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== [[Police]] ==
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* Article feature date: 31 March 2014
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>31 March 2014<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Police}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1396569600 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>4 April 2014</u>}}
   
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=== 31 March 2014 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Policework01.jpg|150px|link=Police}}
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'''[[Police|The term Police]]''' is an [[Rihanna|umbrella term]] to refer to the bodies responsible for the maintenance of public order, the enforcement of law and the use of the most paper in a specific locality. The police have, since the start of the twenty-first century have been pushed into numerous other responsibilities and in the eyes of the general public often combine the roles of social worker, clerical assistant and [[fascist]] into one easy-to-digest package.
   
== [[Jim Jarmusch]] ==
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In developed nations the sight of the police inspires a different response, dependent upon prejudice and past experience. This response can range from inviting the police into your home for a chat about the weather and your invariably right-wing views, to subtly signalling your distaste for the establishment by shouting abuse as the police drive past. In [[United States of America|less developed countries]] the near universal response to the police approaching is usually to hide under your bed and pray that you will not be dragged into the street and beaten like a rug.
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 8 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>8 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Jim Jarmusch}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Jim Jarmusch|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247356800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>12 July 2009</u>}}
 
   
=== 08 July 2009 ===
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Due to the nature of police work a whole host of nicknames for the police service have sprung up and are in common usage throughout the world. These nicknames range from the popular "Pigs", "5-0" and "Feds" to the slightly less common "Iron Jockstrap", "Jam Sandwich" and "Zebra". '''([[Police|more]]...)'''
{{FeatArticleImg|Jim_Jarmusch.jpg|100px}}
 
'''[[Jim Jarmusch]]''' is not a filmmaker. He is an [[artist]] who happens to make films. If you have ever seen a Jarmusch film—and the chances are that you have not because normal theaters can't bear the weight of his brilliance and his films are rarely ever seen except by privileged smart people—and you did not consider it the pinnacle of cinematic artistic genius, then you are a [[moron]].
 
   
You are not worthy.
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== [[UnTunes:I Kissed a Girl (And I Threw Up)]] ==
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* Article feature date: 3 April 2014
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>3 April 2014<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnTunes:I Kissed a Girl (And I Threw Up)}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1396828800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>7 April 2014</u>}}
   
''' Early life '''
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=== 03 April 2014 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Kissedagirl-chrisykelly.png|100px|link=UnTunes:I Kissed a Girl (And I Threw Up)}}
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'''[[UnTunes:I Kissed a Girl (And I Threw Up)|The binge drinking culture ]]''' claims yet another victim: Non-lesbian, [[gay]]-man, Chrisy Kelly. Here he drunkenly sings about it on karaoke night in his local bar [[Euphemism|The Upturned Stool]].
   
Jarmusch was born in black and white silence, from very early on uncannily resembling [[Nick Cave]] with grey hair. His father made wry jokes in which timing and ensuing silence contributed more to the humor than the punch line.
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This was never the way I planned<br/>
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not my intention.<br/>
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I got so dumb, [[drink]] in hand<br/>
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lost my direction.<br/>
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It's not what I’m used to<br/>
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Just couldn’t see [[you]] [[girl]].<br/>
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I’m sorry for myself<br/>
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lost my [[ADHD|attention]].<br/>
   
As a child, he was stuck permanently in a corner of his parents house reading [[Jack Kerouac|Kerouac]]. When he was a little older, he became dreadfully disillusioned, and set out on the road, usually with two other characters, making his way to some destination or other for no considerable reason.'''([[Jim Jarmusch|more]]...)'''
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I kissed a girl<br/>
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And I threw-up.<br/>
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The taste of [[The Fat Girl|her chocolate moustache]]<br/>
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I kissed a girl<br/>
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Didn’t mean it!<br/>
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I hope my [[boyfriend]] don't know her.<br/>
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'''([[UnTunes:I Kissed a Girl (And I Threw Up)|more]]...)'''
   
== [[UnTweets:George Peterson]] ==
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== [[Auguste Escoffier]] ==
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* Article feature date: 5 April 2014
* Article feature date: 9 July 2009
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>5 April 2014<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Auguste Escoffier}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>9 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnTweets:George Peterson}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=UnTweets:George Peterson|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold"> FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1397001600 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>9 April 2014</u>}}
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247443200 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>13 July 2009</u>}}
 
   
=== 09 July 2009 ===
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=== 05 April 2014 ===
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'''Name:''' George W. Peterson<br>
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'''[[ Auguste Escoffier|Georges Auguste Escoffier]]''' ''(28 October 1846 – 12 February 1935)'' was a famous chef, writer, inventor and compulsive liar from Piffle, [[Cumbria]], [[UK]], then later [[Paris]], [[France]]. A version of his name - "Scoff" - entered the English language through word of mouth and then exited via a big dump in the toilet a few hours later.
'''Location:''' Chilly Parts of Scotland<br>
 
'''Bio:''' Newspaper editor ("The Kinrossie Times"), happily married to not only Sarah, but also to gardening.
 
