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Colloquialism

  • Article feature date: 2 August 2015
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02 August 2015

Village Idiot

Colloquialisms are, you know, a bunch of mumbo-jumbo words your everyday Johnny-come-lately uses when chewing the rag, and not cool for, like, formal speech or whatever. The crincum-crancum of the common tongue is mainly used during pow-wows or bull sessions when hanging out. The word colloquial originally was about the way we talk, where the prose marches to a different drummer than writing things down and all that sort of stuff. Throwing a curved ball however, the colloquial register is about free and easy language rather than, you know, the medium. The Dictionary shows colloquialisms with the abbreviation colloq. for geeks and bookworms.

By and large, colloquial language is standalone from run-of-the-mill formal speech or writing. The mixed bag of jibba-jabba tends to bubble to the surface, once the speaker has chilled out enough to pull his/her head out of her/his ass. Babblative chit-chat may contain a bucket load of slanguage, but for all intents and purposes, is not tied to hackneyed terms at all. Other examples of colloquial language use word mash and foul language, more often than not. A colloquial name is also the nickname punters use to peg a thing or person in the place of the real name. An inflated tractor tyre pulled behind a speedboat at a holiday resort and indeed the geezer driving it, could be refered to as a doughnut, or as Doughnut by both the tourists and the locals.

Colloquialisms are a bigger ball of wax than just pidgin speak used by kids, grunts, fish-heads or donkey-wallopers. In the main, colloquial language shakes and bakes words and terms that are commonly known and easily understood by speakers of the language worldwide: "See all, ear all, say nowt. Eat all, sup all, pay nowt. An' if th'ivver does owt for nowt, allus do it for thissen." for example. Slang is a posse of phat raps home-boys use to flex they's sickness, to be down with the rat packs. Slang can sound like a load of epizootics of the blowhole to your average Mondeo-Man, as — despite slang terms being a dime a dozen — they not part of standard English, dig? (more...)

First-past-the-post voting

  • Article feature date: 7 August 2015
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07 August 2015

Bunny-dancing-1

First-past-the-post voting is an election in which the winner is the candidate who receives more votes than any others. The outrageous notion that the highest vote-getter should be the winner has given us elected office-holders such as Adolf Hitler and Jimmy Carter; also the Oscar® for The English Patient and the Nobel Peace Prize of Barack Obama.These results explain the international academic frenzy (a veritable poll dance) to devise voting systems in which someone less popular will be the winner.

First-past-the-post (abbreviated FPTP or FPP), is a plurality voting system. Like most successful schemes, it is applied to many cases it does not fit, such as trying to fill a number of seats at the same time. Al Capone first defined the winner of an election as "the guy what gets the most votes." However, this simple statement is now problematic given the many candidates what do not get the most votes, the large number of campaign lawyers they employ, and the gullibility of the people to charges of unfairness and racism.

In 2000, non-winner Al Gore sued, demanding a recount in five Florida counties of his choosing. His mantra was, "Count Every Vote." The drive to get everyone into the voting booth became a drive to get everyone on the ballot, as both requirements were relaxed. But "the guy what gets the most votes" still won, now with only 10% of the vote. The majority hated all its politicians and demanded new solutions. Elections, like health care, yielded to the American tenet that anything that works will work better with 6,000 pages of regulations.(more...)

Noble gases

  • Article feature date: 14 August 2015
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14 August 2015

150 dannydeckchair

The noble gases are chemical elements that, as of 1969, are listed in group 18 of the periodic table. Under their original natural condition, they were all odorless, colorless, and unreactive, and thus safe for children. In layman's terms, they were all boring. However, they were developed through experimentation to make them usable in interesting and unnatural ways. This is why the noble gases are now restricted to group 18 of the periodic table.

The six noble gases that occur naturally are helium (helion) (He), neon (Ne), argon (Ar), krypton (Kr), xenon (Xe), and radon (Rn). The one that occurs unnaturally cannot be listed here due to Uncyclopedia's current Prudery Policy. The six natural noble gases are all named after noble beings or the possessions or animal companions of noble beings in Greek, Roman or Japanese mythology. Contrary to common thought, these six gases all have uses appropriate for children. Except neon.

The first and lightest noble gas on the periodic table is used to fill balloons for two primary reasons. First, helium is lighter than air, meaning the gas will raise the balloon; and second, unlike the hydrogen that leaked from the floating airship Hindenburg, it doesn't explode over New Jersey.

Helion (later named helium) was named after the Greek sun god Helios (Greek Ἥλιος). It would have been named after the Roman sun god Sol Invictus, but nobody wanted an element named Sol Invictuson. (more...)

Warranty

  • Article feature date: 21 August 2015
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21 August 2015

ReadingDoc

IMPORTANT PIECE OF PAPER! DO NOT BLINDLY THROW AWAY BEFORE READING. Thank you for purchasing a free copy of Uncyclopedia to read in your web browser, courtesy of Uncyclopedia Inc.! We hope you enjoy reading it as much as we enjoyed making it. To guarantee your complete satisfaction with our product, we have included a 1-year limited warranty, which covers your copy starting at the moment you loaded it in your tab. Read below for the full terms and conditions prior to using this product.

For the purposes of clarifying further sections in this document, our lawyers have conveniently decided to define the following terms. They could have been happy English majors employed to work on a reputable dictionary, but they instead had to fall back on a law career and can now only enjoy offering shorthand to making reading legalese a bit easier for lesser humans. Please take the time to read this section if you want any hope of understanding the rest, assuming you can remember all of this.

  • "Agreement" - This agreement. Hope that clears up any confusion before we proceed further.
  • "Limited Warranty Period" - The time span during which this Agreement is effective.
  • "You" - Take a wild guess. If you have multiple personality disorder, this Agreement applies equally to you, you, you, and you.
  • "Product" - The Uncyclopedia website, and all the hilarious articles it contains.
  • "Reseller" - Your ISP, whether it be Comcast or your neighbor's unsecured WiFi router.
  • "The Company" - Uncyclopedia Inc. and everyone who contributes to it.

(more...)

Box-spring

  • Article feature date: 28 August 2015
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28 August 2015

Lost in bed

A box-spring (or divan in the UK, where they don't use such common vulgarities as box) is a type of bed base. These are generally designed to give the general approximation of comfort while in the store testing the bed, but are designed to cause discomfort from the moment of installation within a home.

The construction of these nominally entitled beds typically consist of a wooden frame, covered in dust mite friendly cloth, and containing what are referred to as bedsprings. These bedsprings are tested against several criterion, known colloquially as the "four c's". These are: (more...)

  • Clarity
  • Carat
  • Color (or colour in the UK, where extraneous vowels are the preferred norm).
  • Cut
  • Certificate

Most wire coils contain some inner flaws (or inclusions in the UK), that occur in the manufacturing process. Highly skilled manufacturers work on adding these in an extremely calculated manner. The purpose of these is to allow the bed to have an initial softness or "comfort" factor, but due to these inclusions the springs will quickly weaken, deform, snap, or generally just become completely screwed up. Hairline fractures hat occur laterally along the direction of the spring are highly sought (or "saught" in the UK), along with air bubbles in the spring itself.(more...)

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