Telford

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“Telford is the shittiest, chavviest place in the whole god damn world.”
~ Noel Coward on Shitty Locations
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Telford.
Natives

The Town Centre viewed from the western end of Telford Shopping Centre, with the blue Telford Plaza buildings in the distance.

Telford, also known as Devious Dallas, Cloud City or Last Exit before Shifnal is situated in the Shropshire Adminstrative Urban Exclusion Zone (SAUEZ) and has a population roughly equal to that of Abuja, Nigeria. Telford is the main Town in the SAUEZ and is considered to be a world leader in the production and reproduction and rereproduction of Chavs. Famous landmarks and places worthy of a visit include The Town Park, Woodside (watch your pockets), Cascades Nightclub, the baroque architecture of Little Dawley, and of course the giant ice palace that towers above Telford's Town Centre.

Since the Shropshire Star article this entry has been invaded by every single person in Telford who isn't funny and thus is a husk of its once humourous self.

Telford is just 40 years old and is already looking like an old broiler. Its feathers are hanging out, its beak has gone all blunt and it's clucking and muckin' about looking for a bit of praise here and a birthday cake there. "Ring up Midlands today - they'll put us on show! Ring up Central, they'll put us on! We gotta promote Talford 'cos nobody else give a fivepenny firkin about our struggles."

The question has often been asked but is worth asking again- "Does Telford Exist?" Actually, no. Telford is not Telford. Telford is Wellington, Oakengates, Shrewsbury, London, Madeley, Coalbrookdale (where Abraham D was supposed to have melted his iron ore), Muxton, Dar es Salam, Paradise, the Universe and all contained in it. So sayeth the Telford Tourist Bored and the rest of the Chinquo Chenquos of Cloud Cookie Land. Telford is also reaching out towards global status as a chip shop. It has put in its latest bid and everyone on Put-Your-Feet-Up Hill are hopeful the status will be achieved so it can then be put on the front page of "Community Noos" as YET ANOTHER GREAT ACHIEVEMENT OF "THE GROWING STATE", "PEOPLE ON THE MOVE," bung ho town.

Mayor Miles Hosken and Shropshire Start controversy

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Sunnycroft near Wellington

Beginning in April 2008, The Shropshire Star newspaper published a series of print and digital reports regarding the abusive nature of the Uncylopedia article on Telford, including one report that made the front page (April 12th). Such was The Shropshire Star's passion for Telford, that they decided to knock up a cute little video in which members of the public were interviewed regarding their feelings towards Telford. Jame's Shaw's video can be found at the bottom of this article. Unfortunately for Shaw and his mean street posse, the plan backfired as the interviewees acknowledged that in fact, Telford was less than splendid. In addition, towards the beginning, a typical sound in Telford can be heard clearly- a violent car crash. In his video, Shaw says "This for example, is my old primary school where I played Worzel Gummich in my school play, nothing wrong there I think". Well James, that's a matter of opinion really isn't it? Shaw also points out a metal footbridge in some miserable looking council estate where he intimates having had his first sexual encounter (such is the norm for residents of Telford) or perhaps he was hinting at his second job as one of Telford's more high class rent-boys. To round off the exciting video, James interviews the Telford Mayor, Miles Hosken, famous throughout Telford for being the first human in history to be biologically fused with a Narwhal. Miles, a notorious Zionist Marxist, says "just let them walk down this street, knock on my door and come and have five minutes with Miles Hosken the mayor of Telford and Wrekin, I'll change their ideas". No Miles, you won't. Mr Hosken is rumoured to be looking for a fight, possibly inside a large battle dome, similar to those witnessed in Mad Max 3: Beyond Thunderdome. In a separate interview published on the Shropshire Star website, Councillor (sic) Gary Davies, Telford & Wrekin Council member for College ward, said: “The people who said these things aren’t worthy to set foot here. I’ve been in this area for 47 years and the way the community has gelled in that time has amazed me. The Telford it describes is not a place I recognise. It’s a good, friendly place and whoever wrote this rubbish knows nothing of our town or the people who live here”. Gary Davies, who is reported to have recently pulled through an Iron ore addiction, lives in a nice big house on a nice rich estate, and has never actually walked through Malinslee at night. It is said by his boyfriend that he spends most of his time either attending council meetings, rollerskating or partying at the Discotheque to his favourite Sum 41 singles. Mr Davies, Mr Hosken and The Shropshire Star, who are all rumoured not to have a sense of humour, were unavailable for comment as they were pondering over whether or not to become an hero.