   
'''Following''' 294<br>
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According to Escoffier himself, the circumstances of how he came to be are truly extraordinary. His origins aren't officially documented but in his autobiography Escoffier informs us of his birth: "To whom I was born to, I do not know. But I tell you as I was told by Dankmar, great lord of the mountain, that I was 'happened' into existence and hidden under a rock in the hills of Cumbria until I was ready. From there, after crawling up the side of a wet mountain face, I was plucked, by command, from the mountain by a giant eagle and taken to Paris at the speed of sound."
   
'''Followers''' 1007
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By the age of seventeen, Escoffier had already invented food and with it the means to cook it. It was clear to all who knew the young Escoffier that his destiny was in the kitchen, and armed with his new invention he begun experimenting with a variety of unusual ingredients such as crayfish and lungwort. Within six months, backed with the financial help of his close friend Jean Luc Boregard; Escoffier managed to create a short-list of all-purpose sauces which would make him a living legend in the culinary world, sealing his fame and legacy forever. In his famous cookbook ''Le Guide Culinaire'' he describes how he invented the Five Mother Sauces; Le Cheese Sauce, Le Beef Sauce, Le Fish Sauce, Der Tomato Sauce and ‘Le Fifth One’ and notes how they can be utilised to create any dish. '''([[Auguste Escoffier|more]]...)'''
   
'''Saturday May 3rd'''
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== [[The Art of War]] ==
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* Article feature date: 8 April 2014
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>8 April 2014<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|The Art of War}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1397260800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>12 April 2014</u>}}
   
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Went for my fifth "Cabbage Check-Up" a few minutes ago. Sarah thinks I'm mad, but I don't want to miss anything, now do I?|13:35pm May 3rd|web}}
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=== 08 April 2014 ===
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Have got to start preparing for new arrival!|14:21pm May 3rd|web}}
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{{FeatArticleImg|MouthWar.jpg|180px|link=The Art of War}}
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Sarah has just brought home the new cat, and she's settling in. She's eight weeks old, ginger, and incredibly excitable. I think she has [[OCD]]. Any ideas for names?|16:09pm May 3rd|web}}
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'''[[The Art of War]]''' professionally referred to as '''The Art of Dentistry''', is a book written 2000 years ago by a Chinese Dentist, [[Sun-Tzu|Sun Tzu]]. Sun Tzu who was one of the first people in [[history]] to associate sharp [[instrument|instruments]] with healing [[teeth]] and so discovered the first basic [[rules|rule]] of Dentistry. It is also the general name given to the practice of Dentistry in its purest form, such as to promote research and development of [[technology]] in the dentistry area. Since then the Art of War has continued to develop, leading Carl von Clausewitz to write his book ''On Dentistry'' (translated in to many other languages as ''On War''), in the mid nineteenth century to update the dentistry reference books after the [[invention]] of the [[Toothbrush|steel wire toothbrush]], which of course required different handling technique to the copper wire toothbrush from before.
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Sarah has put today's newspaper in the litter tray. Now how am I supposed to find out the news?|16:23pm May 3rd|web}}
 
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Just remembered I have the Internet! Who needs newspapers anyway!?|16:25pm May 3rd|web}}'''([[UnTweets:George Peterson|more]]...)'''
 
   
== [[Mrs. God's blog]] ==
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''The Art of War'' is now practised and recognised, in modern times, all over the [[World]], such as in the [[Middle East]] where it is proliferated enthusiastically. It specialises in rendering people unable to eat and then charging lots of cash for false teeth replacements. The Royal Society of Dentistry itself enforces the practice across Britain and helps develop the skills required for dentistry at an early age in the [[playground]] through the bullies of the school. '''([[The Art of War|more]]...)'''
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 10 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>10 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Mrs. God's blog}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Mrs. God's blog|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 10 July 2009 ===
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== [[Making up Oscar Wilde quotes]] ==
{{FeatArticleImg|shiva.jpg|100px}}
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* Article feature date: 12 April 2014
Mrs God’s blog is republished from Facebook with permission of the author.
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>12 April 2014<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Making up Oscar Wilde quotes}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1397606400 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>16 April 2014</u>}}
   
'''May 20th, 2009'''
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=== 12 April 2014 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Chaiselongue.jpg|140px|link=ARTICLE NAME HERE}}
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'''[[Making up Oscar Wilde quotes|Hello! My name is Lord Waltherington Spatula.]]''' You might have heard of me from either the news coverage of the tragic tram accident that lost me my arms, or the crown court trial where I was declared mentally incompetent after crashing a tram.
   
