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== [[Constitution of the United States (actual text)]] ==
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* Article feature date: 27 January 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>27 January 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Constitution of the United States (actual text)}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1422662400 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>31 January 2015</u>}}
   
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=== 27 January 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Sigs.jpg|160px|link=Constitution of the United States (actual text)}}
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'''[[Constitution of the United States (actual text)|We the People of the United States]]''', in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
   
== [[Jim Jarmusch]] ==
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Section I. Any male constituent who has attained the Age of Twenty-One years shall vote for a nobleman of his choosing to represent him in the executive legislature. He shall freely cast his choice on a ballot in a designated [[election|voting]] bureau and deposit the ballot in a box. After all the constituents accomplished their duty of Citizenry, the box contents shall be dumped in the nearest river and the predetermined winner be announced to the People.
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 8 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>8 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Jim Jarmusch}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Jim Jarmusch|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 08 July 2009 ===
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Section II. Any elected representative in the Land of the Free shall receive 10 slaves Free of charge, only shipping and handling to pay and shall be refunded if not satisfied before 30 days.'''([[Constitution of the United States (actual text)|more]]...)'''
{{FeatArticleImg|Jim_Jarmusch.jpg|100px}}
 
'''[[Jim Jarmusch]]''' is not a filmmaker. He is an [[artist]] who happens to make films. If you have ever seen a Jarmusch film—and the chances are that you have not because normal theaters can't bear the weight of his brilliance and his films are rarely ever seen except by privileged smart people—and you did not consider it the pinnacle of cinematic artistic genius, then you are a [[moron]].
 
   
You are not worthy.
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== [[New Hampshire]] ==
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* Article feature date: 2 February 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>2 February 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|New Hampshire}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1423180800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>6 February 2015</u>}}
   
''' Early life '''
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=== 02 February 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Downed_tree.jpg|140px|link=New Hampshire}}
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'''[[New Hampshire]]''' is a state of the [[United States]], much like Vermont only right-side up, and with 85% fewer [[hippies]]. If it weren't for the state's three public colleges, New Hampshire would be classified as a Confederate state, due to its high White Trash population and its tendency to rebel at the threat of losing the first primary.
   
Jarmusch was born in black and white silence, from very early on uncannily resembling [[Nick Cave]] with grey hair. His father made wry jokes in which timing and ensuing silence contributed more to the humor than the punch line.
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This leafy [[suburb]] of [[Boston]] is sometimes called New [[Hamster]] or [[Cow]] Hampshire to reflect the state's dominant populations. ("[[Jew]] Hampshire" has also been heard, though natives are hardly orthodox but merely cheap, often contriving an impromptu yard-sale before the weekly garbage truck arrives.) Its capital is Concord, a name that deceptively suggests harmonious agreement, but whose real fame is the fact that the offices of Village Fool and Town Drunk are the only ones with more candidates than seats.
   
As a child, he was stuck permanently in a corner of his parents house reading [[Jack Kerouac|Kerouac]]. When he was a little older, he became dreadfully disillusioned, and set out on the road, usually with two other characters, making his way to some destination or other for no considerable reason.'''([[Jim Jarmusch|more]]...)'''
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When asked to name all 50 states, 84% of schoolchildren fail to name New Hampshire. This figure drops to 62% when testing schoolchildren within New Hampshire. '''([[New Hampshire|more]]...)'''
   
== [[UnTweets:George Peterson]] ==
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== [[UnBooks:The Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests]] ==
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
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* Article feature date: 7 February 2015
* Article feature date: 9 July 2009
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>7 February 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnBooks:The Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>9 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnTweets:George Peterson}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=UnTweets:George Peterson|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold"> FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1423612800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>11 February 2015</u>}}
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247443200 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>13 July 2009</u>}}
 
   
=== 09 July 2009 ===
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=== 07 February 2015 ===
{{FeatArticleImg|Twitter logo header.png|100px}}
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{{FeatArticleImg|Helga.jpg|150px|link=UnBooks:The Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests
'''Name:''' George W. Peterson<br>
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'''Location:''' Chilly Parts of Scotland<br>
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'''[[UnBooks:The Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests|Door Buzzing]]''' (Buzzer suspiciously sounds like an [[Orc]]'s battle cry).
'''Bio:''' Newspaper editor ("The Kinrossie Times"), happily married to not only Sarah, but also to gardening.
 
