Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
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“We're bigger than Jesus and a piece of toast combined!”
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, or, to give their scientific name Tortiesa Adolicious Ninjitsua Mutalia (in Finnish: Teini-ikäiset Mutantti- ninjakilpikonnat) are the results of a genetic engineering experiment gone horribly wrong by Linux creator Linus Torvalds. Torvalds, during his attendance at Helsinki University, had been trying to create an affectionate mate. Instead of creating a singular human XX-chromosome female, to defend him from on-campus brutes as well as to make love to him, Torvalds' experiment spawned four YY-chromosome pizza-addicted humanoid turtles fond of Californian surfer slang.
After being abandoned in a New York sewer, the four humanoid turtles depended upon themselves. Starvation became a daily part of life. Being genetically programmed with martial ninja moves for Torvalds' protection, the turtleoids quickly made friends with another genetic experiment gone wrong, "Splinter", who is believed to have been engineered by another famous open-source programmer, Richard Stallman. The years go by in New York City and the city has relied on a wide variety of genetically-malformed super-freak whops to protect it from other super-freaks, who for some reason or another want to reak havark and end up not hurting anyone at all anyway. (Asking why New York City is begging the question, if the reader has visited Battery Park after 6 PM.)
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were also Renaissance artists in their spare time, and were responsible for such works as the famous sculpture of David Duchovny in Italy, the ceiling of the Sistine chapel, and the Leaning Tower of Pizza.
edit The Heroes
edit Intensive training
There's a considerable amount of inbreeding going on here. Especially with that business with the broken canister of glow-in-the-dark semen, a case of beer, and what your mother did with it on that sickening night of the great New York Gay-and-Lesbian Mardi Gras of 1982.
Being a ninja requires intensive and rigid training, so the Turtles were taught by Master Splinter. He was this really big mouse with splinters all over him. Unfortunately, he was shredded by the Shredder whilst visiting a recycling factory. So now the Turtles faced a new dilemma: Where to find a ninja to teach them? Since there aren't many in New York they made their own. So they found some dude who used a hockey mask and hockey sticks, taught him, then made him teach them back. The problem was that since the turtles were awful teachers, their 'student/teacher' became an awful 'student/teacher' too.
Like Xena, the turtles have many skills. Among the greatest is their ability to cause Ra, the cracked Egyptian Sunbird, to break down in an inconsolable fit of tears. Together, the four Turtles use Real Ninja Power to kill dangerous punks, although when they're bored they sometimes just kill everyone on a train. When they are even more bored, they use coffins as Porta Potties.
edit Cartoon Series (1988)
In 1986 the guys voiced themselves in a live action cartoon series. The 4 Heroes in a half shell would fight off the evil forces of The Shredder and meet some friends along the way.
edit The First Movie
In 1990 the guys played themselves in a movie. The 4 Heroes in a half shell would fight off the evil forces of The Shredder.
edit Second Movie
In 1992 the guys played themselves in a movie. The 4 Heroes in a half shell would fight off the evil forces of The Shredder.
edit Third Movie
In 1992 the guys played themselves in a movie. The 4 Heroes in a half shell would fight off the evil forces of The Shredder. Just kidding, the guys pissed on a recording camera and jokingly passed it off as a 3rd movie!
edit Nickelodeon Cartoon
In 2006 the guys voiced themselves in a cartoon series. The 4 Heroes in a half-shell fought the evil forces of The Shredder.
edit Heroes No More
In 2012 the T.M.N.T where arrested on several charges of theft, manslaughter and underage driving without a license, just to name a few. After several years of living in the sewer systems, stealing power from the N.Y.C power company, just to name yet again, a few things. It was discovered that New York resident Alpha Kenny-Wun had complained several times since 1992 that his power bills where out-outrageous. His small New York City apartment would only cost him a few thousand dollars in rent, power, gas and water. However sometime in 1992 his bills began to more than triple that, and kept rising. In 1994 Alpha put in a complaint to the New York City power company, which led to them filing an investigation with the N.Y.C.P.D and his case would be looked at as soon as possible. Cut to 2012 when the case was finally investigated, and investigators found that Alpha's power supply had been hacked into and the cause was several hundred feet below his apartment, where the police found and raided an abandoned railway station that was discovered to be the TMNT's lair. The clan had plugged into his power supply to generate power for their Hilton sized underground home.
