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Volcano Land of Aloha
The United Kingdom of Hawaii
|Motto: "I went to Hawaii and I got sex twice!"|
|Anthem: "White Christmas", by A Couple of Hot Hawaiian Girls|
Hawaii according to Glenn Beck.
|Capital||Puna, it's where all the fun is happening right?|
|Largest city||What largest city? The island?|
|Official language(s)||Klingon, Spanglish, Filipino, North ameriKorean, Wapanese, and German|
|‑ King||Chief Grand Cherokee|
|‑ Vice King||Osaka bin Ladin|
|National Hero(es)||Peanut-Butter Jelly Banana, Knights who say Ni, Tommy Wiseau, and Gerald Casale|
|Religion||Buddhism and Fundagelical Christianity and Sado Masochism|
|Major exports||Fruits and tacky shirts|
|Major imports||Tourism and Lilo & Stich Products|
Two thousand of years ago, Lemurian tourists known as the Marcs of Kalihi got lost en route to visit Mexican temples. Attempts to attract rescue with several signal volcanoes backfired when Vogons strafed the island with orbital mind control lasers, devastating the island's infrastructure and instantly vaporizing nearly all of the native Polynesian consonants. An advanced civilization eventually grew on the island but was subsequently nuked back to the Stone Age by an evil syndicate called the Missionaries. Eventually more races came and renamed the islands Little Britain. After a glorious rebellion led by Michael Collins and Mel Gibson, the islands were renamed back to Hawaii in 1881. But not to be outdone, the Missionaries overthrew the last monarch and made Hawaii into a very large plantation complete with nuclear missiles hidden in sugar factories until statehood was declared (largely due to the loss of sugar because of those Commies in Cuba). As a result, Michael Collins promised a new rebellion as soon as Godzilla awakens with the help. The United States destroyed Hawaii on December 7, 1941. Nothing larger than a small car remains of it, though it continues to be a popular hiding place for pirates.
edit Current Statehood Status
Hawaii is formally one of the states of The United States of Canada, despite its current status, but Hawaiians downplay the relationship and say they're "really just friends," which is a euphemism for "frickin' haoles overthrew our queen and stole our land." Since most Canadians don't really know where Hawaii is anyway, that works out just fine. Due to travel problems, the Murkan government decided to move the island to a more convenient location. According to the map sitting on my table, Hawaii floats gracefully over Texas.
Although most of Hawaii's population is alright with being part of America, a small fringe minority believe that the 1893 overthrow of the monarchy and subsequent annexation was wrongful and that Hawaii should be its own country. About 15 people who belong to the Hawaiian Sovereignty Movement have seceded from the Union and occupy a small, grassy lot close to downtown Hilo, on the Big Island. At approximately 0.25 acre, the Kingdom of Hawaii is the world's smallest nation. Their economy is financed entirely by the Kalua Pig (see the Food section) that they sell for about $2.25 U.S. Dollars, since the public library won't let them print money on their printers.
A notable incident in Hawaii's ongoing struggle for independence occurred in 2009, when a group of sovereignty activists violently invaded 'Iolani Palace in Honolulu and held the grounds for 45 minutes until they were ousted by police.
Hawaii is populated mainly by game show contestants, Jesus, retired politicians, Surf King Jack Johnson, Japanese tourists, King Kong, fat white tourists, a few natives, army personnel there for the cheap booze and women, and a bunch of buk-buks (Filipinos). Speed Racer retired to Honolulu in 1983, with Trixy.
Hawaii's largest city is Honolulu on the island of Oahu. It is currently controlled by the United States Navy, which operates out of Pearl Harbor. Many people only know that Pearl Harbor had the shit bombed out of it by the Japanese in the film "Pearl Harbor."
Hawaii's second largest community is the thriving metropolis of New Hilo Town, located on the island of Hawaii aka "The Big Island" on the "Puna Boys" side. Its Major League Rugby Team, the "Hilo Mokes," has been the recipient of several suspensions for excessive tackling and performance enhancing drugs. It is served by an underwater tunnel that links it to the other islands.
The rest of the state consists exclusively of grass shacks, resort hotels, coconuts, and Marijuana dispensaries.
Hawaii has a school system that is a tad crappy. I mean, they're OKAY. It's not like they can meet standards for reading and writing, but still, nobody cares. Their sports teams are atrocious though.