   
'''Following''' 294<br>
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A cheerful voice yells back: ''Just a minute please!''
   
'''Followers''' 1007
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Heavy bolts are being retracted as the creaking wooden door noisily swings outwards.
   
'''Saturday May 3rd'''
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A small man, smartly dressed, wearing a [[bowtie|bow tie]] and a brown tweed jacket is revealed, wearing a most inviting smile.
   
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Went for my fifth "Cabbage Check-Up" a few minutes ago. Sarah thinks I'm mad, but I don't want to miss anything, now do I?|13:35pm May 3rd|web}}
 
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Have got to start preparing for new arrival!|14:21pm May 3rd|web}}
 
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Sarah has just brought home the new cat, and she's settling in. She's eight weeks old, ginger, and incredibly excitable. I think she has [[OCD]]. Any ideas for names?|16:09pm May 3rd|web}}
 
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Sarah has put today's newspaper in the litter tray. Now how am I supposed to find out the news?|16:23pm May 3rd|web}}
 
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Just remembered I have the Internet! Who needs newspapers anyway!?|16:25pm May 3rd|web}}'''([[UnTweets:George Peterson|more]]...)'''
 
   
== [[Mrs. God's blog]] ==
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"Good morning, sir" he says with an eloquent [[British]] accent. "And welcome to the ''Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests''. How can we serve you today?"
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 10 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>10 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Mrs. God's blog}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Mrs. God's blog|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 10 July 2009 ===
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"Erm...my physician send me over. He's a bit concerned about a possible heart condition I might have and asked me to come over and have it checked....emmm...How long have you been around?"
{{FeatArticleImg|shiva.jpg|100px}}
 
Mrs God’s blog is republished from Facebook with permission of the author.
 
   
'''May 20th, 2009'''
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The little guy's smile broadens significantly as he ushers me cheerfully inside "Yes, Yes, of course. We all need a little stress test every now and then to remove any potential problems or obstructions in the arteries...yes of course. Do come in. Please."
   
Hiiiii!
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Walking around in the gloomy corridor, I can't help remembering some of the less enjoyable scenes I saw in [[Hostel]]. Some obscure rust colored stains that seem to be scrubbed in a haste can be seen on the ancient looking archways the lead to what would seem candle lit examination rooms. ([[UnBooks:The Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests|more]]...)
   
Just a few words from me, Mrs God. I know you haven’t heard from me much over the years, but now that my hubby’s away…
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== [[Rembrandt]] ==
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* Article feature date: 12 February 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>12 February 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Rembrandt}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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First of all, let me reassure everyone – “[[God]] is not dead”. We heard a lot of that in the 60s. It wasn’t true then and it’s not true now. Phew!
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=== 12 February 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Rembrandt_self_portrait_drawing.jpg|150px|link=Rembrandt }}
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'''[[Rembrandt|Harmenarciszus van Rijn ]]''' was a [[Dutch]] [[painter]] and etcher. He had the most beautiful [[eye]]s in [[Europe]], as well as an absolutely fabulous [[fashion]] sense. He had a brilliantly meticulous [[hand]] that could put on edge every bristle of his brush, though by using the right restraint a brush in that beautiful, fine-haired right hand would typically be pent-up for hours until finally exploding all over the canvas with bright [[egg]] tempera. He is best-known for his immense portfolio of self-portraits, each one exhibiting hundreds of unique and admirable aspects of his exquisite [[face]], as well as his ravishing brown [[clothes|overalls]] and distinctively sexy posture, though regretably, he had [[Vincent van Gogh|one ear too many]] and so was undermined in fame posthumously. Stars ranging from [[Fonzie]] to [[Elton John]] to [[Enya]] to everyone in [[Paris]] have cited him as an instrumental inspiration, though ultimately Rembrandt is inimitable.
   
