Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or, to give their scientific name Tortiesa Adolicious Ninjitsua Mutalia (in Finnish: Teini-ikäiset Mutantti- ninjakilpikonnat) are the four results of a genetic engineering experiment gone wrong by Linux creator Linus Torvalds during his attendance at Helsinki University, in his attempt to create an affectionate mate. Instead of creating a singular human XX-chromosome female, to defend him from on-campus brutes as well as to make love to him, Torvalds' experiment spawned four YY-chromosome pizza-addicted humanoid turtles who have a fond likeness of Californian surfer slang. Something that needs to be understood in the case of the turtles is that not only are they teenage, they're teenage mutants, not only that but they are teenage mutant ninjas, on top of that they are bloody turtles! Who could ask for more?
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[edit] History
After being abandoned in a New York sewer by Torvalds, who was extremely embarrassed at the failure and later denied his involvement in their creation (some would say this is why he went into computer science), the four humanoid turtles depended upon themselves. Starvation became a daily part of life, at times they were forced to eat feces. Being genetically programmed with martial ninja moves for Torvalds' protection, the turtleoids quickly made friends with another genetic experiment gone wrong, "Splinter", who is believed to have been engineered by another famous open-source programmer, Richard Stallman. The years go by in New York City and the city has relied on a wide variety of genetically-malformed super-freak whops to protect it from other super-freaks (asking why New York City is begging the question. Seriously, dude, have you been to Battery Park after 6 PM?)
[edit] Five turtles
The four Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were also Renaissance artists in their spare time, and were responsible for such works as the famous sculpture of David Duchovny in Italy, the ceiling of the Sistine chapel, and the Leaning Tower of Pizza. The names of the turtles are:
- Luke Metcalfe (has a diphallia and uses powerful turkey slap to moisturize, oh and has ADHD)
- Leoretardo (The leader, with down syndrome, likes kissing his master's ass, though splinter wishes he would do it physically too, among other things.)
- Roseanne Barr (Armed with two forks and is a whiny emo bitch)
- David Lee (The "Purple" or the one with a POLE, has sex with everything that moves. And occasionally things which do not.)
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles raised three important questions 1) Do you need to be a turtle or a rat to be a ninja? 2) Would the world be better off with less random Asian cartoonists/cartoons? 3) How would a Jewish turtle be circumcised (seriously it has like armour and shit).
[edit] Other Characters
- Master Spitter (The turtle sensei, mutated racoon-cockroach)
- April January (The reporter from porn channel Space Platinum 6)
- Strecher (The no.1 enemy, Stretcher is energetic and vital bubble-gum)
- Casey Woods (Golf-playing retard who tries to kill four turtles, but later they are homies.)
- Blackster Stockman (The arrogant father of Shawn Stockman, the R&B singer no ones ever heard of. Blackster was born a black man until the 1987 series came out, and he turned into a white dude with long orange hair. Then by 2003, he was back to original form, like Michael Jackson.)
- Hun (Over weight Cocktail waitress from Wisconsin. He has sexual interests in the turtles and one day prays for them to notice him when he finally produces his Broadway play, "Purple Dragons".)
- Karai (The Asian chick that looks like a man. She was put on the show to balance out the sexuality and have more than one female on the show. She also temporarily changed her name to Lotus Blossom so she would seem more feminine... obviously, that didn't work)
[edit] Intensive training
There's a considerable amount of inbreeding going on here. Especially with that business with the radioactive waste, Ninglight, and Your Mother!
Being a ninja requires intensive and rigid training, so the turtles were taught by master Splinter. He was this really big mouse with splinters all over him. Unfortunately he was shredded by the Shredder whilst visiting a recycling factory. So now the Turtles faced a new dilemma, where would they find a ninja to teach them? Since there aren't many in New York they decided to make their own. So they found some dude that used a hockey mask and hockey sticks, taught him, then made him teach them back. The problem was that since the turtles were awful teachers, their 'student/teacher' became an awful 'student/teacher' too.
Like Xena, the turtles have many skills. Among the greatest is their ability to cause Ra, the cracked Egyptian Sunbird, break down in an inconsolable fit of tears.
[edit] Shell of a Town
The shell factor is one of much importance. Copy righted by, 10 gazillion dollar man Simon Cowell, the shell factor is the magnitude of spaghetti one can fling in a time lapse of 7.32654 seconds vertical. The shell factor will air 64th of April 2019, and will be hosted by Poseidon(knows a thing or two about shells). It is claimed by several pirates of South-east Asia, that The Shelll Factor will be worth its weight in 16th century dublooms. Winners receive a spoken word, self help ablbum contract, made at cross roads at 12 am.