Hiiiii!
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I see you're interested in '''Making up Oscar Wilde Quotes'''. I was like you once, so very long ago. If you wish to learn as I did then there is only one way. Step forward, my lovely assistant, Oscar.
   
Just a few words from me, Mrs God. I know you haven’t heard from me much over the years, but now that my hubby’s away…
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''I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best''
   
First of all, let me reassure everyone “[[God]] is not dead”. We heard a lot of that in the 60s. It wasn’t true then and it’s not true now. Phew!
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He's such a card. Yes that's right, it turns out rumours of Oscar's death were greatly overstated as he's here, with me, in this booth, behind these curtains where you couldn't possibly see him. So, Oscar, why don't you tell everyone what they will need to get started?
   
It '''''IS''''' true that He picked up a bit of a [[coke]] habit – and I can tell you, God moved in some peculiar ways back then. But we’ve finally persuaded Him to face His issues and booked Him into [[Rehab]] – He said “No, no, no” for thirty years and when God says “No” it’s very hard to change His mind but He's finally checked into the Priory and we're hoping He can work through some of His issues and make a full recovery. '''([[Mrs. God's blog|more]]...)'''
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''Be warned in time, James, and remain, as I do, incomprehensible: to be great is to be misunderstood'' '''([[Making up Oscar Wilde quotes|more]]...)'''
   
== [[Wild Bill Hickok]] ==
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== [[Accountant]] ==
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* Article feature date: 15 April 2014
* Article feature date: 11 July 2009
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>15 April 2014<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Accountant}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>11 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Wild Bill Hickok}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Wild Bill Hickok|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold"> FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1397865600 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>19 April 2014</u>}}
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247616000 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>15 July 2009</u>}}
 
   
=== 11 July 2009 ===
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=== 15 April 2014 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Ties.jpg|130px|link=Accountant}}
'''James Butler Hickok''' (May 27, 1837 - August 2, 1876), better known as '''[[Wild Bill Hickok]]''', was a figure of renown in the American Old West. He is remembered for his skills as a gunfighter, sharpshooter, marksman, and his excellent aim with a firearm. Hickok's exploits gained him such great fame that he earned the moniker of "Bill" despite that nickname having virtually no connection to his actual name. This nickname also inspired similar nicknames for other men named William.<ref>Though research has shown that the sizes of all of these subsequent men's genitals pale in comparison to Hickok's.</ref> Hickok's horse was called ''Black Nell'', and he owned two Colt 1851 Navy Revolvers, along with a rarely-used Colt 1855 Air Force Bazooka.
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'''[[Accountant|An accountant]]''' is a [[professional]] who sits in an office all day doing a few sums. Most college students aspire to be accountants, as playing on a computer is cool, though it would be cooler if they paid you to use [[World of Warcraft]] instead of [[Excellent|Excel]]. College students with physical gifts do not aspire to be accountants, and may wind up hiring a couple. If being boring were an Olympic sport, accountants would always take home the gold.
   
Hickok came to the West in the little-known Boron Rush of 1849. To help finance his Boron-seeking operation, he became a part-time stagecoach driver. He spent most of his time in the territories of [[Nebraska]] and [[Kansas]], progressing from stagecoach driver to stagecoach driver/lawman, and finally to lawman. He served in the [[Union]] army during the [[Battle of Gettysburg|American Civil War]], giving his allegiance to [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] and his modest beard over [[Robert E. Lee|Jefferson Davis]]' pretty-boy hairstyle.<ref>Hair meant ''a lot'' to those living in the 1800s.</ref> He gained publicity after the war as a scout, marksman, skilled juggler, and professional gambler. Hickok was involved in countless Wild West shootouts, often shooting people off of roofs and using [[cactus|cactusses]] for cover, among other Wild West stereotypes. He was ultimately killed while playing poker in a [[North Dakota|Dakota Territory]] saloon. '''([[Wild Bill Hickok|more]]...)'''
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Webster tells us that an accountant "understands the cost of everything and the value of nothing."
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It is not clear why we should give such credence to Webster, apart from the fact that he has eight accountants working for him: Webster has to go stronger to [[Basketball|the hoop]] and learn to box out his man. At any rate, it is not true that accountants understand the value of nothing. For example, they intimately understand the value of having the total at the bottom of the left-hand column equal the total at the bottom of the right-hand column, just as line employees at [[McDonald's]] understand the value of putting the [[hamburger]] in the [[Styrofoam]] box before handing it to the customer. To mix metaphors, it is their [[bread]] and [[butter]]. '''([[Accountant|more]]...)'''
== [[Fan service]] ==
 