It '''''IS''''' true that He picked up a bit of a [[coke]] habit and I can tell you, God moved in some peculiar ways back then. But we’ve finally persuaded Him to face His issues and booked Him into [[Rehab]] He said “No, no, no” for thirty years and when God says “No” it’s very hard to change His mind but He's finally checked into the Priory and we're hoping He can work through some of His issues and make a full recovery. '''([[Mrs. God's blog|more]]...)'''
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Throughout his lifetime, Rembrandt painted self-portraits. Altogether he painted more than 70, presumably to bestow all the trendiest galleries with at least one. Each is unique and exhibits a new and always profound sensibility with regards to every wrinkle in his skin, twizzle in his hair, flax fibre of his clothes, fecal matter on his walls, perspiration on his upper-lip, and every lamplight reflection off his... [[innuendo|and I'm finished]]. The example on the right depicts a Rembrandt in his 30s, but through it we can see eternities of human experience, which arguably is typical of Dutchmen considering their laws on [[prostitution]]. This painting also exhibits a very fine black beret, a well-knitted [[scarves|snood]], ''militaìre-chic'' silver [[armour|gorget]], and of course fantastic chin stubble, all encapsulated with a ''chiaroscuro'' touch, which, for those of you who don't know, means you [[retard|aren't the right sort of person to read this page]]. As this analysis manifests, he always very much kept ''en vogue'', yet lightyears ahead his time. Rembrandt is highly regarded by historians today for painting what he saw in the mirror honestly, a fact that they evidently know from experience, going to prove he was a sexy beast no frontin'.
   
== [[Wild Bill Hickok]] ==
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While as a young man Rembrandt possessed extraordinary beauty, he aged into an even more beautiful old man, all of his features maturing like a [[butterfly]] breaking free from its cocoon. '''([[Rembrandt |more]]...)'''
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* Article feature date: 11 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>11 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Wild Bill Hickok}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Wild Bill Hickok|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 11 July 2009 ===
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== [[Plectrum]] ==
{{FeatArticleImg|Wildbill.jpg|100px}}
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* Article feature date: 18 February 2015
'''James Butler Hickok''' (May 27, 1837 - August 2, 1876), better known as '''[[Wild Bill Hickok]]''', was a figure of renown in the American Old West. He is remembered for his skills as a gunfighter, sharpshooter, marksman, and his excellent aim with a firearm. Hickok's exploits gained him such great fame that he earned the moniker of "Bill" despite that nickname having virtually no connection to his actual name. This nickname also inspired similar nicknames for other men named William.<ref>Though research has shown that the sizes of all of these subsequent men's genitals pale in comparison to Hickok's.</ref> Hickok's horse was called ''Black Nell'', and he owned two Colt 1851 Navy Revolvers, along with a rarely-used Colt 1855 Air Force Bazooka.
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>18 February 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Plectrum}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1424584322 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>22 February 2015</u>}}
   
Hickok came to the West in the little-known Boron Rush of 1849. To help finance his Boron-seeking operation, he became a part-time stagecoach driver. He spent most of his time in the territories of [[Nebraska]] and [[Kansas]], progressing from stagecoach driver to stagecoach driver/lawman, and finally to lawman. He served in the [[Union]] army during the [[Battle of Gettysburg|American Civil War]], giving his allegiance to [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] and his modest beard over [[Robert E. Lee|Jefferson Davis]]' pretty-boy hairstyle.<ref>Hair meant ''a lot'' to those living in the 1800s.</ref> He gained publicity after the war as a scout, marksman, skilled juggler, and professional gambler. Hickok was involved in countless Wild West shootouts, often shooting people off of roofs and using [[cactus|cactusses]] for cover, among other Wild West stereotypes. He was ultimately killed while playing poker in a [[North Dakota|Dakota Territory]] saloon. '''([[Wild Bill Hickok|more]]...)'''
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=== 18 February 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Plectrum.jpg|150px|link=Plectrum}}
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Long before the [[Internet]], long before [[AIDS]], a computer company that we shall not name ordered divisions from the [[United States]] and [[Great Britain]] to work together. The [[Brits]] used to bring their guitars to parties, but would not take them out and play until something called a '''[[plectrum]]''' was found. No, hell if I know. That's when we knew we didn't trust them.
   
