Ted Williams
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“The Splendid Splinter-what a pansy nickname.”
“I'm ill wasted.”
Ted Williams was an American baseball player and avid fisherman until his untimely death in 2002. Throughout his career, he was overshadowed by Yankers great Joltin' Joe "I gave Marilyn Monroe a jolt" DiMaggio. Although his goal was to become the greatest hitter who ever lived, most fans consider him merely pedestrian; his induction to the Hall of Fame illustrates that baseball is just as rigged as the Tour de France.
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[edit] Biography
In reality (the Bostonians won't like to read this), Ted Williams was born in San Diego in 1915 and grew up with a strong love of the American past time. Like many San Diegans, he was a Mexican and it wasn't known until like after his death, Ted Williams was half-Mexican through his mother's side. He played in the Boston Red Sox of the 1940's and 50's under the most racist team management in baseball, who vowed to keep out "Negroes and Latins" from being signed in the Red Sox until 1960. Boo hoo hoo! that didn't work... and the Red Sox also regretted the Dodgers signed Jackie Robinson in 1946 as well.
[edit] Early Career
Williams moved up to the Boston Red Sox in the year 1939, just as that egomaniacal nutjob Hitler was reorganizing the European political structure. Williams distractedly led the American League in runs batted in, while a little voice in the back of his head nagged him about the war. In 1941, he continued his brilliance, batting over .400 (the last player to do so). Williams was clearly proficient getting to first base or more, sometimes up to six times in a single day. Williams finished behind DiMaggio in the MVP voting, as Joltin' Joe had gotten a hit in 56 consecutive games, to which sportswriters commented "I'd hit that 56 times!"
[edit] Military Service
Twice during his career, Williams left the game to serve as a pilot in the U.S. Marines. It's no wonder the Boston sportswriters loved to crucify him. Not only were the Boston sportswriters Jewish sympathizers prone to crucifixions, they had absolutely no incentive to laud a player with no team loyalty. Not only was he mediocre as a baseball player, but as a pilot he struggled to even keep the plane in the air. The only pilot with less talent was Pilate, and even his own crew members figured that Yossarian was more capable. During the Korean War, Williams was actually shot down. He did not die, like his assassins wanted him to do. He was just shot in the arm and leg, which didn't really hurt him.
[edit] Post-retirement
Williams served as the manager of the god-awful Washington Senators for several years, until he realized that staying the course with the team was taking a detrimental turn. Interestingly, the Senators later became the Texas Rangers, and a certain owner of said Rangers has failed to reach the same conclusion. Later, Williams fulfilled one of his dreams by becoming the host of a fishing show. Once again, Williams proved his tendencies toward being purely average.
[edit] Death
“How do you like them apples?”
After his untimely death in 2002, Williams' family had him cryogenically frozen. Unfortunately, Walt Disney's ambition of being revived after freezing won't come true for Williams, barring Frankenstein-type surgery, as his head and body are now separated. Yogi Berra claimed that baseball was 90 percent mental, and the other half was physical, but Williams is now hopeless at both. Mediocre in life, mediocre in death, indeed.
[edit] Reanimation
On February 22, 2087, thanks to the technology offered at the time, Williams's head was brought back to life on a cyborg body. He rejoined major league baseball and shattered all batting records, including homeruns in a season (726), a career (85,258), and a statistically improbable batting average of 1.425, which means he actually had more hits than at bats!
[edit] Exhibit
Ted Williams' body can be seen in a frozen state in Petco Park of San Diego after a huge fight against Fenway Park of Boston to have the possession of this "Frozen Burrito".
[edit] Re-death
On October 19, 2376, during the Third Great Cyborg War, Ted Williams was blown up by a powerful death laser. Even the contemporary technology of the time was unable to resurrect his lifeless robot body.
