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NOTE: EDITING THIS PAGE IS NOT HOW YOU FEATURE AN ARTICLE, N00B!
 
NOTE: EDITING THIS PAGE IS NOT HOW YOU FEATURE AN ARTICLE, N00B!
 
See [[Forum:Feature_queue]] and follow those steps.
 
See [[Forum:Feature_queue]] and follow those steps.
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== [[Colloquialism]] ==
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* Article feature date: 2 August 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>2 August 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Colloquialism}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1438819200 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>6 August 2015</u>}}
   
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=== 02 August 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Village_Idiot.gif|150px|link=Colloquialism}}
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'''[[Colloquialism|Colloquialisms]]''' are, you know, a bunch of mumbo-jumbo [[words]] your everyday Johnny-come-lately uses when chewing the rag, and not [[cool]] for, like, formal speech or whatever. The crincum-crancum of the common tongue is mainly used during [[Sitting Bull|pow-wows]] or [[bull]] sessions when hanging out. The word colloquial originally was about the way we talk, where the prose marches to a different [[drummer]] than writing things down and all that sort of stuff. Throwing a curved [[ball]] however, the colloquial register is about free and easy language rather than, you know, the medium. The [[Dictionary]] shows colloquialisms with the abbreviation '''colloq.''' for [[geeks]] and bookworms.
   
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By and large, colloquial language is standalone from run-of-the-mill formal speech or [[writing]]. The mixed bag of [[Jabba the Hutt|jibba-jabba]] tends to bubble to the surface, once the speaker has chilled out enough to pull his/her head out of her/his [[ass]]. Babblative chit-chat may contain a bucket load of slanguage, but for all intents and purposes, is not tied to hackneyed terms at all. Other examples of colloquial language use [[word]] mash and foul language, more often than not. A colloquial name is also the nickname punters use to peg a thing or person in the place of the real [[name]]. An inflated tractor tyre pulled behind a speedboat at a holiday resort and indeed the geezer driving it, could be refered to as a [[Donut|doughnut]], or as Doughnut by both the [[tourists]] and the locals.
   
  +
Colloquialisms are a bigger ball of wax than just pidgin speak used by [[kids]], grunts, fish-heads or [[donkey]]-wallopers. In the main, colloquial language shakes and bakes words and terms that are commonly known and easily understood by speakers of the language worldwide: "See all, ear all, say nowt. [[Eat]] all, sup all, pay nowt. An' if th'ivver does owt for nowt, allus do it for thissen." for example. Slang is a posse of phat raps home-boys use to flex they's sickness, to be down with the rat packs. Slang can sound like a load of epizootics of the blowhole to your average Mondeo-Man, as — despite slang terms being a dime a dozen — they not part of standard [[English]], dig?
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'''([[Colloquialism|more]]...)'''
   
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== [[First-past-the-post voting]] ==
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* Article feature date: 7 August 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>7 August 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|First Past the Post Voting}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1438808119 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>14 August 2015</u>}}
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=== 07 August 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Bunny-dancing-1.jpg|140px|link=First-past-the-post voting}}
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'''[[First-past-the-post voting]]''' is an election in which the winner is the candidate who receives more votes than any others.
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The outrageous notion that the highest vote-getter should be the winner has given us elected office-holders such as [[Adolf Hitler]] and [[Jimmy Carter]]; also the [[Oscars|Oscar&reg;]] for ''The English Patient'' and the [[Nobel Peace Prize]] of [[Barack Obama]].These results explain the international academic frenzy (a veritable [[Pole dancing|poll dance]]) to devise voting systems in which someone less popular will be the winner.
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  +
First-past-the-post (abbreviated '''FPTP''' or '''FPP'''), is a '''plurality''' voting system. Like most successful schemes, it is applied to many cases it does not fit, such as trying to fill a number of seats at the same time. [[Al Capone]] first defined the winner of an election as "the guy what gets the most votes." However, this simple statement is now problematic given the many candidates what do not get the most votes, the large number of campaign [[lawyer]]s they employ, and the gullibility of the people to charges of [[unfair]]ness and [[racism]].
   
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In 2000, non-winner [[Al Gore]] sued, demanding a recount in five [[Florida]] counties of his choosing. His mantra was, "Count Every Vote." The drive to get everyone into the voting booth became a drive to get everyone on the ballot, as both requirements were relaxed. But "the guy what gets the most votes" still won, now with only 10% of the vote. The majority hated all its politicians and demanded new solutions. Elections, like [[health care]], yielded to the American tenet that anything that works will work better with 6,000 pages of regulations.'''([[First-past-the-post voting|more]]...)'''
   