History

Telford might be a New Town (though "new" in this context means crap) and was officially conceived following a brainstorming session by several eugenicists in the early 1960s who realised that an overflow town was needed for all the drug addicts, criminals, and desperate hordes being forced out of the larger rats nests of Wolverhampton and Birmingham. Construction began in 1963 and the Queen of England herself cut the tape to mark the grand opening before stepping back as the unwashed masses surged in to their new abode. Concrete was poured and is still pouring into Telford - along with glass and yep, you guessed it - more concrete and more officials who officially officiate in a very officious manner. But they give themselves top marks and lots of awards for being so....official! Yeh!Telford's conception was not without complications - the birth is still going on and doctors have said that a forced delivery is necessary, properly wrapped up of course in little devious words and chimes such as: "this is so good for you, dears! Just what you've always wanted - a fuckin' dump, but oh, so choochie!"

Industry

Penguin mug

The Wrekin hill overlooks the town

As well as being the herion capital of the 3rd moon of accention Telford has a large industrial sector which continues to produce large amounts of amino acids for the general public, it also has a huge commercial sector which allows for the members of a material based society to consume and whore themselves in to oblivion. Telford, is of course, going backwards in many respects - backwards to Neanderthal levels and beyond. Soon it won't have any industry and no jobs and then just ten million houses and roads everywhere. Telford is also known for its ineffective transport and was made famous when Tony Blair said "only during my wildest dreams have I experienced a thrill as intense as that encountered on the 44 bus from the Town Centre to Woodside"; Cherie Blair added "Yeah, it was, like, whoah". He also mentioned that he liked going "round and round on the merry-go-round of Telford's town road system." "Yes, it gave me a real New Labour thrill going round on that road. Didn't it, Chezzer, darling?". Tony was last seen in Telford ploughing down yet another green belt so that more unaffordable middle class houses could be built. His successor, Gordon Brown, is said to be considering re-sparking Telford's industry by constructing twelve replica Blist's Hill mining towns in Telford Town park.

Oh, and let's get one thing straight, Telford is the Birthplace of People who say it is the Birthplace of Kylie. But we know they're lying. Kylie's an Aussie! Or is it an Assie? Telford is also NOT the birthplace of Iron Ore; it is, however, the birthplace of the traditional British Whore.

  • Cough!*

Things to do

Sky Tiger

The M54 shown here near Junction 5 for Telford Centre, which is visible in the background to the left.

Telford boasts many tourist attractions. Such as... well let's not spoil it and tell y'all. Any other cultured and significant attractions are generally overlooked by Telford's own inhabitants. Those which are appreciated are found in the outlying area known as the Ironbridge Gorge, which was stolen by the Telford new town in a last ditch attempt to make Telford "special". Towns to the south of the Gorge (Broseley, Jackfield, Much Wenlock) were spared this fate, but as a consequence have spent 40 years fighting off marauding gangs of Telfs straying across the river.

Should you decide to venture in to Telford town center however, there are numerous attractions for those who are easily entertained. Weather permitting, you can visit wonderland and the town park, which consists of an over-priced mini golf course, a pond, an ice rink, and several acres of barren, neglected grass land which contains the odd rugby pitch. If you'd rather spend some money and invest in the local economy, you can visit the indoor shopping center and eat at classy establishments such as McDonalds and Subway, both of which use only the highest quality ingredients. Should you wish to purchase material posessions then no need to worry as there is a grand total of zero locally owned shops, only chain stores are permitted in the enclosure.

For those who really want to lap up the local culture, you can visit any one of the surrounding housing estates, such as Malinslee and Randlay. Other estates such as Madley Court and Woodside are only a short bus journey away, they are safe as fuck m8.

