Teenage Mutant Ninja Assholes
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The Teenage Mutant Ninja Assholes were the world's stinkiest fighting team. In 1985, the four "Heroes with an ass smell" burst out on paper and squirted their way into the world with great force. The Turds were created by Bluey Zarsoff, after a drunken escapade with a friend over who could draw the shittiest looking superhero? Soon the T.M.N.A franchise began ripping a mew hole in the fabrics of the space-time diareainium.
As we just mentioned a sentence or two ago, the T.M.N.A started off as a comic book that was printed on rolls of toilet-paper, giving people something shitty to read while taking a dump, and being able to give it a proper review afterward. It was then discovered on the porcelain throne by CBS president Mr. Who Flung Dung who decided this shit might work on TV as a cartoon series. Mr Flung Dung then set out on a quest with a few friends to find the fellow-of-the-shit ring who was creating the T.M.N.A comic. After a long walk down the yellow-piss road, Mr. Who Flung Dung found the bung-hole he was looking for, and asked Bluey Zarsoff to come make this shit for him as a prime-time show.
That was how the Teenage Mutant Ninjitsu Assholes came to life as shitty animations in 1987.
The show is a
Because children are complete and utter fuck-wits who would be too stupid to disapprove of a cartoon series about 4 turds in different colored bandannas, the T.M.N.A became an overnight success. The story of 4 hideously mutated assholes helping fight against the crap that infests New York City became as believable to children of the day as thinking it was safe to play at the Never-Land Theme Park without adult supervision.
The show's plot evolved around the 4 main assholes and their master, who trained them in the ancient fighting techniques known as "The Poot". They used their ninja skills to help save New York from these evil dickheads who did not posses the ability to work out you should try taking over cities like Tokyo or London where no one is protecting them, especially one protected by not only these 4 Assholes, but 90% of the worlds other superhero population as well.
The T.M.N.A became the Teenage Turds when they became teenagers. But before that, 15 years before, these drunk dudes where lighting their farts on fire in a back alley, in NYC. These drunks where so amused by this, that they did not realize they had fallen into a radio-active-waste-puddle that came from Morton Downy Jnr's urine. The four drunk men fell ass first into the puddle, and while the four of them continued to shoot blue flames out of their ass, they laughed their asses off... and when we say that, we mean, they literally laughed them right off! The chemicals of the Downy Jr piss, and their own fecal matter residing in their pants, caused a mutation that set their assholes free.
The four freed assholes fell down a sewer drain, and puked on a drunken passed out Britney Spears. They each puked on her exposed beaver, which instantly mutated into Master Sphincter, whom even though is called a name that resembles the anus, it had to be done this way due to censorship changes from CBS not allowing him to be called Master Cunt as he was originally named.
Turtles Turds grew up into teenagers, that's when the show's story begins, as they fight off the evil forces of these shit-for-brain bad guys, who have so much smarts in making unbelievable weapons and gadgets, but always get shit on by the mean lean farting machines in the end.
- Leofarto: Leo is the asshole with a blue piece of toilet paper wrapped around his head. He specially made it from dropping a roll of paper down the toilet that had one of those blue urine cake die things in it. Leo always farts with honor, and places his hand on his heart when his brothers sing with flatulence to the national anthem. Leo is the leader of the pack, and a goody two-shoes. He is based off a cub scout master, and always uses controlled fire techniques when lighting his breath up in public. He also uses these two fairly long dildos as weapons.
- Michealanalhoe: Mikey is the asshole with orange crapper-paper wrapped around his head. To make his color, he simply drinks a lot of vitamin-B and urinates on the toilet roll. Mikey's choice of weapons is two long double ended rubber dildos he bought at one of April Hoe-Neal's house warming parties. Mikey is a prankster, and will always ask people to pull his chin before asking them if they like seafood? Then open his mouth to show the head of a turd with bits of anchovies and prawns from a pizza he had earlier.
