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|Motto: Whoops, was that your dog?|
|Anthem: Ode To A Whiskey Boy|
|Government||Communist Federation of Conservatives|
|Largest city||Windows 98 (or was it Memphis?)|
|Highest Elevation||Clingmans Dome - 6'643 ft (2'026 metres)|
|Duke||Robert Haslam, 49th Duke of Tennessee (R)|
|President||Jackson Daniels, II (Whig)|
|Time Zones||Eastern Tennessee Eastern: UTC-5/-4|
|Admission to Union||1 June, 1796|
|Population||6,156,719 on Monday through Friday, 3,156,719 during holiday hours.|
|Primary Exports||Cotton, christianity, racism, novelty airbrushed shirts, Dolly Parton CDs, traumatized tourists|
|Primary Imports||Slim Jims, Orange dye for making Volunteers paraphernalia|
Tennessee (/tɛnɨˈsiː/, or 'TAN-uh-say' by local residents) is a long, rectangular state located in the Southern United States. It joined the Union in 1796 as the 16th state, but changed its service plan after the bicentennial due to the United States Government's unwillingness to make it the nation's capitol. Tennessee is in a region known as the "Bible Belt," lending to its conservative Christian influence. Tennessee is also the home of Kentucky Bourbon and Elvis "Hound-dog" Costello.
Tennessee claims to have the nicest people in the country, but that is false. Common greetings are:
- Welcome to Tennessee, the FUCK YOU state.
- Get the hell out of my state (flips middle finger)
- You're from Alabama! Ha! Fuckin' redneck...
- Florida sucks, fuck you bitch!
- Damn Yankee! Fuck you!
- Watch your fuckin car you fuckin piece of dog shit!
- Move it buddy, fuck you.
- Ooo, look! Mississippians! Country comes to town! Hey, Mississippi! Fuck you!
- LOL, fuck you, you suck! (points to Texas license plate)
- Watch it you shit-for-brains Kentuckian! FUCK... YOU!
- Fuck you asswipe!
In fact, Tennessee is the state that ranks second on the "f--k you" poll, mainly because surveyors were told, "F--k you," by Tennesseeans. It still lags behind New Jersey though.
The state of Tennessee borders eight states, most of which are even less important than Tennessee itself (especially Alabama), and is split up into three divisions based upon cleanliness - West Tennessee, Middle Tennessee, and East Tennessee. Tennessee is home to the second highest point of the Appalachian Mountains, Clingman's Dome, and has more caves than any other state, causing Tennessee to become a point of interest to the US Department of Homeland Security due to these potential hideouts for terrorists.
The climate of Tennessee is very hospitable, comfortably suiting the mountaintoppers in the east and the ghettos in the west. In January, the weather is stably below freezing and heavy wet snow falls often. This will shut down the state's "school" systems for the entire month of January, because the general population lacks shoes. (They still beat the Alabamians, who lack clothing). By March warming are rapidly warming and scattered tornadoes are common, carrying monster trucks and trailers all the way into North Carolina. After a brief spring, summer arrives in April, when temperatures slowly begin climbing into the upper 90s. The period from May 1 to September 30, known as the "Our Budweisers Are Warm" period, consists of a six month drought with the highs reaching a pleasant 110 every other day. This is also when the plastic pools are unusable due to the quick heating of water. Most Tennesseeans resort to taking mud baths in the backyard. When the six-month summer ends in October, it begins to rain again. November follows with temperatures in the low 40s and constant rainfall. After Thanksgiving the heavy rains change over to snow, and the process repeats.
Early History (12000 B.C.-2000 B.C.)