== [[Fan service]] ==
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It was so obvious. We'd been developing a programming language. Our English division had been developing an application package that was ideal to be written in it. We were wasting time with memos and phone calls to fit these two pieces together. So let's just move one department to the other's building, 2200 miles away, uh, 3500 kilometres. A few plane flights, personnel lines up some apartments--yes, ''flats,'' that's what I mean--and it's a piece of cake. And after this project, we'll have a multinational force uniquely able to solve other problems. More able, in fact, than management is to define them.
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 12 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>12 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Fan service}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Fan service|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 12 July 2009 ===
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Now, who's the home team and who's the visitors? That part only took management six months. '''([[Plectrum|more]]...)'''
{{FeatArticleImg|Fan_girl_3.jpg|100px}}
 
A '''fan''' is a useful device for keeping oneself cool in hot weather. However, whether your fan is electric or one of the more traditional "folded pieces of paper," it will occasionally require service. Fortunately, there are service stations in most major cities.
 
   
Prior to [[World War 2]], fans were serviced primarily by overweight men with ill-fitting pants. However, when these men were drafted, the industry was taken over primarily by young women. Due to the suspicious number of fan serviceman deaths at the Battle of Iwo Jima, the industry has remained [[sexy|dominated]] by females to this day.
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== [[Supply-side Jesus]] ==
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* Article feature date: 23 February 2015
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Fan servicewomen pride themselves on their competence, professionalism, and complete inability to find clothes that cover more than 40% of their skin.
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=== 23 February 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Jesus-salesman.jpg|200px|link=Supply-side Jesus}}
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'''[[Supply-side Jesus|Supply-Side Jesus]]''' is little-known outside of [[Republican Party|Republican]] circles, but his life has been chronicled recently by the biblical prophet [[Al Franken]]. It turns out that Supply-Side Jesus was a contemporary of that other Jesus, the [[Jesus of Nazareth]]. While this article is not about [[Jesus]] of Nazareth, but about the real, true, one and only Christ, the Supply-Side Jesus, we should allow Jesus of Nazareth at least a small footnote in this article. [[Jesus of Nazareth]] was, to those of you who don't know all these obscure Biblical references, and we'll just get this one out of the way: According to Edward S. Herman (an early scribe), Jesus of Nazareth was an early rabble-rouser of Communistic tendency, and the victim of an early witchhunt. It could even be asserted that he would be one of the first witches to ever be hunted. Jesus of Nazareth is often confused with [[Elvis|Elvis Presley]]. While "Jesus's countenance was like lightning and his clothing white as snow" (Matt 28:3), Elvis had been seen on stage wearing snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. And the two were never seen in the same place at the same time, which makes the similarity even more creepy.
   
Although fan service is a rewarding job, it also comes with certain challenges. In order to draw attention to the plight of these women, this article will focus largely on those challenges. '''([[Fan service|more]]...)'''
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Both Jesii have had some connection to wood and nails. Supply-Side Jesus ran a hardware store that sold dry goods to local contractors and home renovators. Jesus of Nazareth was at that time not widely-known and frequented the establishment due to their unbeatably low prices and courteous service, while oblivious to the fact that much of the tools and dry goods he was buying were made in [[Byzantine Empire|Byzantine]] sweatshops using child labour; and that those who worked under Supply-Side Jesus signed an agreement not to ever join a union. Supply-Side Jesus established himself as the kind of salesman who was able to sell sand to Bedouins. Indeed, once he succeeded, a typical Bedouin he might have sold it to would curse himself the next day for his stupidity. Said bedouin could not return his sand for a refund, since he would never be able to prove that the sand he purcahsed was any different from the sand in the surrounding desert. What was he thinking?
   