- Donnasmellio. Donny is the geek of the group. He is brainy and smart when it comes to science, but is a total dweeb when it comes to talking to anything with a vagina. He is the only asshole in the group that can make a real dick of himself! His weapon of choice is one of Mikey's double-ended rubber dildos, that Donny jerked off onto, causing it to become stiffer then a guys neck with a Viagra pill stuck in his throat. Donny also has an addiction to prune-juice, and when he takes a shit, it flows out purple... this is how he he colors his headband.
- Raphfarthell: Raph is the scat man of the group. He is hardheaded, and always angry, but you would be too if you where an asshole with constant hemorrhoids, which is why Raph wears the red headband. His weapon of choice is two anal-plugs that he will gladly ram up the ass of anyone who disagrees with him that a cat will get flatter the more times you back over it with a bus.
- Master Sphincter: Sphincter is the man that taught the assholes how to be a ninja team. Because he's a radical scat! He's old and slow, and is actually a beaver, but poses as a rat because he is semi-retarded, and just shits all over himself instead of wearing a headband.
- April Hoe'Neal: April is the T.M.N.A's bitch. She is a hooker that works near the Turds lair, and she visits the Whoresome Foursome when she needs to take a piss. Which is why she always wears a yellow jacket.
The Bad Dudes
- Pants Shredder: The Shred Dude is the arch enema of the turds. He was born from the ass of the fat black guy who played the father in The Fresh Prince of Bumair. Apparently the guy took a shit, and Shredder has been a pissed of motherfucker ever since when he was flushed down the toilet, leaving Shredder with serios abandonment issues.
- Krap: This guy is an alien turd. He is pink! Some say he looks like a brain made of pink shit. His back story was that he was once a blue piece of shit for brains, but stopped holding his breath, and his natural color came back into his complexion.
- BeBog & PlopSloppy: One time when the Shred Pooh'd and Krap put their brains together, the combined shit-squish gave them the brilliant idea to make two mutated evil turds to help fight the T.M.N.A, so Shredder filled himself up on beans, nuts and all kinds of shit, Shred waited patiently to take a dump in Morton Downy Jnr's last known urine test. But un-be-knoweth to Shredder, Morton had switched samples with Beavis & Butthead, and hence, the two moronic sideshow comic-relief baddies where born.
- Poop Soldiers: Take a wild guess at how these henchmen are created? There are hundreds of these shit-minded troopers at Krap and Shredders command. They always show up in 2's, until the entire place is covered with them. They are the henchmen of the show, guys not worth a shit, yet made by shit, for shit, to fight shit... if that makes sense?
- TesticleDrome: This gigantic robotic testicle was the transportation Krap and Shredder would get around in. It is a 10,000 foot high machine testicle with tank treads, and a giant brown eye on the top of it.
Along the coarse of the show that ran through the sewerage of CBS for 12 years, other guest characters and villains appeared on the show from time to time. There where quite a lot of guest characters, but we will name just a few of the most memorable ones.
- HaSoggyBimbo; a mutant from an alien world made from rabbit droppings.
- Shithead; a robotic turd that Shredder crapped out one day when he ate his helmet by mistake .
- The Scat King; a trumpet playing bum in the sewers. He played a tune on a flute that made all turds obey his commands.
- Windows 2000; This was a gigantic piece of shit, it has to be seen to believed how big it is!
- Willy-Willy Bum-Bum Face; A mutated fly that is the mortal enemy of a turd.
Each episode would open with one of the coolest theme song music to ever be created. A late 80's/early 90's rock theme with synthesizers that contained lyrics that every kid would be singing the next day. In later seasons, the song was replaced by John Denver's "You fill up my anus, made me sleep in the wet spot, come fill me again" to which fans where extremely unhappy with. The original theme is still considered to be the best. The one that goes like this....
Teenage Mutant Ninja Assholes (x2)
Heroes that are assholes, with turd power.
