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## edit African American

• Article feature date: 4 March 2015
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### edit 04 March 2015

African-American is the racial, political, social and cultural group that includes all Americans with naturally dark skin, and specifically those with African ancestry, even though most of them weren't born in Africa and have never been to Africa themselves. Many can't find it on a map.

Americans who are not African-American are presumed white even if they were born in Africa. But white people can be African-American too, based on lineage. (For example, the old man down the street was born to missionaries in Botswana and can therefore be considered African-American despite being as pale as a pig. In fact, that's what he tells the census, just to screw it up.)

According to Columbia Law School professor Robert Hamburger, the best answer to the question, "Who is African-American?" is self-identification on the census. That is, an African-American is anyone who says he is (and, except for the example above, whites aren't exactly queueing up). Hamburger writes that, although most who use the label point to physical appearance, there is little consistency. Different regions, economic classes, and locales can assign the same individual to opposite "races."

Professor Geraldo Rivera defines an African-American as, "A person with African ancestral origins, who self-identifies, or is identified, as Black, African or Afro-Caribbean." Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart was notoriously unable to define it, but said, "I know it when I see it." Radio authority Don Imus defines an African-American as "anyone who is nappy-headed." (more...)

## edit Hydrocarbon

• Article feature date: 8 March 2015
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### edit 08 March 2015

The term Hydrocarbon comprises many groups and series within the field of chemistry and as such is a many-faceted area predominately involved with blowing things up - but this time with many useful applications and functions, promise.

Simply put, hydrocarbons are chemical species containing soot and inflamable air. This unlikely combo has stood the test of time - becoming a popular group of chemicals overtaking halides as 'Homologous series of the year' to represent coal dust and 'H' to represent blimp-gas.

Alkanes are often thought of as the simplest of the hydrocarbons, however to the informed, quite the opposite is true. Hidden beneath their basic appearance lies increasingly subtle layers of intrigues- ranging from the painfully mundane (picking up their kids from the creche ect) to overwhelmingly complex (Reviewing the top ten sonic slashfics on FanFiction.net).They have the general formula $C_{n}H_{2n+2}$ where n is the number of grains of soot put into the witch's pot before formulating the alkane.This general formula however doesn't account for side chains formed when too many farts get near the conical test tube thingy whatever device.The simplest alkane is in fact Fartium which consists of but one soot granule beset on all sides by pockets of common laboratory runoff. You may have already deduced that this means everybody who has ever farted has ingested coal at one point in their lives (don't lie this is an empirical FACT you creepy charcoal junkies). (more...)

## edit Worst bumper stickers

• Article feature date: 13 March 2015
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Bumper stickers occupy the bumpers of cars and bear short, pithy slogans. The worst bumper stickers of all time are those that are the worst at making any sense — if one thinks about it. Unfortunately, that is a huge "if". Most voters believe that anything that rhymes, alliterates, or uses perky colors must be based in wisdom. These worsts may in fact be bests, as any slogan that lets a politician prevail without making sense is a God-send.

The writers of such bumper stickers can get corner desks in a Congressional office where they can spend decades doing nearly no work, on their way to a pension paid for by chumps who do: a sinecure almost as alluring as that of his boss — and without the pesky business of voting on bills. Some candidate bumper stickers do not even state the office for which he is running.

Most bumper stickers bear only the name of the candidate, and even conceal which political party he is in. Indeed, if sufficiently vague, hundreds of voters will slap them on their cars — at which point the pointless sticker starts to make its point: Everyone else is for me. Which somehow becomes a compelling reason for you to be for me as well. Ideally, so many people buy this that the candidate can waltz to the legislature without ever making a point at all.

Political columnists have duly noted that this slogan "covers everything from Christ to Hitler." No matter. Whatever results from the next election has got to be better than what we have now, right? Yes, we can! In a similar way, the obvious question, which no one has ever asked, is: Yes, we can...do what? (more...)

## edit Jeb Bush

• Article feature date: 18 March 2015
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### edit 18 March 2015

John Ellis Bush (born February 11, 1953) is a son of George H.W. Bush ("Bush 41") and younger brother of George W. Bush ("Bush 43"), whom many people are touting as "Bush 45" assuming that yet another Presidential campaign between a Bush and a Clinton will be more nearly winnable than waiting for new ideas from the Republican Party.

