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== [[African American]] ==
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* Article feature date: 4 March 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>4 March 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|African American}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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== [[Jim Jarmusch]] ==
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=== 04 March 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Afro_american.gif|150px|link=African American
* Article feature date: 8 July 2009
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>8 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Jim Jarmusch}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Jim Jarmusch|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
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'''[[African American|African-American]]''' is the [[racial]], [[Politics|political]], [[Sociology|social]] and [[Culture|cultural]] group that includes all [[Americans]] with naturally [[black people|dark skin]], and specifically those with [[Africa]]n ancestry, even though most of them weren't born in Africa and have never been to Africa themselves. Many can't find it on a map.
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247356800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>12 July 2009</u>}}
 
   
=== 08 July 2009 ===
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Americans who are not African-American are presumed [[white people|white]] even if they ''were'' born in Africa. But [[white people]] can be African-American too, based on lineage. (For example, [[the old man down the street]] was born to missionaries in [[Botswana]] and can therefore be considered African-American despite being as pale as a pig. In fact, that's what he tells the [[census]], just to screw it up.)
{{FeatArticleImg|Jim_Jarmusch.jpg|100px}}
 
'''[[Jim Jarmusch]]''' is not a filmmaker. He is an [[artist]] who happens to make films. If you have ever seen a Jarmusch film—and the chances are that you have not because normal theaters can't bear the weight of his brilliance and his films are rarely ever seen except by privileged smart people—and you did not consider it the pinnacle of cinematic artistic genius, then you are a [[moron]].
 
   
You are not worthy.
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According to Columbia Law School professor Robert Hamburger, the best answer to the question, "Who is African-American?" is self-identification on the [[census]]. That is, an African-American is anyone who says he is (and, except for the example above, whites aren't exactly queueing up). Hamburger writes that, although most who use the label point to physical appearance, there is little consistency. Different regions, economic classes, and locales can assign the same individual to opposite "races."
   
''' Early life '''
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Professor [[Geraldo Rivera]] defines an African-American as, "A person with African ancestral origins, who self-identifies, or is identified, as Black, African or Afro-Caribbean." Supreme Court Justice [[Potter Stewart]] was notoriously unable to define it, but said, "I know it when I see it." Radio authority [[Don Imus]] defines an African-American as "anyone who is nappy-headed." '''([[African American|more]]...)'''
   
Jarmusch was born in black and white silence, from very early on uncannily resembling [[Nick Cave]] with grey hair. His father made wry jokes in which timing and ensuing silence contributed more to the humor than the punch line.
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== [[Hydrocarbon]] ==
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* Article feature date: 8 March 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>8 March 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Hydrocarbon}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1426118400 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>12 March 2015</u>}}
   
As a child, he was stuck permanently in a corner of his parents house reading [[Jack Kerouac|Kerouac]]. When he was a little older, he became dreadfully disillusioned, and set out on the road, usually with two other characters, making his way to some destination or other for no considerable reason.'''([[Jim Jarmusch|more]]...)'''
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=== 08 March 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|AlkaneGore.png|150px|link=Hydrocarbon}}
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'''[[Hydrocarbon|The term Hydrocarbon]]''' comprises many groups and series within the field of [[Chemistry (class)|chemistry]] and as such is a many-faceted area predominately involved with blowing things up - but this time with many useful applications and functions, promise.
   
== [[UnTweets:George Peterson]] ==
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Simply put, hydrocarbons are chemical species containing [[Carbon|soot]] and [[Hydrogen|inflamable air]]. This unlikely combo has stood the test of time - becoming a popular group of chemicals overtaking halides as <nowiki>'Homologous series of the year'</nowiki> to represent coal dust and <nowiki>'H'</nowiki> to represent blimp-gas.
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 9 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>9 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnTweets:George Peterson}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=UnTweets:George Peterson|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247443200 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>13 July 2009</u>}}
 