The area of Tennessee was first settled by Aliens called Psychlos. They brought humans in from other parts of the world to mine gold. A rebellion broke out led by a human named "Johnny", and quickly grew into a war(Probe War I). Led by General L.Ron Hubbard, the Psychlos' world was somehow destroyed along with Hubbard. A small window of peace erupted and humanity forgot how to use the crap they had built during the Probe War. Lord Xenu, who allied himself with the Psychlos, escaped from his volcano prison and murdered all humans in the region(The second Probe War). He was stopped by Boredom and the fact that humans always win when aliens attack. However, before being "defeated", he released some alien ghosts that attach to newborn babies, then can only be removed by Tom Cruise, John Travolta, and other crazy rich actors. The Tennessee Plateau was then settled by Red People in the late 8000's B.C. They lived in peace and harmony with the land and all of the woodland creatures. Chief Standing Otter and his descendants ruled the prosperous and wealthy nation of Tanasi for 10,001.3 years. No wars were fought, no crimes were committed except by Takesthepurse, and his friends Wheresmylawyer, and Runsfromthepolice, but they are not spoken of much by the natives. Yet, no biscuits were buttered or jammed throughout these happy millenia. But around 2000 B.C. things began to change. The Great Chief Pissing Moose was unable to quell a rebellion of the Eloi slaves located to the far north of Tanasi, around modern-day Belgium. This uprising lead to the single most-devastating event in the history of Tennessee.
The Swanson tribe of northern West Tennessee is of great note in the world history. They provided a large amount of support in the defense of Jericho against Skeletor and his mongol hordes. After the Swanson/Rockefeller army proved victorious, Andrew Jackson was quoted as saying, "These are times that try mens' souls."
Back in 1936, Tennessee and Missouri were both considered the same state because of the similar spelling in their names. It wasn't until 1950 that Former President George Bush realized that this was impossible and made them two separate continents.
Civil War (2000 B.C. - 1865 A.D.)
The Great War of Yankee Northern Downright Meanness, as it was called by the people of Tennessee, was the first war to be fought, not only against the North, but against itself as well. There were two main participants in this war. The Vile and/or Evil Yankees Northern Alliance, comprised of Kansas, and probably The rest of Northern America , though we were too busy killing each other to care. The aggressors, attacking the people of Tennessee with their combined might in people who looked just like the people of Tennessee in order, as one soldier put it, "To confuse the everlovin' HELL out of us! So we just killed everything, and hoped we got some of them Northern Ice-Devils too." The Northerners tried to overthrow the system of government that had ruled Tennessee for roughly 10,000 years since the great Probe Wars. "The victims of this cruel attack were none other than the people of Tennessee and its surrounding areas, just about anything that could be murdered in a horrible way. Even trees were suspected of being Yankee spies and hung from nooses that were strung-up on their own branches!", said Gen. Grant of Evil Yankee Fame. He went on to say, "I'm getting the everlovin' FUCK outta here! These people think I'm a damn TREE!" Historians agree, however, that he WAS NOT A TREE, but are still unsure who killed whom. They think the general area of mass killing was (essentially all of Appalachia)and some of the other Southern States but, again, they were too busy murdering our own brothers to really keep accurate intel or to care. The specific names of Great Generals:General Bryan D. Long (Declared Lord, King, Emperor after the war for his brilliant Victory at Dead Yankee Pass, thus ending the war), Gen. Braxton Bragg (This guy retreated off two Mtns, but luckily he was shot by his own troops, being mistaken for a Yankee tree), and Gen. Robert E. Lee ( Brought down his VA. troops in time to Join Gen. Long in crushing the Yankees at the Battle of Cookeville, thus ending the war again).
Ruled by an iron fist by the descendants of Gen. Bryan D. Long, with Cookeville being the real seat of power. Modern Tennessee is considered to be the genesis of today's research of Weapons of Mass Destruction as well as a central source of electrical power for the entire world. Oak Ridge, the East Tennessee city partially responsible for the atom bombs of the 1940's, is home not only to world class scientific research facilities and horribly mutated wildlife, but also to high concentrations of rednecks, research scientists, and unintentional quasi-zombie radioactive creatures that the locals take photos with and post online. Lord Bryan VII has ordered Archaeologists to excavate the old Probe Wars battlefields to, in his own words "Unearth our birthright and, once we figure out what all the little buttons do, WE WILL BRING VENGEANCE DOWN UPON ALL THOSE WHO DO NOT YET KNEEL BEFORE MEEEEEEEE, LORD BRYAN VII!"
Having the 18th largest economy in the United States, Tennessee's chief exports consist of cotton, Taylor Swift CDs, Southern Christianity, Capitalism, Taylor Swift books, racism, Taylor Swift clothes, electrical power, Taylor Swift cosmetics, Meth, grain alcohol, Taylor Swift-branded Taylor Swift, Tennessee sports promos featuring Taylor Swift, and Jack Daniels. Tennessee is also home to the Eastman Chemical Company, one of the world's largest producers of photographic material and crystal methamphetamine.
