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NOTE: EDITING THIS PAGE IS NOT HOW YOU FEATURE AN ARTICLE, N00B!
 
NOTE: EDITING THIS PAGE IS NOT HOW YOU FEATURE AN ARTICLE, N00B!
 
See [[Forum:Feature_queue]] and follow those steps.
 
See [[Forum:Feature_queue]] and follow those steps.
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== [[Constitution of the United States (actual text)]] ==
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* Article feature date: 27 January 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>27 January 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Constitution of the United States (actual text)}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1422662400 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>31 January 2015</u>}}
   
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=== 27 January 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Sigs.jpg|160px|link=Constitution of the United States (actual text)}}
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'''[[Constitution of the United States (actual text)|We the People of the United States]]''', in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.
   
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Section I. Any male constituent who has attained the Age of Twenty-One years shall vote for a nobleman of his choosing to represent him in the executive legislature. He shall freely cast his choice on a ballot in a designated [[election|voting]] bureau and deposit the ballot in a box. After all the constituents accomplished their duty of Citizenry, the box contents shall be dumped in the nearest river and the predetermined winner be announced to the People.
   
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Section II. Any elected representative in the Land of the Free shall receive 10 slaves Free of charge, only shipping and handling to pay and shall be refunded if not satisfied before 30 days.'''([[Constitution of the United States (actual text)|more]]...)'''
   
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== [[New Hampshire]] ==
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* Article feature date: 2 February 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>2 February 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|New Hampshire}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1423180800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>6 February 2015</u>}}
   
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=== 02 February 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Downed_tree.jpg|140px|link=New Hampshire}}
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'''[[New Hampshire]]''' is a state of the [[United States]], much like Vermont only right-side up, and with 85% fewer [[hippies]]. If it weren't for the state's three public colleges, New Hampshire would be classified as a Confederate state, due to its high White Trash population and its tendency to rebel at the threat of losing the first primary.
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This leafy [[suburb]] of [[Boston]] is sometimes called New [[Hamster]] or [[Cow]] Hampshire to reflect the state's dominant populations. ("[[Jew]] Hampshire" has also been heard, though natives are hardly orthodox but merely cheap, often contriving an impromptu yard-sale before the weekly garbage truck arrives.) Its capital is Concord, a name that deceptively suggests harmonious agreement, but whose real fame is the fact that the offices of Village Fool and Town Drunk are the only ones with more candidates than seats.
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When asked to name all 50 states, 84% of schoolchildren fail to name New Hampshire. This figure drops to 62% when testing schoolchildren within New Hampshire. '''([[New Hampshire|more]]...)'''
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== [[UnBooks:The Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests]] ==
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* Article feature date: 7 February 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>7 February 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|UnBooks:The Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1423612800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>11 February 2015</u>}}
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=== 07 February 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Helga.jpg|150px|link=UnBooks:The Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests
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}}
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'''[[UnBooks:The Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests|Door Buzzing]]''' (Buzzer suspiciously sounds like an [[Orc]]'s battle cry).
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A cheerful voice yells back: ''Just a minute please!''
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Heavy bolts are being retracted as the creaking wooden door noisily swings outwards.
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A small man, smartly dressed, wearing a [[bowtie|bow tie]] and a brown tweed jacket is revealed, wearing a most inviting smile.
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"Good morning, sir" he says with an eloquent [[British]] accent. "And welcome to the ''Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests''. How can we serve you today?"
   
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"Erm...my physician send me over. He's a bit concerned about a possible heart condition I might have and asked me to come over and have it checked....emmm...How long have you been around?"
   
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The little guy's smile broadens significantly as he ushers me cheerfully inside "Yes, Yes, of course. We all need a little stress test every now and then to remove any potential problems or obstructions in the arteries...yes of course. Do come in. Please."
   
