Tennessee

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“Ah, Tennessee. The gay Alabama.”

~ Bill Clinton on Tennessee

“I wish I was Alabama.”

~ Tennessee

“I am not welcomed there.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Tennessee

“Wait, I was a Senator here?”

~ Al Gore on Tennessee

State of Tennessee

(Flag) (Coat of Arms)
Motto: I found me.
Anthem: Ode To A Whiskey Boy
Capital	Nashville
Largest city	Memphis
Highest Elevation	Clingmans Dome - 6'643 ft (2'026 metres)
Duke	Phillippe Bredesen, 48th Duke of Tennessee (D)
President	Jackson Daniels, II (Whig)
Time Zones	Eastern Tennessee Eastern: UTC-5/-4 Everything Else Central: UTC-6/-5
Admission to Union	1 June, 1796
Population	6,156,719 on Monday through Friday, 3,156,719 during holiday hours.

Tennessee (/tɛnɨˈsiː/, or 'tan-uh-SEE' by local residents) is a long, rectangular state located in the Southern United States. It joined the Union in 1796 as the 16th state, but changed their service plan after their bicentennial due to the United States Government's unwillingness to make it the nation's capitol. Tennessee is in a region known as the "Bible Belt," lending to its conservative Christian influence. Tennessee is also the home of Kentucky Bourbon and Elvis "Hound-dog" Costello.

Contents 1 Geography 2 History 2.1 Early History (12000 B.C.-2000 B.C.) 2.2 Civil War (2000 B.C. - 1865 A.D.) 2.3 Modern Day 3 Economy 4 Demographics 5 Politics 6 Sports 7 Tennessee's Major Cities 7.1 Memphis 7.2 Nashville 7.3 Knoxville 7.4 Chattanooga 7.5 Bristol 7.6 Kingsport 7.7 Johnson City 7.8 Clarksville 8 West Tennessee 9 Central Tennessee 10 East Tennessee

[edit] Geography

The state of Tennessee borders twelve states, most of which are even less important than Tennessee itself (especially Alabama), and is split up into three divisions based upon cleanliness - West Tennessee, Middle Tennessee, and East Tennessee. Tennessee is home to the second highest point of the Appalachian Mountains, Clingman's Dome, and has more caves than any other state, causing Tennessee to become a point of interest to the US Department of Homeland Security as potential hideouts for Osama Bin Laden.

[edit] History

[edit] Early History (12000 B.C.-2000 B.C.)

The Tennessee Plateau was first settled by Red People in the late 8000's B.C. They lived in peace and harmony with the land and all of the woodland creatures. Chief Standing Otter and his descendants ruled the prosperous and wealthy nation of Tanasi for 10'000 years. No wars were fought, no crimes were committed, and no biscuits were buttered or jammed throughout these happy millenia. But around 2000 B.C. things began to change. The Great Chief Pissing Moose was unable to quell a rebellion of the Eloi slaves located to the far north of Tanasi, around modern-day Belgium. This uprising lead to the single most-devastating event in the history of Tennessee.

[edit] Civil War (2000 B.C. - 1865 A.D.)

The Great War, as it was called by the people of Tanasi, was the first war fought on the American continent. There were two main participants in this war. The Northern Alliance, comprised of Belgium, Kansas, and probably New Hampshire, were the aggressors, attacking the people of Tanasi with their combined might in order to overthrow the system of government that had ruled Tanasi for roughly 10'000 years. The victims of this cruel attack were none other than the people of Tanasi and the surrounding area (essentially all of Appalachia). The unfortunate effect of time on our knowledge of this war is that we have no specific names of key military victories, important generals, types of weaponry employed by both sides, troop deployment, or the victor of this titanic struggle. So you will have to use your imagination.

[edit] Modern Day

Modern Tennessee is considered to be the genesis of today's research of Weapons of Mass Destruction as well as a central source of electrical power for the entire world.