Jed and Jeb Chevrolet opened the Chevrolet Motor Company in Gnashville in 1863. Since there were no graphics artists at that time, they used the outline of the state as their corporate logo. Governor Swift sued that company for copyright infringement in 1901. As part of the settlement, the company was forced to move to Chevy Chase, MD. Chevrolet, Inc. was allowed to keep the logo and it is still in use today.
The population of Tennessee, as estimated by the U.S. Census Bureau, has two different population schedules. Monday through Friday, Tennessee has a population of approximately 6,156,719, except on holidays (during which an estimated 3 million citizens are on vacation). Since the state is closed on weekends the entire population must leave until Monday morning.
Tennessee is not considered ethnically diverse, as the primary ethnicity is African-American, a group that consists of more than 50% of the state's total population. They are, however, not considered for the ACTUAL population of the state, as only 10% of the local African-American community actually participated in the survey (this could be due to ethnic lethargy). Tennessee also has a strong Anglo-Christian presence, mostly concentrated in East Tennessee's rural Appalachia. This wholesome ethnic group is a primary contributor to Tennessee's methamphetamine and grain alcohol export.
More divisive than politics is college sports. The Tennessee Volunteers football team, in Knoxville, is the heart and soul of Tennessee. Peyton Manning, John Ward, General Neyland, and yes, Phil Fulmer are the Gods to most VOLniacs. The VOL fan base is the best in college football, or so their fans think. Just go up to Knoxville on Saturday gameday to see... but don't mention the words "Roll", "Tide", or "Gators" unless you want to be thrown into the Tennessee River, where you will surely meet the product of the Oak Ridge Nuclear Power Plant. The Big Orange was also recently training other gods, Lane and Monte Kiffin, who are very good about sportsmanship and saying swell things about the other teams, but they opted for non-god status when they pissed on the university's flag and called its mother a filthy toothless whore.
The Tennessee Titans play in Nashville and the Memphis Grizzlies basketball team has drawn a crowd from Arkansas and Mississippi. The good people of Nashville wanted a name reflective of their Tennessean tradition of sister banging so they named themselves the Titans. The Titans are of course the mythological Greek gods who were ruled by Chronos who liked to have sex with his sister and eat their children. Oh, and there's the Nashville Predators ice hockey team - in a state where hardly any one cares about hockey. College sports teams from the University of Tennessee, the University of Memphis, and Vanderbilt Tech divide the state into three, depending on fan loyalties. Minor league baseball teams are the Nashville Sounds and Memphis Redbirds of the Triple-A level Pacific Coast league, which is stupid given that Tennessee isn't anywhere near the Pacific Ocean. The West Tennessee Diamond-Jaxx, Tennessee Smokies, and Chattanooga Lookouts of the Double-A level Southern League aren't worth shit.
Lane Kiffin inherited the throne of Tennessee Football from Krispy Kreme founder Phillip Fulmer on December 1st, 2008. He vowed to "bash our opponents into the ground and make them beg for mercy" his first day on the job, while also promising unlikely wins over the Florida Gators, Alabama Crimson Tide, and national powerhouse Vanderbilt. During the off season, Kiffin continued to harass opposing SEC coaches by calling Florida's coach Urban Meyer "a weinerless douchebag who whines too much," as well as calling Kentucky's coach Rich Brooks "an ugly old man." He didn't limit himself to name calling, as he once again targeted Urban Meyer by accusing of him trying to recruit one of Tennessee's top felons, Nu'keese Richardson, to the Florida Gators. Kiffin called Meyer "A mother <expletive> <expletive> sucking son of mother <expletive> son of a <expletive>. You don't call our mother <expletive> felons while they are visiting our <expletive> prisons here in the state of Tennessee. That's just not right. Urban Cryer, you will <expletive> pay for this in the swamp come September 19th, you whiny <expletive> idiot."
After all his smack talk, Kiffin led his Vols to a 7-5 record, and kept his promise to Urban Meyer, as Tennessee volunteered to play Florida in a swamp, with live Gators, and somehow proved victorious. For this win, Kiffin's contract was extended to 2150 with an annual payout of $300 with an extra $5 for every year Tennessee beats Florida.
After, Kiffy decided to head to Pasadena to coach USC.
