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== [[Colloquialism]] ==
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* Article feature date: 2 August 2015
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== [[Jim Jarmusch]] ==
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=== 02 August 2015 ===
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* Article feature date: 8 July 2009
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'''[[Colloquialism|Colloquialisms]]''' are, you know, a bunch of mumbo-jumbo [[words]] your everyday Johnny-come-lately uses when chewing the rag, and not [[cool]] for, like, formal speech or whatever. The crincum-crancum of the common tongue is mainly used during [[Sitting Bull|pow-wows]] or [[bull]] sessions when hanging out. The word colloquial originally was about the way we talk, where the prose marches to a different [[drummer]] than writing things down and all that sort of stuff. Throwing a curved [[ball]] however, the colloquial register is about free and easy language rather than, you know, the medium. The [[Dictionary]] shows colloquialisms with the abbreviation '''colloq.''' for [[geeks]] and bookworms.
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=== 08 July 2009 ===
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By and large, colloquial language is standalone from run-of-the-mill formal speech or [[writing]]. The mixed bag of [[Jabba the Hutt|jibba-jabba]] tends to bubble to the surface, once the speaker has chilled out enough to pull his/her head out of her/his [[ass]]. Babblative chit-chat may contain a bucket load of slanguage, but for all intents and purposes, is not tied to hackneyed terms at all. Other examples of colloquial language use [[word]] mash and foul language, more often than not. A colloquial name is also the nickname punters use to peg a thing or person in the place of the real [[name]]. An inflated tractor tyre pulled behind a speedboat at a holiday resort and indeed the geezer driving it, could be refered to as a [[Donut|doughnut]], or as Doughnut by both the [[tourists]] and the locals.
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'''[[Jim Jarmusch]]''' is not a filmmaker. He is an [[artist]] who happens to make films. If you have ever seen a Jarmusch film—and the chances are that you have not because normal theaters can't bear the weight of his brilliance and his films are rarely ever seen except by privileged smart people—and you did not consider it the pinnacle of cinematic artistic genius, then you are a [[moron]].
 
   
You are not worthy.
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Colloquialisms are a bigger ball of wax than just pidgin speak used by [[kids]], grunts, fish-heads or [[donkey]]-wallopers. In the main, colloquial language shakes and bakes words and terms that are commonly known and easily understood by speakers of the language worldwide: "See all, ear all, say nowt. [[Eat]] all, sup all, pay nowt. An' if th'ivver does owt for nowt, allus do it for thissen." for example. Slang is a posse of phat raps home-boys use to flex they's sickness, to be down with the rat packs. Slang can sound like a load of epizootics of the blowhole to your average Mondeo-Man, as — despite slang terms being a dime a dozen — they not part of standard [[English]], dig?
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'''([[Colloquialism|more]]...)'''
   
''' Early life '''
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== [[First-past-the-post voting]] ==
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* Article feature date: 7 August 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>7 August 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|First Past the Post Voting}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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Jarmusch was born in black and white silence, from very early on uncannily resembling [[Nick Cave]] with grey hair. His father made wry jokes in which timing and ensuing silence contributed more to the humor than the punch line.
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=== 07 August 2015 ===
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'''[[First-past-the-post voting]]''' is an election in which the winner is the candidate who receives more votes than any others.
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The outrageous notion that the highest vote-getter should be the winner has given us elected office-holders such as [[Adolf Hitler]] and [[Jimmy Carter]]; also the [[Oscars|Oscar&reg;]] for ''The English Patient'' and the [[Nobel Peace Prize]] of [[Barack Obama]].These results explain the international academic frenzy (a veritable [[Pole dancing|poll dance]]) to devise voting systems in which someone less popular will be the winner.
   
As a child, he was stuck permanently in a corner of his parents house reading [[Jack Kerouac|Kerouac]]. When he was a little older, he became dreadfully disillusioned, and set out on the road, usually with two other characters, making his way to some destination or other for no considerable reason.'''([[Jim Jarmusch|more]]...)'''
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First-past-the-post (abbreviated '''FPTP''' or '''FPP'''), is a '''plurality''' voting system. Like most successful schemes, it is applied to many cases it does not fit, such as trying to fill a number of seats at the same time. [[Al Capone]] first defined the winner of an election as "the guy what gets the most votes." However, this simple statement is now problematic given the many candidates what do not get the most votes, the large number of campaign [[lawyer]]s they employ, and the gullibility of the people to charges of [[unfair]]ness and [[racism]].
   