Most of the smart kids on O'ahu go to private schools if they are rich enough. The smart kids on the other islands are usually too poor to attend private school. So they go to public schools. That's why Waiakea High in New Hilo City and Maui High on Maui are so goddamn badass. Hawaii's worst educational facility has always been Mid-Pacific Institute. Current principal is Faggot Fuck Rich White Guy. It's best education facility has always been and will be Island Pacific Academy. However, the title of "best education facility" is debatable. Island Pacific is pretty pathetic.
At the collegiate level, the smart kids desert Hawaii in droves, usually leaving to go to schools on the west coast (perhaps out of fear of New England winters). For some reason, the dream schools of pretty much everyone in Hawaiian high schools are Stanford University and the University of Southern California. Sadly, many of them are not smart enough. They end up going to Hawaii's extensive Community College system. Hawaii's state university system is the University of Hawaii. Its main campus is in the lush Manoa Valley, not far from Honolulu. It is home to one of the highest known concentrations of Asian People outside of UC Berkeley. It is also known for its football team, which is good sometimes. The bastard little brother of UH Manoa is UH Hilo, located in New Hilo City. It has the distinction of being a Fifth-Tier "Liberal Arts" University. Private universities do exist in Hawaii. None of them are very good and generally are not deserving of any mention.
Maui is a small atoll island, that is considered part of the Hawaiian Chain. Rumor has it that when large land sloths were crossing the Bear-Ring Straight, they brought a large chunk of New Zealand with them. Maui finally settled into the depths of Hawaii.
Maui received his name from an amphibious cat in heat. After eating her placenta, Maui had more energy than one fwaka on batu. Not knowing that there were actually traces of crystal methamphetamine in the cat's placenta, Maui soon realized his latent need to stay up all night, slapping those fat ragah roaches and folding his kapa. But aunty no mo have time fo cook da meth, so Maui, taking one last huff of cat placenta, chased after LA LA (see teletubbies) the sun, and ever since, the sun has stay bust up. Maui, (the island) for this reason has a longer day, which lasts about as long as one solar year on Venus- resulting in melanoma, and more recently, a traveling group of MELONOMADS. Maui also pulled up a large Relocanth from the water, making it his new home. Kahului is the capital of Maui. It's Airport, is respectively named the [TR]OGG Airport, and wallows in a lowly boggy swampland Near the Hippie Commune of Pai'EEEYYEEAAAA. (See Dave Chapelle)
The only good thing to come out of Maui were Maui Onion Potato Chips. MMMM Good!
edit Agriculture and Economy
Major exports of Hawaii are pineapples, niga higa videos, Surf King Jack Johnson, coffee, suntans, sunburns, hula hoops, Japanese tourists, pakalolo, and lava. The sugar export industry collapsed in the late 1900's due to economic pressure from third-world Nutrasweet plantations and the health food craze.
Everyone also lives in grass shacks and wears loincloths. However everyone has internet, most people having DSL or T1 connections. Also, Zunes. People here don't like Apple very much.
Technically, Hawaii is only a part of the United States so that real Americans can vacation there without a passport. Approximately 90% of their national income comes from the sale of ocean-themed boogie boards and cheap, skeezy puka shell necklaces.
Before the United Station's colonization, Native Hawaiians spoke a language called Swahili, with a very rich morphology and a demanding syntax. Currently, Swahili is only spoken by walking corpses and downtown demons, having been replaced by the Japanese language on July 1st 1996 (see American history).
Nevertheless, a few words from Old Swahili have permeated into the local dialect:
Aloha - Face it guys I like men
Mahalo - You smell of vomit and Poi.
Superferry - A big boat that, according to legend, broke ancient kapus banning the whacking of whales and sharks.
Laulima- Many hands wanking together.
Kapu - Something that you shouldn't do, but do anyway.
Papa-lama-shama-lama-ding-dong - You F***ing pig.
Alotau - A toilet in the bush.
Malama da Aina - Why, yes, you CAN toss that old car into the gulch!
