Ten Commandments
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“In Soviet Russia, the 10 Commandments follow YOU!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Ten Commandments
“I don't follow it much...”
~ God on Ten Commandments
The Ten Commandments are a list of moral principles which are ten in number, not so much because there are ten unique and valid points, but because it is a psychologically satisfying number. And it is encumbent upon you, o sinner, to obey them all without exception. Unless you cross your fingers behind your back while you're disobeying (known as the 'Crossed Finger Get-Out Clause')
[edit] Where?
The Ten Commandments are found in the Old Testament (in the books of Moses), Mad Magazine and Hustler, although the original copyright is now expired. In the Bible they are recorded twice in the Pentateuch (Exodus 20, Deuteronomy 5, which means Exodus goes through to the next round). The versions in all these publications don't quite match up. We've tried to take a good average. The are many clues that the 10 commanments existed before the exodus and "sins" are identified, suggesting there is a law. The Sabbath was made on the seventh-day of creation, Adam and Eve weren't supposed to assume they could be gods (the forbidden "fruit" of egoism), and Cain played "god" by thinking he could work for his salvation and then got pissed at his brother for being so humble. The ten commandments are simply pricniples of sustaining life and to break them would cause death.
The other 5 commandments are found on the Rosetta Stone, which commonly and incorrectly thought to be a decree from King Ptolemy (Pronounced "Ver-SAI") the V (V is roman for "I'll eat anything star-shaped").
Recently, Moses filed a lawsuit against God claiming that God transferred the copyright to him when he gave him the Ten Commandments on Mount Sinai. However, God, who was in a defensive position for the first time in his life, argued that the Ten Commandments were only fair use. The Lawsuit was won in favor of Moses in which God proceeded to license it under a GNU Free Document License. The original copyright was renewed eight times at the Library of Congress, and is still under perpetual royal copyright by the British crown.
Many people are mistaken, but there are actually twenty-two ten commandments. God's son then came for some three decades to sum it up all in one word: love....yeah that's lovley.
[edit] Who?
They were written by the Finger of God on two tablets of stone. God himself wasn't present at the time - He was on His couch in His condo watching a future episode of Spongebob Squarepants stoned - but the Finger of God did a perfectly good job of it.
The tablets were then sent to Moses by FedEx, who charged extra because of the weight of the package, and the poor vehicular access to Mount Sinai. Don't even ask about the import duties. Ironically, the tracking number for the tablets was '666-69-666-8'. 8 is also evil.
In Judaism the ten commandments were actually a ######## of commandments, and were given to Moses as part of a sacred pact between jews and God, where the jews promised to serve God and uphold the ten commandments and God, in exchange, granting them his protection. This divine protection is evident throughout history, with bad things very seldom happening to jews. Turns out though, the jews were actually meant to be an example for all the human race, but they screwed up because their hearts are no different than anyone else.
[edit] What?
Those Ten Commandments in full:
- Thou shalt not spank thyself, as for this is a sin. But most men and women, such as, His Greatness, Harold, Shall do it anyway. And THOU SHALT ENJOY IT!
- Thou hoe have no other hoes without the appropriate hoe licence. Call 800-OTHER-hoes for our offers on other hoes. Call charges apply. 1-976-FOR-whores is an unrelated but more entertaining line. Call charges apply there too. bitch fags, Urd, and Skuld are our callers. (Please Note: An extra 47 cents per minute service charge applies to Iowa, Palestine and every country with the word 'gay' in the name) Thou shalt not make unto thee any graven image with the GNU Image Manipulation Program. Thou shalt not take the name of the LORD thy God in vain, so no crying out 'Jesus H. Christ' when you step on a rake in the garden. You wanna say something? Say 'Holy ####!' Jesus H. Christ is disrespectful. Holy #### is not. As a sidenote, the H has a meaning. Jesus's middle name is actually Harold. As quote in the Lord's Prayer "Our Father who art in Heaven, Harold be thy name..." or "Hark thy Harold angels sing"
- Remember the Black Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Hail Ozzy.
- Honour thy father and thy mother, so long as they honour you, because it cuts both ways buddy.