They're the worlds most stinkiest fighting team.
They're heroes that are assholes, and they heave.
When the evil Pants Shredder attacks,
These turd boys throw their scat right back.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Assholes (x2)
Master Sphinctor taught them to be a ninja team
(his ass does a radical splat)
Leofarto leads, Donasmello soils his jeans
(that's a fact, Jack)
Raphismello is rude and crude,
Michealanalhoe, is sneezes out pooh
Teenage Mutant Ninja Assholes (x3)
Hero's that are assholes.
- Lyrics written by Emma Roid. Produced by I.P Freely Music composed and sung by Ben Doverman. TAB can be found in stores in the soda section.
- All rights have reserved parking. © of Parcllub Inc.
Sex Toy Franchise & Video Game shit
The T.M.N.A toys are some of the most popular toys to ever be sold... even though the original toy figurines hardly resembled any of the characters. It has always been a mystery why the the toys looked nothing like they did in the cartoon, but it did not stop kids from wanting the streaming line of shitty looking figurines.
It was even proven that if you take a shit in a box, slap the T.M.N.A logo on it, and sell it as a Nintendo game, it will make you millions. As proven by the 1990 Midway game "Teenage Mutant Ninja Assholes: 6 bit turd war" which sold over a gazillion copies around the world. It's hard to beleive that shit now, especially since peoples memory of the game was that it was a frustrating piece of shit to clock.
Turds get thrown at the big screen
In 1990, the T.M.N.A made their silver screen debut. Hollyweed knew all they needed to do was film someone taking a shit for an hour, then wrapping the produce in colored toilet paper, and it would make them millions of dollars at the thunder box office. So the T.M.N.A show was turned into a movie. It was received as expected; Siskel & Ebert said it was a classic piece of shit, which only resulted in giving someone the thumbs up to green light two more sequels. T.M.N.A. II: Secret of the Oozehole followed through in 1992, and T.M.N.A III: Turds in Time was sprayed across the screen in 1994.
The theory was proven, that if you throw enough shit at the wall, some of it is bound to stick.
Shit Kicking Re-Poop
In 2001, after the original T.M.N.A cancellation in 1998 when the shit hit the fan about the show being the same crap over and over again and the writers wanted to go and do other shit, they noticed their cartoons all sucked. But they didn't want them to suck, they wanted them to be shit. So CBS issued a re-boot of the T.M.N.A series. They started off with a live action TV series. The show introduced a 5th Turd named "Assio", who was a female turd. But fans did not like this, as women are not supposed to be able to take a shit, according to old wives tales. Women became offended by this, and so the show was canceled, even after the writers tried to attempt playing it off in the 7th episode that Assio was actually Leo dressed in drag, playing out his homosexual tendencies.
After that, in 2003 CBS decided to kick-fart the franchise again, returning to the cartoon format. The series was brilliantly retitled to; "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turds". The show showed off a few darker shades of colors for the turds skins, and re-wrote all the original characters with new back stories. Unfortunately those of us writing this article are only familiar with the way the original shit went down, and couldn't give a crap how the new series plot works.
Constipation? No way, push harder!
In 2006 the Turds returned to the silver screen in a C.G.I movie; T.M.N.A 4: The Assholes Strike Back. The movie was praised for it's ability to use new breakthroughs in computer graphics that made such shit really come to life on the big screen. Such superb shitty graphics had not been seen since the 2001 C.G.I movie: "Sex Toy Story".
The Future of the Heroes with Ass Power?
Who knows, as long as kids will buy into this sort of shit, the Turds will remain fresh, but they may soon dry up and fuck off down the toilet... just like the Toxic Crusaders did. The fate of the turds is anyone's guess. Rumors have already circled the bottom of the toilet bowl about another sequel to the last movie, as well as rumors stinking up fan websites about another re-boot movie... as if the world hasn't got enough shit being remade into new shit, that is the same old shit, but from another persons asshole.