== [[UnNews:The God Interview]] ==
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Supply-Side Jesus also sold clay and limestone to build houses that were not much different from the clay and limestone which littered the landscape in those days. Jesus of Nazareth would also buy twigs and branches to make the walls and thatched roofs of the houses in his contractual territory, which covered a sprawling Jerusalem suburb known as Bethlehem. '''([[Supply-side Jesus|more]]...)'''
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* Article feature date: 13 July 2009
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>13 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnNews:The God Interview}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=UnNews:The God Interview|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 13 July 2009 ===
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== [[Renewable energy]] ==
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* Article feature date: 28 February 2015
''Worshipped by some, denied by others, UnNews brings you this exclusive interview with the one and only '''God'''. Where did we come from? Where did we go? Whatever happened to Cotton Eye Joe? What makes the Almighty Creator tick? We hope to find out these things and more in this unprecedented UnNews event.''
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>28 February 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Renewable energy}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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=== 28 February 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Photoshopped_burning_wind_turbine.jpg|140px|link=Renewable energy}}
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'''[[Renewable energy]]''' is another approximation made by [[physicists]] to simplify a [[problem]] that is too difficult to solve. In the same way that a [[cow]] might be treated as a [[point]] mass from a [[million]] miles away, researchers are more than delighted to assume that the [[sun]] will last forever as an [[energy]] source, in order to further spoil the world into increasing its rate of energy [[eat|consumption]] and dwarfing the copious amounts of energy wasted in luxuries such as the [[Large Hadron Collider]].
   
'''UnNews:''' What can I say, God, if I may call you so, it’s a pleasure to have you with us today. This is a real step up from last week’s guest, a morbidly obese kid that almost scored an on-air on [[American Idol]].
+
Inasmuch as scientists have been ungrateful toward their [[God|Creator]], they have now turned to the blasphemous worship of nature, in particular, the [[Ra|sun]] and mother earth. Instead of finding ways to reduce [[human]] energy consumption, society is encouraged to continue in wastefulness in the hope that one day [[Savior|someone]] will have found out how to harness energy from the sun, [[wind]], [[water]] or [[earth]], allowing us to carry on chopping down [[tree]]s and negating the efforts of the so-called "earth hour" in a millisecond's worth of high energy particle physics research.
   
'''GOD:''' Well, I’m glad to be here. And “God” is fine. Tack on “Almighty Omnipotent” if you wish.
+
Other [[necromancer|groups]] envisage defecation and [[corpse]]s as a power source for vehicles. However, by the time this becomes viable, the [[digestive system]] will have evolved to be so efficient that no caloric energy would remain in any organic waste. A method cheaper and much more [[sustainability|sustainable]] than government-funded research is to suspend all [[technology]] for 50 million years or so and watch much of the world's population naturally convert itself into fossil fuel, whilst hoping that [[Armageddon]] does not occur during this period; this alternative is not very popular among academics, as it will leave most of them [[unemployment|unemployed]]. '''([[Renewable energy|more]]...)'''
   
'''UnNews:''' Well, Almighty Omnipotent God, I must say you really look a lot like I imagined. The robe. The long white beard. The wise, stern countenance. It’s all there.
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== [[African American]] ==
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* Article feature date: 4 March 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>4 March 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|African American}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1425772800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>8 March 2015</u>}}
   
'''GOD:''' This physical presence you are now visualizing is no more than a projection of your image of Me. You better be making Me look good!
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=== 04 March 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Afro_american.gif|150px|link=African American
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}}
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'''[[African American|African-American]]''' is the [[racial]], [[Politics|political]], [[Sociology|social]] and [[Culture|cultural]] group that includes all [[Americans]] with naturally [[black people|dark skin]], and specifically those with [[Africa]]n ancestry, even though most of them weren't born in Africa and have never been to Africa themselves. Many can't find it on a map.
   