Past winners include a list of inhuman defenders of Gotham City, that is wide and varied: Superman, Spiderman, Rudy Giulani, and many others.
Of course, all of these freaks had at least a semblance of humanity in them.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, on the other hand, were, like, an 11.0 on the WTF BBQ scale of "Who's saving New York City now?"
[edit] Who in the Shell?
Named after three dead Italian dudes and longtime Texas Rangers slugger Rafael Palmeiro, the Turtles first came into prominence for their role in the GI Joe-Transformers War of the early 1980s.
Rather than take sides, they instead invested themselves as underground archivists of the entire history. Unfortunately, having the triple disadvantage of being teenagers, mutants, and turtles made them incalculably stupid, and they actually moved underground into the sewers during the battle.
Needless to say, their monthly War Journals were pretty much just made up gibberish and crayon drawings.
It is believed that the sketchings seen on the shells of every ninja turtle is in fact....an inscribing from the great Tuba.....With each of the etchings being an uncanny resemblance to the common design seen on most turtles.
[edit] Shella Cool
All the same, when the war subsided, the Turtles realized they were really fricking hungry, and they went back to the surface, where they used their ninja skills to steal some pizza.
It was there that they ran into their longtime mentor Katie Couric, who began training them to do that cool break-dance move where you spin on your back, only they spun on their aerodynamically well-formed shells and so they could do it a lot longer than, say, Broadway star Tommy Tune.
In late 1991, Katie was suddenly killed by the evil villain The Shredder, who was actually a killer cyborg sent from the future to annihilate mankind.
The Turtles replaced her with her twin brother Splinter, a rat whose nickname derived from a permanent injury suffered during a Rutgers fraternity prank gone wrong.
[edit] Not Actually Ninjas (or Possibly Turtles)
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles are therefore not really one of those. If the truth be told.....the ninja turtles never once followed the suit of the real ninjas....such as those NINJAS at real ultimate power.....never once did they attempt to commit suicide by eating a side Frisbee....EVER!!!
[edit] Insert "Hell replaced by Shell" Pun Here
Together, the four Turtles use Real Ninja Power to kill dangerous punks, although when they're bored they sometimes just kill everyone on the A train. When they are even more bored, they open up coffins just to use them as port-a-potties!
Also, the fact that half the time, some strange un-humanlike dinosaurs are tearing down peoples' house and card stacks, is preventing them from having fun by 'leaping' buildings. This was also halted by the purple (A.k.a, the gay one) when he slipped, broke a nail, and fell into a fat women's bathroom. The second turtle says "He has never been the same."
They are the Gods of the Turtle People from the
Some people claim that Descartes in fact was a ninja turtle. This is of extremely little interest to anybody and this line should probably be removed. Corey Haim was unavailable for comment.
However Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is the best animation movie for many kids...
Except Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles < Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Wizard Of Ooze.
[edit] FAST FORWARD
Generally regarded as a shitpiece worse than the third fucking movie, Fast Forward was a cartoon whose twenty six episodes lasted three agonizing years.
Fast Forward's effects on the world have been drastic, including some random asshole in Britain's tea going cold, and the creation of popular internet icons British Serling and Colonel British Biggles. There is no known reason why this horrible cartoon is so obsessed with Britain, but its British Robots got into many terrorist shenanigans.
- In the Fast Forward series of 2105, Raph meets a boy who is also named Falcon, only this one is on the run from Constable British Biggles. He had committed the crime of voting without a fake British accent. They sign him up on O'Neil Tech's team to get him out of trouble and because he fixed the Hovershell and use his help the Turtles were able to stop Triple Threat from stealing the other cars and he and Raph win the race. However, British Biggles doesn't give a shit, and proceeds to arrest him for being anti-Britain.
- A skates-wearing girl from the planet Omatran, Starlee (against her parents' wishes) interns at O'Neil Tech, where she occasionally helps Cody Jones and the turtles. She is an expert with technology and helps the Turtles when needed. She is revealed to have a crush on Cody, and despite initial reluctance on his part, the two have begun dating. Constable British Biggles and British Serling hate her, because she is from Omatran, as opposed to a factory in Britain. She was raped in British Robots Gone Wild a pornography movie made by She-Ra, also starring Dildo of Where's My Dildo.
- Fun Fact: Cartoon Network was considering suing Mirage Studios for using "Zixx" as part of the name of useless character Torbin Zixx, as Zixx also happens to be the name of a shitty show they used to air for like three weeks.