- Thou shalt not kill hoes- but obviously there are exceptions such as swatting bitches and hoes, running over stray tramps on the road, forgetting to feed the wife etc. etc., so just use your common sense and try to keep a sense of proportion. Also except in the bed. Oh, and if he doesn't put out. I'm insecure like that. If he worships pamela, carmen, or chuck norris you got the thumbs up...and don't forget that it's all good to kill 'em if they've picked a different version of bitches and hoes. Also okay on the second Tuesday of every fourth month, as long you aren't using the protection.
- Thou shalt not commit adultery and get caught, because it's going to hurt. Practice makes perfect - hiding in the wardrobe is an old one, don't bother with that. Plan several escape routes and ensure you have a good alibi. Also a change of clothes is handy, because she can smell the perfume on you when you get home. Think it through, buddy!
- Thou shalt not steal and get caught. Similar caveats apply.
- Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour, whatever false witness is. We just put this one in to make sure you're paying attention.
- Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's bling, unless thou really likes it.
- Thou aren't black. Unless thou is black. In which case thou is black.
- First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three.
- Thou Shalt not give head if thy name be Dick
- Thou shalt not piss in thy wife's coffee, unless thou is a dog. However, if you get caught pissing in thy wife's coffee, you shall not back out until thy job is done. Go get em' soldier.
- Thou shalt count the number 13 as the number 10, making this the 10th commandment. Also, triskedekaphobics shall ignore any fear of this number 13, as it is number 10. Also triskedekaphiliacs are fine. Go at it.
- If you've read this far, you're doing well. Cut out the coupon and send it in for a full rebate.
- Jesus Shalt have laser eyes. This is Commandment 9.9. Not 15. If you think it says 15, you are wrong.
- Thou shalt not interrupt regularly scheduled programming
- This is Commandment 10. If you have read this far, it proves you haven't a life. Now go read a book or something.
- Thou shalt not pirate movies which star Pauly Shore.
- Thou shalt not let thy chain hang low.
- Thou shall not mix Lego and Megablocks. They are not the same.
- Thou shalt not shake babies unless it's annoying, then thou can.
- Thou shalt not creat false witnesses against Britney Spears. After all thine still is thy neighbor. Leave her alone.
- Thou shalt paint thy hippie van with honour, a good amount of weed, and tie-dye colors.
- Thou dealt it if thou smelt it.
- Thou shalt stop a zombie holocaust if thou be command to by nearest divinity.
- Thou shalt not read past this commandment.
- Thou shalt go to thiseth hell for
- Thou shalt be in dip #### for reading further.
- Ohhhh, Thou in hell now.
- Thou shalt harm Grammar Nazi's if they are being asses.
- Thou shalt not sell they Pepsi and thou Coca-Cola products under one roof.
- Thou shalt not invite midgets to basketball games.
- Thou shalt not include Fargo locals in any events..... espescially beach volley ball.
- Thou shall not go to evil sites such as Uncyclopedia (You're going to hell now!)
- Thou shall not abuse your bathroom during school hours
- Thou shall require all good Catholics to read The Golden Compass to show how dumb Atheists are
- Thou shalt slay a whale in My name, then save nothing of it's flesh, nor it's hide...merely leavest the carcass to rot ... thou must do this often so that the natural order of nature be disrupted.
- Thou shall send one American Dime to George W. Bush to cure polio
- Thou shall not purchase a car from a Mormon
- Thou shall pay taxes to the Kingdom of Svalbard
- Thou shall mock liberals because it's funny.
- Thou shall not vote for Palin in 2012, thy world will be shot by Jesus's lasers anyways.
- Thou shall not support Osama's execution because he is not a terrorist, Why? Because I'm God and I'm ALWAYS right.
- Thou shall nuke California for happy cows need to be put out of misery
- Thou shall not have ######## in the oval office, bad for reelection
- Thou shall figure out how a swallow can carry a coconut
- Thou shall learn what thou means, kapesh?
- Thou shall retire at the age of 63 and live off the government and live in Wichita
- Thou shall [1]Reasons to edit this article]el
- Thou shalt come to me for help rather than thou's liberal government's lies of wanting to provide for you for free, because it is comming out of your paycheck foolish one.
- Thou shalt not have a sense of humor [only devout Catholics and catholic organizations follow this one].
- Thou shalt lather, rinse, nd repeat.
- Thou shalt intentionally leaveth this page blank.