== [[UnTweets:George Peterson]] ==
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In 2000, non-winner [[Al Gore]] sued, demanding a recount in five [[Florida]] counties of his choosing. His mantra was, "Count Every Vote." The drive to get everyone into the voting booth became a drive to get everyone on the ballot, as both requirements were relaxed. But "the guy what gets the most votes" still won, now with only 10% of the vote. The majority hated all its politicians and demanded new solutions. Elections, like [[health care]], yielded to the American tenet that anything that works will work better with 6,000 pages of regulations.'''([[First-past-the-post voting|more]]...)'''
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* Article feature date: 9 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>9 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnTweets:George Peterson}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=UnTweets:George Peterson|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 09 July 2009 ===
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== [[Noble gases]] ==
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* Article feature date: 14 August 2015
'''Name:''' George W. Peterson<br>
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>14 August 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Noble gases}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
'''Location:''' Chilly Parts of Scotland<br>
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'''Bio:''' Newspaper editor ("The Kinrossie Times"), happily married to not only Sarah, but also to gardening.
 
   
'''Following''' 294<br>
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=== 14 August 2015 ===
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'''[[Noble gases|The noble gases]]''' are chemical elements that, as of 1969, are listed in group 18 of the periodic table. Under their original natural condition, they were all odorless, colorless, and unreactive, and thus safe for children. In layman's terms, they were all boring. However, they were developed through experimentation to make them usable in interesting and unnatural ways. This is why the noble gases are now restricted to [[Adult|group 18]] of the periodic table.
   
'''Followers''' 1007
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The six noble gases that occur naturally are helium (helion) (He), neon (Ne), argon (Ar), krypton (Kr), xenon (Xe), and radon (Rn). The one that occurs unnaturally cannot be listed here due to Uncyclopedia's current [http://community.wikia.com/wiki/Wikia_Community_Guidelines Prudery Policy]. The six natural noble gases are all named after noble beings or the possessions or [[People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals|animal]] [[Animal fucking|companions]] of noble beings in [[Greek]], [[Roman]] or [[Japanese]] mythology. Contrary to common thought, these six gases all have uses appropriate for children. Except neon.
   
'''Saturday May 3rd'''
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The first and lightest noble gas on the periodic table is used to fill balloons for two primary reasons. First, helium is lighter than air, meaning the gas will raise the balloon; and second, unlike the hydrogen that leaked from the floating airship ''Hindenburg'', it doesn't explode over New Jersey.
   
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Went for my fifth "Cabbage Check-Up" a few minutes ago. Sarah thinks I'm mad, but I don't want to miss anything, now do I?|13:35pm May 3rd|web}}
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Helion (later named helium) was named after the Greek sun god [[Sun|Helios]] (Greek Ἥλιος). It would have been named after the Roman sun god Sol Invictus, but nobody wanted an element named Sol Invictuson. '''([[Noble gases|more]]...)'''
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Have got to start preparing for new arrival!|14:21pm May 3rd|web}}
 
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Sarah has just brought home the new cat, and she's settling in. She's eight weeks old, ginger, and incredibly excitable. I think she has [[OCD]]. Any ideas for names?|16:09pm May 3rd|web}}
 
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Sarah has put today's newspaper in the litter tray. Now how am I supposed to find out the news?|16:23pm May 3rd|web}}
 
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Just remembered I have the Internet! Who needs newspapers anyway!?|16:25pm May 3rd|web}}'''([[UnTweets:George Peterson|more]]...)'''
 
   
== [[Mrs. God's blog]] ==
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== [[Warranty]] ==
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* Article feature date: 21 August 2015
* Article feature date: 10 July 2009
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>21 August 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Warranty}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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=== 10 July 2009 ===
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=== 21 August 2015 ===
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Mrs God’s blog is republished from Facebook with permission of the author.
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'''[[Warranty|IMPORTANT PIECE OF PAPER!]]''' DO NOT BLINDLY THROW AWAY BEFORE READING. Thank you for purchasing a free copy of [[Navelism|Uncyclopedia]] to read in your web browser, courtesy of Uncyclopedia Inc.! We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed making it. To guarantee your complete satisfaction with our product, we have included a '''1-year limited warranty''', which covers your copy starting at the moment you loaded it in your tab. [[Torture|Read below for the full terms and conditions]] prior to using this product.
   