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== [[Noble gases]] ==
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* Article feature date: 14 August 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>14 August 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Noble gases}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1439856000 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>18 August 2015</u>}}
   
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=== 14 August 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|150 dannydeckchair.jpg|140px|link=Noble gases}}
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'''[[Noble gases|The noble gases]]''' are chemical elements that, as of 1969, are listed in group 18 of the periodic table. Under their original natural condition, they were all odorless, colorless, and unreactive, and thus safe for children. In layman's terms, they were all boring. However, they were developed through experimentation to make them usable in interesting and unnatural ways. This is why the noble gases are now restricted to [[Adult|group 18]] of the periodic table.
   
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The six noble gases that occur naturally are helium (helion) (He), neon (Ne), argon (Ar), krypton (Kr), xenon (Xe), and radon (Rn). The one that occurs unnaturally cannot be listed here due to Uncyclopedia's current [http://community.wikia.com/wiki/Wikia_Community_Guidelines Prudery Policy]. The six natural noble gases are all named after noble beings or the possessions or [[People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals|animal]] [[Animal fucking|companions]] of noble beings in [[Greek]], [[Roman]] or [[Japanese]] mythology. Contrary to common thought, these six gases all have uses appropriate for children. Except neon.
   
== [[Faggot]] ==
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The first and lightest noble gas on the periodic table is used to fill balloons for two primary reasons. First, helium is lighter than air, meaning the gas will raise the balloon; and second, unlike the hydrogen that leaked from the floating airship ''Hindenburg'', it doesn't explode over New Jersey.
<!-- <section begin=title06102008 />[[Faggot]]<section end=title06102008 /> -->
 
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 6 October 2008
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>6 October 2008<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Faggot}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Faggot|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1223596800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>10 October 2008</u>}}
 
   
=== 6 October 2008 ===
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Helion (later named helium) was named after the Greek sun god [[Sun|Helios]] (Greek Ἥλιος). It would have been named after the Roman sun god Sol Invictus, but nobody wanted an element named Sol Invictuson. '''([[Noble gases|more]]...)'''
{{FeatArticleImg|Bassoons.jpg|100px}}
 
A '''[[faggot]]''' is a woodwind instrument in the double reed [[family]], used to play [[music]] written in the [[bass]] and tenor registers and occasionally even higher, apart from when they have those really annoying squeaky put-on voices sometimes that just put my [[teeth]] on edge.
 
   
I'm as [[liberal]] as the next person, but it just doesn't seem [[natural]] to choose to be a faggot player. Because it ''is'' a choice, and don't let them tell you any different - they could have picked up any instrument in that music shop, but what did they choose? Not a [[drum]] kit or something manly like a [[trumpet]], that's for sure.
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== [[Warranty]] ==
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* Article feature date: 21 August 2015
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>21 August 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Warranty}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1440460800 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>25 August 2015</u>}}
   
Due to the complicated [[finger]]ing and the problem of reeds, the faggot is one of the more difficult instruments to learn; schoolchildren typically take up the faggot only after starting on another easier instrument. Which means they're perfectly [[happy]] when they're kids, and then suddenly they get lured off into ''that'' life. I mean what more proof do you need? '''([[Faggot|more]]...)'''
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=== 21 August 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|ReadingDoc.jpg|150px|link=Warranty}}
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'''[[Warranty|IMPORTANT PIECE OF PAPER!]]''' DO NOT BLINDLY THROW AWAY BEFORE READING. Thank you for purchasing a free copy of [[Navelism|Uncyclopedia]] to read in your web browser, courtesy of Uncyclopedia Inc.! We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed making it. To guarantee your complete satisfaction with our product, we have included a '''1-year limited warranty''', which covers your copy starting at the moment you loaded it in your tab. [[Torture|Read below for the full terms and conditions]] prior to using this product.
   
== [[Gerry Cheevers]] ==
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For the purposes of clarifying further sections in this document, our [[lawyers]] have [[nuisance|conveniently]] decided to define the following terms. They could have been happy English majors employed to work on a reputable [[Undictionary:Main Page|dictionary]], but they instead had to fall back on a law career and can now only enjoy offering [[acronym|shorthand]] to making reading [[legalese]] a bit easier for lesser humans. Please take the time to read this section if you want any hope of understanding the rest, assuming you can remember all of this.
<!-- <section begin=title07102008 />[[Gerry Cheevers]]<section end=title07102008 /> -->
 
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 7 October 2008
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>7 October 2008<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Gerry Cheevers}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Gerry Cheevers|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1223683200 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>11 October 2008</u>}}
 