edit The arrest of Donatello
Police soon arrested Donatello for being the ring leader who tapped into his above neighbors power supply, as well as several accounts of hacking into Alphas cable TV, Internet and using Alpha's credit card details to open an account on a XXX website called GreenScreamQueensQueefing.com. Soon followed the arrest of the other 3 turtles and their master. This only lead to more disaster as the police discovered more about these former and so-called heroes of the city. This was the downfall of the TMNT's good name as being the good guys.
edit Stolen Goods and WOMD's
It was soon discovered that the turtles had modified a van that they had not purchased. They did not own the pink slips to it, nor did any of them even have a drivers license. Not to mention that they where under the age of 17 when they began driving. The Van had been equipped with stolen computer parts and advanced hacking devices, which was two charges in one, but that wasn't the biggest problem, the Van was also equipped with a laser attached to a chair that swung out the side of the vehicle. Not only was it not safe and a hazard to safety, but it also could be used as a weapon of mass destruction. This had the authorities label the group as terrorists with no concern to human life who would be shot with it.
edit Leonardo's Silence of the Lambs case
If things didn't look bad enough. Inside Leonardo's room it was discovered he enjoyed dressing up as women and making out with his fellow brothers, disguised as a female turtle. Inside Leonardo's closet they unveiled the remains of several female corpses missing their entire chests, where the cut marks matched those of Leonardo's kitana blades. Leonardo pleaded guilty to 16 counts of manslaughter, all just to create himself the perfect boob suit. Upon hearing this, Raphael attempted to kill his fellow brother screaming, "You mean there is no Venus DeMilo? It was you sucking my *bleep* the whole time?"
edit Mikey Whipwrecked
Michelangelo was arrested for mugging over 200 people. Mikey claimed they where all bad dudes, however. Each time he kicked a bad guys ass, he would steal their money which he later would spend on pizzas and Hawaiian shirts. Several accusations that Mikey also was addicted to phone sex arose. When asked who placed over 17,000 calls to a specific number using neighbor Alpha's credit card, Mikey responded "No way, dude. I never jerk off to a fat bitch in Brooklyn while munching on Cheetos."
edit Guilty Verdict
All 4 turtles where charged as being accomplices to several crimes, ranging from 1985 to 2012. As it was also tracked back to prior to 1991 the turtles had a hidden lair in the sewer that they had also tapped into other peoples utilities for themselves.
Raphael tried to plead he was innocent, saying he had nothing to do with anything. He didn't even know he was doing wrong. But when being traced back to being a vigilante, things got worse for him. His defense was, "Come on, how can I be a vigilantee, we already where, weren't we? I mean, wait, that's not what I meant, I mean, sure, I kicked a few guys butts, sure, I stole their money, hey, it's not like we can go out and get jobs, look at us. How do you expect us to work and make a living, huh? We kick the bad guys butt, and we take their money, not as a reward, but as a way to live. We may not be human, but we are alive, and we have hearts, and feeling, and you know..." Raph tears up, and continues, "We're our only family, you know, no one else will take care of us?".
Raph delivered the same heart warming speech while being examined in court. The entire courtroom teared up with him, even the judge. It looked like perhaps deep down, the turtles where not so bad after all. They where just ninjas trying to get by. That was until Leonardo used his Venus mask to wipe a tear from his eye, instantly enraging Raph who grabbed his sai and flung it across the room at Leonardo, who in return ducked, and the sai buried it's way into the bailiffs head. "Good going, Dickhead-Dude" said Michelangelo.
edit Game Over
The Turtles where charged on several counts of everything you could think of. These once heroes in a half shell hung their heads in silence as they where transported from the court room to the van which would transport them to their new home, in the state penitentiary for life with no parole. Included was their Master Splinter, friend April Ho'Neil, some kid named Danny, and a pizza delivery guy named Keno.
edit Or Is It?
In 2016, Michael Bay will "relaunch" the quartet with a new movie based on the Turtles to explain how shit really went down, and try to clear up the turtles' names and reputations. Only time will tell if he can be successful.
edit See also