'''May 20th, 2009'''
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For the purposes of clarifying further sections in this document, our [[lawyers]] have [[nuisance|conveniently]] decided to define the following terms. They could have been happy English majors employed to work on a reputable [[Undictionary:Main Page|dictionary]], but they instead had to fall back on a law career and can now only enjoy offering [[acronym|shorthand]] to making reading [[legalese]] a bit easier for lesser humans. Please take the time to read this section if you want any hope of understanding the rest, assuming you can remember all of this.
   
Hiiiii!
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* "Agreement" - This agreement. Hope that clears up any confusion before we proceed further.
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* "Limited Warranty Period" - The time span during which this Agreement is effective.
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* "You" - Take a wild guess. If you have [[Dissociative Identity Disorder|multiple personality disorder]], this Agreement applies equally to you, you, you, and you.
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* "Product" - The Uncyclopedia website, and all the hilarious articles it contains.
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* "Reseller" - Your [[ISP]], whether it be [[Comcast]] or your neighbor's unsecured [[WiFi]] router.
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* "The Company" - Uncyclopedia Inc. and everyone who contributes to it.
   
Just a few words from me, Mrs God. I know you haven’t heard from me much over the years, but now that my hubby’s away…
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'''([[Warranty|more]]...)'''
   
First of all, let me reassure everyone – “[[God]] is not dead”. We heard a lot of that in the 60s. It wasn’t true then and it’s not true now. Phew!
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== [[Box-spring]] ==
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* Article feature date: 28 August 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>28 August 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Box-spring}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1441065600 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>1 September 2015</u>}}
   
It '''''IS''''' true that He picked up a bit of a [[coke]] habit – and I can tell you, God moved in some peculiar ways back then. But we’ve finally persuaded Him to face His issues and booked Him into [[Rehab]] – He said “No, no, no” for thirty years and when God says “No” it’s very hard to change His mind but He's finally checked into the Priory and we're hoping He can work through some of His issues and make a full recovery. '''([[Mrs. God's blog|more]]...)'''
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=== 28 August 2015 ===
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'''[[Box-spring|A box-spring]]''' (or '''divan''' in the [[UK]], where they don't use such common vulgarities as ''box'') is a type of [[bed]] base. These are generally designed to give the general approximation of comfort while in the store testing the bed, but are designed to cause discomfort from the moment of installation within a [[home]].
   
== [[Wild Bill Hickok]] ==
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The construction of these nominally entitled beds typically consist of a wooden frame, covered in dust mite friendly cloth, and containing what are referred to as bedsprings. These bedsprings are tested against several criterion, known colloquially as the "''four c's''". These are: '''([[Box-spring|more]]...)'''
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*Clarity
* Article feature date: 11 July 2009
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*Carat
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>11 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Wild Bill Hickok}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Wild Bill Hickok|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
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*Color (or '''colour''' in the UK, where extraneous vowels are the preferred norm).
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*Cut
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*Certificate
   
=== 11 July 2009 ===
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Most wire coils contain some inner flaws (or '''inclusions''' in the UK), that occur in the manufacturing process. Highly skilled manufacturers work on adding these in an extremely calculated manner. The purpose of these is to allow the bed to have an initial softness or "''comfort''" factor, but due to these inclusions the springs will quickly weaken, deform, snap, or generally just become completely screwed up. Hairline fractures hat occur laterally along the direction of the spring are highly sought (or "''saught''" in the UK), along with air bubbles in the spring itself.'''([[Box-spring|more]]...)'''
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'''James Butler Hickok''' (May 27, 1837 - August 2, 1876), better known as '''[[Wild Bill Hickok]]''', was a figure of renown in the American Old West. He is remembered for his skills as a gunfighter, sharpshooter, marksman, and his excellent aim with a firearm. Hickok's exploits gained him such great fame that he earned the moniker of "Bill" despite that nickname having virtually no connection to his actual name. This nickname also inspired similar nicknames for other men named William.<ref>Though research has shown that the sizes of all of these subsequent men's genitals pale in comparison to Hickok's.</ref> Hickok's horse was called ''Black Nell'', and he owned two Colt 1851 Navy Revolvers, along with a rarely-used Colt 1855 Air Force Bazooka.
 
