Tentacle High

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A small village in Japan
A small village in Japan.
“That was that anime...where the most anyone ever said was, "Harder, deeper! Oh more more more!" right?”
~ Ellen Degeneres on Retarded Animes That Should Have Never Been Released Without Killing The Director First
“Tentacle High? Oh, I've seen a few episodes. It's a good show. Well written, good acting... ”
~ Oscar Wilde on his Tentacle High DVD collection
“Wasn't Tentacle High that school where all those kids were killed? Can I say that without getting shot in the face?”
~ An idiot who just got shot in the face on Tentacle High

Tentacle High is, or I should say was, an average Japanese High School. Average, meaning the Japanese definition, not the American version, which is somewhat different. However, before I continue to say any more about this school, one should know the unique and often controversial laws in the Great Country of Japan.

  1. Probably the most important law ever designed by man: you are forbidden to buy rice from any country other than Japan. Period.
  2. You will not kill, or cause bodily harm to other humans, unless the human in question deserved it (see "actions and consequences for those actions" clause).
  3. You shall not kill any member of government unless they have broken one of the laws stated above. Then, and only then, can you kill them.
  4. You will not produce any pornographic material in the form of anime, manga, film, literature or hentai (especially hentai) that contains any offensive or racial ideals. Faliure to follow this law will not be tolerated. Period.
  5. Rape is legal and encouraged. However, rape of foreign tourists and diplomats is strictly prohibited. It is implied that you ask someone of their nationality before you sexually rape them.
  6. Theft is frowned upon by the upper-class citizens, so it is suggested that you don't steal things (except others' virginity, of course) so as not to piss off the rich folks. Thanks for your cooperation.
  7. We have always found the number seven to be symbolic and cool, so we threw this one in here just for kicks: don't litter.
File:School Photo.jpg
Here is Askimo Hirotuma in her school uniform. This photo was taken from the show in her Junior year. Note that the photographer was so idiotic that he chose a blue background which completely overshadows the blue color of the uniform.

And so, now that you are familiar with the Japanese laws, I can continue with the story of an average High School in the Great City of Tokyo. Tentacle High was a school filled with eager minds, giving hearts, loving friends, understanding teachers and more loving friends. Now, it would be easy for me to just focus on the large amount of sex that went on every day in every class, but that would drown the true, heartwarming story of a school that would rise above all others to become one of the most well known in the world, through extraordinary academic feats, and athletic phenomena. Now, as many of you know, Tentacle High was an anime show on Cartoon Network in the United States, and a very popular one at that. The main character in the show was, in fact, based off of a real girl who attended Tentacle High. Her name was Askimo Hirotuma, a young, petite girl who was pretty, humourous, understanding, and all around, just a great person to hang around with. As in most Japanese High Schools she went to seven classes a day and learned about Japanese history, the Japanese language, Japanese art, Japanese technology, Japanese mathematics, Japanese athletics and Japanese health. The show "Tentacle High," did, in fact, mimic all of the events from her first day as a freshman (or hiroshika, in Japanese) to her graduation as a senior (or Ragusha). Now, it should be stated that many believe the enormous popularity of this show was merely because of the rabid sexual activity that took place there, however, several historians and televisionographers disagree. We will let you read Askimo's story and see what you think the reason was for the show's popularity.

Plot

Season One

It all started on October 1st, or, better known in Japan as Oganashi Day: the first day of school. Askimo walked through the doors to her new school and breathed in the new, fresh air. Now, you must understand the Anime show "Tentacle High" mimicked the events of Askimo's high school career exactly, so when she goes to class in real life, she goes to class in the show. Askimo was 9 years old at the time (extended versions of the seven laws state that for the first nine years of a child's life they attend Sukimo School, or school for li'l peeps). She quickly made friends within the first few weeks and adapted well to her new environment. Nearly every week she was in school, she was faced with new, challenging and often, awkward social situations that she ultimately overcame as the week came to an end.

