Template:Featuredarticle/queue

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

< Template:Featuredarticle(Difference between revisions)
Jump to: navigation, search
m (UnNews:U.S. corners Palestine rubble futures market)
 
(3,762 intermediate revisions by 27 users not shown)
Line 5: Line 5:
 
-->
 
-->
   
  +
== [[Screaming Lord Sutch]] ==
  +
* Article feature date: 5 June 2015
  +
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>5 June 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Screaming Lord Sutch}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
  +
*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1433808000 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>9 June 2015</u>}}
   
  +
=== 05 June 2015 ===
  +
{{FeatArticleImg|Lord_Sutch.jpg|130px|link=Screaming Lord Sutch}}
  +
'''[[Screaming Lord Sutch]]''' originally David Edward Sutch, was [[Prime Minister of the UK]] and leader of the [[WP:Official Monster Raving Loony Party|Official Monster Raving Loony Party]] (OMRLP). Lord Sutch is renowned as one of the greatest leaders of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party, alongside Howling Laud Hope. He was given the honorary title of Screaming [[Lord]] by Her Majesty [[the Queen]] after he successfully led the [[UK Government]] through the recession and into a brick wall.
   
== [[Jim Jarmusch]] ==
+
Lord Sutch also had a notable secretive criminal career and was almost caught in the shower during a [[police]] raid, but he made a [[Pun|clean]] getaway. David (as he was then) was born on a date, after his mother, Elizabeth Sutch, ate four dates of the pack of five, leaving the last on the end of her [[hospital]] bed. During his childhood, Sutch dedicated his time to political studies. He read [[Marx]]'s "The Cucumber Manifesto", [[Plato]]'s "The Only Way is Loony", [[Aristotle]]'s, "You're Loony and You Know It" and [[John Stuart Mill|Mill]]'s "On Meth". Sutch was inspired by these works of Loonyism to take a political stance as a Raving Loony from a very young age.
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 8 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>8 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Jim Jarmusch}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Jim Jarmusch|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247356800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>12 July 2009</u>}}
 
   
=== 08 July 2009 ===
+
In the first part of his [[life]] (from when he was born up until the second part of his life), Screaming Lord Sutch not only created the Official Monster Raving Loony Party but took it with him to glory. In 40 years, it went from being a minor party that only just beat the Social Democrat Party in every bi-election to the most popular political party in the UK, where he formed his government in 2010, lasting until his premature death in January 2013. '''([[Screaming Lord Sutch|more]]...)'''
{{FeatArticleImg|Jim_Jarmusch.jpg|100px}}
 
'''[[Jim Jarmusch]]''' is not a filmmaker. He is an [[artist]] who happens to make films. If you have ever seen a Jarmusch film—and the chances are that you have not because normal theaters can't bear the weight of his brilliance and his films are rarely ever seen except by privileged smart people—and you did not consider it the pinnacle of cinematic artistic genius, then you are a [[moron]].
 
   
You are not worthy.
+
== [[Audiophile]] ==
  +
* Article feature date: 11 June 2015
  +
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>11 June 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Audiophile}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
  +
*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1434326400 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>15 June 2015</u>}}
   
''' Early life '''
+
=== 11 June 2015 ===
  +
{{FeatArticleImg|PirateRadioRig.jpg|140px|link=Audiophile}}
  +
'''[[Audiophile|An Audiophile]]''' is not someone who is sexually attracted to sound. Technically, even a "moaner" is not an audiophile. Rather, an audiophile is someone who accumulates a room full of audio equipment.
   
Jarmusch was born in black and white silence, from very early on uncannily resembling [[Nick Cave]] with grey hair. His father made wry jokes in which timing and ensuing silence contributed more to the humor than the punch line.
+
The ostensible purpose of being an audiophile is to get the best sound possible. This happens in one of two places:
  +
*In the audiophile's tiny apartment next to the train tracks where the neighbors call the police if the volume is above 2, or
  +
*In the audiophile's tiny [[Hyundai]] shifted into 4th gear so he can hear the music over the sound of grinding aluminum.
   
As a child, he was stuck permanently in a corner of his parents house reading [[Jack Kerouac|Kerouac]]. When he was a little older, he became dreadfully disillusioned, and set out on the road, usually with two other characters, making his way to some destination or other for no considerable reason.'''([[Jim Jarmusch|more]]...)'''
+
Audiophilia began in the 1970s, when many [[baby boomers]] were incredibly rich and bored. They had decided that their parents' perfectly acceptable console [[stereo]]s did not satisfy their inexplicable need to have true, high-fidelity sound.
   