   
Hickok came to the West in the little-known Boron Rush of 1849. To help finance his Boron-seeking operation, he became a part-time stagecoach driver. He spent most of his time in the territories of [[Nebraska]] and [[Kansas]], progressing from stagecoach driver to stagecoach driver/lawman, and finally to lawman. He served in the [[Union]] army during the [[Battle of Gettysburg|American Civil War]], giving his allegiance to [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] and his modest beard over [[Robert E. Lee|Jefferson Davis]]' pretty-boy hairstyle.<ref>Hair meant ''a lot'' to those living in the 1800s.</ref> He gained publicity after the war as a scout, marksman, skilled juggler, and professional gambler. Hickok was involved in countless Wild West shootouts, often shooting people off of roofs and using [[cactus|cactusses]] for cover, among other Wild West stereotypes. He was ultimately killed while playing poker in a [[North Dakota|Dakota Territory]] saloon. '''([[Wild Bill Hickok|more]]...)'''
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== [[HowTo:Fix a computer]] ==
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* Article feature date: 5 September 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>5 September 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|HowTo:Fix a computer}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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== [[Fan service]] ==
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=== 05 September 2015 ===
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* Article feature date: 12 July 2009
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'''[[HowTo:Fix a computer|Computers are marvelously complicated]]''' machines, and it is a wonder that they work at all. Unfortunately, because of this, your computer will likely stop working right one day. Maybe you're getting error messages. Maybe it runs slowly. Maybe it won't turn on. Maybe there's a raging fire billowing out from the side of its case. Essentially, it's not working like it's supposed to, and this is a problem.
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>12 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Fan service}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Fan service|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 12 July 2009 ===
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But why spend big money taking it to a repair shop to be fixed by some barely-competent technician when you could just do it yourself?
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Fixing a computer may seem intimidating because of the amount of lights, whistles, and technological doodads you may find crammed into your typical computer. Using one is hard enough, let alone knowing how to fix it. Never fear though: you were smart enough to know how to get to [[Uncyclopedia]], so fixing your Uncyclopedia display unit shouldn't be that much harder! Working up the motivation and confidence is the hardest part; it gets much easier from here on out, I promise.
A '''fan''' is a useful device for keeping oneself cool in hot weather. However, whether your fan is electric or one of the more traditional "folded pieces of paper," it will occasionally require service. Fortunately, there are service stations in most major cities.
 
   
Prior to [[World War 2]], fans were serviced primarily by overweight men with ill-fitting pants. However, when these men were drafted, the industry was taken over primarily by young women. Due to the suspicious number of fan serviceman deaths at the Battle of Iwo Jima, the industry has remained [[sexy|dominated]] by females to this day.
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There's a first time for everything, just like [[HowTo:Staple toast to a wall|stapling toast to a wall]]. This will be a valuable learning experience for you. You're still probably distressed by your computer's misbehavior; take a minute to slowly inhale and exhale, or maybe go outside for a walk. Clear your mind to achieve the state of zen all great computer repair people use to pull off their magic.
   
Fan servicewomen pride themselves on their competence, professionalism, and complete inability to find clothes that cover more than 40% of their skin.
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Once you're sufficiently calmed down, brew up a big pot of strong [[coffee]] and chug it. You'll need the [[caffeine]] for the energy needed to make this work. And remember: ''you'' will be able to fix your computer! '''([[HowTo:Fix a computer|more]]...)'''
 
Although fan service is a rewarding job, it also comes with certain challenges. In order to draw attention to the plight of these women, this article will focus largely on those challenges. '''([[Fan service|more]]...)'''
 
 
== [[UnNews:The God Interview]] ==
 
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* Article feature date: 13 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>13 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnNews:The God Interview}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=UnNews:The God Interview|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 13 July 2009 ===
 
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''Worshipped by some, denied by others, UnNews brings you this exclusive interview with the one and only '''God'''. Where did we come from? Where did we go? Whatever happened to Cotton Eye Joe? What makes the Almighty Creator tick? We hope to find out these things and more in this unprecedented UnNews event.''
 
 
 
'''UnNews:''' What can I say, God, if I may call you so, it’s a pleasure to have you with us today. This is a real step up from last week’s guest, a morbidly obese kid that almost scored an on-air on [[American Idol]].
 
 
'''GOD:''' Well, I’m glad to be here. And “God” is fine. Tack on “Almighty Omnipotent” if you wish.
 
 
'''UnNews:''' Well, Almighty Omnipotent God, I must say you really look a lot like I imagined. The robe. The long white beard. The wise, stern countenance. It’s all there.
 