Warning: The following paragraph contains Japanese material not suitable for children. Now, one must understand that rape in Japan is not like the rape in the United States, or any other part of the world. Rape, as it is defined in Webster's Japanese Dictionary, is the act of a Skeema (boys ages 0-6), Shagzu (boys ages 7-13), Waguma (boys ages 14-20) or Skatsu-Seemai (men ages 20-70) forcing the sacred ritual of "Hashnu Nui Vabak Muscu" on a female from the ages of 0-30. If a man older than the age of 70 forces this act on a woman, it is called "American Rape." If a woman older than 30 is raped, it is not considered rape, but instability, as the man who attempted it was probably insane at the time. And so, as I was saying, in order to interpret this story correctly, you must let go of your definition of rape, and understand the Japanese definition. If it helps, don't call it rape at all, instead call it something like monkey-lovin', or surprise sex. The thing most people don't realize is that rape is accepted in the female society. In fact, they look forward to it, as a sort of, handshake or a way to get to know a boy better.

Characters and Episodes

So, now, back to the story. Askimo had just entered into her new school and was beginning to fit in fine. The Principal of Tentacle High, Mr. Viscus, was a well-built man of about 40. He had been Principal for 20 years, and was looking forward to a new year. In the Anime show, Mr. Viscus was altered slightly to resemble a gigantic, squid-like monster, and was oddly always shown raping the Vice-Principal, the secretary, and the entire cheerleading squad in every scene he was in. He was unpopular on the show in Japan, but in America, the voice-over actor who played him (Will Ferrell) was nominated for best original song (the song in question, was intended to be a combination of the girls' orgasms, but many male viewers saw it as a song nonetheless). Askimo made two best friends in high school, Kaitsi, a small, shy, intelligent girl who had a crush on Askimo's brother, and Vironika, a sex-crazy Sophomore who wants to be a Stewartess. Many viewers of the recently canceled show remember the good moments in the first season of the show, and can recall them well:

  1. The episode when Askimo tried desperately to get on the girl's basketball team, but when she showed her prowess in tryouts, she landed a spot in girl's volleyball instead.
  2. The episode when Vironika managed to have sex with the entire soccer team in one week.
  3. The episode when Askimo's cousin, Zenia, came to visit from Mongolia, and had Askimo kicked off the team, had sex with her crush, angered her freinds, and forced her to fail her history test, when, in the end, it turned out Zenia was on drugs, where she went to prison and all was set right in the end.
  4. The episode when Kaitsi was finally raped by Askimo's brother, Jaduka. Ah, young love.
  5. The episode when Askimo was raped by the entire boys basketball team. *this was voted the best episode of the season.
  6. And finally, the season finale, when the school was snowed in and entire school was forced to have a 6 hour long orgy to keep warm. Most viewers were unable to watch this episode all the way through, due to the nonstop banging, humping, and drilling. Too much is too much. But thats why this episode is on this list.

Season Two

The show returned however, a few months later to see Askimo, a bit more mature than before, in her second year of high school. The first episode brought viewers back with a bang, revealing Askmo's first sexual experience when she was 7, with her 18 year old cousin. This set the tone for the rest of the season, as many flashbacks were introduced showing far more sex than before. In short, the show lost popularity because of the lack of plot, setting change, drama, etc. The ratings soared in America, though, as many males between the ages of 13-87 couldn't stop watching it.

Season Three

In Japan, however, the show was failing. The creators hoped to revive the show in the third season, with a bit more spice. They started it off with a fight between Askimo and Vironika over a new freshman boy, they argued and fought, but in the end the boy raped both of them anyway. This brought some of the old viewers back, but not near as many as was hoped. It was in this moment that the creators of the show made the one fatal mistake that killed the production of the show in Japan, but gave it a new life in America. They thought the best thing to do was to shock people so much, that they would became hooked to the show. And so they released episode #561: An End to Innocence. The show was about how Kaitsi, the timid, little friend of Askimo, who was dreaming of marrying Jaduka one day, was kidnapped. The few remaining viewers watched in horror as the young, innocent face of that little girl was raped to death by 49 men. The horrific death of one of the shows most beloved characters murdered it for good. The show was, as usual, a phenomenal hit in America, as it seemed the so called, perverts, couldn't get enough of it. The forth season ran in the United States and ended Askimo's high school career where she was wed to David, American foreign exchange student, and captain of the basketball team. The wedding itself was pretty much just a poorly written orgy between everyone, but the American viewers loved it just the same.

See also

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Tentacle High is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.
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