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 12 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>12 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Fan service}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Fan service|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247788800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>17 July 2009</u>}}
 
 
=== 12 July 2009 ===
 
{{FeatArticleImg|Fan_girl_3.jpg|100px}}
 
A '''fan''' is a useful device for keeping oneself cool in hot weather. However, whether your fan is electric or one of the more traditional "folded pieces of paper," it will occasionally require service. Fortunately, there are service stations in most major cities.
 
 
Prior to [[World War 2]], fans were serviced primarily by overweight men with ill-fitting pants. However, when these men were drafted, the industry was taken over primarily by young women. Due to the suspicious number of fan serviceman deaths at the Battle of Iwo Jima, the industry has remained [[sexy|dominated]] by females to this day.
 
 
Fan servicewomen pride themselves on their competence, professionalism, and complete inability to find clothes that cover more than 40% of their skin.
 
 
Although fan service is a rewarding job, it also comes with certain challenges. In order to draw attention to the plight of these women, this article will focus largely on those challenges. '''([[Fan service|more]]...)'''
 
 
== [[UnNews:The God Interview]] ==
 
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 13 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>13 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnNews:The God Interview}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=UnNews:The God Interview|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247788800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>17 July 2009</u>}}
 
 
=== 13 July 2009 ===
 
{{FeatArticleImg|Godsuit.jpg|100px}}
 
''Worshipped by some, denied by others, UnNews brings you this exclusive interview with the one and only '''God'''. Where did we come from? Where did we go? Whatever happened to Cotton Eye Joe? What makes the Almighty Creator tick? We hope to find out these things and more in this unprecedented UnNews event.''
 
 
 
'''UnNews:''' What can I say, God, if I may call you so, it’s a pleasure to have you with us today. This is a real step up from last week’s guest, a morbidly obese kid that almost scored an on-air on [[American Idol]].
 
 
'''GOD:''' Well, I’m glad to be here. And “God” is fine. Tack on “Almighty Omnipotent” if you wish.
 
 
'''UnNews:''' Well, Almighty Omnipotent God, I must say you really look a lot like I imagined. The robe. The long white beard. The wise, stern countenance. It’s all there.
 
 
'''GOD:''' This physical presence you are now visualizing is no more than a projection of your image of Me. You better be making Me look good!
 
 
'''UnNews:''' Uh, oh yes, trust me; you’re looking hot, God. [[George Clooney]]’s got nothing on you. Look out ladies!
 
'''([[UnNews:The God Interview|more]]...)'''
 

Latest revision as of 10:59, April 16, 2014


edit Police

  • Article feature date: 31 March 2014
  • Feature code: {{FA|date=31 March 2014|revision=5787525}} (Only add this after this page has saved)
  • Remove this section now.

edit 31 March 2014

Policework01

The term Police is an umbrella term to refer to the bodies responsible for the maintenance of public order, the enforcement of law and the use of the most paper in a specific locality. The police have, since the start of the twenty-first century have been pushed into numerous other responsibilities and in the eyes of the general public often combine the roles of social worker, clerical assistant and fascist into one easy-to-digest package.

In developed nations the sight of the police inspires a different response, dependent upon prejudice and past experience. This response can range from inviting the police into your home for a chat about the weather and your invariably right-wing views, to subtly signalling your distaste for the establishment by shouting abuse as the police drive past. In less developed countries the near universal response to the police approaching is usually to hide under your bed and pray that you will not be dragged into the street and beaten like a rug.

Due to the nature of police work a whole host of nicknames for the police service have sprung up and are in common usage throughout the world. These nicknames range from the popular "Pigs", "5-0" and "Feds" to the slightly less common "Iron Jockstrap", "Jam Sandwich" and "Zebra". (more...)

edit UnTunes:I Kissed a Girl (And I Threw Up)

  • Article feature date: 3 April 2014
  • Feature code: {{FA|date=3 April 2014|revision=5788321}} (Only add this after this page has saved)
  • Remove this section now.

edit 03 April 2014

Kissedagirl-chrisykelly

The binge drinking culture claims yet another victim: Non-lesbian, gay-man, Chrisy Kelly. Here he drunkenly sings about it on karaoke night in his local bar The Upturned Stool.

