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== [[Slut shaming]] ==
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* Article feature date: 2 April 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>2 April 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Slut shaming}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1428278400 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>6 April 2015</u>}}
   
== [[Jim Jarmusch]] ==
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=== 02 April 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|protest_against_slut-shaming.jpg|140px|link=Slut shaming}}
* Article feature date: 8 July 2009
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'''[[Slut shaming]]''' is the basis of modern society — the pillar on which decent people plop their weight — the great turtle on which morality stands in order to reach the top shelf. But it is equally important as an amusement, the amount of which is limited only by the number of:
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>8 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Jim Jarmusch}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Jim Jarmusch|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247356800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>12 July 2009</u>}}
 
   
=== 08 July 2009 ===
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#Definitions of the term "slut,"
{{FeatArticleImg|Jim_Jarmusch.jpg|100px}}
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#Available shaming techniques, and
'''[[Jim Jarmusch]]''' is not a filmmaker. He is an [[artist]] who happens to make films. If you have ever seen a Jarmusch film—and the chances are that you have not because normal theaters can't bear the weight of his brilliance and his films are rarely ever seen except by privileged smart people—and you did not consider it the pinnacle of cinematic artistic genius, then you are a [[moron]].
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#Participants on hand.
   
You are not worthy.
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The term "slut" signifies a woman whose fortress is not well-guarded. The concept is relative, not only because the figurative winners write the history of war, but because the proverbial [[penis|pen is]] mightier than the sword. Thus, every human being unfortunate enough to be born female is a potential slut, and many live up to their potential.
   
''' Early life '''
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[[Sigmund Freud]] stated that sexual desire motivates human actions. Nevertheless, slut shaming is not always sexual. The alleged slut can be a teenager who bares a fraction of her body (any fraction) for a fraction of a second in front of a fraction of a camera; or equally likely an elderly Cambridge lady, researching into the role of slut shaming.
   
Jarmusch was born in black and white silence, from very early on uncannily resembling [[Nick Cave]] with grey hair. His father made wry jokes in which timing and ensuing silence contributed more to the humor than the punch line.
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So it is not that a woman defends her fortress but that she burrows under the fortress of social control — such as when she criticises slut shaming itself. A key defense that society uses is the "slut factor," as a woman is not only a slut when she acts sluttily, but especially when she resists acting sluttily. To further show the term's marvelous adaptability, a woman acting maximally slutty is never called a "slut" by her co-actor, at least for the entire time they are in bed together. '''([[Slut shaming|more]]...)'''
   
As a child, he was stuck permanently in a corner of his parents house reading [[Jack Kerouac|Kerouac]]. When he was a little older, he became dreadfully disillusioned, and set out on the road, usually with two other characters, making his way to some destination or other for no considerable reason.'''([[Jim Jarmusch|more]]...)'''
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== [[Turtle]] ==
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* Article feature date: 7 April 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>7 April 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Turtle}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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== [[UnTweets:George Peterson]] ==
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=== 07 April 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Logger_eggs_01.jpg|150px|link=Turtle}}
* Article feature date: 9 July 2009
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'''[[Turtle]]''' are [[lizard]]s in the half-shell. A turtle can retreat inside the shell for warmth, safety, and to [[Television|catch the soaps]]. Subspecies of turtle include common turtles, snapping turtles, sea turtles, and [[Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles]].
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>9 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnTweets:George Peterson}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=UnTweets:George Peterson|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247443200 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>13 July 2009</u>}}
 
   
=== 09 July 2009 ===
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Turtles are one of [[Earth]]'s oldest species, essentially fossils without the unpleasant chore of dying. Their shells kept them from being overhunted into [[extinction]] by [[Dinosaur|dinosaurs]], and even today, keep them from being mistaken for [[porcupine]]s. The shell is the reason why some tortoises are over 65 million years of age.
{{FeatArticleImg|Twitter logo header.png|100px}}
 
'''Name:''' George W. Peterson<br>
 
'''Location:''' Chilly Parts of Scotland<br>
 
'''Bio:''' Newspaper editor ("The Kinrossie Times"), happily married to not only Sarah, but also to gardening.
 