- British Serling was considering going over to Cartoon Network and telling them to follow CNUK's example and get Toonami off the network, giving it its own shitty network with science and high school shows.
- British Serling was on some serious robot cocaine that day.
- In the Fast Forward series, it is revealed that the Silver Sentry had a grandson, who grew up to become the second Turtle Titan. He also has a retarded cousin named Timothy Robert McKinzey, who created a factory in Britain which was supposed to produce dinosaurs, but somehow ended up producing the world's first British Robots.
- Many considered Turtle Titan II to be the best character in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fast Forward, until Constable British Biggles went on a rampage, attacking everyone who did not consider him the best character in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Fast Forward.
- Fun Fact: The "DON'T TAZE ME, BRO" guy was actually tazed by Colonel British Biggles, not because he mentioned Clinton's blowjob, but because he had bashed Colonel British Biggles on the internet the previous night.
- Fun Fact II: The author of this article will probably be attacked by Colonel British Biggles next.
- Fun Fact: Triple Threat was originally going to be Constable British Biggles, British Serling, and Conan-San, but the networks decided that Conan-San would go on too many rants about PLCL, and decided to pull the plug on his celebrity career before it began.
- Jammerhead originally hosted a radio show , "Jammin' with Jammerhead", until he was yanked off the air after referring to British Serling as a "rapping lead ro'". This is the ultimate insult to British Serling, as the graphite robots have been colloquially referred to as "lead" robots ever since the Robotic Civil War of 2091, in which the graphite robots were freed from their bond of servitude to their British owners. British Serling is suffering from what many robots call "the Michael Jackson effect of 2105", and has reverted from a graphite robot to a pure metal British robot.
- Fun Fact: The author of this article just wasted 5 minutes of his life making an idiotic racial conflict metaphor.
- Fun Fact II: "Ro" is just some stupid shortening of "robot", if you were wondering. It was a pretty shitty Don Imus reference, really.
[edit] Back To The Sewers
HOLY SHIT!!! THEY HAVE PUPILS NOW!!!!
Like we needed another spin off series... The turtles finally realized that they could just use a time machine to get the 'shell' out of the future. While trying to figure out what part of the past they lived in, a computer virus with lady parts tried to kill the turtles. since they were going back to the past, she (and British serling) wouldn't be on the show anymore. They both inconspicuously tagged along, which would have been very necessary to be sneaky, since the turtles are too retarded to tell the difference anyways...
Finally, the teenagers made it back to their time. However, Splinter didn't make it because he was too busy trying to mate with Leonardo, he didn't see british serling blast him for not being british (here we go again...)
Raphael, as usual was jealous of the attention Leo got from his master, wanting to mate with Splinter himself, and even after the old rat finally dies he sulks and beats the crap out of everything that moves. He was in LOVE but Splinter always hated his guts- oh WOE AND MAJOR ANGST!
This series is widely considered to be almost as horrible as Fast Forward. It often reaches its levels of retardedness anyway.
But at least they are no longer in the future. Unfortunatly before the turtles do the decent thing and kill both April and Casey to prevent their demon spawn from exisiting in the future, all of them are impaled upon a large piece of driftwood.
This kind of put a dampner on the wedding. But they prevailed- and unfortunatly got to breed.
[edit] Quotes
- Dude pass the shell!
- I'll see you in shell!
- You maniacs! You blew it all up! oh you maniacs, maniacs! Damn you! Damn you all to shell!
- Go to shell!
- Prepare to be shellshocked.
- To shell with this!
- Tonight we dine in shell!
- The shell it is!
- Shell yeah!
- What the shell?
- Bloodyshell!
- Fuckin' Shell!
- I GO TO SHELLBANK YOU FREAKIN AMPHIBIANS, NO MORE HUDDE FOR ALL OF YA*
- I'm tired of these mothershellin' turtles on this mothershellin' plane!
- Damn right, I think they deserved to die, those bastards deserve to burn in shell!
- Winter comes and the winds blew colder
- While some grew wiser, you just grew older
- And you never listened anyway,
- And that's the shell of it.
- Like a turtle outta shell, I'll be gone when the morning comes
- Down once more to the dungeons of my black despair,
- down we plunge to the prison of my mind!
- Down that path into darkness deep as... SHELL!!!
- Man, that pizza was shella good.
- Someone is calling me on my shellphone.
- Tonight, I dine on Turtle Soup.
[edit] See also
- Tortoise
- Chuck Norris
- Teenagers
- Mutants
- Ninjas
- Turtles
- Middle-aged Mutant Ninja Tortoise
- Senior Mutant Ninja Turtles
