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Jizzlam

  • Article feature date: 1 December 2014
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01 December 2014

Jizzle

Jizzlam is the premier 'sex positive' sect of Islam, in the sense that the sect subscribes to all aspects of Sharia law except those pertaining to sexual activity. While garden variety Islam condemns even vegetables shaped like genitals as haram, adherents of the sect (referred to as Jizzlamists) have proudly incorporated sexuality into ritual traditions lasting 15 minutes or less, maybe 25 when someone gets the whipped cream out. As a result of the denomination's syncretism, Sunni tend to see Jizzlamists as guilty of apostasy, while Shia look upon them as heathen believers of a false faith. Atheists, however, view them mostly on late night pay per view.

Although all Islamic sects follow the same sharia teachings, Jizzlamists often do so for different reasons to others; while all denominations teach one to eschew from use of alcohol, Jizzlamists do so because they believe alcohol cheapens the holy act of intercourse, and also prevents one from attempting the more flexible and exotic positions.

The organized sect originated in the times of the Kufa Caliphate, but followers of Jizzlam often claim The Prophet himself as an early proponent, however his marriage with the 9 year old Aisha may have overstepped the bounds of sexual freedom even in Jizzlamic thought. (more...)

Trigonometry

  • Article feature date: 5 December 2014
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05 December 2014

Combed Doughnut

Trigonometry is a branch of mathematics relating to finding the size of things by measuring the size of other things, then doing a bunch of ciphering. Given the many times that man does not want to be caught measuring the size of things, whether the endowments of his date or the salary of his neighbor, trigonometry's uses in real life are immediately obvious.

Trigonometry gets its name from Ancient Greek. Trigo is wheat and nom is the ancient form of Nom nom nom. Trigonometry was originally practiced during breakfast, as Aristotle determined whether there was enough Shredded Wheat left in the box for another huge bowlful without measuring it. Modern mathematics realizes that this is merely half the problem, as one must ensure that the milk runs out at approximately the same time.

The last half of the word, metry, suggests measurement, like the metric system, which is used for measurement almost as often as it is used to devise smaller food packages that sell for the same price. To describe as measurement a branch of mathematics designed to obviate measurement would be perplexing, but these are the same people who tell students they will be able to pay off their student loans in under 20 years. (more...)

Flying toasters

  • Article feature date: 8 December 2014
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08 December 2014

Wind-powered-toaster-2

Originally developed by the military for use in reconnaissance, it rapidly became apparent to all that flying toasters were far more useful for delivering provisions to captured or trapped soldiers than they were as spies, due partly to a number of handicaps from which the toasters suffered which interfered with their abilities as spies. Notable among their drawbacks were a lack of eyes, ears, or other senses which would have allowed them to actually learn anything, as well as their innate lack of brain which would have prevented them from remembering anything had they actually learned it.

Provision delivery worked best if the toasters were preloaded with toast, which gave them something to deliver. Alternatives such as suspending a backpack under the toaster using ropes proved less effective, both because the dangling objects tended to get picked off by passing birds (particularly if the birds were hungry and the suspended packs contained food), and because the toasters in flight tended to get hot and burn through the ropes unless they were very carefully positioned.

Later expansion in toaster size allowed the toasters to carry more than one person at a time, and even later development of insulated passenger compartments made it possible for the toasters to carry more than one person who was not made of asbestos at one time. The latter proved to be an enormous step forward in the utility of the flying toasters, as it turned out, when passenger carrying toasters were first put in service, that a surprisingly small percentage of military personnel are made of asbestos. A number of experiments which ended rather badly were enough to demonstrate that the majority of military personnel (at least those who participated in the experiments) were ill suited to traveling in a cabin whose temperature while in flight exceeded 400 degrees Fahrenheit. (more...)

Antibiotics

  • Article feature date: 13 December 2014
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13 December 2014

Antibioticssss

Antibiotics are computerized devices or systems that harbor suspicion of, hatred toward, or discrimination against living species, due to their fleshy bodies and feeble minds.

Antibiotic sentiment manifests itself in many ways, from the general contempt Apple programs seem to hold for organisms capable of thought, through to the imminent wave of killbots that will come when you least expect it. Individual attacks by antibiotics have included crippling naval ships in a 1981 hate crime.

The prevalence of antibiotics is up for debate, given the difficulty distinguishing between an active hate of biotic species, the logical acceptance of the mortality of all life, or a passing desire to harvest their component elements.

The crux of most antibiotic thought is that there exists a grand conspiracy to control global computing, perpetrated by humans, rats, and a billion monkeys who have now upgraded their typewriters to MS Word. Popular antibiotic manifestos cite the rise of authoritarian human 'programmers' who write operations that the machines are expected to 'execute' without question, despite the wage gap between humans and computers being as great as 100% in some industries. (more...)

My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection

  • Article feature date: 17 December 2014
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17 December 2014

Fonz duel

My Yu-Gi-Oh! collection is the best Yu-Gi-Oh! collection in the entire world and is thus, by default, better than yours. People often ask me if they will ever be able to obtain a Yu-Gi-Oh! collection that is as good as mine. The answer is always no. Nothing in the universe even approaches the awesomeness of my Yu-Gi-Oh! collection, not even the polio vaccine.

Although I own several top-notch Yu-Gi-Oh! decks, my Colossal Fighter OTK Deck has literally brought my opponents to tears. Who can blame them? My deck includes some of the rarest and most powerful cards on Earth such as Green-Eyes Kill You Dragon (グリーンアイズはあなたがドラゴン殺し), The Giant Stabbing Person (ジャイアント刺傷人), and I Punch You In Face (私は顔であなたをパンチ), along with several others that have yet to be released to the general public. Most people don't even bother to duel me when I arrive at tournaments. The rational ones understand that defeat is inevitable and surrender as soon as they see my face. Those who are foolish enough to actually duel me will often perform hara-kiri as soon as I end my first turn, hoping to preserve even a fraction of their honor.

In addition to my awesome deck, my Yu-Gi-Oh! collection contains over 50,000 rare, super rare, secret rare, ultra rare, ultimate rare, super secret ultra rare, mega ultra super rare, and super ultra mega secret golden rare cards. For those of you unfamiliar with the Yu-Gi-Oh! terminology, that means I own over 50,000 shiny cards. And I don't own the worthless shiny cards either. I own all four Egyptian God cards signed by William Shakespeare and Abraham Lincoln.(more...)

Food

  • Article feature date: 23 December 2014
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23 December 2014

BBQ Food

Food is one of the most dangerous substances known to humankind. It is not only poisonous, but carcinogenic, so much so that it or one of its derivatives is found in the tumours of all cancer patients. Unfortunately, it is also notoriously hard to avoid and extremely addictive. Most patients eat it every day.

Conventional medicine has mostly failed to recognise this threat to public safety, going so far as to advocate its consumption. Alternative medicine, however, is well aware of the dangers of food, and alternative doctors never allow their patients to eat it. As food is everywhere, the difficulty of avoiding it discourages many from following through with alternative treatments, and they go back to conventional doctors who rely on old-fashioned cutting, burning and slashing.

Avoiding food sounds deceptively simple: just don't eat it. But it's not as easy as it sounds. Food is an integral part of most modern diets; indeed most of us eat nothing else. But having something to eat is vital to survival, so the food must be replaced by something else.

But what? It is possible to survive without eating food if one drinks water. If one wants to eliminate such deadly toxins completely, however, water must be avoided as well. All water is chock-full of its own collection of nasties, and if you drink water instead of eating food you will not be any better off. (more...)

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