Tennessee's Major Cities
- Main article: Tennessee's Major Cities
A central location for Tennessee's African-American community, making it the most violent city in the United States after Hirare, Zimbabwe. Justin Timberlake was also born here, coincidentally making it the city most likely to bring the sexy back. Elvisism is the major religion here, due to being the home of who else? Tourists flock to Memphis just to take a glimpse at Graceland, Elvis' estate where he's hiding after his "death" in 1977 and is buried in the back yard like a common hamster.
The pseudo-capitol of Tennessee, Haslamgrade is considered the home of country-western as well as the birthplace of modern music-induced suicide and Taylor Swift. As a center for liberal activity, Haslamgrade has become one of the most prominent communist cities in the United States. A large glowing orb has been unearthed from the Probe Wars and is declared a state monument. Archaeologists, under order of Lord Bryan VII, are figuring out how to weaponize it. Lord Bryan VII sometimes visits the place to wave at the commoners and attend the arena games and to see Taylor Swift. Haslamgrade, or "Nash-Vegas" as the residents call it, is home to pretension and over 2 different varieties of special dogs, as well as Taylor Swift. It is often visited by characters of levels 20-30 and features 2 instances, Lower Cumberland River and Upper Cumberland River. Its final boss, Bill of the Haslam, can be solo tanked by a well-geared warrior-duchess or an affliction warlock. With any luck, you could use the same tactic for the Taylor Swift superboss. Sometimes, for no reason, it explodes. Interesting fact: There is a highway that bypasses the Music City, which was named after the two Disney bitches.
Knoxville is the best place to be East Tennessee and one of America's slowest growing cities. The golden skyscraper at World's Fair Park has been resurrected in 2007 since it was closed down back in 1982. There is really no point in it still being erected. Knoxville was known once internationally due to the 1982 World's Fair; the collapse of its popularity shortly followed. Not much else to see except the massive colosseum called Neyland Stadium, where locals worship the deities of football and ingest large amounts of alcohol.
Chattanooga was named after legendary goat farmer James P. Chattanooga and was the site of the bloodiest battle in Armenian history. Most of its residents enjoy the sweet embrace of death as well as the dulcet sounds of the Chattanooga Chew-Chew.
One of the best cities in the state. Known as one of Middle Tennessee's best kept secrets, although it once secretly belonged to Kentucky before Tennessee traded 3 hot chicks and a Rocket launcher for it. Visit Clarksville for a weekend and you'll probably leave severely injured. It's a home where Fort Campbell soldiers rest from any war. 90% of families living here are soldiers and war veterans. The city is mostly filled with black people. If you live in Clarksville and don't know anyone in the military, you're probably dead. Austin Peay University is here [Aus-tin PEE], The slogan? Let's go Peay!! [no seriously, I'm not fucking kidding] (he really isn't kidding) (he's serious)
The motor racing capital of the South and a hot spot for racers, its main attraction is the Bristol Motor Speedway. And that's about it.
Home of the Eastman chemical plant, where various flavors of meth are produced alongside photographic chemicals.
Home of ETSU. Nothing to do but study, drink, smoke weed, and screw! And the prudes praise Jebus
Birthplace of God's Gift To Earth, God's Daughter, and Jesus's Little Sister (more commonly known as Megan Fox).
- JacksJackson - Pringles Park, an amusement park owned by Pringles Potato Chips Inc. with a huge-ass factory, second largest after the Saturn auto plant in Winchester.
- Bartlett - The average suburban town, which lies outside of Mem-frica.
- Bradford - Doodle soup? what's tha... Oh! GOOD GOD Put that Away!
- Dover - Because let's be honest, you need something between Clarksville and Paris
- Dyersburg - Where all your discarded electronics, bicycles, and couches left on the curb go. They sell them to tourists.
- Dyer - Wait, what do you mean there is a town next to that bypass?
- Gibson - Poor and proud. They have a police car!!
- Humboldt - A bronze statue of the founder of the KKK in the park. I'm serious, go there and see it!
- McKenzie - Quack doctors, a gross little lake, and occasional tornadoes.
- Medina - Because nothing says "the middle of nowhere" like the middle of nowhere.
- Mem-frica - Nothing!!! Go slide into the Mississippi and drown!!!
- South Mem-frica - Avoid as much as possible.
