Tesco
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“Every time I shop in Tesco, I feel a guilty sympathy towards all the minor shops I'm putting out of business - such as Asda, Morrisons, Aldi..”
~ Oscar Wilde on Tesco
“The true masters of the universe!”
~ skelator on tesco
“we will crush your puny caring businesses and tiny moral values and traditions with our massive bank balance and cold ruthless efficiency!”
~ tesco cheif executive on tesco's business plan for every store in the UK
Manager - Mark Dorling.
Tesco (full name : The Federal Union of Autonomous Shopping Republics) is a large country that has grown in size since it origin in 1958. It was founded largely on Marxist-shopping principles, somewhat of a contradiction you might say, but they sure as hell have found a way!
Tesco recruits its staff by hanging outside school gates, waiting for school dropouts. It has a strict policy of not employing anybody with 5 GCSEs or more. If you send them 10 or more CVs they send you a polite letter to tell you to stop sending f***ing CVs. Not much good for those who need a job and a good wage.
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[edit] Pointless Repetitive Tasks
The Tesco job application leaflet states that slaves will perform "A variety of meaningless, pointless, scandalous, abacus tasks involving tasks usually assigned to the circus midgets and creation of 'Hitler's List'" - Hitler's List is currently undergoing production as a movie directed by Senor Spielbergo - Stephen Spielberg. Tesco in Poland have violated many union rules especially regarding breaks...toilet breaks. Employees must now wear nappies to keep them working without having to leave the shop floor. Time is money.
The manual also states that Hitler is attempting to use his slaves to disprove the Cheese String Theory, saying that all matter in the universe is in fact made of tiny, tiny, tiny swastikas not equally small Cheese Strings, as many have come to believe. This is a precursor to the Tesco on Philosophy range of books due to hit the shelves in 2009.
[edit] Lolonomic?
Tonight Everyone is Shopping at the Co- Op
[edit] Entertainment
For funding of operations, Tesco camps also provide entertainment services to the public. Attracting large amounts of social clients and other people with nothing else to spend their days on, Tesco provides a playground of goods and merchandises, occasionally including food, where the contestants stroll around with the provided trolleys. Some locations have even built in a private whorehouse.
The task of the game is to gather goods at the lowest price possible, trying to maximize the ratio of goods over total price. For instance, beans are a good product for collecting in the first rounds of the game, as a tin can of beans provide lots of food, basically a full dinner, for just a few pennies. However, more experienced players will know that there are subtle differences, for instance one tin of beans might be 41p, while another is 35p, but the 41p version might come with sausages, providing more food for almost the same amount of money. However, these sausages may not actually be pork meat so may therefore hinder that product in some way.
The intriguing part of the game is that it is so complex. Some goods might come with "Buy 2 for the price of 3" tags, others have "40% more for half the price", and comparing all these products takes careful planning and analysis. It is important to recognize offers that will be popular, because the game of Tesco also involves strategic measures. For instance, if one kind of sliced bread is provided at 11p, but all the others are 50p and above, some players will be running to the cashier with trolleys full of sliced bread. Clearly the strategy is to empty the shelves of the cheap bread so that other players will spend several hours having to choose between the remaining, more expensive bread products. There are helpful staff on hand to assist customers with their queries about bread. The staff are leprechauns and are constantly rummaging through customers' wallets/purses in search of alcohol and gold. Dingwall Tesco Rocks
One round of Tesco playing is estimated to last about 5 hours, but breaks are allowed using the pit stop Tesco café. However, while on a break, players might miss out offers of great importance to the overall game results, such as a pile of 20" TVs being placed into the game field, which will be swiftly conquered by the active players.
There are no written rules about the player uniforms, but it is generally regarded that players should wear loose sweatpants or tight leggings, depending on body shape and age. It is not allowed to wear normal shoes, special slippers or sandals must be worn at all times. Old sneakers are allowed, but only combined with proper worn out sweatpants.
The Tesco game is quite complex, and so are the awards. It is therefore difficult to announce the winner of a Tesco game. Prices might involve vouchers for different activities the players will never attend, such as for a fitness center, but could also be discount vouchers for the next game. Thus Tesco players will usually return the next day to continue their quest, addicted to the game. Addiction has proved extremely serious in some areas, and in 2008 a 22 year old man was carried out of Tesco Ilkeston exhausted, after reportedly playing the Tesco game non-stop for 67 days.
[edit] Extra Game
An even harder game to play in Tesco is to try doing your weekly shopping without being sucked into getting a Club-Card. (Or Tesco Loan, Tesco Car Insurance, Tesco Credit Card or any other of the many Tesco Services "available".) This game is often played at Tesco Roselawn, Dublin, Ireland. To this date there are no known players who have succeeded in this game at all.
[edit] Ethnic tensions within Tesco
A report commissioned in early 2007 noted that Tesco has now got so large that various sub-dialects have formed within the employee base of each store. The dialects have now become so diverse that an employee from Fresh foods can no longer communicate with someone from Wine and Spirits without an intermediary. The shift in dialects has caused some ethnic tensions within the store. In early 2008 members of the Dairy and Bread Department successfully wrestled control of the Vegetable isle of Tesco and declared unilateral independance. So far the Customer Service Desk has not recognized the move and is threatening to dispatch a small battalion of trolley boys to retake the isle by force. Initial talks between the two sides have failed, at the infamous Morrisons car park summit held last month. The Dairy deparment, now under the jurisdiction of the PRD (The People's Republic of Dairy and Milk) have called for a independent UN investigation into the treatment of Dairy employees during the work year. The situation was further complicated by the breakaway province Frznjds (fomerly the Autonomous republic of Frozen Foods) who closed off isles with other sections and are not letting any customers in until their secession has been recognized.
