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Screaming Lord Sutch

  • Article feature date: 5 June 2015
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05 June 2015

Lord Sutch

Screaming Lord Sutch originally David Edward Sutch, was Prime Minister of the UK and leader of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party (OMRLP). Lord Sutch is renowned as one of the greatest leaders of the Official Monster Raving Loony Party, alongside Howling Laud Hope. He was given the honorary title of Screaming Lord by Her Majesty the Queen after he successfully led the UK Government through the recession and into a brick wall.

Lord Sutch also had a notable secretive criminal career and was almost caught in the shower during a police raid, but he made a clean getaway. David (as he was then) was born on a date, after his mother, Elizabeth Sutch, ate four dates of the pack of five, leaving the last on the end of her hospital bed. During his childhood, Sutch dedicated his time to political studies. He read Marx's "The Cucumber Manifesto", Plato's "The Only Way is Loony", Aristotle's, "You're Loony and You Know It" and Mill's "On Meth". Sutch was inspired by these works of Loonyism to take a political stance as a Raving Loony from a very young age.

In the first part of his life (from when he was born up until the second part of his life), Screaming Lord Sutch not only created the Official Monster Raving Loony Party but took it with him to glory. In 40 years, it went from being a minor party that only just beat the Social Democrat Party in every bi-election to the most popular political party in the UK, where he formed his government in 2010, lasting until his premature death in January 2013. (more...)

Audiophile

  • Article feature date: 11 June 2015
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11 June 2015

PirateRadioRig

An Audiophile is not someone who is sexually attracted to sound. Technically, even a "moaner" is not an audiophile. Rather, an audiophile is someone who accumulates a room full of audio equipment.

The ostensible purpose of being an audiophile is to get the best sound possible. This happens in one of two places:

  • In the audiophile's tiny apartment next to the train tracks where the neighbors call the police if the volume is above 2, or
  • In the audiophile's tiny Hyundai shifted into 4th gear so he can hear the music over the sound of grinding aluminum.

Audiophilia began in the 1970s, when many baby boomers were incredibly rich and bored. They had decided that their parents' perfectly acceptable console stereos did not satisfy their inexplicable need to have true, high-fidelity sound.

American capitalism instantly moved to meet this need. Stereo shops sprang up everywhere to sell component stereos. These products were better than console stereos for the following reasons:

  • They comprised ten or fifteen different boxes that required their own bookshelf (with no books) instead of a single primitive box that did everything;
  • Each of the components had an exotic brand name that sounded either German or Japanese; and
  • The total cost was ten times as high.

The increased cost put the new hobby out of the reach of the untrained ear of the common person, while the ability to pick components from different manufacturers suited the audiophile's desire to prove that he was not a mere sucker for an attractive sales pitch, but rather, for many.

The stated benefit of audiophilia is building an audio system that will precisely reproduce sound. The actual benefit, of course, is snobbery. The audiophile claims to be the only person in the room who can distinguish the "deep, robust" sound of his four-figure component stereo system from the boom box balanced on DeShawn's shoulder. (more...)

United Kingdom general election, 2015

  • Article feature date: 17 June 2015
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17 June 2015

GEMinorPartySlogan

The United Kingdom general election, 2015 took place on the 7th May 2015 to allow the two institutions of the BBC and the City of London to compete in deciding who runs the country for the next 5 years. The result of the general election was the longest list of resignations since Jeremy Clarkson's catering team left the BBC with him. Eventually the entire British political system resigned, explaining why it no longer decides who runs the country today.

The major parties in the UK general election 2015 were chosen through a careful vetting process by the BBC's Political Betterment Determination Department. Apart from the Conservative Party, each major party stood as an alternative to the status quo, even the Liberal Democrats, who had formed part of the previous status quo government and so ended up standing against themselves - something they did with spectacular success.

The Conservative Party was led by David Cameron, whose wife Samantha (known to her media friends as Sam Cam) has a dolphin tattoo. After going to Eton, “Dave” wanted to be a lorry driver, but left to become a Prime Minister because he couldn’t stand the bullshit and politics. He is the thirteenth cousin of Kim Kardashian, both sharing a common ancestor landowner and prolific womaniser, Sir William Spencer. He is also related to Winston Churchill, Winston Cigarettes and Winston Wolf.

The Conservatives' main pledges were to eliminate poor people, make course specific cutlery and silver service compulsory for truck stops, and replace sweary TV chefs with harp concertos. Their campaign strategy simply consisted of sticking their fingers in their ears and repeatedly shouting "the economy!" every time any other issue was brought up by other parties. (more...)

Chamber pot

  • Article feature date: 23 June 2015
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23 June 2015

Chamberpot poem

A Chamber pot is a medium-sized bowl that receives human waste products for as long as their owner decides to keep them in his sight.

The chamber pot shows how something utterly ineffective can capture the world’s attention, and become a significant indicator of economic development, an important object of philosophical study, and an essential literary symbol. The invention of the chamber pot is an event of particular historical note.

Prior to it, for thousand years, during the dawn of humanity, man, mostly unbathed, unshaved and piss poor, ran around naked and passed waste wherever he passed. After a while, the entire Earth was humanity’s chamberpot. Still, it was not until there was enough youth, full of piss and vinegar and hence capable of pissing like racehorses, to alarm the greatest minds into inventing something that would, if not retain the human urge to leave an imprint on his surroundings, then at least make it seem like things, big and small, were under his control.

Humanity slowed down its pace, even if only for a while, invented the chamberpot and went on pissing around, as naked, unbathed and unshaved as previously. And when confronted with the child of its progress, full of God-knows-what and, all in all, not worth a fragrant fart, the man, scornful and po-faced, realized what he had gotten himself into, moved on and invented water-closets. The chamber pot tends to be noticed mainly when it is full, and is used mostly by children (who represent the dawn of humanity). Still, its invention marked the transition between the era when humans did not have a pot to piss in and the one when they did. (more...)

UnNews:U.S. corners Palestine rubble futures market

  • Article feature date: 30 June 2015
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30 June 2015

GazaWater1

SAFED, Palestine - U.S. President Barack Obama signed an agreement with Palestinean President Mahmoud Abbas today to trade in the processing of the region's urban rubble, having failed to reach any agreement to stop creating it.

The so-called Trans-Palestinian Partnership will gradually phase out tariffs, duties, inspections, and the role of the U.S. Congress in the movement of Grade A broken concrete blocks across national boundaries.

It was non-alcoholic beverages and mild gratitude to Allah as Mr. Abbas and Mr. Obama publically declared that a Palestine/US economic future "is buried firmly in the trenchant rubble that plagues our streets."

In a candid interview on Israel TV, Mr. Obama said he has thrown in the towel on a peace agreement between Israel and a Palestinian state, as he could hardly get his head around the Wikipedia entry, let alone reason with Abbas. Mr. Obama said at least all parties were better off with a financial agreement in the raw-materials sector.

The employment rate in Palestine also increased by 0.6%, as tens of Palestinians rushed to join the President's new "Palestinian Rubble Liberation Union (PRLU)". At the same time, a "Fatah Debris and General Workers Union" was formed to protect the PRLU Union members from the PRLU, and a "Hamas Union of Fragments" to protect the already established Islamic Rubble Movement. (more...)

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