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Color guard

  • Article feature date: 25 December 2015
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25 December 2015

Guard 19

The Color guard (also known as flag twirlers or pole dancers) is the most colorful section of the marching band. The corps is a notably less attractive but far more intelligent counterpart to cheerleaders, whom they absolutely hate. The main role of a color guard is to distract judges and to brutally maim band members who happen to be in the wrong place. The typical color guard comprises mostly girls but sometimes has one or two boys — normally flaming homosexuals. Color guard is internationally hailed as the "Sport of the Arts." In fact, it is neither. (more...)

Stockbroker

  • Article feature date: 31 December 2015
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31 December 2015

Trading floor

A stockbroker is a person who helps you buy or sell shares, which represent ownership in a public corporation. The stockbroker works for a brokerage house. A stockbroker is one of several professions called middlemen. This means they stand in the middle, between you and what you want to achieve. Without this middleman, you'd never get there: That belief is the is the basis for the entire profession. (more...)

Tax

  • Article feature date: 9 January 2016
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09 January 2016

Queenbirdflip

Taxes are compulsory payments of money. Other such payments include blackmail, extortion, getting mugged in the Soho district of New York City, getting mugged pretty near anywhere else, having Junior rifle through your dress trousers for small bills, and recouping the amount by raiding Junior's piggy bank while he sleeps. In contrast to all of the above, taxes are lawful. This feat is achieved by having the people shaking down the cash be the same people who also write the laws.

The ostensible reason for taxes is to raise money that allows government to function. Taxes let government maintain the armed forces, the courts, and the police, although there is plenty left over to harmonize dog licenses, fund outlandish green-energy schemes, and send to Brazil on the condition that the state-run airline buys its jet engines from a key political donor.

The actual reason for taxes is to let politicians grant favors to people who contributed to, and voted for, them, and let them punish everyone else.

In the Good Old Days, there were no taxes. Everyone did what the Chief wanted. If the tribe were attacked, and the Chief thought you had no better use than to take the first volley of arrows, that is what you would do. To grow or hunt food, you would go where the Chief sent you, and turn the results over to the Chief. This was not a tax; they were all his to begin with. (more...)

UnScripts:Mad Max: Fury Road

  • Article feature date: 15 January 2016
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15 January 2016

Madmax-frd-23466

Mad Max (Mad Tom Hardy)

stands beside his car, which sits beside a road, all in a parched, post-Holocaust wasteland. Max eats a lizard and gazes at his car.

Mad Max: “My car.”

Lunchbreak over, Max gets in his car and drives away in his car, which he’s in.

Suddenly bad guys appear and chase him in his car which he is driving and is also in. The bad guys make Max (and his car) crash.

Mad Max: “My car!”

They steal his car.

Mad Max: “My car!”

They steal him...

Mad Max: ”My me!”

...and take him back to their base, Immortan Joe’s Citadel and Pre-Owned Auto Emporium.

After they arrive they chain him up, upside down, with chains that are chained to a cage, which is chained to itself. His car is elsewhere.

Mad Max: “My car!”

Max escapes. Later, the opposite of that. (more...)

UnScripts:Mad Max: Fury Road

  • Article feature date: 15 January 2016
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The Communist Manifesto

  • Article feature date: 21 January 2016
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21 January 2016

Friedrich Engels

The Communist Manifesto is the second-best-selling book ever written, and mostly obviates the other divine opus, the Bible, though it has not yet displaced it from the 1-spot. It summarises the main pillars of Communism before denying that Communism would raise itself above ordinary, common pillars. Thus it established the contradictory technique that Karl Marx used to derive arguments. As the second best-selling book ever written, it has given book publishers all over the world an extensive amount of profit from copyrights with which to secure themselves as media outlets of the bourgeoisie and create false class consciousness for the proletariat to be misguided by.

Originally entitled Manifesto of the Communist Party, the leaflet was hurriedly typed up by a political activist Karl Marx for the minor political party in order to have something to distribute around the local villages before the 1848 general election. (more...)

HowTo:Dine at a fancy restaurant

  • Article feature date: 29 January 2016
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29 January 2016

SuperFancyRestaurant

A college kid’s worst nightmare: you’re home visiting your parents, and to celebrate the occasion, they decide to take you out to some place called Le Tuyau d’Arrosage. Oh no, bro. Oh no.

This is the most important factor that will determine your survival. If you do not dress properly, you will be escorted from the establishment the minute you walk through the door. Never ever go to a high-end restaurant in a drawstring hoodie or a Yu-Gi-Oh T-shirt. To strike an impression, you must dress like you are attending a funeral.

Wear a blazer and tie. Never get food or sauce on either. Khaki pants work best, but any kind with 10 or more belt loops will do. Keep this rule of thumb in mind: the more robotic your movements and actions, the better. Do not fidget or hike up your pants. Stand up like you just took a yardstick up the rectum; do not walk like you are packing heat, or just crapped your pants.

Keep a straight face or small smile. NEVER scowl, mope, or show that you don’t want to be there in any other way. Honesty counts for nothing here.

You may realize that people all around are staring at you. Disregard them; try not to think about the fact that they are staring at you, or what they are thinking. (more...)

Carly Fiorina

  • Article feature date: 4 February 2016
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04 February 2016

Carly Fiorina

Carly Fiorina (born September 6, 1954) is an American corporate mogul, former candidate for U.S. Senate from California, and a Republican Party candidate for President in 2016.

The Fiorina campaign states that Fiorina is uniquely able to take on and defeat Hillary Clinton, as the two candidates would have two breasts apiece, compared to none for anyone else in the race from either major party. However, the much more popular Donald Trump states that Fiorina's face is "ridiculous" for a would-be U.S. President. "Just look at it."

According to a glossy campaign brochure which "has not been approved or coordinated with any candidate or candidate's committee," and is thus due all the deference as if the Koch Brothers had signed it themselves, Fiorina was born in 1954 in Austin, Texas to Madelon Montross Jueregens and Joseph Tyree Sneed III. This would mean that she began life with a different name, although this is hardly as remarkable for a woman as it was for President Les King or Baz Soetero. The former never had to run for election (outside Grand Rapids, Michigan) and the latter had the media in the palm of his cocaine-stained hand.

What's-her-name's mother was an artist (in the same way that this author is an author) and her father was an up-and-coming law school professor who took the family around the world. Fiorina attended five different high schools, including one in Ghana, but none in Kenya and never claimed to be from any of those places, even to goose sales of an autobiography. Ultimately she graduated from a mundane high school in Durham, North Carolina. (more...)

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