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Walking around in the gloomy corridor, I can't help remembering some of the less enjoyable scenes I saw in [[Hostel]]. Some obscure rust colored stains that seem to be scrubbed in a haste can be seen on the ancient looking archways the lead to what would seem candle lit examination rooms. ([[UnBooks:The Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests|more]]...)
   
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== [[Rembrandt]] ==
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* Article feature date: 12 February 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>12 February 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Rembrandt}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1424044800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>16 February 2015</u>}}
   
== [[Faggot]] ==
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=== 12 February 2015 ===
<!-- <section begin=title06102008 />[[Faggot]]<section end=title06102008 /> -->
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{{FeatArticleImg|Rembrandt_self_portrait_drawing.jpg|150px|link=Rembrandt }}
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
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'''[[Rembrandt|Harmenarciszus van Rijn ]]''' was a [[Dutch]] [[painter]] and etcher. He had the most beautiful [[eye]]s in [[Europe]], as well as an absolutely fabulous [[fashion]] sense. He had a brilliantly meticulous [[hand]] that could put on edge every bristle of his brush, though by using the right restraint a brush in that beautiful, fine-haired right hand would typically be pent-up for hours until finally exploding all over the canvas with bright [[egg]] tempera. He is best-known for his immense portfolio of self-portraits, each one exhibiting hundreds of unique and admirable aspects of his exquisite [[face]], as well as his ravishing brown [[clothes|overalls]] and distinctively sexy posture, though regretably, he had [[Vincent van Gogh|one ear too many]] and so was undermined in fame posthumously. Stars ranging from [[Fonzie]] to [[Elton John]] to [[Enya]] to everyone in [[Paris]] have cited him as an instrumental inspiration, though ultimately Rembrandt is inimitable.
* Article feature date: 6 October 2008
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>6 October 2008<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Faggot}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Faggot|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1223596800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>10 October 2008</u>}}
 
   
=== 6 October 2008 ===
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Throughout his lifetime, Rembrandt painted self-portraits. Altogether he painted more than 70, presumably to bestow all the trendiest galleries with at least one. Each is unique and exhibits a new and always profound sensibility with regards to every wrinkle in his skin, twizzle in his hair, flax fibre of his clothes, fecal matter on his walls, perspiration on his upper-lip, and every lamplight reflection off his... [[innuendo|and I'm finished]]. The example on the right depicts a Rembrandt in his 30s, but through it we can see eternities of human experience, which arguably is typical of Dutchmen considering their laws on [[prostitution]]. This painting also exhibits a very fine black beret, a well-knitted [[scarves|snood]], ''militaìre-chic'' silver [[armour|gorget]], and of course fantastic chin stubble, all encapsulated with a ''chiaroscuro'' touch, which, for those of you who don't know, means you [[retard|aren't the right sort of person to read this page]]. As this analysis manifests, he always very much kept ''en vogue'', yet lightyears ahead his time. Rembrandt is highly regarded by historians today for painting what he saw in the mirror honestly, a fact that they evidently know from experience, going to prove he was a sexy beast no frontin'.
{{FeatArticleImg|Bassoons.jpg|100px}}
 
A '''[[faggot]]''' is a woodwind instrument in the double reed [[family]], used to play [[music]] written in the [[bass]] and tenor registers and occasionally even higher, apart from when they have those really annoying squeaky put-on voices sometimes that just put my [[teeth]] on edge.
 
   
I'm as [[liberal]] as the next person, but it just doesn't seem [[natural]] to choose to be a faggot player. Because it ''is'' a choice, and don't let them tell you any different - they could have picked up any instrument in that music shop, but what did they choose? Not a [[drum]] kit or something manly like a [[trumpet]], that's for sure.
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While as a young man Rembrandt possessed extraordinary beauty, he aged into an even more beautiful old man, all of his features maturing like a [[butterfly]] breaking free from its cocoon. '''([[Rembrandt |more]]...)'''
   