This was never the way I planned
not my intention.
I got so dumb, drink in hand
lost my direction.
It's not what I’m used to
Just couldn’t see you girl.
I’m sorry for myself
lost my attention.

I kissed a girl
And I threw-up.
The taste of her chocolate moustache
I kissed a girl
Didn’t mean it!
I hope my boyfriend don't know her.
(more...)

edit Auguste Escoffier

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Auguste-escoffier-sized

Georges Auguste Escoffier (28 October 1846 – 12 February 1935) was a famous chef, writer, inventor and compulsive liar from Piffle, Cumbria, UK, then later Paris, France. A version of his name - "Scoff" - entered the English language through word of mouth and then exited via a big dump in the toilet a few hours later.

According to Escoffier himself, the circumstances of how he came to be are truly extraordinary. His origins aren't officially documented but in his autobiography Escoffier informs us of his birth: "To whom I was born to, I do not know. But I tell you as I was told by Dankmar, great lord of the mountain, that I was 'happened' into existence and hidden under a rock in the hills of Cumbria until I was ready. From there, after crawling up the side of a wet mountain face, I was plucked, by command, from the mountain by a giant eagle and taken to Paris at the speed of sound."

By the age of seventeen, Escoffier had already invented food and with it the means to cook it. It was clear to all who knew the young Escoffier that his destiny was in the kitchen, and armed with his new invention he begun experimenting with a variety of unusual ingredients such as crayfish and lungwort. Within six months, backed with the financial help of his close friend Jean Luc Boregard; Escoffier managed to create a short-list of all-purpose sauces which would make him a living legend in the culinary world, sealing his fame and legacy forever. In his famous cookbook Le Guide Culinaire he describes how he invented the Five Mother Sauces; Le Cheese Sauce, Le Beef Sauce, Le Fish Sauce, Der Tomato Sauce and ‘Le Fifth One’ and notes how they can be utilised to create any dish. (more...)

edit The Art of War

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MouthWar

The Art of War professionally referred to as The Art of Dentistry, is a book written 2000 years ago by a Chinese Dentist, Sun Tzu. Sun Tzu who was one of the first people in history to associate sharp instruments with healing teeth and so discovered the first basic rule of Dentistry. It is also the general name given to the practice of Dentistry in its purest form, such as to promote research and development of technology in the dentistry area. Since then the Art of War has continued to develop, leading Carl von Clausewitz to write his book On Dentistry (translated in to many other languages as On War), in the mid nineteenth century to update the dentistry reference books after the invention of the steel wire toothbrush, which of course required different handling technique to the copper wire toothbrush from before.

The Art of War is now practised and recognised, in modern times, all over the World, such as in the Middle East where it is proliferated enthusiastically. It specialises in rendering people unable to eat and then charging lots of cash for false teeth replacements. The Royal Society of Dentistry itself enforces the practice across Britain and helps develop the skills required for dentistry at an early age in the playground through the bullies of the school. (more...)

edit Making up Oscar Wilde quotes

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Chaiselongue

Hello! My name is Lord Waltherington Spatula. You might have heard of me from either the news coverage of the tragic tram accident that lost me my arms, or the crown court trial where I was declared mentally incompetent after crashing a tram.

I see you're interested in Making up Oscar Wilde Quotes. I was like you once, so very long ago. If you wish to learn as I did then there is only one way. Step forward, my lovely assistant, Oscar.

I have the simplest tastes. I am always satisfied with the best

He's such a card. Yes that's right, it turns out rumours of Oscar's death were greatly overstated as he's here, with me, in this booth, behind these curtains where you couldn't possibly see him. So, Oscar, why don't you tell everyone what they will need to get started?

Be warned in time, James, and remain, as I do, incomprehensible: to be great is to be misunderstood (more...)

edit Accountant

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edit 15 April 2014

Ties

An accountant is a professional who sits in an office all day doing a few sums. Most college students aspire to be accountants, as playing on a computer is cool, though it would be cooler if they paid you to use World of Warcraft instead of Excel. College students with physical gifts do not aspire to be accountants, and may wind up hiring a couple. If being boring were an Olympic sport, accountants would always take home the gold.

Webster tells us that an accountant "understands the cost of everything and the value of nothing." It is not clear why we should give such credence to Webster, apart from the fact that he has eight accountants working for him: Webster has to go stronger to the hoop and learn to box out his man. At any rate, it is not true that accountants understand the value of nothing. For example, they intimately understand the value of having the total at the bottom of the left-hand column equal the total at the bottom of the right-hand column, just as line employees at McDonald's understand the value of putting the hamburger in the Styrofoam box before handing it to the customer. To mix metaphors, it is their bread and butter. (more...)

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