   
=== 09 July 2009 ===
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Alkanes are often thought of as the simplest of the hydrocarbons, however to the informed, quite the opposite is true. Hidden beneath their basic appearance lies increasingly subtle layers of intrigues- ranging from the painfully mundane (picking up their kids from the creche ect) to overwhelmingly complex (Reviewing the top ten sonic slashfics on FanFiction.net).They have the general formula <math>C_{n}H_{2n+2}</math> where '''n''' is the number of grains of soot put into the witch's pot before formulating the alkane.This general formula however doesn't account for side chains formed when too many farts get near the conical test tube thingy whatever device.The simplest alkane is in fact [[Fartium]] which consists of but one soot granule beset on all sides by pockets of common laboratory runoff. You may have already deduced that this means everybody who has ever farted has ingested coal at one point in their lives (don't lie this is an empirical FACT you creepy charcoal junkies). '''([[Hydrocarbon|more]]...)'''
{{FeatArticleImg|Twitter logo header.png|100px}}
 
'''Name:''' George W. Peterson<br>
 
'''Location:''' Chilly Parts of Scotland<br>
 
'''Bio:''' Newspaper editor ("The Kinrossie Times"), happily married to not only Sarah, but also to gardening.
 
   
'''Following''' 294<br>
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== [[Worst bumper stickers]] ==
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* Article feature date: 13 March 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>13 March 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Worst bumper stickers}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1426550400 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>17 March 2015</u>}}
   
'''Followers''' 1007
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=== 13 March 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Coexist.jpg|150px|link=Worst bumper stickers}}
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'''[[Worst bumper stickers|Bumper stickers]]''' occupy the bumpers of cars and bear short, pithy slogans. The worst bumper stickers of all time are those that are the worst at making any sense — if one thinks about it. Unfortunately, that is a huge "if". Most voters believe that anything that rhymes, alliterates, or uses perky colors must be based in wisdom. These worsts may in fact be bests, as any slogan that lets a politician prevail without making sense is a God-send.
   
'''Saturday May 3rd'''
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The writers of such bumper stickers can get corner desks in a Congressional office where they can spend decades doing nearly no work, on their way to a pension paid for by chumps who do: a sinecure almost as alluring as that of his boss — and without the pesky business of voting on bills.
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Some candidate bumper stickers do not even state the office for which he is running.
   
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Went for my fifth "Cabbage Check-Up" a few minutes ago. Sarah thinks I'm mad, but I don't want to miss anything, now do I?|13:35pm May 3rd|web}}
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Most bumper stickers bear only the name of the candidate, and even conceal which political party he is in. Indeed, if sufficiently vague, hundreds of voters will slap them on their cars — at which point the pointless sticker starts to make its point: Everyone else is for me. Which somehow becomes a compelling reason for you to be for me as well. Ideally, so many people buy this that the candidate can waltz to the legislature without ever making a point at all.
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Have got to start preparing for new arrival!|14:21pm May 3rd|web}}
 
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Sarah has just brought home the new cat, and she's settling in. She's eight weeks old, ginger, and incredibly excitable. I think she has [[OCD]]. Any ideas for names?|16:09pm May 3rd|web}}
 
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Sarah has put today's newspaper in the litter tray. Now how am I supposed to find out the news?|16:23pm May 3rd|web}}
 
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Just remembered I have the Internet! Who needs newspapers anyway!?|16:25pm May 3rd|web}}'''([[UnTweets:George Peterson|more]]...)'''
 
   
== [[Mrs. God's blog]] ==
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Political columnists have duly noted that this slogan "covers everything from Christ to Hitler." No matter. Whatever results from the next election has got to be better than what we have now, right?
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Yes, we can! In a similar way, the obvious question, which no one has ever asked, is: Yes, we can...do what? '''([[Worst bumper stickers|more]]...)'''
* Article feature date: 10 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>10 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Mrs. God's blog}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Mrs. God's blog|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 10 July 2009 ===
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== [[Jeb Bush]] ==
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* Article feature date: 18 March 2015
Mrs God’s blog is republished from Facebook with permission of the author.
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>18 March 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Jeb Bush}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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'''May 20th, 2009'''
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=== 18 March 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Jebbers.jpg|150px|link=Jeb Bush}}
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'''[[Jeb Bush|John Ellis Bush]]''' (born February 11, 1953) is a son of [[George H.W. Bush]] ("Bush 41") and younger brother of [[George W. Bush]] ("Bush 43"), whom many people are touting as "Bush 45" assuming that yet another [[President]]ial campaign between a Bush and a [[Hillary Clinton|Clinton]] will be more nearly winnable than waiting for new ideas from the [[Republican Party]].
   