Design and Town Plan

Telford is divided. Separated. Split in to a number of districts: Telford Central, (where the crooks often hang out) has a number of dark tunnels under it left over from coal-mining days. These tunnels are used by unscrupulous nerds who hack into the council meeting by scurrying along them, then popping their heads up through a manhole under the table. They hear all the lies, chinanigns and stuff which goes on there - "it's like a bowl of old pickles" said, well-known commentator Shipley Typecast. Oakengates (named after its famous oaken gates), Wellington (named after someone's boot), Woodside (named after Alf Woodside, a local mafioso who demanded to have a dodgy suburb named after him), and Brookside (named after the TV soap) Randlay (after a failed family, so that the inhabitants would understand the tone of the area), and Hollinswood (after a local rape victim), are chav ridden, piss poor sod holes that boast a lower quality of living conditions than Helmand Province, Afghanistan.

Telford has a planning department that likes to approve crap buildings and stop anything approaching anything pleasing to the inhabitants. Thus the planners are all fitted with blinkers to stop them looking at anything but bog-standard, green and blue building with glass and lighter shade of pale brick or concrete. the planners like crap everywhere. if you want to build something beautiful, go to Greece, or Scotland. They think the roundabouts with pots and pans on are art!

Wellington is actually the oldest section and was originally a Roman market town famous for its large swimming pool (Which back in the day was used for the Welsh Olympic bathing games). Wellington also hosts the weekly 'Supermarket Sweep' competition which takes place outside Greggs bakery. Each section of Telford is interconnected by underground tunnels as the surface of the planet is far too hostile. All of the above is an interpretation of the truth which may or may not be strictly true within the Oxford English definition.

People of Telford

Woad Raider Chop Head

Friendly residents of Telford

The bulk of Telford's population is made up of Illegal Immigrants, National front racists and cybermen from the Doctor Who universe. The Telford mayor is actually a woman, perfectly connoting the increasing downfall and regression of civillised obedient society. Interestingly enough Telford hosts a large infestation of people from the West Midlands which is rather surprising since it is actually in the West Midlands. Unfortunately this does include 'yam yams' (residents of Wolverhampton with dodgy sounding Brummie accents). Unlike popular beliefs there are not many Nazis living in Telford; However just to name one, Nazi Tom is a resident of Randley in Telford, who spends his time fantasizing about Hitler and Margret Thatcher and enjoys removing immigrants from their homes and boycotting their shops. All in all a friendly place to live.

The further 98% of Telfords population is made up of taxi drivers, There are currently 32,537 private hire driver in Telford and the number grows by the day... this is in part due to general lack of employment in the godforsaken hellhole but mainly due to the greed of Telford & Wrekin's neo-con regime.

Interesting facts & Secrets

Telford pic4

Telford is home to 14 missile silos built during the 1st world war in the event of nuclear holocaust. The largest of which, codenamed Darby House, can be seen here.

  • After losing an election Telford Tigers were voted second most popular hockey team in Telford, just one place behind Norwich City
  • Telford is also home to the world's largest handbag who in 1967 kick started the Shropshire Acid Jazz scene. Sadly, he fell victim to a terrible disease (Rabies) and subsequently died the following year.
  • God gave up on Telford, when he came down to give enlightenment to the masses and was mugged then raped.
  • Liverpool Judas striker 'Michael Owen' trained at the sports facility in Lilleshall in the Telford district for some years before leaving to join the Islamic Militant terrorist group 'U2'.
  • You will get gang raped.
  • BBC Telford played host to the only ever episode of the BBC news presented by the highly controversial newsreader Mick Hobjob
  • Ironically, everyone in Telford hates chavs. Even though the population is roughly 85% chav, the other 15% being dillusioned and impressionable emos with their heads stuck so far up their own arse you can't tell which end is which. Popular groups against chav movement are the Anti-chav movement group. For a nominal annual fee you receive informative monthly newsletters and details on lynchings throughout the town.