[edit] Economy

Having the 18th largest economy in the United States, Tennessee's chief exports consist of cotton, Christianity, racism, electrical power, Meth, grain alcohol, and Jack Daniels. Tennessee is also home to the Eastman Chemical Company, one of the world's largest producers of photographic material and crystal methamphetamine.

Jed and Jeb Chevrolet opened the Chevrolet Motor Company in Gnashville in 1863. Since there were no graphics artists at that time, they used the outline of the state as their corporate logo. Governor Presley sued that company for copyright infringement in 1901. As part of the settlement, the company was forced to move to Chevy Chase, MD. Chevrolet, Inc. was allowed to keep the logo and it is still in use today.

[edit] Demographics

The population of Tennessee, as estimated by the U.S. Census Bureau, has two different population schedules. Monday through Friday, Tennessee has a population of approximately 6,156,719, except on holidays (during which an estimated 3 million citizens are on vacation). Since the state is closed on weekends the entire population must leave until Monday morning.

Tennessee is not considered ethnically diverse as the primary ethnicity is African-American, a group that consist of more than 50% of the state's total population. They are, however, not considered for the ACTUAL population of the state as only 10% of the local African-American community actually participated in the survey (this could be due to ethnic lethargy). Tennessee also has a strong Anglo-Christian presence, mostly concentrated in East Tennessee's rural Appalachia. This wholesome ethnic group is a primary contributer to Tennessee's methamphetamine and grain alcohol export.

[edit] Politics

Tennessee is a Duchy. This means that a Duke/Duchess rules over lands given to him/her by the King of America. The current Duke of Tennessee is Phillipe Bredesen (pronounced bre-de-SAAW), and he is a Democrat. His word is law, and he rules with an Iron Fish. However, most Tennesseans are lining up at the polls to back their Presidential hopeful Peyton Manning and vice presidential running mate Charles Barkley.

[edit] Sports

More divisive than politics is pro sports. The Tennessee Titans football team in Nashville represents the whole state, the Memphis Grizzlies basketball team has draw a crowd from Arkansas and Mississippi, and the Nashville Predators ice hockey team, in a state where hardly any one cares about hockey. College sports teams from the University of Tennessee, Memphis State, Vanderbilt Tech. and Alcoa State divides the state into three depending on fan loyalities. Minor league baseball teams are the Nashville Sounds and Memphis Redbirds of the Triple-A level Pacific Coast league, which is stupid that Tennessee isn't anywhere near the Pacific ocean; and the West Tennessee Diamond-Jaxx in Jackson, Tenn. and Chattanooga Lookouts of the Double-A level Southern League aren't worth shit.

[edit] Tennessee's Major Cities

Main article: Tennessee's Major Cities

[edit] Memphis

A central location for Tennessee's African-American community making it the most violent city in the United States after Hirare, Zimbabwe. Justin Timberlake was also born here, coincidentally making it the city most likely to bring the sexy back. Elvisism is the major religion here, due to being the home of who's else? Tourists flock to Memphis just to take a glimpse at Graceland, the Elvis' estate where he's hiding after his "death" in 1977 and buried in the back yard like a common hamster.

[edit] Nashville

The capitol of Tennessee, Nashville is considered the home of country-western as well as the birthplace of modern music-induced suicide. Nashville, or "Nash-Vegas" as the residents call it, is home to pretension and over 2 different variety of special dogs. It is often visited by characters of levels 20-30 and features 2 instances, Lower Cumberland River and Upper Cumberland River. Its final boss, Phillipi Bredeshen, can be solo tanked by a well geared warrior-duchess. Sometimes, for no reason, it explodes. Interesting there is a highway which bypasses the Music City, was named after the two Disney bitches.

