Tenshi Hinanawi

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search


TenshiSwordofHisou2

Tenshi, with her sword and those ass testicles on her hat.

Tenshi Hinanawi is an enigmatic being who descended from Heaven to save us from our sins beat the living shit out of a little flat-chested demonic watermelon who wouldn't pay her rent. She is a powerful celestial who, like that statue from Don Giovanni, only eats celestial food, and that the heavenly peaches she eats grant her invulnerability as any other food is considered to be that of a filthy peasant's.

edit Her whole story

Born in Oklahoma, USA from a family of Japanese hermit crabs, Tenshi has been following the family tradition of trying to become immortal by means of bathing in bat's blood and eating young children meditation and training by murdering virgins[1] in order to be qualified as a celestial. Lacking the knowledge of what a celestial's purpose is,[2] Tenshi's mind and spirit is considered to be the equivalent of the common earthly delinquent idiot. But for some reasons, she still became a celestial anyway, and because she didn't know how boring Heaven actually is, Tenshi decides that it's time to go to Earth and get her fun by becoming the Moriarty who is driven to destroy due to boredom.

TenshiInPain

The result of overconfidence (and watching too many kung fu movies).

She starts with Japan, a spot for all the weird shit that happens there, in a haunted spot called "Gensokyo" (where panty shots were so common the locals have to wear bloomers for modesty according to local law). She destroys the local miko's shrine by throwing a giant stalagmite onto it. She threatened everyone in Gensokyo to destroy their nation if they don't pay her 2 million dollars. Unwittingly, Tenshi doesn't realize every person in Gensokyo is more powerful than a battalion of Merkavas armed with MIRV rockets, and all of them teamed up against her, leading to her failure.

edit Conquest to Ancient Egypt

After failing miserably in her plans to defeat a maiden with a crude gymnastics rod for a sword and creating havoc, Tenshi sets up to go to the ancient times, most notably Egypt, because she knows that the Roman Empire is deemed too powerful for her. She smuggles a time machine from someone, drives it and finds herself in front of a Herbew in the middle of back whipping daily.

While walking around, Tenshi soon found a religious nut who talked to some burning bush and thought that she could help the man free "his" people. By doing this, she causes ice and fire to rain, blanket the sky in darkness, and turn the water into blood. To be able to do this requires one to be a celestial, but somehow, Tenshi only managed to turn the local river to turn into blood because she released a period she kept holding for hundreds of years. The plague isn't her fault - someone probably followed her along the way.

edit Boredom in Switzerland

Leaving the Hebrews to be slaughtered at the shore of the Red Sea[citation needed], Tenshi arrives in Baselworld 2014. She's so bored of seeing mechanical wristwatches with such boring intricate mechanisms that she decided to blow it all up just like what Mad Stan would do in Batman Beyond. She failed, as everyone in Basel aren't Shintoist or Buddhist and are instead Amish virgins. Now she seeks a more religious country and had to choose between Indonesia and the Philippines. Instead, she chose Japan, as she considers both countries to be filthy and underdeveloped incompatible to her religion.

edit Return to Japan

SUIKAWATERMELON

They say that watermelons are full of vitamins. This one is full of alcohol.

Leaving the Swiss to be slaughtered in Baselworld[3], Tenshi returned to Gensokyo to attempt to destroy everything again. It failed though, as she was defeated by the village drunkard (Suika, Japanese word for watermelon) in the local tavern during a bar fight. The local police arrived and sent her to Muenzuka to be trialed. She faced the almighty jar of yam to be judged, but after finding out that Tenshi's already a Heavenly being for the rest of her life, she sets her free without bail.

TenshiComeAtMe

Turning this girl on will require a man with a whale's dick (or a dildo the size of a whale).

While anally masturbating in Jefferson Motel the same drunk watermelon devil that Tenshi fought earlier in the tavern barged into her bedroom. For a moment, the aforesaid watermelon was grossed out by the sight of Tenshi shoving a whole saguaro cactus arm into her anus with jalapeno soup as her personal lubricant. After remembering why she came here[4] she demanded the celestial a ransom from her husband tract of land from Heaven. Since Tenshi doesn't even give a shit about her hometown, she just gives the land to the drunk anyway. This was a terrible choice, as the watermelon started harassing other celestials by shoving her horns up theirs[5] continually beating them up as she likes.

edit Return to Heaven

Three weeks later, while sleeping with a 3 foot iron pipe wrench still stuck inside her ass, God has called upon her in a dream, asking her to return. After stupidly telling the almighty Father to "fuck off", a bolt of lightning struck the iron wrench, giving her the most pleasant anal insertion she has ever felt in years inflicting pain so unbearable that she forced herself to just do what the old man told him to do.