Jeb was governor of Florida from 1999 to 2007. This gives him a record of executive experience a voter could study which, unlike that of Hillary Clinton, does not feature cover-ups, "bimbo" eruptions, or murdered ambassadors. He even killed 1 mass-transit project, and that is more than the other two President Bushes combined, though Florida voters did a brief end-run around him and resurrected it, at which time, he drove a stake through its heart, cremated it, and opened the urn in a tornado. In fact, the only storm on his horizon is not his past but the stuff that continues coming out of his mouth in the present.

Jeb was born in Midland, Texas, at a time when most Texans were preoccupied either reading J.R.R. or trying to determine who killed J.R. It will surprise the reader to learn that "Jeb" is an acronym for Jeb's given name — and a damned better acronym than U.S.A. P.A.T.R.I.O.T., which should have occurred to his brother George W. after the September 11 attacks. If he had named it the Jeb Act, we would not have to futz with secret anti-terrorism courts and could have put telescreens right in living rooms by now.

In fact, it was not until the age of 34 that the family gave Jeb any nickname at all, a slight that surely weighs on the adult. With being passed over in favor of his father and older brother for President, these continuing slights suggest that this obvious third fiddle might compensate by returning to the Middle East or even starting a personal nuclear war. However, either decision could set the stage for a pity-based re-election campaign in 2020, the first since Hubert Humphrey confessed that his campaign sucked and threw himself on the mercy of the American electorate. Focus groups are already testing slogans such as, "What is he, chopped liver?" (more...)

## edit Raphael

• Article feature date: 23 March 2015
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### edit 23 March 2015

Raphael (1483-1520), he of the sickly smiling Madonna and Child paintings, the School of Athens fresco at the Vatican and the Galatea slap-on work, hasn't aged so well as regards his artistic reputation. No one cites him as an influence except the purveyors of the chocolate box school of artists whose work can often be found staring down at you from Catholic Church cathedrals. Raphael lived well and died in his late 30s, just before he would have lost his hair and developed a paunch.

Raphael became exceedingly filthy rich, successful and the toast of Renaissance Rome. He must have been insufferable to all those who crossed his path: Leonardo da Vinci and Michelangelo could rare agree on anything but both hated the 'boy' with intense passion, especially Michelangelo who was rumoured to have been turned down for a bit of man-on-man action with the young pretender when they both worked on the Sistine Chapel. He could have become a saint except in the manner of his death - a heart attack after some rigorous in-studio rogering of his favourite mistress Margherita Luti.

Born Raffaello Sanzio da Urbino, 'Raphe' grew up with angelic kiss-me-quick hair curls and a smile that got him a lot of work - and clients amongst the cassock lifters in the Roman Catholic Church. These were the days before Martin Luther's banging rude jokes on church doors and at time when the Papacy was in a full, florid corruption that so angered the sober sided Christians that they would later smash up churches in the manner of Gaiseric the Vandal a thousand years earlier.

Blessed with Italian pretty boy genes and a smeary palette, Raphael soon showed he knew how to get work. This essentially meant from two sources: The Catholic Church or rich italians who wanted to boast of their achievements and attractions with portraits. Others wanted suitable cultural pagan myths illustrated for bedroom stimulation. In reply, Raphael just gave them a lot of Madonnas with Jesus sitting pretty on her lap. (more...)

## edit NBC

• Article feature date: 28 March 2015
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### edit 28 March 2015

NBC is an American television corporation. During television's "golden age," NBC was a big member of the "Big Three," which tirelessly presented the same content as its two rivals.

In the modern era, NBC has split into dozens of niche channels and projects, which swim in every American's video bloodstream like an antibody looking for an infectious idea to latch onto and destroy.

NBC was begun by the Radio Corporation of America (RCA), eventually to stand proudly alongside CBS and ABC. This was the reassuring 20th Century, in which everything big had a three-letter abbreviation. There was no torture of terrorists but merely DOD, and RET to the ROK, and welfare was simply HUD and HEW, and even spoke English without an African American accent, LOL. It was a nation where Grandpa still had decades left before discovering that permanent foreign involvement and the welfare state didn't work — and even after he did, he would keep getting checks in the mail from the SSA.

RCA had acquired two radio stations, WJZ in Newark and WEAF in New York City. RCA was perturbed that WEAF had more than three letters, and no less perturbed that no one could listen to both stations at the same time (as people had at most one radio).

At the time, no one wanted to listen to even one radio station, and they did so only because the only alternative was going outdoors and listening to sirens and gunshots. The scientists of the day were experimenting with using radio to send pictures as well as sounds, and RCA management was experimenting with running two businesses without two staffs. "We are starting a network" became a more pleasing posture than, "We are firing all the employees and keeping their pay."(more...)