Hiiiii!
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Jeb was governor of [[Florida]] from 1999 to 2007. This gives him a record of executive experience a voter could study which, unlike that of [[Hillary Clinton]], does not feature cover-ups, "[[Slut|bimbo]]" eruptions, or murdered ambassadors. He even killed 1 mass-transit project, and that is more than the other two President Bushes combined, though [[Florida]] voters did a brief end-run around him and resurrected it, at which time, he drove a stake through its heart, cremated it, and opened the urn in a [[tornado]]. In fact, the only storm on his horizon is not his past but the stuff that continues coming out of his mouth in the present.
   
Just a few words from me, Mrs God. I know you haven’t heard from me much over the years, but now that my hubby’s away…
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Jeb was born in Midland, [[Texas]], at a time when most Texans were preoccupied either reading [[Tolkien|J.R.R.]] or trying to determine who killed J.R. It will surprise the reader to learn that "Jeb" is an acronym for Jeb's given name — and a damned better acronym than U.S.A. P.A.T.R.I.O.T., which should have occurred to his brother George W. after the [[September 11 attacks]]. If he had named it the Jeb Act, we would not have to futz with secret anti-[[terrorism]] courts and could have put [[1984|telescreen]]s right in living rooms by now.
   
First of all, let me reassure everyone [[God]] is not dead”. We heard a lot of that in the 60s. It wasn’t true then and it’s not true now. Phew!
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In fact, it was not until the age of 34 that the family gave Jeb any nickname at all, a slight that surely weighs on the adult. With being passed over in favor of his father and older brother for President, these continuing slights suggest that this obvious third [[fiddle]] might compensate by returning to the [[Middle East]] or even starting a personal [[nuclear war]]. However, either decision could set the stage for a [[pity]]-based re-election campaign in 2020, the first since [[Hubert Humphrey]] confessed that his campaign [[suck]]ed and threw himself on the mercy of the American electorate. Focus groups are already testing slogans such as, "What is he, chopped liver?" '''([[Jeb Bush|more]]...)'''
   
It '''''IS''''' true that He picked up a bit of a [[coke]] habit – and I can tell you, God moved in some peculiar ways back then. But we’ve finally persuaded Him to face His issues and booked Him into [[Rehab]] – He said “No, no, no” for thirty years and when God says “No” it’s very hard to change His mind but He's finally checked into the Priory and we're hoping He can work through some of His issues and make a full recovery. '''([[Mrs. God's blog|more]]...)'''
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== [[Raphael]] ==
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* Article feature date: 23 March 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>23 March 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Raphael}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1427414400 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>27 March 2015</u>}}
   
== [[Wild Bill Hickok]] ==
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=== 23 March 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Raphael-3.jpg|150px|link=Raphael}}
* Article feature date: 11 July 2009
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'''[[Raphael]]''' (1483-1520), he of the sickly smiling [[Madonna]] and Child paintings, the School of Athens fresco at the [[Vatican]] and the Galatea slap-on work, hasn't aged so well as regards his artistic reputation. No one cites him as an influence except the purveyors of the chocolate box school of artists whose work can often be found staring down at you from Catholic Church cathedrals. Raphael lived well and died in his late 30s, just before he would have lost his hair and developed a paunch.
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>11 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Wild Bill Hickok}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Wild Bill Hickok|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 11 July 2009 ===
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Raphael became exceedingly filthy rich, successful and the toast of Renaissance Rome. He must have been insufferable to all those who crossed his path: [[Leonardo da Vinci]] and [[Michelangelo]] could rare agree on anything but both hated the 'boy' with intense passion, especially Michelangelo who was rumoured to have been turned down for a bit of man-on-man action with the young pretender when they both worked on the Sistine Chapel. He could have become a saint except in the manner of his death - a heart attack after some rigorous in-studio rogering of his favourite mistress Margherita Luti.
{{FeatArticleImg|Wildbill.jpg|100px}}
 
