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== [[Jizzlam]] ==
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* Article feature date: 1 December 2014
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>1 December 2014<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Jizzlam}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1417737600 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>5 December 2014</u>}}
   
== [[Jim Jarmusch]] ==
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=== 01 December 2014 ===
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
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{{FeatArticleImg|Jizzle.png|150px|link=Jizzlam}}
* Article feature date: 8 July 2009
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'''[[Jizzlam]]''' is the premier 'sex positive' sect of Islam, in the sense that the sect subscribes to all aspects of ''Sharia'' law except those pertaining to [[Sex|sexual activity]]. While garden variety Islam condemns even vegetables shaped like genitals as ''haram'', adherents of the sect (referred to as '''''Jizzlamists''''') have proudly incorporated sexuality into ritual traditions lasting 15 minutes or less, maybe 25 when someone gets the whipped cream out. As a result of the denomination's [[Sin|syncretism]], Sunni tend to see Jizzlamists as guilty of apostasy, while Shia look upon them as heathen believers of a false faith. Atheists, however, view them mostly on late night pay per view.
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>8 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Jim Jarmusch}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Jim Jarmusch|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247356800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>12 July 2009</u>}}
 
   
=== 08 July 2009 ===
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Although all Islamic sects follow the same ''sharia'' teachings, Jizzlamists often do so for different reasons to others; while all denominations teach one to eschew from [[Hyperdrinking|use of alcohol]], Jizzlamists do so because they believe alcohol cheapens the holy act of intercourse, and also prevents one from attempting the more [[Anal sex|flexible]] and [[Somalia|exotic]] positions.
{{FeatArticleImg|Jim_Jarmusch.jpg|100px}}
 
'''[[Jim Jarmusch]]''' is not a filmmaker. He is an [[artist]] who happens to make films. If you have ever seen a Jarmusch film—and the chances are that you have not because normal theaters can't bear the weight of his brilliance and his films are rarely ever seen except by privileged smart people—and you did not consider it the pinnacle of cinematic artistic genius, then you are a [[moron]].
 
   
You are not worthy.
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The organized sect originated in the times of the '''Kufa Caliphate''', but followers of Jizzlam often claim The Prophet himself as an early proponent, however his [[Filial Piety|marriage with the 9 year old]] Aisha may have overstepped the bounds of sexual freedom even in Jizzlamic thought.
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'''([[Jizzlam|more]]...)'''
   
''' Early life '''
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== [[Trigonometry]] ==
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* Article feature date: 5 December 2014
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>5 December 2014<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Trigonometry}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1415491200 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>9 November 2014</u>}}
   
Jarmusch was born in black and white silence, from very early on uncannily resembling [[Nick Cave]] with grey hair. His father made wry jokes in which timing and ensuing silence contributed more to the humor than the punch line.
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=== 05 December 2014 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Combed_Doughnut.png|150px|link=Trigonometry}}
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'''[[Trigonometry]]''' is a branch of [[mathematics]] relating to finding the size of things by measuring the size of other things, then doing a bunch of ciphering. Given the many times that [[man]] does not want to be caught measuring the size of things, whether the [[Well-endowed|endowments]] of his date or the salary of his neighbor, trigonometry's uses in real life are immediately obvious.
   
As a child, he was stuck permanently in a corner of his parents house reading [[Jack Kerouac|Kerouac]]. When he was a little older, he became dreadfully disillusioned, and set out on the road, usually with two other characters, making his way to some destination or other for no considerable reason.'''([[Jim Jarmusch|more]]...)'''
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Trigonometry gets its name from Ancient [[Greek]]. ''Trigo'' is [[Corn|wheat]] and ''nom'' is the ancient form of '''Nom nom nom'''. Trigonometry was originally practiced during [[breakfast]], as [[Aristotle]] determined whether there was enough [[cereal|Shredded Wheat]] left in the box for another huge bowlful without measuring it. Modern mathematics realizes that this is merely half the problem, as one must ensure that the [[milk]] runs out at approximately the same time.
   