[edit] Knoxville

Knoxville is the capital of East Tennessee and one of America's fastest growing cities. The golden skyscraper at World's Fair Park has been resurrected in 2007 since it was close down back in 1982. Knoxville was known once internationally since the 1982 world's fair and the collapse of the sunsphere back in 1996, when Bart Simpson and his friends had an unexpected visit, turns out the old thing was filled with wigs, imagine that. But in around 1998 the sunsphere was again rebuilt in a same shape. For the most part, a massive shithole. Avoid passing through, especially on holidays.

[edit] Chattanooga

Chattanooga was named after legendary goat farmer James P. Chattanooga and was the site of the bloodiest battle in Armenian history. Most of its residents enjoy the sweet embrace of death as well as the dulcit sounds of the Chattanooga Chew-Chew.

[edit] Bristol

The motor racing capital of the South and a hot spot for racers, its main attraction is the Bristol Motor Speedway. And that's about it.

[edit] Kingsport

Home of the Eastman chemical plant where various flavors of meth are produced alongside photographic chemicals.

[edit] Johnson City

Home of ETSU. Nothing to do but study, drink, smoke weed and screw! And the prudes praise Jebus

[edit] Clarksville

It's a home where Fort Campbell soldiers rest from any war. 90% of families living here are soldiers and war veterans.

[edit] West Tennessee

• Jackson - The only town between Nashville and Memphis and commonly used as a meeting point by drug trafficers from these cities.
• West Jackson - Pringles Park, an amusement park owned by Pringles Potato Chips Inc. with a huge-ass factory, second largest after the Saturn auto plant in Winchester.
• McKenzie - Quack doctors, a gross little lake, and an occasional tornado.
• Humboldt - Cheesy policemen, a corrupt dog catcher, and some really wealthy loners from Nashville.
• Dyer - Where all your discarded electronics, bicycles, and couches left on the curb go. They sell them to tourists.

[edit] Central Tennessee

• Belle Meade - The Beverly Hills of Tennessee, Country singers owns big houses here.
• Brentwood - The town that's glad it's not Franklin
• Cookeville - Mexicans often reproduce here and move to nearby Monterey. Cookeville is also known for it's diverse metalcore scene.
• Carthage - The birthplace of Weather Jesus.
• Franklin - One of Tennessee's celebrity mecca. Churches are all over the town. Miley Cyrus is often spotted here on street corners alongside her pimps, The Jonas Brothers.
• Gallatin - Home of the local high school, the "Green Wave," named for the baby shit-tainted Cumberland River that runs through it. Also the birthplace of the American Idol contestant Kimberley Locke.
• Hendersonville - The one town in Tennessee the blacks have yet to discover.
• Joelton - Most people in Tennessee do not know this place exsts.
• Lebanon - Often mistaken as a small city, Lebanon is actually just an outlet mall in Nashville.
• Lynchburg - The town in which Jack Daniels whiskey was first produced and the only place where a barrel of whiskey can be purchased as a souvinir.
• Manchester - A town south of Nashville is only accessible during Bonnaroo.
• McMinnville - The town was well-known worldwide for the hottest teacher Pamela Rogers Turner who had sex with the hottest high school guy.
• Monterrey - Mexican overload dump.
• Mount Juliet - Where people from Cookeville go to shop at Target.
• Murfreesboro - Home to Middle Tennessee State University, widely acknowledged as the worst source of higher education in the world. Bedroom community of Nashville...draw your own conclusions.
• Sewanee -Only remaining medieval fiefdom in the United States, home to the University of the South which is Sewanee which is the University of the South which is owned by the non-proliferating dioceses of the southern Episcopal Church. Has an active gay, lesbian and transgender population of two. Also home to one of the world's great carillons which can be heard but not seen. Students can sometimes be found studying at local bars.
• Shelbyville - Home to a putrid chicken slaughterhouse. Home to high amounts of Mexicans and Somalians.
• Smyrna - Where people from Nolansville go to look at poor people.
• Tullahoma - Where people go to watch the grass grow and proceed to commit suicide.
• Waverly - Small, unassuming town. Avoid at all cost, as your brain will melt upon arrival.
• Winchester - Yuppies took over this once hick town.

