From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“The Splendid Splinter...what a pansy nickname.”
“Shut up, black man. You know you're black, right?”
“Did you ever fart in the catcher's face?”
Theodore Samuel "Ted" Williams (August 30, 1918 – July 5, 2002), was an American baseball player and respected sports fisherman until his untimely death in 2002 due to getting worn out from all the manly things he did in his life.
Throughout his career, he was overshadowed by New York Yankees great Joltin' Joe "I gave Marilyn Monroe a jolt" DiMaggio. Although his goal was to become the greatest hitter who ever lived, most fans consider his baseball feats as merely pedestrian; Williams wouldn't lower himself like DiMaggio to bang a dumb broad who killed herself because she hated being a slut and cry over her for years, plus he liked baseball more than that. It is argued by some (because he liked to fly fighter planes into combat while on vacation from baseball) that his induction to the Major League Baseball Hall of Fame in Cooperstown illustrates that baseball is just as rigged as the Tour de France.
Williams grew up in San Diego with a strong love of the American pastime. Like many San Diegans, he was of Latino heritage. It was unknown until after his death that Williams was Latino through his mother's side, which possibly explained his extreme love of hitting a ball with a bat. And like most Latino kids, he came from a broken home with only a mom, and no dad. While being a goody-two-shoes, wanna-be-more-of-a-man kind of kid, his mother forced him to work in The Salvation Army, marching around in a little uniform and waving a bell around for money. Williams gained strength in his arms with all that bell-ringing, until he could swing a bat with perfect hitting form. It is legend that he could hit flies, flying birds, balls of tar, nails, snowballs, and baseballs out of any field by the time he was 10, and batted 1.000 on every Little League team he was ever on. Of course, he also grew up in poverty, so he had nowhere else to go but baseball, because it was a manly thing to do as well.
edit Early Career
Williams played with the Boston Red Sox of the 1940's and 50's, the most racist team in baseball, whose management vowed to keep out "Negroes and Latins" from being signed with the Red Sox until 1960. He started with the Red Sox in 1939, just before Hitler and his gay tribe of Germania was going to cause Williams to get drafted into the American armed forces, and fly another fighter plane for fun and profit. He easily led the American League in runs batted in (RBI), while a little voice in the back of his head nagged him about the war. In 1941, he continued his brilliance, batting over .400 in a season, becoming the last player in baseball history to do so. Williams finished behind Joe DiMaggio in the Most Valuable Player award, since Joltin' Joe had gotten a hit in 56 consecutive games while banging famous Hollywood sluts all the time. Williams, although very San Diegan-manly with Latin blood, just wasn't as manly.
edit Military Service
Twice during his career, Williams always wanted to serve his country well, like a man, and left the game to serve as a pilot in the U.S. Marines. Basically he was a great pilot, and a brainy nerd for figures, something that is lost upon the American psyche when they want all their baseball stars to be big, dumb, and drunk racist fucks. During the Korean War, Williams saved future astronaut and U.S. Senator John Glenn while flying in combat. He luckily did not have to serve in the Pacific during WWII, which was a letdown to his manliness wanting to do something really cool and exciting with a fighter plane.
Boston sportswriters loved to crucify him, because he was more manly than they would ever be. Not only were they Nazi sympathizers prone to self-crucifixions and theorizing that Hitler's dad wasn't a Jew, they had absolutely no incentive to laud a player with no team loyalty. Articles would claim, "Not only was (Williams) mediocre as a baseball player, but as a pilot he struggled to even keep the plane in the air. The only pilot with less talent was Pilate, and even his own crew members figured that Yossarian was more capable." Another article claimed that, "during the Korean War, Williams was actually shot down. He did not die, like his assassins wanted him to do. He was just shot in the arm and leg, which didn't really hurt him."
edit Post-Retirement, Death, and Reanimation
During and after a legendary career as a player, he kept getting married a lot. Williams served as the manager of the pathetic Washington Senators for several years, until he realized that staying the course with the team was a bad idea.  Later, Williams fulfilled one of his dreams by becoming the host of a fishing show and becoming a highly-regarded sports fisherman.
“How do you like them apples?”
After his untimely death in 2002, members of Williams' family had him cryogenically frozen, allegedly with his approval. Despite Williams' motivation to follow in Walt Disney's ambition of being revived after freezing, this was aborted after his head and body were separated.
Ted Williams' body will not be seen in a frozen state at Petco Park in San Diego.
“Where the hell is my freakin' head?”
- ↑ Fan survey in London, England where no one plays baseball, much less tennis
- ↑ During the Frank Sinatra/Sam Giancana years of the late 1960s, the mob influence was everywhere, as well as the racism since Williams was, well, more Latino than most. He also believed that Josh Gibson and Satchel Paige should be in the Baseball Hall of Fame, but Sinatra thought they were darkies, and weren't good Negroes like Sammy Davis Jr.
- ↑ Plus with his hand-eye coordination and size, Williams had no desire to end up in tennis nor cricket, since most manly San Diego men with Latino blood who fly fighter planes and go ocean fishing don't play ball with fairies
- ↑ Boo hoo hoo! that didn't work... and the Red Sox also regretted the Dodgers signed Jackie Robinson in 1946 as well
- ↑ Because flying planes in the air is fun, and what can more manly than that?
- ↑ To which sportswriters commented "I'd hit that 56 times!" since most were Jewish, unathletic, racist Nazi sympathizers whose latent gay tendencies were always aroused at the sight of DiMaggio's crotch
- ↑ After these articles were published, the sportswriters were invited to an all-Jewish, all-gay male orgy with mobster Meyer Lansky
- ↑ Real men do that instead of giving up
- ↑ Interestingly, the Senators later became the Texas Rangers, and a certain owner of said Rangers failed to reach the same conclusion.
- ↑ Demonstration of more manliness later in life
- ↑ If he did approve, this is probably the most macho act of manliness Williams has ever done to date