'''James Butler Hickok''' (May 27, 1837 - August 2, 1876), better known as '''[[Wild Bill Hickok]]''', was a figure of renown in the American Old West. He is remembered for his skills as a gunfighter, sharpshooter, marksman, and his excellent aim with a firearm. Hickok's exploits gained him such great fame that he earned the moniker of "Bill" despite that nickname having virtually no connection to his actual name. This nickname also inspired similar nicknames for other men named William.<ref>Though research has shown that the sizes of all of these subsequent men's genitals pale in comparison to Hickok's.</ref> Hickok's horse was called ''Black Nell'', and he owned two Colt 1851 Navy Revolvers, along with a rarely-used Colt 1855 Air Force Bazooka.
 
   
Hickok came to the West in the little-known Boron Rush of 1849. To help finance his Boron-seeking operation, he became a part-time stagecoach driver. He spent most of his time in the territories of [[Nebraska]] and [[Kansas]], progressing from stagecoach driver to stagecoach driver/lawman, and finally to lawman. He served in the [[Union]] army during the [[Battle of Gettysburg|American Civil War]], giving his allegiance to [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] and his modest beard over [[Robert E. Lee|Jefferson Davis]]' pretty-boy hairstyle.<ref>Hair meant ''a lot'' to those living in the 1800s.</ref> He gained publicity after the war as a scout, marksman, skilled juggler, and professional gambler. Hickok was involved in countless Wild West shootouts, often shooting people off of roofs and using [[cactus|cactusses]] for cover, among other Wild West stereotypes. He was ultimately killed while playing poker in a [[North Dakota|Dakota Territory]] saloon. '''([[Wild Bill Hickok|more]]...)'''
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Born Raffaello Sanzio da Urbino, 'Raphe' grew up with angelic kiss-me-quick hair curls and a smile that got him a lot of work - and clients amongst the cassock lifters in the Roman Catholic Church. These were the days before [[Martin Luther]]'s banging rude jokes on church doors and at time when the Papacy was in a full, florid corruption that so angered the sober sided Christians that they would later smash up churches in the manner of [[Gaiseric the Vandal]] a thousand years earlier.
   
== [[Fan service]] ==
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Blessed with Italian pretty boy genes and a smeary palette, Raphael soon showed he knew how to get work. This essentially meant from two sources: The Catholic Church or rich italians who wanted to boast of their achievements and attractions with portraits. Others wanted suitable cultural pagan myths illustrated for bedroom stimulation. In reply, Raphael just gave them a lot of Madonnas with Jesus sitting pretty on her lap. '''([[Raphael|more]]...)'''
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* Article feature date: 12 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>12 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Fan service}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Fan service|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 12 July 2009 ===
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== [[NBC]] ==
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* Article feature date: 28 March 2015
A '''fan''' is a useful device for keeping oneself cool in hot weather. However, whether your fan is electric or one of the more traditional "folded pieces of paper," it will occasionally require service. Fortunately, there are service stations in most major cities.
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>28 March 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|NBC}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1427846400 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>1 April 2015</u>}}
   
Prior to [[World War 2]], fans were serviced primarily by overweight men with ill-fitting pants. However, when these men were drafted, the industry was taken over primarily by young women. Due to the suspicious number of fan serviceman deaths at the Battle of Iwo Jima, the industry has remained [[sexy|dominated]] by females to this day.
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=== 28 March 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|NBC 2014.png|140px|link=NBC}}
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'''[[NBC]]''' is an [[American]] [[television]] corporation. During television's "[[Urine|golden age]]," NBC was a big member of the "Big Three," which tirelessly presented the same content as its two rivals.
   