   
'''Following''' 294<br>
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The word ''turtle'' is derived from the [[Old English]] word ''turdyl'', meaning "little [[turd]]". This is because the people of the [[Middle Ages]] believed turtles actually originated from sewage dumped into the [[Thames]]; [[feces]] floated on top of the water, where [[Medieval science|Medieval scientists]] thought the upper part dried out and hardened into a crust from exposure to the atmosphere, then through the miracle of spontaneous generation, a head and limbs would pop out the sides.
   
'''Followers''' 1007
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It was not until the early 1700s that biologists first reclassified turtles as a type of [[Frog|amphibian]], bringing them one step closer to their modern classification as lizards in 1985. However, the name stuck, albeit with updated spelling.
   
'''Saturday May 3rd'''
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Turtles first [[Evolution|evolved]] when a cowardly lizard took refuge underneath a [[rock]], and carried it around on its back. However, the rock was heavy, which made the lizard's movements slow. Future generations took to instead eating rocks and growing a mineralized shell; this new, lighter shell might have enabled faster movement had the turtles not also gotten fatter to fit inside their new mobile homes. '''([[Turtle|more]]...)'''
   
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Went for my fifth "Cabbage Check-Up" a few minutes ago. Sarah thinks I'm mad, but I don't want to miss anything, now do I?|13:35pm May 3rd|web}}
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== [[Glory hole]] ==
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Have got to start preparing for new arrival!|14:21pm May 3rd|web}}
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* Article feature date: 11 April 2015
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Sarah has just brought home the new cat, and she's settling in. She's eight weeks old, ginger, and incredibly excitable. I think she has [[OCD]]. Any ideas for names?|16:09pm May 3rd|web}}
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>11 April 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Glory hole}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Sarah has put today's newspaper in the litter tray. Now how am I supposed to find out the news?|16:23pm May 3rd|web}}
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1429056000 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>15 April 2015</u>}}
{{UnTweets/Tweetplate|Just remembered I have the Internet! Who needs newspapers anyway!?|16:25pm May 3rd|web}}'''([[UnTweets:George Peterson|more]]...)'''
 
   
== [[Mrs. God's blog]] ==
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=== 11 April 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Glory_Hole.jpg|160px|link=Glory hole}}
* Article feature date: 10 July 2009
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'''[[Glory hole|A glory hole]]''' is a type of architectural adornment that first became fashionable in the Italian [[Renaissance]] period. Glory holes in this time were often covered in [[gold]] leaf, and had either bas-relief or, in sculptor Gian Lorenzo Bernini's case, sculptural details that came out of the frame too much to be considered as such, and were generally imagery from both Biblical creatures and Classical creatures, most notably angels and cherubs, for it was convention that the creatures be able to fly because of the large scale on which these glory holes were often constructed.
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>10 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Mrs. God's blog}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Mrs. God's blog|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 10 July 2009 ===
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But the form of the glory hole has changed a lot over the years. As a seminal piece of the YBA movement that pervaded during 1992, artist [[Tracey Emin]] installed ''Glory Hole'' at the Tate Modern in London: two walls of a toilet cubicle, one of which with a small hole in around the middle of the door with a few strips of duct tape so that, as Emin put it, "the viewer [could] more comfortably slide his/her eyes in and out through the hole." This changed the public's perception of the glory hole dramatically.
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Mrs God’s blog is republished from Facebook with permission of the author.
 
   
'''May 20th, 2009'''
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In the Italian Renaissance, glory holes served two purposes for the rich clergymen who were the usual clientele for the architects and sculptors who built them: (1) as a statement of how [[well-endowed]] the people who commissioned and displayed them were when entertaining guests, and (2) so that owners could perform various parts of their daily routines, often accompanied by their wives, such as praying, for these tremendous objects usually portrayed religious iconography, and were seen as a way of getting closer to God.
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On the left here is one of many glory holes in St. Peter's Cathedral, [[Rome]]/[[Vatican City]]. Although traditionally used by popes after Pope Paul Borghese V, the founder of St. Peter's, this one is now used mainly for display purposes, though is still used for some ceremonies and special occasions. '''([[Glory hole|more]]...)'''
   
Hiiiii!
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== [[Horace]] ==
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* Article feature date: 16 April 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>16 April 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Horace}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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Just a few words from me, Mrs God. I know you haven’t heard from me much over the years, but now that my hubby’s away…
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=== 16 April 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Quintus_Horatius_Flaccus.jpg|140px|link=Horace}}
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'''[[Horace|Quintus Horatius Flaccus]]''' (65 BC – 8 BC) was a prominent [[Roman]] [[poet]]. He is known in the [[English]]-speaking world as '''Horace''' (/ˈhɔrɪsˌ/). In the [[Latin]]-speaking world, he is not known as anything, because Latin is dead, and so is Horace. In the dodgier neighborhoods of [[Rome]] in those days, he was known as '''Flaccid Quint'''.
   