== [[UnTweets:George Peterson]] ==
+
[[American]] [[capitalism]] instantly moved to meet this need. Stereo shops sprang up everywhere to sell component stereos. These products were better than console stereos for the following reasons:
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
+
*They comprised ten or fifteen different boxes that required their own bookshelf (with no [[books]]) instead of a single primitive box that did everything;
* Article feature date: 9 July 2009
+
*Each of the components had an exotic brand name that sounded either [[German]] or [[Japanese]]; and
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>9 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnTweets:George Peterson}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=UnTweets:George Peterson|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
+
*The total cost was ten times as high.
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247443200 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>13 July 2009</u>}}
 
   
=== 09 July 2009 ===
+
The increased cost put the new hobby out of the reach of the untrained ear of the common person, while the ability to pick components from different manufacturers suited the audiophile's desire to prove that he was not a mere sucker for an attractive sales pitch, but rather, for many.
{{FeatArticleImg|Twitter logo header.png|100px}}
 
'''Name:''' George W. Peterson<br>
 
'''Location:''' Chilly Parts of Scotland<br>
 
'''Bio:''' Newspaper editor ("The Kinrossie Times"), happily married to not only Sarah, but also to gardening.
 
   
'''Following''' 294<br>
+
The stated benefit of audiophilia is building an audio system that will precisely reproduce sound. The actual benefit, of course, is [[snob]]bery. The audiophile claims to be the only person in the room who can distinguish the "deep, robust" sound of his four-figure component stereo system from the boom box balanced on DeShawn's shoulder. '''([[Audiophile|more]]...)'''
   
'''Followers''' 1007
+
== [[United Kingdom general election, 2015]] ==
  +
* Article feature date: 17 June 2015
  +
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>17 June 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|United Kingdom general election, 2015}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
  +
*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1434844800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>21 June 2015</u>}}
   
'''Saturday May 3rd'''
+
=== 17 June 2015 ===
  +
{{FeatArticleImg|GEMinorPartySlogan.jpg|190px|link=United Kingdom general election, 2015}}
  +
'''[[United Kingdom general election, 2015|The United Kingdom general election, 2015]]''' took place on the 7th May 2015 to allow the two institutions of the [[BBC]] and the [[Capitalism|City of London]] to compete in deciding who runs the country for the next 5 years. The result of the general election was the longest list of resignations since [[Jeremy Clarkson]]'s catering team left the BBC with him. Eventually the entire [[Politics of the United Kingdom|British political system]] resigned, explaining why it no longer decides who runs the country today.
   
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Went for my fifth "Cabbage Check-Up" a few minutes ago. Sarah thinks I'm mad, but I don't want to miss anything, now do I?|13:35pm May 3rd|web}}
+
The major parties in the UK general election 2015 were chosen through a careful vetting process by the [[Bureaucracy|BBC's Political Betterment Determination Department]]. Apart from the [[Conservative Party]], each major party stood as an alternative to the [[status quo]], even the [[Liberal Democrats]], who had formed part of the previous status quo government and so ended up standing against themselves - something they did with spectacular success.
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Have got to start preparing for new arrival!|14:21pm May 3rd|web}}
 
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Sarah has just brought home the new cat, and she's settling in. She's eight weeks old, ginger, and incredibly excitable. I think she has [[OCD]]. Any ideas for names?|16:09pm May 3rd|web}}
 
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Sarah has put today's newspaper in the litter tray. Now how am I supposed to find out the news?|16:23pm May 3rd|web}}
 
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Just remembered I have the Internet! Who needs newspapers anyway!?|16:25pm May 3rd|web}}'''([[UnTweets:George Peterson|more]]...)'''
 
   
== [[Mrs. God's blog]] ==
+
The [[Conservative]] Party was led by David Cameron, whose wife Samantha (known to her media friends as Sam Cam) has a dolphin tattoo. After going to Eton, “Dave” wanted to be a lorry driver, but left to become a [[Prime Minister]] because he couldn’t stand the bullshit and politics. He is the thirteenth cousin of [[Kim Kardashian]], both sharing a common ancestor landowner and prolific womaniser, Sir William Spencer. He is also related to [[Winston Churchill]], Winston Cigarettes and Winston Wolf.
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 10 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>10 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Mrs. God's blog}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Mrs. God's blog|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247529600 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>14 July 2009</u>}}
 
   
=== 10 July 2009 ===
+
The Conservatives' main pledges were to eliminate [[poor]] people, make course specific cutlery and silver service compulsory for truck stops, and replace sweary TV chefs with harp concertos. Their campaign strategy simply consisted of sticking their fingers in their ears and repeatedly shouting "the economy!" every time any other issue was brought up by other parties. '''([[United Kingdom general election, 2015|more]]...)'''
{{FeatArticleImg|shiva.jpg|100px}}
 
Mrs God’s blog is republished from Facebook with permission of the author.
 