Due to the complicated [[finger]]ing and the problem of reeds, the faggot is one of the more difficult instruments to learn; schoolchildren typically take up the faggot only after starting on another easier instrument. Which means they're perfectly [[happy]] when they're kids, and then suddenly they get lured off into ''that'' life. I mean what more proof do you need? '''([[Faggot|more]]...)'''
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== [[Plectrum]] ==
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* Article feature date: 18 February 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>18 February 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Plectrum}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1424584322 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>22 February 2015</u>}}
   
== [[Gerry Cheevers]] ==
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=== 18 February 2015 ===
<!-- <section begin=title07102008 />[[Gerry Cheevers]]<section end=title07102008 /> -->
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{{FeatArticleImg|Plectrum.jpg|150px|link=Plectrum}}
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
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Long before the [[Internet]], long before [[AIDS]], a computer company that we shall not name ordered divisions from the [[United States]] and [[Great Britain]] to work together. The [[Brits]] used to bring their guitars to parties, but would not take them out and play until something called a '''[[plectrum]]''' was found. No, hell if I know. That's when we knew we didn't trust them.
* Article feature date: 7 October 2008
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>7 October 2008<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Gerry Cheevers}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Gerry Cheevers|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1223683200 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>11 October 2008</u>}}
 
   
=== 7 October 2008 ===
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It was so obvious. We'd been developing a programming language. Our English division had been developing an application package that was ideal to be written in it. We were wasting time with memos and phone calls to fit these two pieces together. So let's just move one department to the other's building, 2200 miles away, uh, 3500 kilometres. A few plane flights, personnel lines up some apartments--yes, ''flats,'' that's what I mean--and it's a piece of cake. And after this project, we'll have a multinational force uniquely able to solve other problems. More able, in fact, than management is to define them.
{{FeatArticleImg|GerryCheevers.gif|100px}}
 
'''[[Gerry Cheevers|Gerry "Buzzsaw" "Hacksaw" "Chainsaw" "Deathtoll" "Manslayer" "Axemaniac" Cheevers]]''' was a demi-god who, appearing in the form of a [[hockey]] goaltender, backstopped the Boston Bruins to Stanley Cup victories in 1970 and 1972. Emerging from the mythical and legendary [[Canada]] under suspicious circumstances, he still holds several [[NHL]] records, most of them involving violence of some kind. Known for his beer-drinking abilities and his unusual choice of headgear, Gerry Cheevers is one guy you don't want to fuck around with. '''([[Gerry Cheevers|more]]...)'''
 
   
== [[France]] ==
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Now, who's the home team and who's the visitors? That part only took management six months. '''([[Plectrum|more]]...)'''
<!-- <section begin=title08102008 />[[France]]<section end=title08102008 /> -->
 
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 8 October 2008
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>8 October 2008<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|France}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=France|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1223769600 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>12 October 2008</u>}}
 
   
=== 8 October 2008 ===
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== [[Supply-side Jesus]] ==
{{FeatArticleImg|NightMime.png|100px}}
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* Article feature date: 23 February 2015
The [[France|'''French''']] are [[Famous|famed]] for their [[Food|culinary skills]] which consists of [[Shagging|"''baking bread''"]] and [[Hot Chick|"''producing hot buns and tarts''"]]. There is also the widely adopted pastime of [[drinking]] excess [[coffee]] so as to be able to [[Shag|stay up]] late into the [[night]]; indeed France is a [[nation]] of "''midnight alley cats''".
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>23 February 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Supply-side Jesus}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1424995200 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>27 February 2015</u>}}
   