- Paris - Okay, now where is that Eiffel Tower? Wait, what do you mean fish fry? Oh, the Humanity!
- Rutherford - Last home of some guy who died somewhere else.
- Yorkville - Site of the biblical Garden of Eden, Yorkville is the crowning jewel of West Tennessee and, thus, the World. It is here, along the edge of the Forked Deer that Emperor Sampharrisonius Maximus I had the prophetic dream of a Yorkvillian Empire that would one day make the Earth tremble.
- Antioch - Where the Mexican, Black, and Native American gangs shoot at each other on a daily basis. Also known as "Hispanioch".
- Austin Peay - Peayness: Feel it! Share it! Rub it! Love it! Mix it! Mash it! Quick now hide it! Mostly populated by black people, with some war veterans thrown in.
- Belle Meade - The Beverly Hills of Tennessee; Country singers owns big houses here.
- Brentwood - The town that's glad it's not Franklin. Despised by the rest of the state for the high number of snobby upper class citizens with ridiculous houses.
- Byrdstown - Jamestown minus Wal-Mart, McDonalds, a stop-light, or any places of interest besides some guy's birthplace. Come on down to Dale Hollow Lake and have yourself a sip of its magical pristine water.... that gets all the women bare-foot and pregnant by the age of 16 in this town. It goes well with a steaming pile of tea-party conservatism and bigotry served to you by the good ol' city of Byrdstown. Ya'll come back now, ya hear?!
- Cookeville -The de facto capital of Tennessee and home to Lord Bryan VII's Huge Imperial Mansion. It is also home to the "Second final victr'y over the Vile, evil Yankees under Generals Long and Lee" Battlefield. It is a small city that people from smaller cities flock to because it's not as small as their cities (and to catch a glimpse of their glorious leader). The town is dominated by a Wal-Mart, Sam's Club, and another Wal-Mart just feet beyond the city limits. Small business owners were brutally killed while Wal-Mart's stormtroopers burned their stores to ashes, then sent their kids to Sam's Camps(located in the Re-Education dept. in Wal-Mart stores) to be trained as future worker drones who will work until death. Cookeville is also home to TTU campus and is listed seventh on the top ten places to retire, making Cookeville the only city that is a college town/retirement community and leading to all around unhappiness, with high weed, beer, and RX pill sales for both sides. Clubs are opened, then closed, because churches and old people dislike them. So, most college students make the annual weekend migration to Nashville in order to go clubbing. Mexicans often reproduce here and move to nearby Monterey. Cookeville is also known for the Giant Probe War 2 era Statue to Ell Ron Hubbard exhumed by Archaeologists.
- Centerville- Part of Hickman County known to be where 3/4 of all rednecks of Tennessee live.
- Carthage - The birthplace of Weather Jesus. Has the second smallest Wal-Mart in the world, losing out to the Jamestown "UnSuper" Wal-Mart, and it still closes at 9pm.
- Columbia - Named after the capital of the cocks, I mean South Carolina! Just like 'The 803', the blacks got this town too. Ya can't touch their cocks either!
- Dixon - The home of Jonathan Ray England Bozarth, I mean bogart. A weird sprawly kind of town in the middle of nowhere, but at least there is a Pilot near the I-40 exit.
- Franklin - One of Tennessee's celebrity mecca. Churches are all over the town. Miley Cyrus is often spotted here on street corners alongside her pimps, The Jonas Brothers.
- Gallatin - Home of the local high school, the "Green Wave," named for the baby shit-tainted Cumberland River that runs through it. Also the birthplace of the American Idol contestant Kimberley Locke.
- Hendersonville - The one town in Tennessee the blacks have yet to discover. Taylor Swift can be spotted here once a month with a different boyfriend every time.(Caution: Her boyfriends have been known to suck blood!)
- J-County - Also known as Jackson County and named after Jack Daniel's whiskey. Encompasses the "towns" of Gainesboro, Granville, Nameless, North Springs, and Whitleyville. This is the shallow end of the gene pool; chastity belts are advised.
- Joelton - Most people in Tennessee do not know this place exists. Built in the 1700's by a bunch of white-trash rednecks named Knight.
- Lebanon - Often mistaken as a small city, Lebanon is actually just an outlet mall in Nashville. Pronounced "Leb-nun."