   
'''May 20th, 2009'''
+
== [[Chamber pot]] ==
  +
* Article feature date: 23 June 2015
  +
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>23 June 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Chamber pot}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
  +
*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1435363200 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>27 June 2015</u>}}
   
Hiiiii!
+
=== 23 June 2015 ===
  +
{{FeatArticleImg|Chamberpot_poem.jpg|140px|link=Chamber pot}}
  +
'''[[Chamber pot|A Chamber pot]]''' is a medium-sized bowl that receives human waste products for as long as their owner decides to keep them in his sight.
   
Just a few words from me, Mrs God. I know you haven’t heard from me much over the years, but now that my hubby’s away…
+
The chamber pot shows how something utterly ineffective can capture the world’s attention, and become a significant indicator of economic development, an important object of philosophical study, and an essential literary symbol. The invention of the chamber pot is an event of particular historical note.
   
First of all, let me reassure everyone “[[God]] is not dead”. We heard a lot of that in the 60s. It wasn’t true then and it’s not true now. Phew!
+
Prior to it, for thousand years, during the dawn of humanity, man, mostly unbathed, unshaved and piss poor, ran around naked and passed waste wherever he passed. After a while, the entire Earth was humanity’s chamberpot. Still, it was not until there was enough youth, full of piss and vinegar and hence capable of pissing like racehorses, to alarm the greatest minds into inventing something that would, if not retain the human urge to leave an imprint on his surroundings, then at least make it seem like things, big and small, were under his control.
   
It '''''IS''''' true that He picked up a bit of a [[coke]] habit and I can tell you, God moved in some peculiar ways back then. But we’ve finally persuaded Him to face His issues and booked Him into [[Rehab]] – He said “No, no, no” for thirty years and when God says “No” it’s very hard to change His mind but He's finally checked into the Priory and we're hoping He can work through some of His issues and make a full recovery. '''([[Mrs. God's blog|more]]...)'''
+
Humanity slowed down its pace, even if only for a while, invented the chamberpot and went on pissing around, as naked, unbathed and unshaved as previously.
  +
And when confronted with the child of its progress, full of God-knows-what and, all in all, not worth a fragrant fart, the man, scornful and po-faced, realized what he had gotten himself into, moved on and invented water-closets. The chamber pot tends to be noticed mainly when it is full, and is used mostly by children (who represent the dawn of humanity). Still, its invention marked the transition between the era when humans did not have a pot to piss in and the one when they did.
  +
'''([[Chamber pot|more]]...)'''
   
== [[Wild Bill Hickok]] ==
+
== [[UnNews:U.S. corners Palestine rubble futures market]] ==
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
+
* Article feature date: 30 June 2015
* Article feature date: 11 July 2009
+
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>30 June 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnNews:U.S. corners Palestine rubble futures market}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>11 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Wild Bill Hickok}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Wild Bill Hickok|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold"> FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
+
*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1435968000 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>4 July 2015</u>}}
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247616000 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>15 July 2009</u>}}
 
   
=== 11 July 2009 ===
+
=== 30 June 2015 ===
{{FeatArticleImg|Wildbill.jpg|100px}}
+
{{FeatArticleImg|Mahmoud_Abbas_September_2014.jpg|150px|link=UnNews:U.S. corners Palestine rubble futures market}}
'''James Butler Hickok''' (May 27, 1837 - August 2, 1876), better known as '''[[Wild Bill Hickok]]''', was a figure of renown in the American Old West. He is remembered for his skills as a gunfighter, sharpshooter, marksman, and his excellent aim with a firearm. Hickok's exploits gained him such great fame that he earned the moniker of "Bill" despite that nickname having virtually no connection to his actual name. This nickname also inspired similar nicknames for other men named William.<ref>Though research has shown that the sizes of all of these subsequent men's genitals pale in comparison to Hickok's.</ref> Hickok's horse was called ''Black Nell'', and he owned two Colt 1851 Navy Revolvers, along with a rarely-used Colt 1855 Air Force Bazooka.
+
'''[[UnNews:U.S. corners Palestine rubble futures market|SAFED, Palestine]]''' - U.S. President [[Barack Obama]] signed an agreement with Palestinean President Mahmoud Abbas today to trade in the processing of the region's urban rubble, having failed to reach any agreement to stop creating it.
   