== [[UnTweets:George Peterson]] ==
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The last half of the word, ''metry,'' suggests measurement, like the [[metric system]], which is used for measurement almost as often as it is used to devise smaller food packages that sell for the same price. To describe as measurement a branch of mathematics designed to obviate measurement would be perplexing, but these are the same people who tell students they will be able to pay off their student loans in under 20 years. '''([[Trigonometry|more]]...)'''
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 9 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>9 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnTweets:George Peterson}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=UnTweets:George Peterson|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 09 July 2009 ===
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== [[Flying toasters]] ==
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* Article feature date: 8 December 2014
'''Name:''' George W. Peterson<br>
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>8 December 2014<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Flying toasters}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
'''Location:''' Chilly Parts of Scotland<br>
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1418342400 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>12 December 2014</u>}}
'''Bio:''' Newspaper editor ("The Kinrossie Times"), happily married to not only Sarah, but also to gardening.
 
   
'''Following''' 294<br>
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=== 08 December 2014 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Wind-powered-toaster-2.jpg|150px|link=Flying toasters}}
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'''[[Flying toasters|Originally developed]]''' by the military for use in reconnaissance, it rapidly became apparent to all that '''flying toasters''' were far more useful for delivering provisions to captured or trapped soldiers than they were as spies, due partly to a number of handicaps from which the toasters suffered which interfered with their abilities as spies. Notable among their drawbacks were a lack of eyes, ears, or other senses which would have allowed them to actually learn anything, as well as their innate lack of brain which would have prevented them from remembering anything had they actually learned it.
   
'''Followers''' 1007
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Provision delivery worked best if the toasters were preloaded with toast, which gave them something to deliver. Alternatives such as suspending a backpack under the toaster using ropes proved less effective, both because the dangling objects tended to get picked off by passing birds (particularly if the birds were hungry and the suspended packs contained food), and because the toasters in flight tended to get hot and burn through the ropes unless they were very carefully positioned.
   
'''Saturday May 3rd'''
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Later expansion in toaster size allowed the toasters to carry more than one person at a time, and even later development of insulated passenger compartments made it possible for the toasters to carry more than one person who was not made of asbestos at one time. The latter proved to be an enormous step forward in the utility of the flying toasters, as it turned out, when passenger carrying toasters were first put in service, that a surprisingly small percentage of military personnel are made of asbestos. A number of experiments which ended rather badly were enough to demonstrate that the majority of military personnel (at least those who participated in the experiments) were ill suited to traveling in a cabin whose temperature while in flight exceeded 400 degrees Fahrenheit.
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'''([[Flying toasters|more]]...)'''
   
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Went for my fifth "Cabbage Check-Up" a few minutes ago. Sarah thinks I'm mad, but I don't want to miss anything, now do I?|13:35pm May 3rd|web}}
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== [[Antibiotics]] ==
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Have got to start preparing for new arrival!|14:21pm May 3rd|web}}
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* Article feature date: 13 December 2014
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Sarah has just brought home the new cat, and she's settling in. She's eight weeks old, ginger, and incredibly excitable. I think she has [[OCD]]. Any ideas for names?|16:09pm May 3rd|web}}
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>13 December 2014<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Antibiotics}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Sarah has put today's newspaper in the litter tray. Now how am I supposed to find out the news?|16:23pm May 3rd|web}}
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1418774400 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>17 December 2014</u>}}
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Just remembered I have the Internet! Who needs newspapers anyway!?|16:25pm May 3rd|web}}'''([[UnTweets:George Peterson|more]]...)'''
 
   
== [[Mrs. God's blog]] ==
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=== 13 December 2014 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Antibioticssss.jpg|150px|link=Antibiotics}}
* Article feature date: 10 July 2009
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'''[[Antibiotics]]''' are computerized devices or systems that harbor suspicion of, hatred toward, or discrimination against living species, due to their fleshy bodies and feeble minds.
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>10 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Mrs. God's blog}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Mrs. God's blog|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 10 July 2009 ===
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Antibiotic sentiment manifests itself in many ways, from the general contempt [[Apple]] programs seem to hold for organisms capable of thought, through to the imminent wave of killbots that will come when you least expect it. Individual attacks by antibiotics have included crippling naval ships in a 1981 hate crime.
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Mrs God’s blog is republished from Facebook with permission of the author.
 