- Lewisburg - The only place in the world where people have a little too much fun going to a festival for goats, but in order to balance out their creepy fetish, proclaim the festival "Goats, Music, and More"... The "music and more" part is never present, but the goat creepers always are.
- Lynchburg - The town in which Jack Daniels whiskey was first produced and the only place where a barrel of whiskey can be purchased as a souvenir.
- Manchester - A town south of Nashville that is only accessible during Bonnaroo.
- McMinnville - The town was well-known worldwide for the hottest teacher Pamela Rogers Turner, who had sex with the hottest high school guy.
- Monterrey - Mexican overload dump.
- Mount Juliet - Where people from Cookeville go to shop at Target.
- Murfreesboro - Home to [Middle Tennessee State University]. Bedroom community of Nashville...draw your own conclusions.
- Haslamgrade- It's as socialist as you can get in Tennessee.
- Sewanee - Only remaining medieval fiefdom in the United States, home to the University of the South which is Sewanee which is the University of the South which is owned by the non-proliferating dioceses of the southern Episcopal Church. Has an active gay, lesbian, and transgender population of two. Also home to one of the world's great carillons, which can be heard but not seen. Students can sometimes be found studying at local bars.
- Shelbyville - Home to a putrid chicken slaughterhouse, high amounts of Mexicans and Somalians, and the Tennessee Walking Horse Celebration (they hurt them horses). In order to keep the failing town alive from animal rights activists, Haslamgrade forces its 2 million metro citizens to journey to Shelbyville twice a year to run abandoned businesses in order to please the six tourists expected for the Horse Celebration.
- Smithville - A place where time forgot... Famous for Maggie's Landing Bar & Grille, the only place to buy a legal beer in DeKalb County. In fact, it's easier to get moonshine here than a bottle of legal whiskey or scotch.
- Smyrna - Where people from Nolansville go to look at poor people.
- Springfield - Slowly becoming a new Memphis. If you are ever visiting here, stay away from Central and South Main. This town is known to be the "most trashy" city of Robertson County. Although there are upscale areas, must people assume its the ghetto.
- Spring Hill - A massive subdivision, famous for their Super Kroger, where all the local young hooligans smoke pot and blare Toby Keith in the parking lot.
- Thompson's Station - Notable for a Baptist megachurch, whose minions run the entire town, including the shitty football team that failed at the 2007 State Championship.
- Tullahoma - Where people go to watch the grass grow and proceed to commit suicide.
- Waverly - Small, unassuming town. Avoid at all cost, as your brain will melt upon arrival.
- Winchester - Yuppies took over this once hick town.
- Alcoa - Alcoa is short for Aluminum Company of America. Millions of used aluminum soda cans are recycled there; these are sent into the smelter. Employees working in Alcoa earn half a buck every year in the same junk they recycle. The entire city has no sense of humor and is inferior both academically and physically to their neighbors in Maryville.
- Allardt - We have some big ole pumpkins.
- Appalachia - A brutal Tennessean labor camp located near Mount LaConte. Liberals and minorities are regularly sent there, especially during the winter months. They are forced to make orange athletic gear for the University of Tennessee. Lane Kiffin was also reportedly sent to Appalachia in May of 2010, however, this case still remains a mystery.
- Athens - It is Tennessee's dairyland, home of its infamous dairy processing plant Mayfield.
- Clarkrange - Also known as 'Crankrange'
- Cleveland - Actually a city in Ohio.
- Clinton - Named for the most famous Tennesseean (er...Arkansan).
- Crab Orchard - Tennessee's largest exporter of Maryland Blue Crabs. The people of Crab Orchard take great pride in their crabs and everyone has them. Coming to Crab Orchard? Well, you're getting crabs too! The locals will make sure of it.
- Crossville - Shit metal hardcore emo bitch capital of the south. More shit metal comes out of this city than every other city in Tennessee combined. The local train depot is a popular tourist destination. Also home to a lot of old people who love metal.
- Dandridge - Crumpled bud light cans, rotting roadkill, people who own $50,000 boats and live in shanties on the lakeside. It gets better when you get downtown to the heart of the city though. It consists of a variety of out of business boutiques, a pharmacy with a ballkickin' soda fountain, and a one lane bridge that is commonly referred to as the "Blue Bridge" (even though it is green) that is divided into two lanes, making passing a car on the bridge a 3 mph nightmare. It should be noted that every single resident of Dandridge has the paint scraped on both sides of their cars.