The [[French]] have also have a great claim to [[fame]] by having [[Social Commentary|overpowering unions]], which have led to slow industry and the country being in [[Economics|perpetual recession]] and ruled by [[Krypton|crypto]][[fascist|-fascist]] [[Goverment|governments]] since France's defeat in the [[World War 2|Second World War]]. '''([[France|more]]...)'''
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=== 23 February 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Jesus-salesman.jpg|200px|link=Supply-side Jesus}}
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'''[[Supply-side Jesus|Supply-Side Jesus]]''' is little-known outside of [[Republican Party|Republican]] circles, but his life has been chronicled recently by the biblical prophet [[Al Franken]]. It turns out that Supply-Side Jesus was a contemporary of that other Jesus, the [[Jesus of Nazareth]]. While this article is not about [[Jesus]] of Nazareth, but about the real, true, one and only Christ, the Supply-Side Jesus, we should allow Jesus of Nazareth at least a small footnote in this article. [[Jesus of Nazareth]] was, to those of you who don't know all these obscure Biblical references, and we'll just get this one out of the way: According to Edward S. Herman (an early scribe), Jesus of Nazareth was an early rabble-rouser of Communistic tendency, and the victim of an early witchhunt. It could even be asserted that he would be one of the first witches to ever be hunted. Jesus of Nazareth is often confused with [[Elvis|Elvis Presley]]. While "Jesus's countenance was like lightning and his clothing white as snow" (Matt 28:3), Elvis had been seen on stage wearing snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. And the two were never seen in the same place at the same time, which makes the similarity even more creepy.
   
== [[Rule of Three]] ==
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Both Jesii have had some connection to wood and nails. Supply-Side Jesus ran a hardware store that sold dry goods to local contractors and home renovators. Jesus of Nazareth was at that time not widely-known and frequented the establishment due to their unbeatably low prices and courteous service, while oblivious to the fact that much of the tools and dry goods he was buying were made in [[Byzantine Empire|Byzantine]] sweatshops using child labour; and that those who worked under Supply-Side Jesus signed an agreement not to ever join a union. Supply-Side Jesus established himself as the kind of salesman who was able to sell sand to Bedouins. Indeed, once he succeeded, a typical Bedouin he might have sold it to would curse himself the next day for his stupidity. Said bedouin could not return his sand for a refund, since he would never be able to prove that the sand he purcahsed was any different from the sand in the surrounding desert. What was he thinking?
<!-- <section begin=title09102008 />[[Rule of Three]]<section end=title09102008 /> -->
 
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 9 October 2008
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>9 October 2008<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Rule of Three}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Rule of Three|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1223856000 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>13 October 2008</u>}}
 
   
=== 9 October 2008 ===
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Supply-Side Jesus also sold clay and limestone to build houses that were not much different from the clay and limestone which littered the landscape in those days. Jesus of Nazareth would also buy twigs and branches to make the walls and thatched roofs of the houses in his contractual territory, which covered a sprawling Jerusalem suburb known as Bethlehem. '''([[Supply-side Jesus|more]]...)'''
{{FeatArticleImg|Mm3.png|100px}}
 
The '''[[Rule of Three]]''' is a principle in [[English]] writing that suggests a list of three things is inherently funnier, more effective or more [[orgasm|sexually satisfying]] than a list of any other number of things. Often to obtain maximum [[humour]], the third thing in the list breaks the pattern set up by the other two. It is an important [[comedy]] writing technique often used in [[television]] shows, stand-up comedy routines and [[erotic]] novels. The technique can be combined with any other comedy technique including [[redundancy]], [[random humour]] and [[redundancy]]. It should not be overused, however, as the joke will fast become [[Uncyclopedia:In-jokes|stale]], [[Oprah Winfrey|stagnant]] and [[Chuck_Norris/Facts|hilarious]]. '''([[Rule of Three|more]]...)'''
 

Latest revision as of 09:23, February 25, 2015


edit Constitution of the United States (actual text)

  • Article feature date: 27 January 2015
  • Feature code: {{FA|date=27 January 2015|revision=5855992}} (Only add this after this page has saved)
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edit 27 January 2015

Sigs

We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, establish justice, insure domestic Tranquility, provide for the common defence, promote the general Welfare and secure the Blessings of Liberty to ourselves and our Posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution for the United States of America.