First of all, let me reassure everyone “[[God]] is not dead”. We heard a lot of that in the 60s. It wasn’t true then and it’s not true now. Phew!
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It being over 2,020 years since those days, it is surprising that he is known as anything at all, but the reason is that the most frequent subject of the poetry of Horace was Horace.
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Horace was an officer in the [[Republican]] [[Army]] at the time it [[bomb]]ed at Philippi, which was around the time that Rome bombed at being a republic. When [[Octavian]] (or [[Augustus]]) became [[emperor]], Horace stuck around as an official spokesperson. His poetry did a historic balancing act between toeing the party line and being of interest to normal people.
   
It '''''IS''''' true that He picked up a bit of a [[coke]] habit and I can tell you, God moved in some peculiar ways back then. But we’ve finally persuaded Him to face His issues and booked Him into [[Rehab]] – He said “No, no, no” for thirty years and when God says “No” it’s very hard to change His mind but He's finally checked into the Priory and we're hoping He can work through some of His issues and make a full recovery. '''([[Mrs. God's blog|more]]...)'''
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R. Barrow writes that Horace "tells us far more about himself than any other great poet in antiquity," R. Barrow evidently being one of the few who finds this interesting. By comparison, Rock And Roll Fred tells this writer far more about himself than does anyone else at the bar, and it is not.
   
== [[Wild Bill Hickok]] ==
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Anyway. Horace was born on 8 December 65 BC — no one seems to know what day of the week that was — in [[Venus]]ia in southern [[Italy]]. His home was on a trade route between Apulia and Bucania, and his appreciation of language may have been enhanced by those using that route, assuming that truckstops were not much different then from now. His mother must often have washed his mouth out with soap (in Latin, ''lava''). It is possible that soldiers were relocated to his region from Rome for their role in the [[Socialism|Social War]], which proved that they "do not get along with others," and this could have been a source of even more crude language. His father was at one time a [[slave]] but gained his freedom and became an auctioneer, yet another basis of Horace's off-color writings. Horace has some very nice things to say about his father, but nothing at all to say about his mother. Mothers often complain that "You never write me."
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 11 July 2009
 
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=== 11 July 2009 ===
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Horace's mother invites our speculation, except that this entire section has been guesswork. Nevertheless, spending decades doing the same supports large departments at many modern [[University|universities]]. '''([[Horace|more]]...)'''
{{FeatArticleImg|Wildbill.jpg|100px}}
 
'''James Butler Hickok''' (May 27, 1837 - August 2, 1876), better known as '''[[Wild Bill Hickok]]''', was a figure of renown in the American Old West. He is remembered for his skills as a gunfighter, sharpshooter, marksman, and his excellent aim with a firearm. Hickok's exploits gained him such great fame that he earned the moniker of "Bill" despite that nickname having virtually no connection to his actual name. This nickname also inspired similar nicknames for other men named William.<ref>Though research has shown that the sizes of all of these subsequent men's genitals pale in comparison to Hickok's.</ref> Hickok's horse was called ''Black Nell'', and he owned two Colt 1851 Navy Revolvers, along with a rarely-used Colt 1855 Air Force Bazooka.
 
   
Hickok came to the West in the little-known Boron Rush of 1849. To help finance his Boron-seeking operation, he became a part-time stagecoach driver. He spent most of his time in the territories of [[Nebraska]] and [[Kansas]], progressing from stagecoach driver to stagecoach driver/lawman, and finally to lawman. He served in the [[Union]] army during the [[Battle of Gettysburg|American Civil War]], giving his allegiance to [[Abraham Lincoln|Lincoln]] and his modest beard over [[Robert E. Lee|Jefferson Davis]]' pretty-boy hairstyle.<ref>Hair meant ''a lot'' to those living in the 1800s.</ref> He gained publicity after the war as a scout, marksman, skilled juggler, and professional gambler. Hickok was involved in countless Wild West shootouts, often shooting people off of roofs and using [[cactus|cactusses]] for cover, among other Wild West stereotypes. He was ultimately killed while playing poker in a [[North Dakota|Dakota Territory]] saloon. '''([[Wild Bill Hickok|more]]...)'''
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== [[Cruel and unusual punishment]] ==
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* Article feature date: 23 April 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>23 April 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Cruel and unusual punishment}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1430092800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>27 April 2015</u>}}
   