   
=== 7 October 2008 ===
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* "Agreement" - This agreement. Hope that clears up any confusion before we proceed further.
{{FeatArticleImg|GerryCheevers.gif|100px}}
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* "Limited Warranty Period" - The time span during which this Agreement is effective.
'''[[Gerry Cheevers|Gerry "Buzzsaw" "Hacksaw" "Chainsaw" "Deathtoll" "Manslayer" "Axemaniac" Cheevers]]''' was a demi-god who, appearing in the form of a [[hockey]] goaltender, backstopped the Boston Bruins to Stanley Cup victories in 1970 and 1972. Emerging from the mythical and legendary [[Canada]] under suspicious circumstances, he still holds several [[NHL]] records, most of them involving violence of some kind. Known for his beer-drinking abilities and his unusual choice of headgear, Gerry Cheevers is one guy you don't want to fuck around with. '''([[Gerry Cheevers|more]]...)'''
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* "You" - Take a wild guess. If you have [[Dissociative Identity Disorder|multiple personality disorder]], this Agreement applies equally to you, you, you, and you.
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* "Product" - The Uncyclopedia website, and all the hilarious articles it contains.
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* "Reseller" - Your [[ISP]], whether it be [[Comcast]] or your neighbor's unsecured [[WiFi]] router.
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* "The Company" - Uncyclopedia Inc. and everyone who contributes to it.
   
== [[France]] ==
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'''([[Warranty|more]]...)'''
<!-- <section begin=title08102008 />[[France]]<section end=title08102008 /> -->
 
{{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|*''This article is now queued for featured on the following date. Now copy the feature code below and place it on the article, and then featuring is complete.''|*''This is a preview. Everything in the "day month year" section is what will appear on the main page. Please check the dates below are correct. If you see any major errors, make sure the article parameter is filled in correctly''.}}
 
* Article feature date: 8 October 2008
 
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>8 October 2008<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|France}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=France|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
 
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1223769600 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>12 October 2008</u>}}
 
   
=== 8 October 2008 ===
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== [[Box-spring]] ==
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* Article feature date: 28 August 2015
The [[France|'''French''']] are [[Famous|famed]] for their [[Food|culinary skills]] which consists of [[Shagging|"''baking bread''"]] and [[Hot Chick|"''producing hot buns and tarts''"]]. There is also the widely adopted pastime of [[drinking]] excess [[coffee]] so as to be able to [[Shag|stay up]] late into the [[night]]; indeed France is a [[nation]] of "''midnight alley cats''".
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* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>28 August 2015<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Box-spring}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> (Only add this '''after''' this page has saved)
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*{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1441065600 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>1 September 2015</u>}}
   
The [[French]] have also have a great claim to [[fame]] by having [[Social Commentary|overpowering unions]], which have led to slow industry and the country being in [[Economics|perpetual recession]] and ruled by [[Krypton|crypto]][[fascist|-fascist]] [[Goverment|governments]] since France's defeat in the [[World War 2|Second World War]]. '''([[France|more]]...)'''
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=== 28 August 2015 ===
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{{FeatArticleImg|Lost in bed.png|200px|link=Box-spring}}
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'''[[Box-spring|A box-spring]]''' (or '''divan''' in the [[UK]], where they don't use such common vulgarities as ''box'') is a type of [[bed]] base. These are generally designed to give the general approximation of comfort while in the store testing the bed, but are designed to cause discomfort from the moment of installation within a [[home]].
   
== [[Rule of Three]] ==
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The construction of these nominally entitled beds typically consist of a wooden frame, covered in dust mite friendly cloth, and containing what are referred to as bedsprings. These bedsprings are tested against several criterion, known colloquially as the "''four c's''". These are: '''([[Box-spring|more]]...)'''
<!-- <section begin=title09102008 />[[Rule of Three]]<section end=title09102008 /> -->
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*Clarity
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*Carat
* Article feature date: 9 October 2008
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*Color (or '''colour''' in the UK, where extraneous vowels are the preferred norm).
* Feature code: <code><nowiki>{{FA|date=</nowiki>9 October 2008<nowiki>|revision=</nowiki>{{lastrevision|Rule of Three}}<nowiki>}}</nowiki></code> {{#if:{{REVISIONID}}|{{#dpl:title=Rule of Three|uses=Template:FA|mode=userformat|resultsheader=<span style="color: green; font-weight: bold">✔ FA has been added.</span>|noresultsheader=<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Featuring is not complete until the feature code is added to the article.</span>}}|<span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:105%">Don't add this to the article until this section has been saved.</span>}}
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*Cut
{{#ifexpr:{{#time: U }} > 1223856000 |* <span style="color: red; font-weight: bold; font-size:125%">Remove this section now.</span>|*This section can safely be removed on <u>13 October 2008</u>}}
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*Certificate
   
