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Contrary to popular belief, Techno was not created by white people to enjoy drugs, Japanimation, and masturbating at rates of over 140 strokes a minute. Techno was actually created by Daft Punk and David Bowie as a result of their exploration of new types of music, updated synthesizers, and laxatives. Having a former pop star as big as Bowie backing it up rocketed this new form of expression into modern day acceptance, especially among youth and hip older folks, resulting in scarcely a Sunday morning passing unaccompanied by the thumping of constant drug-fueled raves in the fields.
Techno is often confused with trance, which really isn't techno but an excuse for grown men to wear fluffy purple leg warmers or hammer pants to hide their ecstasy ridden shriveled peni, as well as the preferred music choice of American comedian and actor Eddie Murphy. In the future, we will all be fed techno intravenously - something which is already happening in both Japan and Croydon. Recently actor Les Dennis suffered a near fatal overdose of intravenous techno after finding his Thai wife engaging in a sexual practice known as 'the reverse cowgirl' with an 18 year old pantomime villain.
Today, in the USA, Techno is a class B drug, being worse than metal, but not as bad as emo. This classification is highly controversial however, as metal (a class C drug in the US) has been commonly reported to induce anger in people, leading to various dangerous riots across the world. Techno, on the other had is reported to have the opposite effect, making people euphoric and friendly rather than hostile. Due to this, a reclassification has been suggested but this will not go down well with the American youth. In the UK, Techno was recently reclassified as a class A drug due to stuff happening. If found in possession of techno there, the punishment is a fourteen to seventeen year life imprisonment for the intention of supplying techno to yourself.
There are two sources from history that tell us how techno came to be.
1. Techno was discovered while David Bowie was tripping on some acid in New York City in 1977. He came to a cross walk and pushed the button in the crossing box and waited for the the signal that he was now allowed to walk. After a few spacious beeps, the box began ticking rapidly and due to the effects of Bowie's acid trip, it caused the rapid ticking to sound like a heard of stampeding elephants in his head, Bowie screamed out, "I Fucking love this song man" and later went off to recreate the sound on a synthesizer because his drummer simply could not play a bass drum that fast.
2. Techno was derived from House music, which was innovated by Og the caveman who just happened to be banging a rock on the ground at 120 BPM when two previously miserly and elderly newts stumbled along, proclaimed the moment a spiritual revelation before declaring undying love for each other and dancing until point of insanity and eventual death. Later disco stole techno and transformed it into something popular amongst black folk; the musical equivalent of Oprah Winfrey. Trance, of course, traces its roots back to Og's companion Ug, known for his mastery of banging his feet on the ground at 130 BPM whilst wearing a movement restricting brace of fluffy purple leg warmers.
Techno is rapidly becoming the music of choice for 15-year old suburban white kids trawling the Interweb for "something with a beat nigga". It has also found favor with Albanian house wives who have adopted the sound as their own by feeding the sound of second hand Tandy Washing Machines through a sampler and fiddling with buttons until a Messiah appears and proclaims the scene a musical miracle. This highly innovative and spiritual form of techno is also known as 'rinse-out cycle beat'. Other known groups to have adopted techno as their own include the Palestinian Parliament, Captain Bird's Eye factory workers and the Bolton Wanderers reserve squad who play Jeff Mill's seminal epic 'The Odyssey of Ug' before every training session.
The complex sound layers of a techno track.
(the human ear may take a bit of time to get used to these sounds)
A sample of Neo techno
Techno example with music and lyrics
Danh danh doh dah danh doh doh dah dah DOOSH!
Th-th-th-th-th-the system...is down!
The system...is down!
Th-th-th-th-th-the system...is down!
Important electronic devices commonly used in techno production
- Commodore SID chip
- Flux Capacitor
- Atari 2600
- Audi A3
- Siemens H8 Washmachine
- Combination of a USB vibrator and oscillating crop circles
- Trash Cans
- Desk fan
- Samples from the midi audio of Super Mario Bros
What is techno
Techno is music you can play fast forward, and have it still sound alright.
Techno is music you can remove lyrics from, and have it still sound alright.
Techno is music you can abruptly stop, and have it still sound alright.
Techno is music you can make sound like any other song of that genre.
Techno is music that is the biggest known threat to the continued existence of curried condoms.
Techno is music that is so mindblowing that you can't tell the difference between one track and another.
Techno is music that brainwashes you subliminally.
Techno is also your mum. But only on Tuesdays and as long as she is Albanian.
Techno is music that turns dick/vagina into a robot like Daft Punks.
Links to what parents told their kids is REAL music.