== [[Fan service]] ==
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=== 23 April 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Kirk.JPG|130px|link=Cruel and unusual punishment}}
* Article feature date: 12 July 2009
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'''[[Cruel and unusual punishment]]''' is a [[platitude]] found in the '''Eighth Amendment''' to the [[U.S. Constitution]]. The Amendment, like the rest of the [[Bill of Rights]], was written to ensure that the new American nation would not suffer from the excesses of the former [[England|English]] overlords, such as drawing-and-quartering, death by [[torture]] (no matter how entertaining it was to contemplate it being done to [[Mel Gibson]] in ''[[Braveheart]]''), or repeats of [[Mr. Bean]].
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>12 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Fan service}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Fan service|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
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=== 12 July 2009 ===
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That the [[Thomas Jefferson|Founding Founders]] in the execution-happy colonies would have written an amendment to ban executions entirely is so unthinkable that it has taken the finest minds in the [[United States]] to explain why it means exactly this.
{{FeatArticleImg|Fan_girl_3.jpg|100px}}
 
A '''fan''' is a useful device for keeping oneself cool in hot weather. However, whether your fan is electric or one of the more traditional "folded pieces of paper," it will occasionally require service. Fortunately, there are service stations in most major cities.
 
   
Prior to [[World War 2]], fans were serviced primarily by overweight men with ill-fitting pants. However, when these men were drafted, the industry was taken over primarily by young women. Due to the suspicious number of fan serviceman deaths at the Battle of Iwo Jima, the industry has remained [[sexy|dominated]] by females to this day.
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Most uses of the Eighth Amendment in the U.S. court system therefore concern executions, the exception being the rare lawsuit to demand premium cable channels on prison [[television]]s.
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In fact, no prisoner has ever been drawn-and-quartered or tortured in the United States at all. And [[slavery]], the Alternative Minimum Tax, and Instant Replay in [[Major League Baseball]] are technically not even "punishments."
   
Fan servicewomen pride themselves on their competence, professionalism, and complete inability to find clothes that cover more than 40% of their skin.
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The [[Supreme Court]], then, has had the task of understanding what the Founders could have meant by writing an Amendment that, on the surface, seems meaningless. In the American ''renaissance'' called the [[Great Society]], it first occurred to the Court that the death penalty itself could be "cruel and unusual punishment."
   
Although fan service is a rewarding job, it also comes with certain challenges. In order to draw attention to the plight of these women, this article will focus largely on those challenges. '''([[Fan service|more]]...)'''
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As in most things, the Court advanced this "jurisprudence" gradually, first saving from execution only:
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*The insane, who obviously did not know what they were doing
== [[UnNews:The God Interview]] ==
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*Premeditated murders, because the nation needs their expertise and attention to detail in National Economic Planning
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
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*Child killers, because we need to give them a chance to grow up
* Article feature date: 13 July 2009
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*Spouse killers, because we need to give them a chance to grow old
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>13 July 2009<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnNews:The God Interview}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=UnNews:The God Interview|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
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*Elderly killers, because sometimes writing kids out of the will just doesn't work
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1247788800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>17 July 2009</u>}}
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*[[African Americans]], because we don't execute a fair share of [[white folks]] and we wouldn't want blacks to take this the wrong way
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*Authors of [[gun]] massacres, because this is the fault of gun shows, [[SUV]]s, and [[Wild West|rodeo]]s.
=== 13 July 2009 ===
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'''([[Cruel and unusual punishment|more]]...)'''
{{FeatArticleImg|Godsuit.jpg|100px}}
 
''Worshipped by some, denied by others, UnNews brings you this exclusive interview with the one and only '''God'''. Where did we come from? Where did we go? Whatever happened to Cotton Eye Joe? What makes the Almighty Creator tick? We hope to find out these things and more in this unprecedented UnNews event.''
 
 
 
'''UnNews:''' What can I say, God, if I may call you so, it’s a pleasure to have you with us today. This is a real step up from last week’s guest, a morbidly obese kid that almost scored an on-air on [[American Idol]].
 
