From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- You may be looking for Terrell Owens and not even know it!
Terrell Owens (born Reginald Terrence Anthony Cartwright Kweisi Chesterfield-Merriweather Kensington Hatherway Kemmel Rogers-Smith Etheridge Mfume von Owenstein, October 28, 1972) is a pro-football, anti-not-getting-paid athlete. Owens is widely credited by many football fans and non-football fans alike to be the best guy on the team who is supposed to catch forward passes thrown by the quarterback or halfback, or, more succinctly, the wide receiver, or wide-out for the slang-impaired, or the WR for the contraction-illeterate, or goalie for those thinking of perhaps soccer, hockey, or horseshoes.
Owens is typically called "T.O." by his fans, a nickname that stands for Turner Overdrive, or Bachman Turner Overdrive, Owens' favorite Canadian band.
edit Opinions of Owens
As a successful athlete and public figure, Owens attracts the usual amount of attention from fans and critics, the overwhelming majority of which is positive.
edit Fans and the Media
Actual football fans recognize him as the best thing to ever happen to the NFL since the invention of the football, especially those fans of the Philadelphia Eagles. Deli owner and die-hard Eagles fan Jeffrey Hudson of Philadelphia adores Owens so much he named a sandwich after him. "Number 81" is made of liverwurst, italian salami, creamed corn, bean sprouts, beluga caviar, peanut butter, Hershey's chocolate syrup, and spicy brown mustard on a Kaiser roll, and is one of the best-selling sandwiches Hudson has. Said Hudson:
|Before Terrell came to Philly, all we ever did was make the playoffs year after year. Winning, winning, winning. It got so boring. Then, Terrell came, and not only did he take us to the Super Bowl, but he single-handedly improved the Eagles to his near-perfect level. Words can't describe how wonderful this man is. He's more than a player - he's a team within himself.|
Owens is no favorite of the media, as his tight-lipped, even terse interviews make him a poor subject for entertaining post-game or between game interviews. Owens is known for his straight-faced, stoic "no comment" given during interviews, as much as his demure, wide smile followed by a shy "I don't want to talk about that now." Many sports interviewers view being able to make Owens talk about anything in-depth as one of the greatest challenges of their profession.
edit Football Players
Among his Eagles teammates, Owens was so well-loved that several special teams players took to scattering rose petals at his feet wherever he entered the clubhouse, no matter how much Owens begged that they do not do this. Owens-fan and star quarterback Donovan McNabb gushed during an ESPN interview:
|T.O. - what can I say about T.O.? He makes even Jerry Rice in his prime look like shit. You'll never find someone more selfless, or talented... T.O. just goes out there and makes me look good. I love him. And I love Campbell's Chunky Soup, too, though not as much.|
Outside of whatever franchise he is playing for - and is holding him back from reaching his true potential - Owens is no favorite among players not currently on the same team with him. Opposing players resent and envy his explosive, demigod-like talent as well as his humble, modest nature.
Former players with real, yet puzzling, names such as Dick Butkus and He Hate Me have called Owens a "fatty-fatty-fat pants" and "smelly" in private interviews while holding their noses to reinforce their opinion that he doesn't smell very good at all.
Additionally, former players who left the NFL in disgrace (such as Maurice Clarett and Ryan Leaf) have inexplicably blamed Owens for ruining their once-promising football careers. Clarett has fingered Owens as the man who encouraged him to leave college early, to unsuccessfully sue the NFL, and to suggest he drink heavily during 2005's preseason camp with the Denver Broncos in order to impress them. Owens, who denies Clarett's allegations, called Clarett "a good kid who needs some direction" and promised to take him under his wing, provided Clarett's upcoming prison stint for armed robbery isn't too long.
edit Terrell Owens Foundation for The Terminally Disrespected
In 2006, Owens announced that he was opening a foundation for the "terminally disrespected." Although Owens did not make exactly clear what constituted "terminal disrespect," he hinted it would include young children suffering the taunts of bullies on a regular basis, hip-hop emcees with mad skills but no record deals, Poland, and any current or former members of the Chicago/St.Louis/Arizona Cardinals NFL franchise. Owens has indicated his agent and well-known philanthropist Drew Rosenhaus would be handling the business aspect of the organization, while Owens himself would fight tirelessly to help the terminally disrespected get the respect that they so richly deserve.
edit Career Accomplishments
Owens has amassed impressive statistics in his career, and many predict he will one day be inducted into the Hall of Fame. His credentials for Coopserstown so far include:
- 12 Failed Suicide Attempts
- 432 home runs
- 989 doubles
- 97 triples
- 1,730 hits
- Lifetime .323 average
- 1,567 runs batted in
- 1,234 runs scored
- Three Golden Gloves
- One MVP
- Seven all-star appearences
- -300 Grand Slams (172 from Denny's)
- Played himself in a cameo shot in the Mike Tyson film "Brokeback Boxer"
Owens once played the St. Louis Rams and the entirely by himself and won, but since this was during the pre-season, none of his stats counted.
edit See Also
|Buffalo Bills||Baltimore Ravens||Houston Texans||Denver Broncos|
|Miami Dolphins||Cincinnati Bengals||Indianapolis Colts||Kansas City Chiefs|
|New England Patriots||Cleveland Browns||Jacksonville Jaguars||Oakland Raiders|
|New York Jets||Pittsburgh Steelers||Tennessee Titans||San Diego Chargers|
|Dallas Cowboys||Chicago Bears||Atlanta Falcons||Arizona Cardinals|
|New York Giants||Detroit Lions||Carolina Panthers||St. Louis Rams|
|Philadelphia Eagles||Green Bay Packers||New Orleans Saints||San Francisco 49ers|
|Washington Redskins||Minnesota Vikings||Tampa Bay Buccaneers||Seattle Seahawks|
|Terrell Owens | John Madden | Rex Grossman | Kyle Orton | O.J. Simpson | Scott Norwood | Al Davis | Dan Snyder| Brian Urlacher|
|Canadian Football League | American Football | Anti-Football | Real football|
|Patriot Act (football) | Marching band | The Super Bowl|