 
'''GOD:''' This physical presence you are now visualizing is no more than a projection of your image of Me. You better be making Me look good!
 
 
'''UnNews:''' Uh, oh yes, trust me; you’re looking hot, God. [[George Clooney]]’s got nothing on you. Look out ladies!
 
'''([[UnNews:The God Interview|more]]...)'''
 

Latest revision as of 17:44, September 4, 2015


edit Colloquialism

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edit 02 August 2015

Village Idiot

Colloquialisms are, you know, a bunch of mumbo-jumbo words your everyday Johnny-come-lately uses when chewing the rag, and not cool for, like, formal speech or whatever. The crincum-crancum of the common tongue is mainly used during pow-wows or bull sessions when hanging out. The word colloquial originally was about the way we talk, where the prose marches to a different drummer than writing things down and all that sort of stuff. Throwing a curved ball however, the colloquial register is about free and easy language rather than, you know, the medium. The Dictionary shows colloquialisms with the abbreviation colloq. for geeks and bookworms.

By and large, colloquial language is standalone from run-of-the-mill formal speech or writing. The mixed bag of jibba-jabba tends to bubble to the surface, once the speaker has chilled out enough to pull his/her head out of her/his ass. Babblative chit-chat may contain a bucket load of slanguage, but for all intents and purposes, is not tied to hackneyed terms at all. Other examples of colloquial language use word mash and foul language, more often than not. A colloquial name is also the nickname punters use to peg a thing or person in the place of the real name. An inflated tractor tyre pulled behind a speedboat at a holiday resort and indeed the geezer driving it, could be refered to as a doughnut, or as Doughnut by both the tourists and the locals.

Colloquialisms are a bigger ball of wax than just pidgin speak used by kids, grunts, fish-heads or donkey-wallopers. In the main, colloquial language shakes and bakes words and terms that are commonly known and easily understood by speakers of the language worldwide: "See all, ear all, say nowt. Eat all, sup all, pay nowt. An' if th'ivver does owt for nowt, allus do it for thissen." for example. Slang is a posse of phat raps home-boys use to flex they's sickness, to be down with the rat packs. Slang can sound like a load of epizootics of the blowhole to your average Mondeo-Man, as — despite slang terms being a dime a dozen — they not part of standard English, dig? (more...)

edit First-past-the-post voting

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edit 07 August 2015

Bunny-dancing-1

First-past-the-post voting is an election in which the winner is the candidate who receives more votes than any others. The outrageous notion that the highest vote-getter should be the winner has given us elected office-holders such as Adolf Hitler and Jimmy Carter; also the Oscar® for The English Patient and the Nobel Peace Prize of Barack Obama.These results explain the international academic frenzy (a veritable poll dance) to devise voting systems in which someone less popular will be the winner.

First-past-the-post (abbreviated FPTP or FPP), is a plurality voting system. Like most successful schemes, it is applied to many cases it does not fit, such as trying to fill a number of seats at the same time. Al Capone first defined the winner of an election as "the guy what gets the most votes." However, this simple statement is now problematic given the many candidates what do not get the most votes, the large number of campaign lawyers they employ, and the gullibility of the people to charges of unfairness and racism.

In 2000, non-winner Al Gore sued, demanding a recount in five Florida counties of his choosing. His mantra was, "Count Every Vote." The drive to get everyone into the voting booth became a drive to get everyone on the ballot, as both requirements were relaxed. But "the guy what gets the most votes" still won, now with only 10% of the vote. The majority hated all its politicians and demanded new solutions. Elections, like health care, yielded to the American tenet that anything that works will work better with 6,000 pages of regulations.(more...)

edit Noble gases

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edit 14 August 2015

150 dannydeckchair

The noble gases are chemical elements that, as of 1969, are listed in group 18 of the periodic table. Under their original natural condition, they were all odorless, colorless, and unreactive, and thus safe for children. In layman's terms, they were all boring. However, they were developed through experimentation to make them usable in interesting and unnatural ways. This is why the noble gases are now restricted to group 18 of the periodic table.

The six noble gases that occur naturally are helium (helion) (He), neon (Ne), argon (Ar), krypton (Kr), xenon (Xe), and radon (Rn). The one that occurs unnaturally cannot be listed here due to Uncyclopedia's current Prudery Policy. The six natural noble gases are all named after noble beings or the possessions or animal companions of noble beings in Greek, Roman or Japanese mythology. Contrary to common thought, these six gases all have uses appropriate for children. Except neon.