=== 9 October 2008 ===
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Most wire coils contain some inner flaws (or '''inclusions''' in the UK), that occur in the manufacturing process. Highly skilled manufacturers work on adding these in an extremely calculated manner. The purpose of these is to allow the bed to have an initial softness or "''comfort''" factor, but due to these inclusions the springs will quickly weaken, deform, snap, or generally just become completely screwed up. Hairline fractures hat occur laterally along the direction of the spring are highly sought (or "''saught''" in the UK), along with air bubbles in the spring itself.'''([[Box-spring|more]]...)'''
{{FeatArticleImg|Mm3.png|100px}}
 
The '''[[Rule of Three]]''' is a principle in [[English]] writing that suggests a list of three things is inherently funnier, more effective or more [[orgasm|sexually satisfying]] than a list of any other number of things. Often to obtain maximum [[humour]], the third thing in the list breaks the pattern set up by the other two. It is an important [[comedy]] writing technique often used in [[television]] shows, stand-up comedy routines and [[erotic]] novels. The technique can be combined with any other comedy technique including [[redundancy]], [[random humour]] and [[redundancy]]. It should not be overused, however, as the joke will fast become [[Uncyclopedia:In-jokes|stale]], [[Oprah Winfrey|stagnant]] and [[Chuck_Norris/Facts|hilarious]]. '''([[Rule of Three|more]]...)'''
 

Latest revision as of 10:07, August 27, 2015


edit Colloquialism

  • Article feature date: 2 August 2015
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  • Remove this section now.

edit 02 August 2015

Village Idiot

Colloquialisms are, you know, a bunch of mumbo-jumbo words your everyday Johnny-come-lately uses when chewing the rag, and not cool for, like, formal speech or whatever. The crincum-crancum of the common tongue is mainly used during pow-wows or bull sessions when hanging out. The word colloquial originally was about the way we talk, where the prose marches to a different drummer than writing things down and all that sort of stuff. Throwing a curved ball however, the colloquial register is about free and easy language rather than, you know, the medium. The Dictionary shows colloquialisms with the abbreviation colloq. for geeks and bookworms.

By and large, colloquial language is standalone from run-of-the-mill formal speech or writing. The mixed bag of jibba-jabba tends to bubble to the surface, once the speaker has chilled out enough to pull his/her head out of her/his ass. Babblative chit-chat may contain a bucket load of slanguage, but for all intents and purposes, is not tied to hackneyed terms at all. Other examples of colloquial language use word mash and foul language, more often than not. A colloquial name is also the nickname punters use to peg a thing or person in the place of the real name. An inflated tractor tyre pulled behind a speedboat at a holiday resort and indeed the geezer driving it, could be refered to as a doughnut, or as Doughnut by both the tourists and the locals.

Colloquialisms are a bigger ball of wax than just pidgin speak used by kids, grunts, fish-heads or donkey-wallopers. In the main, colloquial language shakes and bakes words and terms that are commonly known and easily understood by speakers of the language worldwide: "See all, ear all, say nowt. Eat all, sup all, pay nowt. An' if th'ivver does owt for nowt, allus do it for thissen." for example. Slang is a posse of phat raps home-boys use to flex they's sickness, to be down with the rat packs. Slang can sound like a load of epizootics of the blowhole to your average Mondeo-Man, as — despite slang terms being a dime a dozen — they not part of standard English, dig? (more...)

edit First-past-the-post voting

  • Article feature date: 7 August 2015
  • Feature code: {{FA|date=7 August 2015|revision= }} (Only add this after this page has saved)
  • Remove this section now.

edit 07 August 2015

Bunny-dancing-1

First-past-the-post voting is an election in which the winner is the candidate who receives more votes than any others. The outrageous notion that the highest vote-getter should be the winner has given us elected office-holders such as Adolf Hitler and Jimmy Carter; also the Oscar® for The English Patient and the Nobel Peace Prize of Barack Obama.These results explain the international academic frenzy (a veritable poll dance) to devise voting systems in which someone less popular will be the winner.

First-past-the-post (abbreviated FPTP or FPP), is a plurality voting system. Like most successful schemes, it is applied to many cases it does not fit, such as trying to fill a number of seats at the same time. Al Capone first defined the winner of an election as "the guy what gets the most votes." However, this simple statement is now problematic given the many candidates what do not get the most votes, the large number of campaign lawyers they employ, and the gullibility of the people to charges of unfairness and racism.