Section I. Any male constituent who has attained the Age of Twenty-One years shall vote for a nobleman of his choosing to represent him in the executive legislature. He shall freely cast his choice on a ballot in a designated voting bureau and deposit the ballot in a box. After all the constituents accomplished their duty of Citizenry, the box contents shall be dumped in the nearest river and the predetermined winner be announced to the People.

Section II. Any elected representative in the Land of the Free shall receive 10 slaves Free of charge, only shipping and handling to pay and shall be refunded if not satisfied before 30 days.(more...)

edit New Hampshire

  • Article feature date: 2 February 2015
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edit 02 February 2015

Downed tree

New Hampshire is a state of the United States, much like Vermont only right-side up, and with 85% fewer hippies. If it weren't for the state's three public colleges, New Hampshire would be classified as a Confederate state, due to its high White Trash population and its tendency to rebel at the threat of losing the first primary.

This leafy suburb of Boston is sometimes called New Hamster or Cow Hampshire to reflect the state's dominant populations. ("Jew Hampshire" has also been heard, though natives are hardly orthodox but merely cheap, often contriving an impromptu yard-sale before the weekly garbage truck arrives.) Its capital is Concord, a name that deceptively suggests harmonious agreement, but whose real fame is the fact that the offices of Village Fool and Town Drunk are the only ones with more candidates than seats.

When asked to name all 50 states, 84% of schoolchildren fail to name New Hampshire. This figure drops to 62% when testing schoolchildren within New Hampshire. (more...)

edit UnBooks:The Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests

  • Article feature date: 7 February 2015
  • Feature code: {{FA|date=7 February 2015|revision=5853291}} (Only add this after this page has saved)
  • Remove this section now.

edit 07 February 2015

Helga

Door Buzzing (Buzzer suspiciously sounds like an Orc's battle cry).

A cheerful voice yells back: Just a minute please!

Heavy bolts are being retracted as the creaking wooden door noisily swings outwards.

A small man, smartly dressed, wearing a bow tie and a brown tweed jacket is revealed, wearing a most inviting smile.


"Good morning, sir" he says with an eloquent British accent. "And welcome to the Von Stauberg Institute for Extreme Cardiac Stress Tests. How can we serve you today?"

"Erm...my physician send me over. He's a bit concerned about a possible heart condition I might have and asked me to come over and have it checked....emmm...How long have you been around?"

The little guy's smile broadens significantly as he ushers me cheerfully inside "Yes, Yes, of course. We all need a little stress test every now and then to remove any potential problems or obstructions in the arteries...yes of course. Do come in. Please."

Walking around in the gloomy corridor, I can't help remembering some of the less enjoyable scenes I saw in Hostel. Some obscure rust colored stains that seem to be scrubbed in a haste can be seen on the ancient looking archways the lead to what would seem candle lit examination rooms. (more...)

edit Rembrandt

  • Article feature date: 12 February 2015
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edit 12 February 2015

Rembrandt self portrait drawing

Harmenarciszus van Rijn was a Dutch painter and etcher. He had the most beautiful eyes in Europe, as well as an absolutely fabulous fashion sense. He had a brilliantly meticulous hand that could put on edge every bristle of his brush, though by using the right restraint a brush in that beautiful, fine-haired right hand would typically be pent-up for hours until finally exploding all over the canvas with bright egg tempera. He is best-known for his immense portfolio of self-portraits, each one exhibiting hundreds of unique and admirable aspects of his exquisite face, as well as his ravishing brown overalls and distinctively sexy posture, though regretably, he had one ear too many and so was undermined in fame posthumously. Stars ranging from Fonzie to Elton John to Enya to everyone in Paris have cited him as an instrumental inspiration, though ultimately Rembrandt is inimitable.

