Ted Cassels

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Revision as of 10:45, January 5, 2012 by MadMax (talk | contribs)

(diff) ← Older revision | Latest revision (diff) | Newer revision → (diff)
Jump to: navigation, search
No Wikipedia
Because of their so-called intelligence, the so-called experts at Wikipedia will never have a proper article about Ted Cassels. We are sorry for their blatant retardedness.
Ted Cassels

"Ted when Lehman Brothers collapsed. Here he's about to lose everything and I laugh as his life unfolds. Hey Ted, you've got spots on your tie!"

“Ted Cassels, who the fuck is that?”
~ Lehman Brothers CEO
“Are you homeless too?”
~ Ted Cassels
“He is an asshole. Fuck Ted Cassels.”
~ Me, several times later in this article

Ted Cassels is a former Lehman Brothers investment banker who recently lost his job because of the economic recession America is going through. Total assholes like him completely fucked America and the rest of the world. He has three kids, had a really hot wife (can you say MILF) and a great life until he had to completely fuck himself and the rest of the country. Ted spends most of his time jacking off in his cardboard box home in Manhattan, stealing food or money from children and drinking heavily. He is an asshole. Fuck Ted Cassels.

edit Early life

Ted was born with a silver spoon thrust into his mouth by his wetnurse. A bunch of useless information which you care even less about than this article. Went to high school, then Dartmouth. Shit happened. Graduated with a finance major. Some more shit happened. Became a broker or investment banker for Lehman Brothers.

edit Ted Fucks a Nation

While working at Lehman Brothers, Ted managed to help Lehman Brothers skullfuck America's economy. Ted was left homeless along with thousands of other employees. The CEOs? Doing fine (one's pet cougar just had babies, so yay baby cougars =] ).

edit Homelessness (the fucker had it coming)

Ted went to live on the streets of New York. In stead of his hot-ass wife to come home to every night (I should probably mention, I'm banging his wife =]), he has his hand(s) any time he wants, often in the presence of people who he then robs with his cum covered hands. Ted drinks heavily as well, he is never seen without a bottle of cheap vodka. Also he's a Wal-Mart greeter. 6 year-olds steal his smiley face stickers then tackle and kick him. His manager constantly abuses him. Still, he is an asshole. Fuck Ted Cassels.

edit Ted Today

If you are ever in New York, and you go to 7-11 to get some munchies late at night because you're really high. You might see a homeless guy passed out by a building with his cock hanging out. That's Ted, please kick him. Ted Cassels is an asshole. Fuck Ted Cassels.

Personal tools
projects