 
'''GOD:''' Well, I’m glad to be here. And “God” is fine. Tack on “Almighty Omnipotent” if you wish.
 
 
'''UnNews:''' Well, Almighty Omnipotent God, I must say you really look a lot like I imagined. The robe. The long white beard. The wise, stern countenance. It’s all there.
 
 
'''GOD:''' This physical presence you are now visualizing is no more than a projection of your image of Me. You better be making Me look good!
 
 
'''UnNews:''' Uh, oh yes, trust me; you’re looking hot, God. [[George Clooney]]’s got nothing on you. Look out ladies!
 
'''([[UnNews:The God Interview|more]]...)'''
 

Latest revision as of 12:48, April 22, 2015


edit Slut shaming

  • Article feature date: 2 April 2015
  • Feature code: {{FA|date=2 April 2015|revision=5862128}} (Only add this after this page has saved)
  • Remove this section now.

edit 02 April 2015

Protest against slut-shaming

Slut shaming is the basis of modern society — the pillar on which decent people plop their weight — the great turtle on which morality stands in order to reach the top shelf. But it is equally important as an amusement, the amount of which is limited only by the number of:

  1. Definitions of the term "slut,"
  2. Available shaming techniques, and
  3. Participants on hand.

The term "slut" signifies a woman whose fortress is not well-guarded. The concept is relative, not only because the figurative winners write the history of war, but because the proverbial pen is mightier than the sword. Thus, every human being unfortunate enough to be born female is a potential slut, and many live up to their potential.

Sigmund Freud stated that sexual desire motivates human actions. Nevertheless, slut shaming is not always sexual. The alleged slut can be a teenager who bares a fraction of her body (any fraction) for a fraction of a second in front of a fraction of a camera; or equally likely an elderly Cambridge lady, researching into the role of slut shaming.

So it is not that a woman defends her fortress but that she burrows under the fortress of social control — such as when she criticises slut shaming itself. A key defense that society uses is the "slut factor," as a woman is not only a slut when she acts sluttily, but especially when she resists acting sluttily. To further show the term's marvelous adaptability, a woman acting maximally slutty is never called a "slut" by her co-actor, at least for the entire time they are in bed together. (more...)

edit Turtle

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Logger eggs 01

Turtle are lizards in the half-shell. A turtle can retreat inside the shell for warmth, safety, and to catch the soaps. Subspecies of turtle include common turtles, snapping turtles, sea turtles, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Turtles are one of Earth's oldest species, essentially fossils without the unpleasant chore of dying. Their shells kept them from being overhunted into extinction by dinosaurs, and even today, keep them from being mistaken for porcupines. The shell is the reason why some tortoises are over 65 million years of age.

The word turtle is derived from the Old English word turdyl, meaning "little turd". This is because the people of the Middle Ages believed turtles actually originated from sewage dumped into the Thames; feces floated on top of the water, where Medieval scientists thought the upper part dried out and hardened into a crust from exposure to the atmosphere, then through the miracle of spontaneous generation, a head and limbs would pop out the sides.

It was not until the early 1700s that biologists first reclassified turtles as a type of amphibian, bringing them one step closer to their modern classification as lizards in 1985. However, the name stuck, albeit with updated spelling.

Turtles first evolved when a cowardly lizard took refuge underneath a rock, and carried it around on its back. However, the rock was heavy, which made the lizard's movements slow. Future generations took to instead eating rocks and growing a mineralized shell; this new, lighter shell might have enabled faster movement had the turtles not also gotten fatter to fit inside their new mobile homes. (more...)

edit Glory hole

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Glory Hole

A glory hole is a type of architectural adornment that first became fashionable in the Italian Renaissance period. Glory holes in this time were often covered in gold leaf, and had either bas-relief or, in sculptor Gian Lorenzo Bernini's case, sculptural details that came out of the frame too much to be considered as such, and were generally imagery from both Biblical creatures and Classical creatures, most notably angels and cherubs, for it was convention that the creatures be able to fly because of the large scale on which these glory holes were often constructed.

But the form of the glory hole has changed a lot over the years. As a seminal piece of the YBA movement that pervaded during 1992, artist Tracey Emin installed Glory Hole at the Tate Modern in London: two walls of a toilet cubicle, one of which with a small hole in around the middle of the door with a few strips of duct tape so that, as Emin put it, "the viewer [could] more comfortably slide his/her eyes in and out through the hole." This changed the public's perception of the glory hole dramatically.