Fan servicewomen pride themselves on their competence, professionalism, and complete inability to find clothes that cover more than 40% of their skin.
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In the modern era, NBC has split into dozens of niche channels and projects, which swim in every American's video [[blood]]stream like an antibody looking for an infectious idea to latch onto and destroy.
   
Although fan service is a rewarding job, it also comes with certain challenges. In order to draw attention to the plight of these women, this article will focus largely on those challenges. '''([[Fan service|more]]...)'''
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NBC was begun by the Radio Corporation of America (RCA), eventually to stand proudly alongside [[CBS]] and [[ABC]]. This was the reassuring [[20th Century]], in which everything big had a three-letter abbreviation. There was no [[torture]] of [[terrorist]]s but merely DOD, and [[Dwight Eisenhower|RET]] to the [[South Korea|ROK]], and [[welfare]] was simply HUD and HEW, and even spoke [[English]] without an [[African American]] accent, [[LOL]]. It was a nation where [[Grandpa]] still had decades left before discovering that permanent foreign involvement and the welfare state didn't work — and even after he did, he would keep getting checks in the mail from the SSA.
   
== [[UnNews:The God Interview]] ==
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RCA had acquired two [[radio]] stations, WJZ in [[Newark]] and WEAF in [[New York City]]. RCA was perturbed that WEAF had more than three letters, and no less perturbed that no one could listen to both stations at the same time (as people had at most one radio).
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* Article feature date: 13 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>13 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnNews:The God Interview}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=UnNews:The God Interview|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 13 July 2009 ===
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At the time, no one wanted to listen to even one radio station, and they did so only because the only alternative was going outdoors and listening to sirens and gunshots. The [[scientist]]s of the day were experimenting with using radio to send pictures as well as sounds, and RCA management was experimenting with running two businesses without two staffs. "We are starting a [[network]]" became a more pleasing posture than, "We are firing all the employees and keeping their pay."'''([[NBC|more]]...)'''
{{FeatArticleImg|Godsuit.jpg|100px}}
 
''Worshipped by some, denied by others, UnNews brings you this exclusive interview with the one and only '''God'''. Where did we come from? Where did we go? Whatever happened to Cotton Eye Joe? What makes the Almighty Creator tick? We hope to find out these things and more in this unprecedented UnNews event.''
 
 
 
'''UnNews:''' What can I say, God, if I may call you so, it’s a pleasure to have you with us today. This is a real step up from last week’s guest, a morbidly obese kid that almost scored an on-air on [[American Idol]].
 
 
'''GOD:''' Well, I’m glad to be here. And “God” is fine. Tack on “Almighty Omnipotent” if you wish.
 
 
'''UnNews:''' Well, Almighty Omnipotent God, I must say you really look a lot like I imagined. The robe. The long white beard. The wise, stern countenance. It’s all there.
 
 
'''GOD:''' This physical presence you are now visualizing is no more than a projection of your image of Me. You better be making Me look good!
 
 
'''UnNews:''' Uh, oh yes, trust me; you’re looking hot, God. [[George Clooney]]’s got nothing on you. Look out ladies!
 
'''([[UnNews:The God Interview|more]]...)'''
 

Latest revision as of 09:41, March 28, 2015


edit African American

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Afro american

African-American is the racial, political, social and cultural group that includes all Americans with naturally dark skin, and specifically those with African ancestry, even though most of them weren't born in Africa and have never been to Africa themselves. Many can't find it on a map.

Americans who are not African-American are presumed white even if they were born in Africa. But white people can be African-American too, based on lineage. (For example, the old man down the street was born to missionaries in Botswana and can therefore be considered African-American despite being as pale as a pig. In fact, that's what he tells the census, just to screw it up.)

According to Columbia Law School professor Robert Hamburger, the best answer to the question, "Who is African-American?" is self-identification on the census. That is, an African-American is anyone who says he is (and, except for the example above, whites aren't exactly queueing up). Hamburger writes that, although most who use the label point to physical appearance, there is little consistency. Different regions, economic classes, and locales can assign the same individual to opposite "races."