'''UnNews:''' Uh, oh yes, trust me; you’re looking hot, God. [[George Clooney]]’s got nothing on you. Look out ladies!
+
Americans who are not African-American are presumed [[white people|white]] even if they ''were'' born in Africa. But [[white people]] can be African-American too, based on lineage. (For example, [[the old man down the street]] was born to missionaries in [[Botswana]] and can therefore be considered African-American despite being as pale as a pig. In fact, that's what he tells the [[census]], just to screw it up.)
'''([[UnNews:The God Interview|more]]...)'''
+
  +
According to Columbia Law School professor Robert Hamburger, the best answer to the question, "Who is African-American?" is self-identification on the [[census]]. That is, an African-American is anyone who says he is (and, except for the example above, whites aren't exactly queueing up). Hamburger writes that, although most who use the label point to physical appearance, there is little consistency. Different regions, economic classes, and locales can assign the same individual to opposite "races."
  +
  +
Professor [[Geraldo Rivera]] defines an African-American as, "A person with African ancestral origins, who self-identifies, or is identified, as Black, African or Afro-Caribbean." Supreme Court Justice [[Potter Stewart]] was notoriously unable to define it, but said, "I know it when I see it." Radio authority [[Don Imus]] defines an African-American as "anyone who is nappy-headed." '''([[African American|more]]...)'''

Latest revision as of 01:30, March 4, 2015


edit Constitution of the United States (actual text)

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edit 27 January 2015

Sigs

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Section I. Any male constituent who has attained the Age of Twenty-One years shall vote for a nobleman of his choosing to represent him in the executive legislature. He shall freely cast his choice on a ballot in a designated voting bureau and deposit the ballot in a box. After all the constituents accomplished their duty of Citizenry, the box contents shall be dumped in the nearest river and the predetermined winner be announced to the People.

Section II. Any elected representative in the Land of the Free shall receive 10 slaves Free of charge, only shipping and handling to pay and shall be refunded if not satisfied before 30 days.(more...)

edit New Hampshire

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edit 02 February 2015

Downed tree

New Hampshire is a state of the United States, much like Vermont only right-side up, and with 85% fewer hippies. If it weren't for the state's three public colleges, New Hampshire would be classified as a Confederate state, due to its high White Trash population and its tendency to rebel at the threat of losing the first primary.

This leafy suburb of Boston is sometimes called New Hamster or Cow Hampshire to reflect the state's dominant populations. ("Jew Hampshire" has also been heard, though natives are hardly orthodox but merely cheap, often contriving an impromptu yard-sale before the weekly garbage truck arrives.) Its capital is Concord, a name that deceptively suggests harmonious agreement, but whose real fame is the fact that the offices of Village Fool and Town Drunk are the only ones with more candidates than seats.

When asked to name all 50 states, 84% of schoolchildren fail to name New Hampshire. This figure drops to 62% when testing schoolchildren within New Hampshire. (more...)

edit UnBooks:The Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests

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edit 07 February 2015

Helga

Door Buzzing (Buzzer suspiciously sounds like an Orc's battle cry).

A cheerful voice yells back: Just a minute please!

Heavy bolts are being retracted as the creaking wooden door noisily swings outwards.

A small man, smartly dressed, wearing a bow tie and a brown tweed jacket is revealed, wearing a most inviting smile.


"Good morning, sir" he says with an eloquent British accent. "And welcome to the Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests. How can we serve you today?"

"Erm...my physician send me over. He's a bit concerned about a possible heart condition I might have and asked me to come over and have it checked....emmm...How long have you been around?"

The little guy's smile broadens significantly as he ushers me cheerfully inside "Yes, Yes, of course. We all need a little stress test every now and then to remove any potential problems or obstructions in the arteries...yes of course. Do come in. Please."