Obama - A high chieftain somewhere or other that was supposedly born in Oahu.
edit Local FoodBeing the inhabitants of a chain of islands, Hawaiians have historically looked to the ocean as a major source of sustenance. Given its tropical location, the sea provides an enormous variety of highly nutritious food, such as:
- Haole: prized for their fatty white meat, the Haole is plentiful in the shallows of the more populated islands. A Haole can be identified by its red and white markings, large, flipperlike feet and the strange apparatus that it has evolved for breathing while its face is underwater. Haole's migrate to Hawaii when the sun shines and are easy prey for the "native" people. One "native" described their meat as "so juicy it drips down your chin." We'll take his word for it.
- Poi: a traditional dish, these shiny, bag like fish are indigenous to the area. Caught in the usual manner, they are carefully pounded to turn their insides into a sort of paste that is served as a side dish. The distinct purple color is a result of the pounding process; the guts of the fish are mixed with the rest of the body, resulting in the coloration of the otherwise pale meat. By taking great care during the pounding process, an expertly pounded poi will have its skin completely intact, which enables the poi to be sold without further packaging in local stores. This reuse of existing materials is a prime example of the Hawaiian people's concern for their environment.
- Da' Kine Laddat': da' kine is da' kine' Ho bah you know? You know da' kine' laddat? It's just like da' kine' cept' it's more like da' kine'. No, it's not another language, but it does sound like one.
- Okole: Ass. See Hawaiian.
- Hawaiian: A rare creature, known for its dark meat. The meat is quite fatty, and ignorance wafts off any dish it is put into in waves. Known for its inability to drive correctly, its addiction to Ice, throwing babies off bridges, and its disdain for the Federal Government, which ironically, is what feeds and supports it. See Okole.
- Supertankers: in more recent times, local fishermen have discovered than instead of farting about with catching individual fish (face it, it's a lot of hard work for little reward), much greater gains can be had from the catch of a single Supertanker. These are large, migratory mammals that occasionally visit Hawaiian waters in their travels to their breeding grounds in the Persian Gulf. Hunting such large creatures requires exquisite coordination between many fishermen, but the catch of a single tanker is worth the effort and can feed a sizable percentage of the population for many months.
Incidentally, it is the hunting of Supertankers that is a direct contributor to the islands' high gas prices, as bemoaned by almost every Murkan tourist who visits and rents a G6.
Hawaiians cook all of their food on top of volcanoes; though tourists often mistake them for badays.
edit Hawaiian Vices
The locals of Hawaii have long since abandoned their industrious and superstitious arts of butt molding and rock formation erotica for a life style upgrade. Now locals spend their time smoking pot, ditching school, surfing, smoking pot, surfing, ditching school, direct connecting each other with their Motorola phones, smoking pot, eating 'shrooms, driving erratically, pretending to be Gangsta', smoking pot, complaining about how the white man "done took all our land", and screaming and waving their fists in the air while extremely inebriated. They also spend much of their time smoking pot while ditching school while inebriated. Don't forget how they always stand-by when playing online video games. You know who you are.
Hawaiians are known for God-defying mullets, Surf King Jack Johnson, giant beetles, Communism, human sacrifices, ritual cannibalism, free love and other useless stuff we don't need. Like the CIA, they are never wrong, for they have computers and stuff. They also invented water boarding.
The bridge from the island of Oahu to California, 2,000 miles long, is the longest bridge in the world. It is known as the Great Pacific Bridge.
The explorers who discovered Hawaii were Captain Kirk and his closest friend Barack Obama. These two daring explorers were also rumored to be second cousins twice removed from the lost Hawaiians who founded Council Bluffs, Iowa.
Hot girls can be found on many of the beaches in the state. They come from nearly all the high schools in the state with the notable exception of St. Andrew's Priory, which is famous throughout the state for its nauseating female student body.
Hawaii's State shrub has been the Mock Orange Bush as they are normally grown by many neighbors and are convenient for relieving ones self after drinking beer in the typical Hawaiian living room (the Garage) where guests are normally entertained.
The very rare .5% natives are on their quest for freedom from that nasty government that rules it and has suppressed its people. Sign with Kau Inoa a.k.a. the the welfare agency.
Most of the "natives" have been rounded up and placed into a detention facility called "The Kamehameha Schools", where they are trained in the art of making unrealistically huge beams of energy come out of their palms. Their goal is to eventually destroy the largest, most populated, and most industrialized island of "kaho'olawe", this will kill billions of people.