Hickok came to the West in the little-known Boron Rush of 1849. To help finance his Boron-seeking operation, he became a part-time stagecoach driver. He spent most of his time in the territories of [[Nebraska]] and [[Kansas]], progressing from stagecoach driver to stagecoach driver/lawman, and finally to lawman. He served in the [[Union]] army during the [[Battle of Gettysburg|American Civil War]], giving his allegiance to [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] and his modest beard over [[Robert E. Lee|Jefferson Davis]]' pretty-boy hairstyle.<ref>Hair meant ''a lot'' to those living in the 1800s.</ref> He gained publicity after the war as a scout, marksman, skilled juggler, and professional gambler. Hickok was involved in countless Wild West shootouts, often shooting people off of roofs and using [[cactus|cactusses]] for cover, among other Wild West stereotypes. He was ultimately killed while playing poker in a [[North Dakota|Dakota Territory]] saloon. '''([[Wild Bill Hickok|more]]...)'''
+
The so-called [[WP:Trans-Pacific Partnership|Trans-Palestinian Partnership]] will gradually phase out tariffs, duties, inspections, and the role of the [[U.S. Congress]] in the movement of Grade A broken concrete blocks across national boundaries.
   
== [[Fan service]] ==
+
It was non-[[alcoholic]] beverages and mild gratitude to Allah as Mr. Abbas and Mr. Obama publically declared that a Palestine/US economic future "is buried firmly in the trenchant rubble that plagues our streets."
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 12 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>12 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Fan service}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Fan service|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247788800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>17 July 2009</u>}}
 
   
=== 12 July 2009 ===
+
In a candid interview on [[Israel]] TV, Mr. Obama said he has thrown in the [[towel]] on a peace agreement between Israel and a Palestinian state, as he could hardly get his head around the Wikipedia entry, let alone reason with Abbas. Mr. Obama said at least all parties were better off with a financial agreement in the raw-materials sector.
{{FeatArticleImg|Fan_girl_3.jpg|100px}}
 
A '''fan''' is a useful device for keeping oneself cool in hot weather. However, whether your fan is electric or one of the more traditional "folded pieces of paper," it will occasionally require service. Fortunately, there are service stations in most major cities.
 
   
Prior to [[World War 2]], fans were serviced primarily by overweight men with ill-fitting pants. However, when these men were drafted, the industry was taken over primarily by young women. Due to the suspicious number of fan serviceman deaths at the Battle of Iwo Jima, the industry has remained [[sexy|dominated]] by females to this day.
+
The employment rate in Palestine also increased by 0.6%, as tens of Palestinians rushed to join the President's new "Palestinian Rubble Liberation Union (PRLU)". At the same time, a "Fatah Debris and General Workers Union" was formed to protect the PRLU Union members from the PRLU, and a "[[Hamas]] Union of Fragments" to protect the already established Islamic Rubble Movement. '''([[UnNews:U.S. corners Palestine rubble futures market|more]]...)'''
 
Fan servicewomen pride themselves on their competence, professionalism, and complete inability to find clothes that cover more than 40% of their skin.
 
 
Although fan service is a rewarding job, it also comes with certain challenges. In order to draw attention to the plight of these women, this article will focus largely on those challenges. '''([[Fan service|more]]...)'''
 
 
== [[UnNews:The God Interview]] ==
 
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 13 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>13 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnNews:The God Interview}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=UnNews:The God Interview|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247788800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>17 July 2009</u>}}
 
 
=== 13 July 2009 ===
 
{{FeatArticleImg|Godsuit.jpg|100px}}
 
''Worshipped by some, denied by others, UnNews brings you this exclusive interview with the one and only '''God'''. Where did we come from? Where did we go? Whatever happened to Cotton Eye Joe? What makes the Almighty Creator tick? We hope to find out these things and more in this unprecedented UnNews event.''
 
 
 
'''UnNews:''' What can I say, God, if I may call you so, it’s a pleasure to have you with us today. This is a real step up from last week’s guest, a morbidly obese kid that almost scored an on-air on [[American Idol]].
 