Throughout his lifetime, Rembrandt painted self-portraits. Altogether he painted more than 70, presumably to bestow all the trendiest galleries with at least one. Each is unique and exhibits a new and always profound sensibility with regards to every wrinkle in his skin, twizzle in his hair, flax fibre of his clothes, fecal matter on his walls, perspiration on his upper-lip, and every lamplight reflection off his... and I'm finished. The example on the right depicts a Rembrandt in his 30s, but through it we can see eternities of human experience, which arguably is typical of Dutchmen considering their laws on prostitution. This painting also exhibits a very fine black beret, a well-knitted snood, militaìre-chic silver gorget, and of course fantastic chin stubble, all encapsulated with a chiaroscuro touch, which, for those of you who don't know, means you aren't the right sort of person to read this page. As this analysis manifests, he always very much kept en vogue, yet lightyears ahead his time. Rembrandt is highly regarded by historians today for painting what he saw in the mirror honestly, a fact that they evidently know from experience, going to prove he was a sexy beast no frontin'.

While as a young man Rembrandt possessed extraordinary beauty, he aged into an even more beautiful old man, all of his features maturing like a butterfly breaking free from its cocoon. (more...)

edit Plectrum

  • Article feature date: 18 February 2015
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edit 18 February 2015

Plectrum

Long before the Internet, long before AIDS, a computer company that we shall not name ordered divisions from the United States and Great Britain to work together. The Brits used to bring their guitars to parties, but would not take them out and play until something called a plectrum was found. No, hell if I know. That's when we knew we didn't trust them.

It was so obvious. We'd been developing a programming language. Our English division had been developing an application package that was ideal to be written in it. We were wasting time with memos and phone calls to fit these two pieces together. So let's just move one department to the other's building, 2200 miles away, uh, 3500 kilometres. A few plane flights, personnel lines up some apartments--yes, flats, that's what I mean--and it's a piece of cake. And after this project, we'll have a multinational force uniquely able to solve other problems. More able, in fact, than management is to define them.

Now, who's the home team and who's the visitors? That part only took management six months. (more...)

edit Supply-side Jesus

  • Article feature date: 23 February 2015
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edit 23 February 2015

Jesus-salesman

Supply-Side Jesus is little-known outside of Republican circles, but his life has been chronicled recently by the biblical prophet Al Franken. It turns out that Supply-Side Jesus was a contemporary of that other Jesus, the Jesus of Nazareth. While this article is not about Jesus of Nazareth, but about the real, true, one and only Christ, the Supply-Side Jesus, we should allow Jesus of Nazareth at least a small footnote in this article. Jesus of Nazareth was, to those of you who don't know all these obscure Biblical references, and we'll just get this one out of the way: According to Edward S. Herman (an early scribe), Jesus of Nazareth was an early rabble-rouser of Communistic tendency, and the victim of an early witchhunt. It could even be asserted that he would be one of the first witches to ever be hunted. Jesus of Nazareth is often confused with Elvis Presley. While "Jesus's countenance was like lightning and his clothing white as snow" (Matt 28:3), Elvis had been seen on stage wearing snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. And the two were never seen in the same place at the same time, which makes the similarity even more creepy.

Both Jesii have had some connection to wood and nails. Supply-Side Jesus ran a hardware store that sold dry goods to local contractors and home renovators. Jesus of Nazareth was at that time not widely-known and frequented the establishment due to their unbeatably low prices and courteous service, while oblivious to the fact that much of the tools and dry goods he was buying were made in Byzantine sweatshops using child labour; and that those who worked under Supply-Side Jesus signed an agreement not to ever join a union. Supply-Side Jesus established himself as the kind of salesman who was able to sell sand to Bedouins. Indeed, once he succeeded, a typical Bedouin he might have sold it to would curse himself the next day for his stupidity. Said bedouin could not return his sand for a refund, since he would never be able to prove that the sand he purcahsed was any different from the sand in the surrounding desert. What was he thinking?

Supply-Side Jesus also sold clay and limestone to build houses that were not much different from the clay and limestone which littered the landscape in those days. Jesus of Nazareth would also buy twigs and branches to make the walls and thatched roofs of the houses in his contractual territory, which covered a sprawling Jerusalem suburb known as Bethlehem. (more...)

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