Walking around in the gloomy corridor, I can't help remembering some of the less enjoyable scenes I saw in Hostel. Some obscure rust colored stains that seem to be scrubbed in a haste can be seen on the ancient looking archways the lead to what would seem candle lit examination rooms. (more...)

edit Rembrandt

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edit 12 February 2015

Rembrandt self portrait drawing

Harmenarciszus van Rijn was a Dutch painter and etcher. He had the most beautiful eyes in Europe, as well as an absolutely fabulous fashion sense. He had a brilliantly meticulous hand that could put on edge every bristle of his brush, though by using the right restraint a brush in that beautiful, fine-haired right hand would typically be pent-up for hours until finally exploding all over the canvas with bright egg tempera. He is best-known for his immense portfolio of self-portraits, each one exhibiting hundreds of unique and admirable aspects of his exquisite face, as well as his ravishing brown overalls and distinctively sexy posture, though regretably, he had one ear too many and so was undermined in fame posthumously. Stars ranging from Fonzie to Elton John to Enya to everyone in Paris have cited him as an instrumental inspiration, though ultimately Rembrandt is inimitable.

Throughout his lifetime, Rembrandt painted self-portraits. Altogether he painted more than 70, presumably to bestow all the trendiest galleries with at least one. Each is unique and exhibits a new and always profound sensibility with regards to every wrinkle in his skin, twizzle in his hair, flax fibre of his clothes, fecal matter on his walls, perspiration on his upper-lip, and every lamplight reflection off his... and I'm finished. The example on the right depicts a Rembrandt in his 30s, but through it we can see eternities of human experience, which arguably is typical of Dutchmen considering their laws on prostitution. This painting also exhibits a very fine black beret, a well-knitted snood, militaìre-chic silver gorget, and of course fantastic chin stubble, all encapsulated with a chiaroscuro touch, which, for those of you who don't know, means you aren't the right sort of person to read this page. As this analysis manifests, he always very much kept en vogue, yet lightyears ahead his time. Rembrandt is highly regarded by historians today for painting what he saw in the mirror honestly, a fact that they evidently know from experience, going to prove he was a sexy beast no frontin'.

While as a young man Rembrandt possessed extraordinary beauty, he aged into an even more beautiful old man, all of his features maturing like a butterfly breaking free from its cocoon. (more...)

edit Plectrum

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edit 18 February 2015

Plectrum

Long before the Internet, long before AIDS, a computer company that we shall not name ordered divisions from the United States and Great Britain to work together. The Brits used to bring their guitars to parties, but would not take them out and play until something called a plectrum was found. No, hell if I know. That's when we knew we didn't trust them.

It was so obvious. We'd been developing a programming language. Our English division had been developing an application package that was ideal to be written in it. We were wasting time with memos and phone calls to fit these two pieces together. So let's just move one department to the other's building, 2200 miles away, uh, 3500 kilometres. A few plane flights, personnel lines up some apartments--yes, flats, that's what I mean--and it's a piece of cake. And after this project, we'll have a multinational force uniquely able to solve other problems. More able, in fact, than management is to define them.

Now, who's the home team and who's the visitors? That part only took management six months. (more...)

edit Supply-side Jesus

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edit 23 February 2015

Jesus-salesman

Supply-Side Jesus is little-known outside of Republican circles, but his life has been chronicled recently by the biblical prophet Al Franken. It turns out that Supply-Side Jesus was a contemporary of that other Jesus, the Jesus of Nazareth. While this article is not about Jesus of Nazareth, but about the real, true, one and only Christ, the Supply-Side Jesus, we should allow Jesus of Nazareth at least a small footnote in this article. Jesus of Nazareth was, to those of you who don't know all these obscure Biblical references, and we'll just get this one out of the way: According to Edward S. Herman (an early scribe), Jesus of Nazareth was an early rabble-rouser of Communistic tendency, and the victim of an early witchhunt. It could even be asserted that he would be one of the first witches to ever be hunted. Jesus of Nazareth is often confused with Elvis Presley. While "Jesus's countenance was like lightning and his clothing white as snow" (Matt 28:3), Elvis had been seen on stage wearing snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. And the two were never seen in the same place at the same time, which makes the similarity even more creepy.

