Telemarketing

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“Hey, get off the line! I'm trying to think up a quote here!”
~ Oscar Wilde on speaking to George Bush
“My first job, as a young lad, was to make sure the telemarketers were sparkling clean before the day began”
~ Oscar Wilde on Telemarketers

Telemarketing (sometimes known as inside sales, or telesales in the UK and Ireland) is a service provided by various corporations for the benefit of the public. Telemarketers ring up people, who in return will pay a small fee to the corporation. But it doesn't end there. The happiness felt by both parties continues as the member of the public will receive magazines which show them how life could be so much better if only they were married to Jessica Simpson or Brad Pitt.

An Overview

Telemarketers are a strange breed of human. Carefully selected because they have poor hearing and can talk and type at the same time, they rarely complain about their jobs as they spend much of their time meeting interesting, exciting people who are not afraid to tell the telemarketer what they think of them - the sign of a real friend. They are charming, witty, good looking and single, plus they NEVER forget to ring you, making them hot marriage items.

The Beginnings

Telemarketing began in 1971 as at the time there were 2.7 telephones per person in every Western nation, with the distinct exception of Canada (although few Canadians are willing to talk about what was going on there at the time). With this overflow of telephones, someone considered sending them over to Africa to be used as food although because Bono wasn't well known then it was agreed that it would have to wait. But then the great inventor, Ben Franklin, decided that what people wanted was someone to talk to. And so he became the first telemarketer, peddling marijuana to housewives. The business venture became so successful that soon he formed a company, General Motors, to cope with the demand. Telemarketing was little known to the public before people in Telemark county in Norway got their first phone line and due to a mistake made by a technician in 1973, Telemark was connected to the world wide phone network several hundred years before the local people in Telemark, the telemarketers was mentally evolved enough to respect for other peoples lives. Today most telemarketers have fled from Telemark beacause of high bounties on killed telemarketers, but the name telemarketing is still widely used.

Setbacks

But fate intervined. When Franklin was pulled over in 1973 for driving a car without wheels, it was found that he was actually high on crack, a direct violation of General Motors business plans, as marijuana was still the main product. The company considered expanding the services to allow for crack sales, but this was rejected, as unlike marijuana crack is very hard to send down a phone line. Franklin was sacked as General Motors Overlord, and the slide began. With the passing of the 1974 Telemarketers Bill, telemarketers were declared criminals in all 67 states the USA. The biggest arrests were in California and Tasmania, where by 1980 telemarketers outnumbered free citizens 7:1.

A New Hope

In 1992, former telemarketers rioted in the streets of Los Angeles, demanding that they be allowed to practise again without fear of retribution. Eventually, several countries began to remove their anti-telemarketer bills, although in some places, such as the Pentagon, telemarketers still live in small manholes, only appearing under the cover of dark! However, it is expected that this will change in the near future.

See also

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