The voices of Telford

  • "I'm a fucking fag" - Gasswork crew organiser
  • "A great town, made great by the Underground Generators" - Dr Who
  • "Sometimes, people often confuse me with a Chav. I tell them, "Sir I am Telford" to which they find peace of my only son" - Thomas Telford
  • "A god awful place, made worse by god awful people" - Miko Lee
  • "The best part of Telford is the road out" - Jack Off, Leader of Telford & Wrekin Council...sorry, it's now the Borough Of Telford & Wrekin...wait...hold on, it's now Telford & Wrekin Council...the rebrand only cost 45p!...HONEST!!!
  • "At times like these I wish I was dying of deep vein thrombosis" - John Prescott
  • "Let's destroy all of the footpaths"" - Telford & Wrekin Council (Formerly Wrekin Council, Beacon Baldies, etc...)
  • "We're not good enough to be part of Shropshire (formerly Shityshire)" - Shire Hall (Formerly Shite Hall)
  • "Muxton is a hellhole that consists of tramps, emos and chavs" - MR Batman
  • "Look and turn away, thats what most people do" - Telford Townie

Politics of Telford

Telford is notorious nationally for being the only district of the UK to operate under non secular laws, that is, Telford currently adheres to ShariaMaria law. ShariaMaria law is a corrpution of Sharia law which was originally introduced to the Telford district through migrants escaping oppression in nearby Shifnal. ShariaMaria law, confusingly, has absolutely nothing to do with cardiff. Adherents to ShariaMaria practice the daily worship of Subway sandwich bars as a homage to their curious blend of overpriced 'subs' and low quality microwaved ingredients. Followers of ShariaMaria are reminded that although Subway is rubbish, that it is nevertheless holy. In fact, public ridicule of Subway and other popular fast food outlets is usually met with Exile to Oswestry (A punishment that indeed no sane human would desire). According to a 2007 census, 88.3% of Telford's population identify with ShariaMaria, with 7% identifying with Hinduism and a further 7% identifying with David Cameron's Conservative Party of England, Wales and Azerbaijan. Small pockets of Jews, Muslims and Dutch are also rumoured to dwell in the more prosperous regions of Admaston, although citation is ideally required to confirm this notion.

The current MP is Phill Tarr, a long haired ginger homeless chap who has the highest record of any UK MP for getting out and about in his constituency, spending an astonoshing 100% of his working hours in and around the Telford district. Phil keeps Kosher and is a practitioner of Walt Disney. He can usually be found on the bench outside Wellington's Woolworths wielding a bottle of cheap white cider and is usually available for on the spot interviews regarding his management of the district.

It is interesting to note that the only true voice in Telford Politics is Telford Council Watch,an independent web site with the guts to tackle a number of issues and uncover the poor performance of Telford and Wrekin Council or whatever they call themselves this week.

Telford Council Watch is now offering other Communities throughout the UK a free web site so they can uncover the corrupt nature of local authorities.

Telford Council Watch is very outspoken about the bunch of wombats roaming the corridors of power.

Telford Council Watch definitely hasn't hijacked this section of the Telford article to plug its website. Rich Tory wanker Mark Pritchard approves of everything written in this article.

Ice Hockey

All EPL Teams apart from Wightlink Raiders > Telford Tigers > Solihull Barons .... Which is all that matters

Sports Teams

They have a:

  • Failed football club that was forced down 4 divisions a few seasons ago. They were also named Bangladesh's favourite football team in 1997.
  • Rubbish rugby union side.
  • Terrible golf course. We won't shame Horsehay by mentioning the name.
  • A bankrupt football team, thank you Andy Shaw: Ethiopian business man of the year 2001
  • And a partridge in a pear tree.

The only sporting achievement of note in the history of Telford happened very recently. In May 2009, Telford's failed football club - AFC Wellingrad committed their name to the 14th page of the Wellington News by beating fierce local rivals Real Ale Madrid by an innings and 59 runs in front of a bumper crowd of 8 and a half on Morrissons Car Park. This landmark victory ended a run of 189 (not very) competitive games without a win stretching back to March 1995 when they beat Manchester United (although this game was marred by allegations of database editing in Football Manager)

See Also

UnNews Logo Newspaper
This article was mentioned in the Shropshire Star, further diminishing what little credibility the media had left.
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