Both Jesii have had some connection to wood and nails. Supply-Side Jesus ran a hardware store that sold dry goods to local contractors and home renovators. Jesus of Nazareth was at that time not widely-known and frequented the establishment due to their unbeatably low prices and courteous service, while oblivious to the fact that much of the tools and dry goods he was buying were made in Byzantine sweatshops using child labour; and that those who worked under Supply-Side Jesus signed an agreement not to ever join a union. Supply-Side Jesus established himself as the kind of salesman who was able to sell sand to Bedouins. Indeed, once he succeeded, a typical Bedouin he might have sold it to would curse himself the next day for his stupidity. Said bedouin could not return his sand for a refund, since he would never be able to prove that the sand he purcahsed was any different from the sand in the surrounding desert. What was he thinking?

Supply-Side Jesus also sold clay and limestone to build houses that were not much different from the clay and limestone which littered the landscape in those days. Jesus of Nazareth would also buy twigs and branches to make the walls and thatched roofs of the houses in his contractual territory, which covered a sprawling Jerusalem suburb known as Bethlehem. (more...)

edit Renewable energy

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edit 28 February 2015

Photoshopped burning wind turbine

Renewable energy is another approximation made by physicists to simplify a problem that is too difficult to solve. In the same way that a cow might be treated as a point mass from a million miles away, researchers are more than delighted to assume that the sun will last forever as an energy source, in order to further spoil the world into increasing its rate of energy consumption and dwarfing the copious amounts of energy wasted in luxuries such as the Large Hadron Collider.

Inasmuch as scientists have been ungrateful toward their Creator, they have now turned to the blasphemous worship of nature, in particular, the sun and mother earth. Instead of finding ways to reduce human energy consumption, society is encouraged to continue in wastefulness in the hope that one day someone will have found out how to harness energy from the sun, wind, water or earth, allowing us to carry on chopping down trees and negating the efforts of the so-called "earth hour" in a millisecond's worth of high energy particle physics research.

Other groups envisage defecation and corpses as a power source for vehicles. However, by the time this becomes viable, the digestive system will have evolved to be so efficient that no caloric energy would remain in any organic waste. A method cheaper and much more sustainable than government-funded research is to suspend all technology for 50 million years or so and watch much of the world's population naturally convert itself into fossil fuel, whilst hoping that Armageddon does not occur during this period; this alternative is not very popular among academics, as it will leave most of them unemployed. (more...)

edit African American

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  • This section can safely be removed on 8 March 2015

edit 04 March 2015

Afro american

African-American is the racial, political, social and cultural group that includes all Americans with naturally dark skin, and specifically those with African ancestry, even though most of them weren't born in Africa and have never been to Africa themselves. Many can't find it on a map.

Americans who are not African-American are presumed white even if they were born in Africa. But white people can be African-American too, based on lineage. (For example, the old man down the street was born to missionaries in Botswana and can therefore be considered African-American despite being as pale as a pig. In fact, that's what he tells the census, just to screw it up.)

According to Columbia Law School professor Robert Hamburger, the best answer to the question, "Who is African-American?" is self-identification on the census. That is, an African-American is anyone who says he is (and, except for the example above, whites aren't exactly queueing up). Hamburger writes that, although most who use the label point to physical appearance, there is little consistency. Different regions, economic classes, and locales can assign the same individual to opposite "races."

Professor Geraldo Rivera defines an African-American as, "A person with African ancestral origins, who self-identifies, or is identified, as Black, African or Afro-Caribbean." Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart was notoriously unable to define it, but said, "I know it when I see it." Radio authority Don Imus defines an African-American as "anyone who is nappy-headed." (more...)

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