- Thou shalt not removeth this tag unless thou art the consumer under penalty of Hell.
- Thou shalt not writeth below this line.
- Thou art really in deep shit.
[edit] Ten Commandments, the movie version
According to biblical scholar and voice of God in the movie the Ten Commandments, Cecil B. DeMille states that these are the commandments that have passed the MPAA Board for wholesomeness:
- yeah hoe yeah bitch lemme see your cuchie twitch
- You shall have no other gods before Me (or after, just me)
- You shall not make for yourself an idol (or a Billie Idol)
- You shall not make wrongful use of the name of your God (No kidding, this really riles me.)
- Remember the Sabbath and keep it Black(unless you need a gallon of milk or a sweater at Macy's)
- Honor your parents (Even if they drank, starred in Mildred Pierce, or filled your head with lies, they are still your parents and therefore don't make them my problem. You don't have to like them, just don't stir the pot, OK?)
- You shall not murder (killing is fine, Murder is premeditated and therefore wrong.i wasn't sure where to put suicide in this,but i think thats bad too so dont do it.)
- You shall not commit adultery (Screw around as much as you like, but once you are legally married stop it. Gay men can play around all they want (or can they?). And lust in your heart is fine if you are straight, just no ######## around)
- You shall not steal (If it isn't yours don't take it Mister Sticky fingers)
- You shall not bear false witness (Don't lie. Not even if your wife asks you if you like her homemade mashed potatoes - be brutally honest, I command it(See rule 7)
- You shall not covet your neighbor's wife (Your neighbor's husband is fine, just don't mess with his wife. So if she covets you and she married, you lose. If she Covets you AND is a divorcee, Hubba Hubba! Bugger!! You can't be divorcing either. How completely wankered is your predicament?)
- I am the lord, your god! an egomaniac, if you will. Unless you do nothing but worship me, how can I be an egomaniac?
- Break one of
my teeththe ten commandments and you break them all, just like a heartbreaker, except that it's only sinful freaks have 10 hearts. Should have mentioned this one earlier. It's not set in stone but it still counts. - thou shalt not "kill bill" or i will become "fast and furious," if you catch my "tokyo drift." unless you do it "the day after tommorrow"
- Thou shalt not wear socks and sandals, if thou does, thy dick shall be chopped and displayed on a pike for all to see.
- Thou shalt not sleep with fat chicks.
[edit] Ten Commandments, the Remix
God recently released a remix of the Ten Commandment on iTunes:
- Thou shalt not steal if there is a direct victim.
- Thou shalt not worship pop idols or follow lost prophets.
- Thou shalt not take the names of Johnny Cash, Joe Strummer, Johnny Hartman, Desmond Dekker, Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix Frank Sinatra or Syd Barret in vain.
- Thou shalt think that any male over the age of 30 that plays with a child is a pedophile. Some people are just nice.
- Thou shalt not read NME.
- Thall shalt not stop liking a band just because they’ve become popular.
- Thou shalt not question Stephen Fry.
- Thou shalt not judge a book by it’s cover.
- Thou shalt not judge Lethal Weapon by Danny Glover.
- Thou shalt not buy Coca-Cola products.
- Thou shalt not buy Nestle products.
- Thou shalt not go into the woods with your boyfriend’s best friend, take drugs and cheat on him.
- Thou shalt not fall in love so easily.
- Thou shalt not use poetry, art or music to get into girls’ pants. Use it to get into their heads.
- Thou shalt not watch Hollyoakes.
- Thou shalt not attend an open mic and leave as soon as you're done just because you’ve finished your ###### little poem or song you self-righteous #####.
- Thou shalt not return to the same club or bar week in, week out just ’cause you once saw a girl there that you fancied but you’re never gonna ####### talk to.
- Thou shalt give equal worth to tragedies that occur in non-English speaking countries as to those that occur in English speaking countries.
- Thou shalt remember that guns, bitches and bling were never part of the four elements and never will be.
- Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
- Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
- Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
- Thou shalt not make repetitive generic music.
- Thou shalt not pimp my ride.
- Thou shalt not scream if you wanna go faster.
- Thou shalt not move to the sound of the wickedness.
- Thou shalt not make some noise for Detroit.
- When I say “Hey” thou shalt not say “Ho”.