[edit] East Tennessee

• Alcoa - Alcoa is short for Aluminum Company of America. Millions of used aluminum soda cans are recycled there, these are sent into the smelter. Employees working in Alcoa earn half a million bucks every year. Aluminum is used as gold in Alcoa. Next door is the infamous McGhee Tyson Airport, a low-fare airport which serves the Knoxville area.
• Athens - It is Tennessee's dairyland, home of its infamous dairy processing plant Mayfield.
• Cleveland - Actually a city in Ohio.
• Clinton - Named for the most famous Tennesseean (er...Arkansan).
• Crab Orchard - Tennessee's largest exporter of Maryland Blue Crabs.
• Crossville - Shit metal hardcore emo bitch capital of the south. More shit metal comes out of this city than every other city in Tennessee combined. The local train depot is a popular tourist destination.
• Dayton - Actually a city in Ohio.
• Etowah - Known for its bitter rivalry with neighboring city Ooltewah.
• Gatlinburg - Tennessee's winter getaway.
• Greenback -
• Jefferson City - Inbreds. Avoid if you can.
• Jellico - The closest place the communists from Corbin, KY can get their beer.
• Kingston - Water is contaminated here after tons of coal ash spilled from the Kingston steam plant.
• Kodak - Named after the film company, it's the home of the minor-league baseball team Tennessee Smokies. Just north of Sevierville along I-40.
• La Follette - Un charmant hameau français sur la côte nord du Tennessee.
• Lake City - Contrary to popular belief, Lake City contains 1 lakes.
• Loudon - Home of the delicious homemade ice cream in the South.
• Maryville - Pronounced "MUR-ville" by people who vote for W/McCain/Palin.
• Morristown - One of Tennessee's wetback Hispanic mecca.
• Mooresburg - One of the largest meth producers in Tennessee, second only to the Eastman company.
• Mountain City - A town at the eastern end of Tennessee!, about 500 miles away from Memphis.
• Newport - The gayest place in Tennessee located in Cocke county. Cockfighting was once legal here. A shithole.
• Niota - From the Cherokee Indian term for "Stupid".
• Oak Ridge - The world's recognizable place in East Tennessee. A race of atomic mutants is said to live underneath the y-12 National Laboratory.
• Ocoee - The 1996 Olympics borrowed this town for the whole summer season. It is known as the rowing/kayak capital of Tennessee. In 1996, Olympians from Atlanta rushed here to compete for a gold medal in rowing.
• Ooltewah - Voted "Most Unoriginal Name" by the nearby town of Etowah.
• Pigeon Forge - The Las Vegas of Tennessee without a casino, its main attraction is the Dollywood amusement park. Also the birthplace of Dolly Parton, who funnels the taxpayer's money to enhance the size of her breasts.
• Rockwood - Wal-Mart is seen above while you drive eastbound on I-40.
• Rogersville- A Black Hole full of Preppy Christians.
• Sevierville - a.k.a Severeville.
• Sweetwater - Home of the largest water storage in the world and nothing else, it's hidden underground. This is used for backups just in case of drout.
• Tellico Plains - Ironically, the high school sits atop a hill.

And a few stores. that is all..

• Townsend - theres a river?

The American Red States AKA Megatexas

Alabama - Alaska - Arizona - Arkansas - Colorado - Georgia - Idaho - Illinois - Indiana - Iowa - Kansas - Kentuckistan - Louisiana - Mississippi - Missouri - Montana - Nebraska - Nevada - New Hampshire - North Carolina - North Dakota - Ohio - Oklahoma - South Carolina - South Dakota - Tennessee - Texas - Utah - Virginia - West Virginia - Wyoming - Washington

States in the South

Alabama - Arkansas - Florida - Georgia - Kentuckistan - Louisiana - Mississippi - Missouri - North Carolina - Oklahoma - South Carolina - Tennessee - Texas - Virginia - West Virginia - and sometimes Ohio