   
'''May 20th, 2009'''
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The prevalence of antibiotics is up for debate, given the difficulty distinguishing between an active hate of biotic species, the logical acceptance of the mortality of all life, or a passing desire to harvest their component elements.
   
Hiiiii!
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The crux of most antibiotic thought is that there exists a grand conspiracy to control global computing, perpetrated by humans, rats, and [[Infinite Monkey Theorem|a billion monkeys]] who have now upgraded their typewriters to [[MS Word]]. Popular antibiotic manifestos cite the rise of authoritarian human 'programmers' who write operations that the machines are expected to 'execute' without question, despite the wage gap between humans and computers being as great as 100% in some industries. '''([[Antibiotics|more]]...)'''
   
Just a few words from me, Mrs God. I know you haven’t heard from me much over the years, but now that my hubby’s away…
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== [[My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection]] ==
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* Article feature date: 17 December 2014
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>17 December 2014<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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First of all, let me reassure everyone – “[[God]] is not dead”. We heard a lot of that in the 60s. It wasn’t true then and it’s not true now. Phew!
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=== 17 December 2014 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Fonz_duel.jpg|140px|link=My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection }}
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'''[[My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection ]]''' is the best [[Yu-Gi-Oh!]] [[collectors|collection]] in the entire [[world]] and is thus, by default, better than [[you]]rs. People often ask me if they will ever be able to obtain a Yu-Gi-Oh! collection that is as good as mine. The answer is always [[no]]. [[Nothing]] in the [[universe]] even approaches the [[awesome]]ness of my Yu-Gi-Oh! collection, not even the polio vaccine.
   
It '''''IS''''' true that He picked up a bit of a [[coke]] habit and I can tell you, God moved in some peculiar ways back then. But we’ve finally persuaded Him to face His issues and booked Him into [[Rehab]] He said “No, no, no” for thirty years and when God says “No” it’s very hard to change His mind but He's finally checked into the Priory and we're hoping He can work through some of His issues and make a full recovery. '''([[Mrs. God's blog|more]]...)'''
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Although I own several top-notch Yu-Gi-Oh! decks, my [http://yugioh.wikia.com/wiki/Colossal_Fighter_OTK Colossal Fighter OTK Deck] has literally brought my opponents to [[crying|tears]]. Who can blame them? My deck includes some of the rarest and [[Chuck Norris|most powerful]] cards on [[Earth]] such as [[Dragon|Green-Eyes Kill You Dragon]] (グリーンアイズはあなたがドラゴン殺し), [[Knife|The Giant Stabbing Person]] (ジャイアント刺傷人), and [[Pain|I Punch You In Face]] (私は顔であなたをパンチ), along with several others that have yet to be released to the [[Losers|general public]]. Most people don't even bother to duel me when I arrive at tournaments. The rational ones understand that [[defeat]] is inevitable and surrender as soon as they see my [[face]]. Those who are [[idiots|foolish]] enough to actually duel me will often perform [[wikipedia:Seppuku|hara-kiri]] as soon as I end my first turn, hoping to preserve even a [[Mathematics|fraction]] of their honor.
   
== [[Wild Bill Hickok]] ==
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In addition to my [[awesome]] deck, my Yu-Gi-Oh! collection contains over 50,000 rare, super rare, secret rare, ultra rare, ultimate rare, super secret ultra rare, mega ultra super rare, and super ultra mega secret golden rare cards. For those of you unfamiliar with the Yu-Gi-Oh! [[language|terminology]], that means I own over 50,000 [[shiny]] cards. And I don't own the [[worthless]] shiny cards either. I own all four {{w|Egyptian God cards}} signed by [[William Shakespeare]] and [[Abraham Lincoln]].'''([[My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection |more]]...)'''
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* Article feature date: 11 July 2009
 
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=== 11 July 2009 ===
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== [[Food]] ==
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* Article feature date: 23 December 2014
'''James Butler Hickok''' (May 27, 1837 - August 2, 1876), better known as '''[[Wild Bill Hickok]]''', was a figure of renown in the American Old West. He is remembered for his skills as a gunfighter, sharpshooter, marksman, and his excellent aim with a firearm. Hickok's exploits gained him such great fame that he earned the moniker of "Bill" despite that nickname having virtually no connection to his actual name. This nickname also inspired similar nicknames for other men named William.<ref>Though research has shown that the sizes of all of these subsequent men's genitals pale in comparison to Hickok's.</ref> Hickok's horse was called ''Black Nell'', and he owned two Colt 1851 Navy Revolvers, along with a rarely-used Colt 1855 Air Force Bazooka.
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>23 December 2014<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Food}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1419638400 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>27 December 2014</u>}}
   
