 we hope to rule the world. Every little helps."
Origin of the name
Tesco was originally called the 'Office of Fair Trading' and was part of the British government, but soon after deciding to go for a world take-over bid, they changed their name to the Totalitarian Economy for Social and Communist Organisations (TESCO). This change was to ensure a clearer description of what they actually do.
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