- When I say “Hip” thou shalt not say “Hop”.
- When I say "he say, she say, we say, make some noise" - kill me.
- Thou shalt not quote me happy.
- Thou shalt not shake it like a polaroid picture.
- Thou shalt not wish your girlfriend was a freak like me.
- Thou shalt "get down with the sickness"
- Thou shalt not "Jump on it".
- Thou shalt spell the word “Phoenix” P-H-O-E-N-I-X not P-H-E-O-N-I-X, because of what the Oxford English Dictionary tells you as the language is called English and not American for a reason.
- Thou shalt not express your shock at the fact that Sharon got off with Bradley at the club last night by saying “Is it”.
- Thou shalt think for yourselves.
- And thou shalt always kill.
Caution: the commandments were originally written in some crazy God language, and were translated to English by three monkeys with typewriters. Some variation of meaning and syntax may have occurred. Your mileage may vary depending of driving styles and grade of gas
[edit] George Carlin's revised list of the three commandments
- Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie.
- Thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone, unless, of course, they pray to a different invisible man then the one you pray to.
- Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
[edit] Ten Commandments, Deuterium 2H:D
- I am the Lord your God.
You shall have no other gods before meNever mind feel free to
have some other gods.
- Thou shalt not steal if it involves a spatula.
- Jews are evil.... wait I don't ever recall saying that.
- The earth is 4.5 billion years old, AND YES BITCH I INVENTED RADIOMETRIC DATING.
- THIS IS SPARTAAAAAAA! Seriously it's over 9000
- Thou shalt not take off any zig before me.
- THE BIBLE IS A LIE Wait it's not (Not the cake, I ate it before you got there, sorry)
- FRED PHELPS IS A SINNER AND WILL BE SENT TO THE 3.14th CIRCLE OF HELL!
- There's no such thing as a Cabel, only Cain...(WTF is that)
- This is the Commandment 9.32412........ not ten.
- Thou shalt not donate to the Vatican.
- Thou sodium chlorite not muder atheists
- It is a sin to claim that there are more than 10, even if that's true.
- Women are impure because they are always showing off their boob, JUST BECAUSE YOU ASKED THEM TO MOTHERFUCKER!
- You shall not convert your neighbor's house using a dark mage.
- Thou salt not play as a paladin. Fucking Immune.
- The five pillars are there.
- Thou shall listen to the lord's music (AC/DC)
[edit] Ten Commandments According to Mr. T
- I pity the fool who don't worship God!
- I pity the fool who worship a false idol!
- I pity the fool who use God's name in vain!
- I pity the fool who don't remember the Sabbath!
- I pity the fool who don't honour their mother and father!
- I pity the fool who murder without a cause!
- I pity the fool who #### wit' someone outta marriage!
- I pity the fool who steal!
- I pity the fool who bears false witness!
- I pity the fool who covets his neighbour's ####!
- I pity the fool who gets laid with his neighbor's wife and hideth in the closet when his neighbor cometh home.
[edit] When?
In the future. The future of tomorrow. That's like the DOUBLE FUTURE. Because God wasn't really paying attention when writing the commandment, he forgot to have the event fall in normal space-time, in fact they react INVERSELY to space-time. So the older they get, the more pristine they get. They were actually destroyed by Moses; he was kinda stoned at the time. That's how he dealt with wandering in the desert for so damn long, total bong smoking.
[edit] The Ten Commandments According to Chuck Norris
1. I am the Chuck thy Norris, who roundhouse kicked all the evil from thee. Thou shalt worship no other gods but my God, and his Sonny, Jesus.
2. Thou shalt not wear white after Labor Day. This is confusion.
3. Thou shalt not use the "thou shalt not" construction. I shalt, but thou shaltn't.
[edit] Don't Confuse Them With
- The Ten Commandments, which are totally different
- Ten General Commandments of All Humanity -- God's revelation to Sidney Trammell!
- Twelve Monkeys
- The Eleven Commandments
- That film with Charlton Heston
- The Nine Lives of a Cat
- The Eight Tiny Reindeer
- The Seven Samurai
- The Sixth Sense
- The Fifth Protocol
- The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
- The Three Degrees
- The Two Towers
- And The Partridge Family in a pair of trees.