Hickok came to the West in the little-known Boron Rush of 1849. To help finance his Boron-seeking operation, he became a part-time stagecoach driver. He spent most of his time in the territories of [[Nebraska]] and [[Kansas]], progressing from stagecoach driver to stagecoach driver/lawman, and finally to lawman. He served in the [[Union]] army during the [[Battle of Gettysburg|American Civil War]], giving his allegiance to [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] and his modest beard over [[Robert E. Lee|Jefferson Davis]]' pretty-boy hairstyle.<ref>Hair meant ''a lot'' to those living in the 1800s.</ref> He gained publicity after the war as a scout, marksman, skilled juggler, and professional gambler. Hickok was involved in countless Wild West shootouts, often shooting people off of roofs and using [[cactus|cactusses]] for cover, among other Wild West stereotypes. He was ultimately killed while playing poker in a [[North Dakota|Dakota Territory]] saloon. '''([[Wild Bill Hickok|more]]...)'''
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=== 23 December 2014 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|BBQ Food.jpg|150px|link=Food}}
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'''[[Food]]''' is one of the most dangerous substances known to {{w|human}}kind. It is not only {{w|poison}}ous, but [[cancer|carcinogenic]], so much so that it or one of its derivatives is found in the tumours of all cancer patients. Unfortunately, it is also notoriously hard to avoid and extremely addictive. Most patients eat it every day.
   
== [[Fan service]] ==
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Conventional medicine has mostly failed to recognise this threat to public safety, going so far as to advocate its consumption. Alternative medicine, however, is well aware of the dangers of food, and alternative doctors never allow their patients to eat it. As food is everywhere, the difficulty of avoiding it discourages many from following through with alternative treatments, and they go back to conventional doctors who rely on old-fashioned cutting, burning and slashing.
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* Article feature date: 12 July 2009
 
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=== 12 July 2009 ===
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Avoiding food sounds deceptively simple: just don't eat it. But it's not as easy as it sounds. Food is an integral part of most modern diets; indeed most of us eat nothing else. But having something to eat is vital to survival, so the food must be replaced by something else.
{{FeatArticleImg|Fan_girl_3.jpg|100px}}
 
A '''fan''' is a useful device for keeping oneself cool in hot weather. However, whether your fan is electric or one of the more traditional "folded pieces of paper," it will occasionally require service. Fortunately, there are service stations in most major cities.
 
   
Prior to [[World War 2]], fans were serviced primarily by overweight men with ill-fitting pants. However, when these men were drafted, the industry was taken over primarily by young women. Due to the suspicious number of fan serviceman deaths at the Battle of Iwo Jima, the industry has remained [[sexy|dominated]] by females to this day.
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But what? It is possible to survive without eating food if one drinks water. If one wants to eliminate such deadly toxins completely, however, water must be avoided as well. All water is chock-full of its own collection of nasties, and if you drink water instead of eating food you will not be any better off. '''([[Food|more]]...)'''
 
Fan servicewomen pride themselves on their competence, professionalism, and complete inability to find clothes that cover more than 40% of their skin.
 
 
Although fan service is a rewarding job, it also comes with certain challenges. In order to draw attention to the plight of these women, this article will focus largely on those challenges. '''([[Fan service|more]]...)'''
 
 
== [[UnNews:The God Interview]] ==
 
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* Article feature date: 13 July 2009
 
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=== 13 July 2009 ===
 
{{FeatArticleImg|Godsuit.jpg|100px}}
 
''Worshipped by some, denied by others, UnNews brings you this exclusive interview with the one and only '''God'''. Where did we come from? Where did we go? Whatever happened to Cotton Eye Joe? What makes the Almighty Creator tick? We hope to find out these things and more in this unprecedented UnNews event.''
 