After arriving in Heaven with a sore ass, she was instantly punched in the face by Suika as a form of a friendly greeting[6]. Tenshi demands the drunkard to stop, and she did... And then continued beating the shit out of every celestial 30 minutes later.

She called God for help, but the lazy bastard told her "not right now, I gotta check into some shit". After begging to the Abrahamic God like a randy dog on her master's leg, God then said "Okay, chill. There's a sword stuck on a pile of boulders, go pull it out yourself" and went back to molding babies out of clay, which is how babies are made[citation needed].

edit Sword of Hisou

Just read King Arthur and the Holy Grail, but replace Arthur with shits counting to ten. Except stop at the part where he finishes drawing the sword. In contrast to the image on the left, Tenshi actually checked how far the sword will go up her ass. She was amazed at how it can shape-shift into something the size of a palm tree inside her ass at her own will, giving her the prolapse of a lifetime.

God saw this act and facepalmed. He then reminded the aroused celestial about the watermelon devil. Tenshi now has a weapon that could potentially destroy her enemy. She tested the sword on everything - from butter, to a whole Leopard 2 tank, to Captain America's shield, to mithril - all which were cut down in half in one slice. She then tested this on the watermelon demon, but the watermelon is so tough that not even Superman could punch a hole through her.

God decided to play with the two by shifting Tenshi's breast size with Suika's. Now the evil watermelon has the flattest chest in history, even flatter than the Cartesian plane. This revealed to be the drunkard's only weakness, as she started losing her strength, but not her toughness, as the sword still won't at least give Suika a hangnail.

edit A New Life and A Giant Rock in Kolttajärvi

Leaving the Celestials to be slaughtered in Heaven[7], Tenshi decided to go to therapy. She met Dr. Ben Croshaw, who taught her a lot of things involving the philosophy and natural way of life and why you should totally agree with what you feel instead of how others feel. Tenshi asked for a refund and left, since that's the exact fucking thing that she is currently feeling at the time.

Tenshi then gave up looking for a far better therapist and instead focused on going to a Shinto shrine. But there are no Shinto shrines in Europe - only Catholic churches. Tenshi almost thought of the idea of blowing all the churches up, but then she found a far better plan. After borrowing some money from the Nordic Investment Bank, she spent all the money on building a shrine dedicated to her. She found a small lake, which was the perfect spot. But Tenshi realized that the money she stole was spent on going to this lake in the first place. Pissed off, she simply threw a rock into the center of the lake, which became Three-Country Cairn, although modern historians believe otherwise. They're obviously working for the government.

This ended the long-running Sweden-Norway-Finland border conflict[citation needed] and rendered Tenshi the hero of Scandinavia, as she prevented a future war from happening.[look it up yourself]

edit Assassination and Death

After being remembered as the savior of the world, people started worshiping the celestial as their new messiah. Opus Dei disagrees with this, and they claim that Tenshi is the Antichrist. Tenshi said otherwise, stating "Who is this 'Christ' you speak of? Is he a friend of Mel Gibson?" while not realizing that Mel Gibson directed Passive Aggression of the Christ. Pope Francis thought that Tenshi was mocking Jesus, and that she must be put to a stop.

On February 30, Tenshi was shot and killed by a mysterious sniper. The bullet passed through the back of her neck and in between her eyes, and somehow ending up stuck inside her rectum[8]. The killer was never found, but they trace the assassin's origins to the Guild of Drunks in Gensokyo, King Ramses II in Egypt, and Pope Francis of the Catholic Church. The latter was obvious, and so they arrested Pope Francis for murder, but somehow he was sent free for good behavior.

edit Hold on, she's not dead

During her funeral, Tenshi remembered that she's a celestial "for Christ's sake", and so she jumped out of the coffin, screamed "APRIL FOOLS!" and then started dancing the whip swing on top of the coffin. Some of the attendees were nauseated and started puking out their lunch and their breakfast at the sight of Tenshi coughing out embalming fluid in the middle of the dance, some said it's their fetish, most of them were silent. Tenshi then sued the doctors for not checking her body for a pulse, and that she demanded a free enema to ease her week-long constipation.

Tenshi now resides in an apartment in another heaven where she enjoys an everlasting feast and severe beatings from her fellow viking friends.

edit Footnotes

  1. Whoever's typing that shit is gonna pay.
  2. And I'll be honest, I'm too lazy to look up about it in the first place
  3. By boredom this time.
  4. No pun intended.
  5. Seriously, shut the fuck up.
  6. Just like in Glasgow.
  7. She simply gave up. lol
  8. Magic. Not explaining shit.

edit See also

Personal tools
projects