- Dayton - Actually another city in Ohio.
- Etowah - Known for its bitter rivalry with neighboring city Ooltewah.
- Farragut - This town is an eclectic mix of rich kids and rednecks. Mentioning Bearden High School will get you run over by a 16 year old girl's Range Rover.
- Fountain City - Shitty skateboarding town outside of Knoxville where teens smoke dope.
- Gatlinburg - Tennessee's winter getaway.
- Greenback - The origin of the redneck accident came from chewing what they call "'baccer"
- Harriman - A depressed town, nothing here but the abandoned movie theater.
- Jamestown - Where drug addicts and Northerners go to die. And home to the smallest Wal-Mart in the world.
- Jefferson City - A decent place to live, in the city only though. Don't leave the city.
- Jellico - The closest place the communists from Corbin, KY, can get their beer.
- Kingston - Water is contaminated here after tons of coal ash spilled from the Kingston steam plant.
- Knoxville- If you're not a Tennessee fan, then you will be shot within five miles of the city.
- Kodak - Named after the film company, it's the home of the minor-league baseball team Tennessee Smokies. Just north of Sevierville along I-40.
- La Follette - Un village français de charme sur la côte nord du Tennessee. Si vous êtes américain, il peut être nécessaire d'avoir un traducteur pour votre voyage vers ce village pittoresque où l'ensemble de la population parle français.
- Lake City - Contrary to popular belief, Lake City contains 1 lakes.
- Lenoir City - Mexicans are taking over the city and its businesses, run!
- Loudon - if you want your teen daughter pregnant, send her to Loudon High School
- Madisonville - Named after a little girl... or something.
- Maryville - Pronounced "MUR-ville" by people who vote for W/McCain/Palin. Bitter enemies of the Alcoa infidel.
- Morristown - Another one of Tennessee's wetback Hispanic meccas.
- Mooresburg - One of the largest meth producers in Tennessee, second only to the Eastman company.
- Mountain City - A town at the eastern end of Tennessee, about 500 miles away from Memphis.
- Newport - The gayest place in Tennessee located in Cocke county. Cockfighting was once legal here. A shithole. Like Wal-Mart & Bojangles? Newport is the place for you! Like anything other than Wal-Mart and Bojangles? Newport is not the place for you.
- Niota - From the Cherokee Indian term for "Stupid."
- Oak Ridge - The most recognizable place in East Tennessee. A race of atomic mutants is said to live underneath the Y-12 National Laboratory.
- Ocoee - The 1996 Olympics borrowed this town for the whole summer season. It is known as the rowing/kayak capital of Tennessee. In 1996, Olympians from Atlanta rushed here to compete for a gold medal in rowing.
- Ooltewah - Voted "Most Unoriginal Name" by the nearby town of Etowah.
- Pigeon Forge - The Las Vegas of Tennessee without a casino, its main attraction is the Dollywood amusement park. Also the birthplace of Dolly Parton, who funnels the taxpayers' money to enhance the size of her breasts.
- Powell - You'll know you've been here when you smell like Bojangle's and your IQ is 5 points lower.
- Rockwood - Wal-Mart is seen above while you drive eastbound on I-40.
- Rogersville- A Black Hole full of Preppy Christians.
- Rutledge- maters maters maters maters maters skylar mcbee maters maters.
- Sevierville - Good city for tourists who don't know English. A very small vocabulary will get you all Sevierville really has to offer. Only essential vocabulary: "All you can eat," "Dinner & Show," "NASCAR." Surprisingly contains a bookstore, and people have been reported to actually go in there.
- Strawberry Plains - Nothing but corn and cows here, don't stop unless your truck runs on corn or cows.
- Sweetwater - Home of the largest water storage in the world and nothing else (it's hidden underground). This is used for backups just in case of drought.
- Talbott - A very unincorporated place in Eastern Tennessee; there is a lot of drug usage here and uncivilized people.
- Tellico Plains - Ironically, the high school sits atop a hill. There are a few stores. That is all.
- Townsend - There's a river?
- Vonore - You're making that up.
- Washburn - A partially non-existent dream world, once called Silent Hill, where you can make all your wildest fantasies come true with the abundant amounts of meth.