The first and lightest noble gas on the periodic table is used to fill balloons for two primary reasons. First, helium is lighter than air, meaning the gas will raise the balloon; and second, unlike the hydrogen that leaked from the floating airship Hindenburg, it doesn't explode over New Jersey.

Helion (later named helium) was named after the Greek sun god Helios (Greek Ἥλιος). It would have been named after the Roman sun god Sol Invictus, but nobody wanted an element named Sol Invictuson. (more...)

edit Warranty

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edit 21 August 2015

ReadingDoc

IMPORTANT PIECE OF PAPER! DO NOT BLINDLY THROW AWAY BEFORE READING. Thank you for purchasing a free copy of Uncyclopedia to read in your web browser, courtesy of Uncyclopedia Inc.! We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed making it. To guarantee your complete satisfaction with our product, we have included a 1-year limited warranty, which covers your copy starting at the moment you loaded it in your tab. Read below for the full terms and conditions prior to using this product.

For the purposes of clarifying further sections in this document, our lawyers have conveniently decided to define the following terms. They could have been happy English majors employed to work on a reputable dictionary, but they instead had to fall back on a law career and can now only enjoy offering shorthand to making reading legalese a bit easier for lesser humans. Please take the time to read this section if you want any hope of understanding the rest, assuming you can remember all of this.

  • "Agreement" - This agreement. Hope that clears up any confusion before we proceed further.
  • "Limited Warranty Period" - The time span during which this Agreement is effective.
  • "You" - Take a wild guess. If you have multiple personality disorder, this Agreement applies equally to you, you, you, and you.
  • "Product" - The Uncyclopedia website, and all the hilarious articles it contains.
  • "Reseller" - Your ISP, whether it be Comcast or your neighbor's unsecured WiFi router.
  • "The Company" - Uncyclopedia Inc. and everyone who contributes to it.

(more...)

edit Box-spring

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edit 28 August 2015

Lost in bed

A box-spring (or divan in the UK, where they don't use such common vulgarities as box) is a type of bed base. These are generally designed to give the general approximation of comfort while in the store testing the bed, but are designed to cause discomfort from the moment of installation within a home.

The construction of these nominally entitled beds typically consist of a wooden frame, covered in dust mite friendly cloth, and containing what are referred to as bedsprings. These bedsprings are tested against several criterion, known colloquially as the "four c's". These are: (more...)

  • Clarity
  • Carat
  • Color (or colour in the UK, where extraneous vowels are the preferred norm).
  • Cut
  • Certificate

Most wire coils contain some inner flaws (or inclusions in the UK), that occur in the manufacturing process. Highly skilled manufacturers work on adding these in an extremely calculated manner. The purpose of these is to allow the bed to have an initial softness or "comfort" factor, but due to these inclusions the springs will quickly weaken, deform, snap, or generally just become completely screwed up. Hairline fractures hat occur laterally along the direction of the spring are highly sought (or "saught" in the UK), along with air bubbles in the spring itself.(more...)

edit HowTo:Fix a computer

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edit 05 September 2015

Smashed-computer

Computers are marvelously complicated machines, and it is a wonder that they work at all. Unfortunately, because of this, your computer will likely stop working right one day. Maybe you're getting error messages. Maybe it runs slowly. Maybe it won't turn on. Maybe there's a raging fire billowing out from the side of its case. Essentially, it's not working like it's supposed to, and this is a problem.

But why spend big money taking it to a repair shop to be fixed by some barely-competent technician when you could just do it yourself? Fixing a computer may seem intimidating because of the amount of lights, whistles, and technological doodads you may find crammed into your typical computer. Using one is hard enough, let alone knowing how to fix it. Never fear though: you were smart enough to know how to get to Uncyclopedia, so fixing your Uncyclopedia display unit shouldn't be that much harder! Working up the motivation and confidence is the hardest part; it gets much easier from here on out, I promise.

There's a first time for everything, just like stapling toast to a wall. This will be a valuable learning experience for you. You're still probably distressed by your computer's misbehavior; take a minute to slowly inhale and exhale, or maybe go outside for a walk. Clear your mind to achieve the state of zen all great computer repair people use to pull off their magic.

Once you're sufficiently calmed down, brew up a big pot of strong coffee and chug it. You'll need the caffeine for the energy needed to make this work. And remember: you will be able to fix your computer! (more...)

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