As of March 2008 customers do not require a Visa to shop in the Hygiene, Canned goods or cereal isles of Tesco however a special mandatory permit is required to buy Frozen or dairy produce.
[edit] Products
- Main article: Tesco Value
The products that players try to acquire include food, poison, lint, and just about everything else. Many of these products are known as 'Tesco Value' which are a mix of gruel, mushy peas, E numbers, dust and a twist of poison, which has been crudely molded into the foodstuff of other product it is supposed to be. Examples of Tesco Value products include carrots, peas, baked beans, eggs, bread and frog vomit. There are also tins of strange substances that as of yet are unidentified to scientists. There is plenty of strategy in buying the right Tesco value products, as some of them may have hidden advantages (Tesco value peas for instance can be washed and used again). The rest of the products are branded as 'Tesco Finest', and are just the same thing except the price tag is two or three times as much as the regular price. They are essentially put in to fool players and make the game harder to play.
[edit] How Crap it is
A piece of Smoked Cod Loin is now £47,000 pounds, some customers have had heart attacks when told the price. All the stuff is crap like there coffee. It was made by a hobo. The service sucks they offered me 2 jelly babies for £1
every little helps? every little helps my ass
[1] link title
[edit] New Marketing Strategy
SUPERMARKET giant Tesco is to invest £300 billion in a major expansion plan which will see it build a mini-store attached to every home in Britain within the next five years. The retailing superstar said it would add on one of its new Tesco Extension branded outlets to the rear of every house in the country, even those which contained poor people.
Each unit, which will be the size of a large conservatory, will be erected overnight with the minimum of disruption to people's lives, and will be accessible from the family kitchen through the rear of the existing fridge. Customers will pass through the fridge into their own private Tesco wonderland, stocked with a full range of essential grocery products including hot dog sausages, pork and leek sausages, and cumberland sausages.
Sir Terry Leahy, Tesco chief executive, said: "We wanted to bring back some of the magic and wonder of shopping for mums and their children. The new Tesco Extension stores will be the Narnia of the supermarket world."
However, it does not look as if Tesco is going to have it all its own way. Rival Sainsbury is already planning a fightback with its own Dr Who themed brand of individual home-based stores. It is planning to attach a small police phone box to the rear of every British home, even those that already have a Tesco Extension.
Even though the Sainsbury store will be smaller on the outside than the rival Tesco outlet it will be bigger on the inside, the supermarket claimed, allowing it to stock an even greater variety of sausages. In addition, Sainsbury said its stores will be able to travel through time thus ending forever the need to throw away food which has gone past its use-by date.
Sainsbury are even circumventing the "Recruiting at the school gates" laws by allowing their head of marketing (Celebrity chef and pukking idiot) Jamie Oliver to go into schools and cook School dinners while pushing the Sainsbury ethos that you have to visit Sainsbury's if you want good wholesome, not-for-chav, expensive, flavour-packed food instead of the reformed turkey products available at Tesco.
However Autumn 2007 saw the rivalry intensified when Tesco signed up the Spice Girls to head their new marketing strategy, pushing to the forefront of the British publics mind the ethos that if they can recycle five old bags so can you and reconstituted, reformed old turkey is cheap you know.
[edit] False Rumours
- Tesco do NOT employ chimps to label the food
- There's NO such thing as a free lunch from Tesco
- Tesco is NOT where me and your mom had our first kiss
- Tesco is NOT where Hitler worked before becoming a rent boy (which he also did NOT do)
- A job at Tesco is NOT the reason why millions of teenagers have enough money to spend on alcohol
- Tesco do NOT encourage staff to sell alcohol to minors.
- Tesco NEITHER employ NOR sell Oompa Loompas.
- The original slogan was NOT 'every little helps, in world domination'
- There is NO such film as Charlie and the Tesco factory.
- Tesco do NOT test their new fried Sewer rats on humans.
- Tesco does NOT have cameras in the toilets.
- Tesco does NOT use Rat rectum in their Pork sausages instead of Pork. Since last week.
- Tesco has NOT bought the other side of the Moon. Yet.
- Tesco is NOT Party Political.
- Tesco is NOT the second largest illegal immigrant transporter (it's first)
- Tesco DO make stupid adverts. Who said we didn't?
[edit] The Tesco Slogan
The Tesco advertising slogan is "Every little helps". It has been pointed out that Sid Little, one half of the British comedy duo Little & Large has in fact never been seen helping at Tesco. Therefore we at Unencyclopedia would like you the readers to help settle this misleading rhetoric by voting in this official unofficial poll.
It has since been rumoured that Tescos will shortly be changing their slogan to:
"We control every aspect of your life."
[edit] Origin of the name
Tesco was originally called the 'Office of Fair Trading' and was part of the British government, but soon after deciding to go for a world take-over bid, they changed their name to the Totalitarian Economy for Social and Communist Organisations (TESCO). This change was to ensure a clearer description of what they actually do.
[edit] See also
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