In 2000, non-winner Al Gore sued, demanding a recount in five Florida counties of his choosing. His mantra was, "Count Every Vote." The drive to get everyone into the voting booth became a drive to get everyone on the ballot, as both requirements were relaxed. But "the guy what gets the most votes" still won, now with only 10% of the vote. The majority hated all its politicians and demanded new solutions. Elections, like health care, yielded to the American tenet that anything that works will work better with 6,000 pages of regulations.(more...)

edit Noble gases

  • Article feature date: 14 August 2015
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edit 14 August 2015

150 dannydeckchair

The noble gases are chemical elements that, as of 1969, are listed in group 18 of the periodic table. Under their original natural condition, they were all odorless, colorless, and unreactive, and thus safe for children. In layman's terms, they were all boring. However, they were developed through experimentation to make them usable in interesting and unnatural ways. This is why the noble gases are now restricted to group 18 of the periodic table.

The six noble gases that occur naturally are helium (helion) (He), neon (Ne), argon (Ar), krypton (Kr), xenon (Xe), and radon (Rn). The one that occurs unnaturally cannot be listed here due to Uncyclopedia's current Prudery Policy. The six natural noble gases are all named after noble beings or the possessions or animal companions of noble beings in Greek, Roman or Japanese mythology. Contrary to common thought, these six gases all have uses appropriate for children. Except neon.

The first and lightest noble gas on the periodic table is used to fill balloons for two primary reasons. First, helium is lighter than air, meaning the gas will raise the balloon; and second, unlike the hydrogen that leaked from the floating airship Hindenburg, it doesn't explode over New Jersey.

Helion (later named helium) was named after the Greek sun god Helios (Greek Ἥλιος). It would have been named after the Roman sun god Sol Invictus, but nobody wanted an element named Sol Invictuson. (more...)

edit Warranty

  • Article feature date: 21 August 2015
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edit 21 August 2015

ReadingDoc

IMPORTANT PIECE OF PAPER! DO NOT BLINDLY THROW AWAY BEFORE READING. Thank you for purchasing a free copy of Uncyclopedia to read in your web browser, courtesy of Uncyclopedia Inc.! We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed making it. To guarantee your complete satisfaction with our product, we have included a 1-year limited warranty, which covers your copy starting at the moment you loaded it in your tab. Read below for the full terms and conditions prior to using this product.

For the purposes of clarifying further sections in this document, our lawyers have conveniently decided to define the following terms. They could have been happy English majors employed to work on a reputable dictionary, but they instead had to fall back on a law career and can now only enjoy offering shorthand to making reading legalese a bit easier for lesser humans. Please take the time to read this section if you want any hope of understanding the rest, assuming you can remember all of this.

  • "Agreement" - This agreement. Hope that clears up any confusion before we proceed further.
  • "Limited Warranty Period" - The time span during which this Agreement is effective.
  • "You" - Take a wild guess. If you have multiple personality disorder, this Agreement applies equally to you, you, you, and you.
  • "Product" - The Uncyclopedia website, and all the hilarious articles it contains.
  • "Reseller" - Your ISP, whether it be Comcast or your neighbor's unsecured WiFi router.
  • "The Company" - Uncyclopedia Inc. and everyone who contributes to it.

(more...)

edit Box-spring

  • Article feature date: 28 August 2015
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edit 28 August 2015

Lost in bed

A box-spring (or divan in the UK, where they don't use such common vulgarities as box) is a type of bed base. These are generally designed to give the general approximation of comfort while in the store testing the bed, but are designed to cause discomfort from the moment of installation within a home.

The construction of these nominally entitled beds typically consist of a wooden frame, covered in dust mite friendly cloth, and containing what are referred to as bedsprings. These bedsprings are tested against several criterion, known colloquially as the "four c's". These are: (more...)

  • Clarity
  • Carat
  • Color (or colour in the UK, where extraneous vowels are the preferred norm).
  • Cut
  • Certificate

Most wire coils contain some inner flaws (or inclusions in the UK), that occur in the manufacturing process. Highly skilled manufacturers work on adding these in an extremely calculated manner. The purpose of these is to allow the bed to have an initial softness or "comfort" factor, but due to these inclusions the springs will quickly weaken, deform, snap, or generally just become completely screwed up. Hairline fractures hat occur laterally along the direction of the spring are highly sought (or "saught" in the UK), along with air bubbles in the spring itself.(more...)

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