 
'''GOD:''' Well, I’m glad to be here. And “God” is fine. Tack on “Almighty Omnipotent” if you wish.
 
 
'''UnNews:''' Well, Almighty Omnipotent God, I must say you really look a lot like I imagined. The robe. The long white beard. The wise, stern countenance. It’s all there.
 
 
'''GOD:''' This physical presence you are now visualizing is no more than a projection of your image of Me. You better be making Me look good!
 
 
'''UnNews:''' Uh, oh yes, trust me; you’re looking hot, God. [[George Clooney]]’s got nothing on you. Look out ladies!
 
'''([[UnNews:The God Interview|more]]...)'''
 

Latest revision as of 21:45, June 29, 2015


edit Screaming Lord Sutch

  • Article feature date: 5 June 2015
  • Feature code: {{FA|date=5 June 2015|revision=5874602}} (Only add this after this page has saved)
  • Remove this section now.

edit 05 June 2015

Lord Sutch

Screaming Lord Sutch originally David Edward Sutch, was Prime Minister of the UK and leader of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party (OMRLP). Lord Sutch is renowned as one of the greatest leaders of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party, alongside Howling Laud Hope. He was given the honorary title of Screaming Lord by Her Majesty the Queen after he successfully led the UK Government through the recession and into a brick wall.

Lord Sutch also had a notable secretive criminal career and was almost caught in the shower during a police raid, but he made a clean getaway. David (as he was then) was born on a date, after his mother, Elizabeth Sutch, ate four dates of the pack of five, leaving the last on the end of her hospital bed. During his childhood, Sutch dedicated his time to political studies. He read Marx's "The Cucumber Manifesto", Plato's "The Only Way is Loony", Aristotle's, "You're Loony and You Know It" and Mill's "On Meth". Sutch was inspired by these works of Loonyism to take a political stance as a Raving Loony from a very young age.

In the first part of his life (from when he was born up until the second part of his life), Screaming Lord Sutch not only created the Official Monster Raving Loony Party but took it with him to glory. In 40 years, it went from being a minor party that only just beat the Social Democrat Party in every bi-election to the most popular political party in the UK, where he formed his government in 2010, lasting until his premature death in January 2013. (more...)

edit Audiophile

  • Article feature date: 11 June 2015
  • Feature code: {{FA|date=11 June 2015|revision=5876073}} (Only add this after this page has saved)
  • Remove this section now.

edit 11 June 2015

PirateRadioRig

An Audiophile is not someone who is sexually attracted to sound. Technically, even a "moaner" is not an audiophile. Rather, an audiophile is someone who accumulates a room full of audio equipment.

The ostensible purpose of being an audiophile is to get the best sound possible. This happens in one of two places:

  • In the audiophile's tiny apartment next to the train tracks where the neighbors call the police if the volume is above 2, or
  • In the audiophile's tiny Hyundai shifted into 4th gear so he can hear the music over the sound of grinding aluminum.

Audiophilia began in the 1970s, when many baby boomers were incredibly rich and bored. They had decided that their parents' perfectly acceptable console stereos did not satisfy their inexplicable need to have true, high-fidelity sound.

American capitalism instantly moved to meet this need. Stereo shops sprang up everywhere to sell component stereos. These products were better than console stereos for the following reasons:

  • They comprised ten or fifteen different boxes that required their own bookshelf (with no books) instead of a single primitive box that did everything;
  • Each of the components had an exotic brand name that sounded either German or Japanese; and
  • The total cost was ten times as high.

The increased cost put the new hobby out of the reach of the untrained ear of the common person, while the ability to pick components from different manufacturers suited the audiophile's desire to prove that he was not a mere sucker for an attractive sales pitch, but rather, for many.

The stated benefit of audiophilia is building an audio system that will precisely reproduce sound. The actual benefit, of course, is snobbery. The audiophile claims to be the only person in the room who can distinguish the "deep, robust" sound of his four-figure component stereo system from the boom box balanced on DeShawn's shoulder. (more...)

edit United Kingdom general election, 2015

  • Article feature date: 17 June 2015
  • Feature code: {{FA|date=17 June 2015|revision=5877933}} (Only add this after this page has saved)
  • Remove this section now.

edit 17 June 2015

GEMinorPartySlogan

The United Kingdom general election, 2015 took place on the 7th May 2015 to allow the two institutions of the BBC and the City of London to compete in deciding who runs the country for the next 5 years. The result of the general election was the longest list of resignations since Jeremy Clarkson's catering team left the BBC with him. Eventually the entire British political system resigned, explaining why it no longer decides who runs the country today.