In the Italian Renaissance, glory holes served two purposes for the rich clergymen who were the usual clientele for the architects and sculptors who built them: (1) as a statement of how well-endowed the people who commissioned and displayed them were when entertaining guests, and (2) so that owners could perform various parts of their daily routines, often accompanied by their wives, such as praying, for these tremendous objects usually portrayed religious iconography, and were seen as a way of getting closer to God. On the left here is one of many glory holes in St. Peter's Cathedral, Rome/Vatican City. Although traditionally used by popes after Pope Paul Borghese V, the founder of St. Peter's, this one is now used mainly for display purposes, though is still used for some ceremonies and special occasions. (more...)

edit Horace

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Quintus Horatius Flaccus

Quintus Horatius Flaccus (65 BC – 8 BC) was a prominent Roman poet. He is known in the English-speaking world as Horace (/ˈhɔrɪsˌ/). In the Latin-speaking world, he is not known as anything, because Latin is dead, and so is Horace. In the dodgier neighborhoods of Rome in those days, he was known as Flaccid Quint.

It being over 2,020 years since those days, it is surprising that he is known as anything at all, but the reason is that the most frequent subject of the poetry of Horace was Horace. Horace was an officer in the Republican Army at the time it bombed at Philippi, which was around the time that Rome bombed at being a republic. When Octavian (or Augustus) became emperor, Horace stuck around as an official spokesperson. His poetry did a historic balancing act between toeing the party line and being of interest to normal people.

R. Barrow writes that Horace "tells us far more about himself than any other great poet in antiquity," R. Barrow evidently being one of the few who finds this interesting. By comparison, Rock And Roll Fred tells this writer far more about himself than does anyone else at the bar, and it is not.

Anyway. Horace was born on 8 December 65 BC — no one seems to know what day of the week that was — in Venusia in southern Italy. His home was on a trade route between Apulia and Bucania, and his appreciation of language may have been enhanced by those using that route, assuming that truckstops were not much different then from now. His mother must often have washed his mouth out with soap (in Latin, lava). It is possible that soldiers were relocated to his region from Rome for their role in the Social War, which proved that they "do not get along with others," and this could have been a source of even more crude language. His father was at one time a slave but gained his freedom and became an auctioneer, yet another basis of Horace's off-color writings. Horace has some very nice things to say about his father, but nothing at all to say about his mother. Mothers often complain that "You never write me."

Horace's mother invites our speculation, except that this entire section has been guesswork. Nevertheless, spending decades doing the same supports large departments at many modern universities. (more...)

edit Cruel and unusual punishment

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Kirk

Cruel and unusual punishment is a platitude found in the Eighth Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. The Amendment, like the rest of the Bill of Rights, was written to ensure that the new American nation would not suffer from the excesses of the former English overlords, such as drawing-and-quartering, death by torture (no matter how entertaining it was to contemplate it being done to Mel Gibson in Braveheart), or repeats of Mr. Bean.

That the Founding Founders in the execution-happy colonies would have written an amendment to ban executions entirely is so unthinkable that it has taken the finest minds in the United States to explain why it means exactly this.

Most uses of the Eighth Amendment in the U.S. court system therefore concern executions, the exception being the rare lawsuit to demand premium cable channels on prison televisions. In fact, no prisoner has ever been drawn-and-quartered or tortured in the United States at all. And slavery, the Alternative Minimum Tax, and Instant Replay in Major League Baseball are technically not even "punishments."

The Supreme Court, then, has had the task of understanding what the Founders could have meant by writing an Amendment that, on the surface, seems meaningless. In the American renaissance called the Great Society, it first occurred to the Court that the death penalty itself could be "cruel and unusual punishment."

As in most things, the Court advanced this "jurisprudence" gradually, first saving from execution only:

  • The insane, who obviously did not know what they were doing
  • Premeditated murders, because the nation needs their expertise and attention to detail in National Economic Planning
  • Child killers, because we need to give them a chance to grow up
  • Spouse killers, because we need to give them a chance to grow old
  • Elderly killers, because sometimes writing kids out of the will just doesn't work
  • African Americans, because we don't execute a fair share of white folks and we wouldn't want blacks to take this the wrong way
  • Authors of gun massacres, because this is the fault of gun shows, SUVs, and rodeos.

(more...)

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