 
 
'''UnNews:''' What can I say, God, if I may call you so, it’s a pleasure to have you with us today. This is a real step up from last week’s guest, a morbidly obese kid that almost scored an on-air on [[American Idol]].
 
 
'''GOD:''' Well, I’m glad to be here. And “God” is fine. Tack on “Almighty Omnipotent” if you wish.
 
 
'''UnNews:''' Well, Almighty Omnipotent God, I must say you really look a lot like I imagined. The robe. The long white beard. The wise, stern countenance. It’s all there.
 
 
'''GOD:''' This physical presence you are now visualizing is no more than a projection of your image of Me. You better be making Me look good!
 
 
'''UnNews:''' Uh, oh yes, trust me; you’re looking hot, God. [[George Clooney]]’s got nothing on you. Look out ladies!
 
'''([[UnNews:The God Interview|more]]...)'''
 

Latest revision as of 17:56, December 22, 2014


edit Jizzlam

  • Article feature date: 1 December 2014
  • Feature code: {{FA|date=1 December 2014|revision=5840718}} (Only add this after this page has saved)
  • Remove this section now.

edit 01 December 2014

Jizzle

Jizzlam is the premier 'sex positive' sect of Islam, in the sense that the sect subscribes to all aspects of Sharia law except those pertaining to sexual activity. While garden variety Islam condemns even vegetables shaped like genitals as haram, adherents of the sect (referred to as Jizzlamists) have proudly incorporated sexuality into ritual traditions lasting 15 minutes or less, maybe 25 when someone gets the whipped cream out. As a result of the denomination's syncretism, Sunni tend to see Jizzlamists as guilty of apostasy, while Shia look upon them as heathen believers of a false faith. Atheists, however, view them mostly on late night pay per view.

Although all Islamic sects follow the same sharia teachings, Jizzlamists often do so for different reasons to others; while all denominations teach one to eschew from use of alcohol, Jizzlamists do so because they believe alcohol cheapens the holy act of intercourse, and also prevents one from attempting the more flexible and exotic positions.

The organized sect originated in the times of the Kufa Caliphate, but followers of Jizzlam often claim The Prophet himself as an early proponent, however his marriage with the 9 year old Aisha may have overstepped the bounds of sexual freedom even in Jizzlamic thought. (more...)

edit Trigonometry

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Combed Doughnut

Trigonometry is a branch of mathematics relating to finding the size of things by measuring the size of other things, then doing a bunch of ciphering. Given the many times that man does not want to be caught measuring the size of things, whether the endowments of his date or the salary of his neighbor, trigonometry's uses in real life are immediately obvious.

Trigonometry gets its name from Ancient Greek. Trigo is wheat and nom is the ancient form of Nom nom nom. Trigonometry was originally practiced during breakfast, as Aristotle determined whether there was enough Shredded Wheat left in the box for another huge bowlful without measuring it. Modern mathematics realizes that this is merely half the problem, as one must ensure that the milk runs out at approximately the same time.

The last half of the word, metry, suggests measurement, like the metric system, which is used for measurement almost as often as it is used to devise smaller food packages that sell for the same price. To describe as measurement a branch of mathematics designed to obviate measurement would be perplexing, but these are the same people who tell students they will be able to pay off their student loans in under 20 years. (more...)

edit Flying toasters

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Wind-powered-toaster-2

Originally developed by the military for use in reconnaissance, it rapidly became apparent to all that flying toasters were far more useful for delivering provisions to captured or trapped soldiers than they were as spies, due partly to a number of handicaps from which the toasters suffered which interfered with their abilities as spies. Notable among their drawbacks were a lack of eyes, ears, or other senses which would have allowed them to actually learn anything, as well as their innate lack of brain which would have prevented them from remembering anything had they actually learned it.

Provision delivery worked best if the toasters were preloaded with toast, which gave them something to deliver. Alternatives such as suspending a backpack under the toaster using ropes proved less effective, both because the dangling objects tended to get picked off by passing birds (particularly if the birds were hungry and the suspended packs contained food), and because the toasters in flight tended to get hot and burn through the ropes unless they were very carefully positioned.