Professor Geraldo Rivera defines an African-American as, "A person with African ancestral origins, who self-identifies, or is identified, as Black, African or Afro-Caribbean." Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart was notoriously unable to define it, but said, "I know it when I see it." Radio authority Don Imus defines an African-American as "anyone who is nappy-headed." (more...)

edit Hydrocarbon

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edit 08 March 2015

AlkaneGore

The term Hydrocarbon comprises many groups and series within the field of chemistry and as such is a many-faceted area predominately involved with blowing things up - but this time with many useful applications and functions, promise.

Simply put, hydrocarbons are chemical species containing soot and inflamable air. This unlikely combo has stood the test of time - becoming a popular group of chemicals overtaking halides as 'Homologous series of the year' to represent coal dust and 'H' to represent blimp-gas.

Alkanes are often thought of as the simplest of the hydrocarbons, however to the informed, quite the opposite is true. Hidden beneath their basic appearance lies increasingly subtle layers of intrigues- ranging from the painfully mundane (picking up their kids from the creche ect) to overwhelmingly complex (Reviewing the top ten sonic slashfics on FanFiction.net).They have the general formula C_{n}H_{2n+2} where n is the number of grains of soot put into the witch's pot before formulating the alkane.This general formula however doesn't account for side chains formed when too many farts get near the conical test tube thingy whatever device.The simplest alkane is in fact Fartium which consists of but one soot granule beset on all sides by pockets of common laboratory runoff. You may have already deduced that this means everybody who has ever farted has ingested coal at one point in their lives (don't lie this is an empirical FACT you creepy charcoal junkies). (more...)

edit Worst bumper stickers

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Coexist

Bumper stickers occupy the bumpers of cars and bear short, pithy slogans. The worst bumper stickers of all time are those that are the worst at making any sense — if one thinks about it. Unfortunately, that is a huge "if". Most voters believe that anything that rhymes, alliterates, or uses perky colors must be based in wisdom. These worsts may in fact be bests, as any slogan that lets a politician prevail without making sense is a God-send.

The writers of such bumper stickers can get corner desks in a Congressional office where they can spend decades doing nearly no work, on their way to a pension paid for by chumps who do: a sinecure almost as alluring as that of his boss — and without the pesky business of voting on bills. Some candidate bumper stickers do not even state the office for which he is running.

Most bumper stickers bear only the name of the candidate, and even conceal which political party he is in. Indeed, if sufficiently vague, hundreds of voters will slap them on their cars — at which point the pointless sticker starts to make its point: Everyone else is for me. Which somehow becomes a compelling reason for you to be for me as well. Ideally, so many people buy this that the candidate can waltz to the legislature without ever making a point at all.

Political columnists have duly noted that this slogan "covers everything from Christ to Hitler." No matter. Whatever results from the next election has got to be better than what we have now, right? Yes, we can! In a similar way, the obvious question, which no one has ever asked, is: Yes, we can...do what? (more...)

edit Jeb Bush

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edit 18 March 2015

Jebbers

John Ellis Bush (born February 11, 1953) is a son of George H.W. Bush ("Bush 41") and younger brother of George W. Bush ("Bush 43"), whom many people are touting as "Bush 45" assuming that yet another Presidential campaign between a Bush and a Clinton will be more nearly winnable than waiting for new ideas from the Republican Party.

Jeb was governor of Florida from 1999 to 2007. This gives him a record of executive experience a voter could study which, unlike that of Hillary Clinton, does not feature cover-ups, "bimbo" eruptions, or murdered ambassadors. He even killed 1 mass-transit project, and that is more than the other two President Bushes combined, though Florida voters did a brief end-run around him and resurrected it, at which time, he drove a stake through its heart, cremated it, and opened the urn in a tornado. In fact, the only storm on his horizon is not his past but the stuff that continues coming out of his mouth in the present.