The major parties in the UK general election 2015 were chosen through a careful vetting process by the BBC's Political Betterment Determination Department. Apart from the Conservative Party, each major party stood as an alternative to the status quo, even the Liberal Democrats, who had formed part of the previous status quo government and so ended up standing against themselves - something they did with spectacular success.

The Conservative Party was led by David Cameron, whose wife Samantha (known to her media friends as Sam Cam) has a dolphin tattoo. After going to Eton, “Dave” wanted to be a lorry driver, but left to become a Prime Minister because he couldn’t stand the bullshit and politics. He is the thirteenth cousin of Kim Kardashian, both sharing a common ancestor landowner and prolific womaniser, Sir William Spencer. He is also related to Winston Churchill, Winston Cigarettes and Winston Wolf.

The Conservatives' main pledges were to eliminate poor people, make course specific cutlery and silver service compulsory for truck stops, and replace sweary TV chefs with harp concertos. Their campaign strategy simply consisted of sticking their fingers in their ears and repeatedly shouting "the economy!" every time any other issue was brought up by other parties. (more...)

edit Chamber pot

  • Article feature date: 23 June 2015
  • Feature code: {{FA|date=23 June 2015|revision=5877990}} (Only add this after this page has saved)
  • Remove this section now.

edit 23 June 2015

Chamberpot poem

A Chamber pot is a medium-sized bowl that receives human waste products for as long as their owner decides to keep them in his sight.

The chamber pot shows how something utterly ineffective can capture the world’s attention, and become a significant indicator of economic development, an important object of philosophical study, and an essential literary symbol. The invention of the chamber pot is an event of particular historical note.

Prior to it, for thousand years, during the dawn of humanity, man, mostly unbathed, unshaved and piss poor, ran around naked and passed waste wherever he passed. After a while, the entire Earth was humanity’s chamberpot. Still, it was not until there was enough youth, full of piss and vinegar and hence capable of pissing like racehorses, to alarm the greatest minds into inventing something that would, if not retain the human urge to leave an imprint on his surroundings, then at least make it seem like things, big and small, were under his control.

Humanity slowed down its pace, even if only for a while, invented the chamberpot and went on pissing around, as naked, unbathed and unshaved as previously. And when confronted with the child of its progress, full of God-knows-what and, all in all, not worth a fragrant fart, the man, scornful and po-faced, realized what he had gotten himself into, moved on and invented water-closets. The chamber pot tends to be noticed mainly when it is full, and is used mostly by children (who represent the dawn of humanity). Still, its invention marked the transition between the era when humans did not have a pot to piss in and the one when they did. (more...)

edit UnNews:U.S. corners Palestine rubble futures market

  • Article feature date: 30 June 2015
  • Feature code: {{FA|date=30 June 2015|revision=5875139}} (Only add this after this page has saved)
  • This section can safely be removed on 4 July 2015

edit 30 June 2015

Mahmoud Abbas September 2014

SAFED, Palestine - U.S. President Barack Obama signed an agreement with Palestinean President Mahmoud Abbas today to trade in the processing of the region's urban rubble, having failed to reach any agreement to stop creating it.

The so-called Trans-Palestinian Partnership will gradually phase out tariffs, duties, inspections, and the role of the U.S. Congress in the movement of Grade A broken concrete blocks across national boundaries.

It was non-alcoholic beverages and mild gratitude to Allah as Mr. Abbas and Mr. Obama publically declared that a Palestine/US economic future "is buried firmly in the trenchant rubble that plagues our streets."

In a candid interview on Israel TV, Mr. Obama said he has thrown in the towel on a peace agreement between Israel and a Palestinian state, as he could hardly get his head around the Wikipedia entry, let alone reason with Abbas. Mr. Obama said at least all parties were better off with a financial agreement in the raw-materials sector.

The employment rate in Palestine also increased by 0.6%, as tens of Palestinians rushed to join the President's new "Palestinian Rubble Liberation Union (PRLU)". At the same time, a "Fatah Debris and General Workers Union" was formed to protect the PRLU Union members from the PRLU, and a "Hamas Union of Fragments" to protect the already established Islamic Rubble Movement. (more...)

Personal tools
projects