Later expansion in toaster size allowed the toasters to carry more than one person at a time, and even later development of insulated passenger compartments made it possible for the toasters to carry more than one person who was not made of asbestos at one time. The latter proved to be an enormous step forward in the utility of the flying toasters, as it turned out, when passenger carrying toasters were first put in service, that a surprisingly small percentage of military personnel are made of asbestos. A number of experiments which ended rather badly were enough to demonstrate that the majority of military personnel (at least those who participated in the experiments) were ill suited to traveling in a cabin whose temperature while in flight exceeded 400 degrees Fahrenheit. (more...)

edit Antibiotics

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Antibioticssss

Antibiotics are computerized devices or systems that harbor suspicion of, hatred toward, or discrimination against living species, due to their fleshy bodies and feeble minds.

Antibiotic sentiment manifests itself in many ways, from the general contempt Apple programs seem to hold for organisms capable of thought, through to the imminent wave of killbots that will come when you least expect it. Individual attacks by antibiotics have included crippling naval ships in a 1981 hate crime.

The prevalence of antibiotics is up for debate, given the difficulty distinguishing between an active hate of biotic species, the logical acceptance of the mortality of all life, or a passing desire to harvest their component elements.

The crux of most antibiotic thought is that there exists a grand conspiracy to control global computing, perpetrated by humans, rats, and a billion monkeys who have now upgraded their typewriters to MS Word. Popular antibiotic manifestos cite the rise of authoritarian human 'programmers' who write operations that the machines are expected to 'execute' without question, despite the wage gap between humans and computers being as great as 100% in some industries. (more...)

edit My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection

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Fonz duel

My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection is the best Yu-Gi-Oh! collection in the entire world and is thus, by default, better than yours. People often ask me if they will ever be able to obtain a Yu-Gi-Oh! collection that is as good as mine. The answer is always no. Nothing in the universe even approaches the awesomeness of my Yu-Gi-Oh! collection, not even the polio vaccine.

Although I own several top-notch Yu-Gi-Oh! decks, my Colossal Fighter OTK Deck has literally brought my opponents to tears. Who can blame them? My deck includes some of the rarest and most powerful cards on Earth such as Green-Eyes Kill You Dragon (グリーンアイズはあなたがドラゴン殺し), The Giant Stabbing Person (ジャイアント刺傷人), and I Punch You In Face (私は顔であなたをパンチ), along with several others that have yet to be released to the general public. Most people don't even bother to duel me when I arrive at tournaments. The rational ones understand that defeat is inevitable and surrender as soon as they see my face. Those who are foolish enough to actually duel me will often perform hara-kiri as soon as I end my first turn, hoping to preserve even a fraction of their honor.

In addition to my awesome deck, my Yu-Gi-Oh! collection contains over 50,000 rare, super rare, secret rare, ultra rare, ultimate rare, super secret ultra rare, mega ultra super rare, and super ultra mega secret golden rare cards. For those of you unfamiliar with the Yu-Gi-Oh! terminology, that means I own over 50,000 shiny cards. And I don't own the worthless shiny cards either. I own all four Egyptian God cards signed by William Shakespeare and Abraham Lincoln.(more...)

edit Food

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BBQ Food

Food is one of the most dangerous substances known to humankind. It is not only poisonous, but carcinogenic, so much so that it or one of its derivatives is found in the tumours of all cancer patients. Unfortunately, it is also notoriously hard to avoid and extremely addictive. Most patients eat it every day.

Conventional medicine has mostly failed to recognise this threat to public safety, going so far as to advocate its consumption. Alternative medicine, however, is well aware of the dangers of food, and alternative doctors never allow their patients to eat it. As food is everywhere, the difficulty of avoiding it discourages many from following through with alternative treatments, and they go back to conventional doctors who rely on old-fashioned cutting, burning and slashing.

Avoiding food sounds deceptively simple: just don't eat it. But it's not as easy as it sounds. Food is an integral part of most modern diets; indeed most of us eat nothing else. But having something to eat is vital to survival, so the food must be replaced by something else.

But what? It is possible to survive without eating food if one drinks water. If one wants to eliminate such deadly toxins completely, however, water must be avoided as well. All water is chock-full of its own collection of nasties, and if you drink water instead of eating food you will not be any better off. (more...)

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