Jeb was born in Midland, Texas, at a time when most Texans were preoccupied either reading J.R.R. or trying to determine who killed J.R. It will surprise the reader to learn that "Jeb" is an acronym for Jeb's given name — and a damned better acronym than U.S.A. P.A.T.R.I.O.T., which should have occurred to his brother George W. after the September 11 attacks. If he had named it the Jeb Act, we would not have to futz with secret anti-terrorism courts and could have put telescreens right in living rooms by now.

In fact, it was not until the age of 34 that the family gave Jeb any nickname at all, a slight that surely weighs on the adult. With being passed over in favor of his father and older brother for President, these continuing slights suggest that this obvious third fiddle might compensate by returning to the Middle East or even starting a personal nuclear war. However, either decision could set the stage for a pity-based re-election campaign in 2020, the first since Hubert Humphrey confessed that his campaign sucked and threw himself on the mercy of the American electorate. Focus groups are already testing slogans such as, "What is he, chopped liver?" (more...)

edit Raphael

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Raphael-3

Raphael (1483-1520), he of the sickly smiling Madonna and Child paintings, the School of Athens fresco at the Vatican and the Galatea slap-on work, hasn't aged so well as regards his artistic reputation. No one cites him as an influence except the purveyors of the chocolate box school of artists whose work can often be found staring down at you from Catholic Church cathedrals. Raphael lived well and died in his late 30s, just before he would have lost his hair and developed a paunch.

Raphael became exceedingly filthy rich, successful and the toast of Renaissance Rome. He must have been insufferable to all those who crossed his path: Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo could rare agree on anything but both hated the 'boy' with intense passion, especially Michelangelo who was rumoured to have been turned down for a bit of man-on-man action with the young pretender when they both worked on the Sistine Chapel. He could have become a saint except in the manner of his death - a heart attack after some rigorous in-studio rogering of his favourite mistress Margherita Luti.

Born Raffaello Sanzio da Urbino, 'Raphe' grew up with angelic kiss-me-quick hair curls and a smile that got him a lot of work - and clients amongst the cassock lifters in the Roman Catholic Church. These were the days before Martin Luther's banging rude jokes on church doors and at time when the Papacy was in a full, florid corruption that so angered the sober sided Christians that they would later smash up churches in the manner of Gaiseric the Vandal a thousand years earlier.

Blessed with Italian pretty boy genes and a smeary palette, Raphael soon showed he knew how to get work. This essentially meant from two sources: The Catholic Church or rich italians who wanted to boast of their achievements and attractions with portraits. Others wanted suitable cultural pagan myths illustrated for bedroom stimulation. In reply, Raphael just gave them a lot of Madonnas with Jesus sitting pretty on her lap. (more...)

edit NBC

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edit 28 March 2015

NBC 2014

NBC is an American television corporation. During television's "golden age," NBC was a big member of the "Big Three," which tirelessly presented the same content as its two rivals.

In the modern era, NBC has split into dozens of niche channels and projects, which swim in every American's video bloodstream like an antibody looking for an infectious idea to latch onto and destroy.

NBC was begun by the Radio Corporation of America (RCA), eventually to stand proudly alongside CBS and ABC. This was the reassuring 20th Century, in which everything big had a three-letter abbreviation. There was no torture of terrorists but merely DOD, and RET to the ROK, and welfare was simply HUD and HEW, and even spoke English without an African American accent, LOL. It was a nation where Grandpa still had decades left before discovering that permanent foreign involvement and the welfare state didn't work — and even after he did, he would keep getting checks in the mail from the SSA.

RCA had acquired two radio stations, WJZ in Newark and WEAF in New York City. RCA was perturbed that WEAF had more than three letters, and no less perturbed that no one could listen to both stations at the same time (as people had at most one radio).

At the time, no one wanted to listen to even one radio station, and they did so only because the only alternative was going outdoors and listening to sirens and gunshots. The scientists of the day were experimenting with using radio to send pictures as well as sounds, and RCA management was experimenting with running two businesses without two staffs. "We are starting a network" became a more pleasing posture than, "We are firing all the employees and keeping their pay."(more...)

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