Techno

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{{Q|Make it stop!!!|Oscar Wilde|Techno music}}
 
{{Q|Make it stop!!!|Oscar Wilde|Techno music}}
   
[[File:Strobe.gif|right|340px|thumb|This image has been scientifically designed to give the same annoying headaches that listening to techno music provides.]]'''Techno''' music is a type, and we stress the fact that '''Techno''' is not a [[Style|<span title="Type">genre</span>]] of music, probably because all '''Techno''' songs are made up of successive, repetetive '''Techno'''logical, or "made by a computer" music beats. The typical '''Techno''' song would sound like: ''dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun ('''Techno''' fuck yeah) dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun ('''Techno''' fuck yeah)'', times about thirty. The rate of the beats found in '''Techno''' songs are more or less equal to the rate of '''Techno''' being said in this article (although it is roughly ninety two times faster, and "'''Techno'''" can be replaced with ''dun'', ''boom'', ''pfft'' or ''[[Subliminal Advertising|buymoreTacoBellnow]]''.
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[[File:Strobe.gif|right|340px|thumb|This image has been scientifically designed to give the same annoying headaches that listening to techno music provides.]]'''Techno''' music is a type, and we stress the fact that '''Techno''' is not a [[Style|<span title="Type">genre</span>]] of music, probably because all '''Techno''' songs are made up of successive, repetetive '''Techno''', a substance derived from the periodic table elements "M" "D" "M" and of course "A". The typical '''Techno''' song would sound like: ''dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun ('''Techno''' fuck yeah) dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun ('''Techno''' fuck yeah)'', times about thirty. The rate of the beats found in '''Techno''' songs are more or less equal to the rate of '''Techno''' being said in this article (although it is roughly ninety two times faster, and "'''Techno'''" can be replaced with ''dun'', ''boom'', ''pfft'' or ''[[Subliminal Advertising|buymoreTacoBellnow]]''.
   
 
Contrary to popular belief, Techno was not created by white people to enjoy drugs, [[Anime|Japanimation]], and masturbating at rates of over 140 strokes a minute. Techno was actually created by [[Daft Punk]] and [[David Bowie]] as a result of their exploration of new types of music, updated synthesizers, and laxatives. Having a former pop star as big as Bowie backing it up rocketed this new form of expression into modern day acceptance, especially among youth and hip older folks, resulting in scarcely a Sunday morning passing unaccompanied by the thumping of constant drug-fueled raves in the fields.
 
Contrary to popular belief, Techno was not created by white people to enjoy drugs, [[Anime|Japanimation]], and masturbating at rates of over 140 strokes a minute. Techno was actually created by [[Daft Punk]] and [[David Bowie]] as a result of their exploration of new types of music, updated synthesizers, and laxatives. Having a former pop star as big as Bowie backing it up rocketed this new form of expression into modern day acceptance, especially among youth and hip older folks, resulting in scarcely a Sunday morning passing unaccompanied by the thumping of constant drug-fueled raves in the fields.

Revision as of 11:06, November 20, 2011

“Make it stop!!!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Techno music
Strobe

This image has been scientifically designed to give the same annoying headaches that listening to techno music provides.

Techno music is a type, and we stress the fact that Techno is not a genre of music, probably because all Techno songs are made up of successive, repetetive Techno, a substance derived from the periodic table elements "M" "D" "M" and of course "A". The typical Techno song would sound like: dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun (Techno fuck yeah) dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun (Techno fuck yeah), times about thirty. The rate of the beats found in Techno songs are more or less equal to the rate of Techno being said in this article (although it is roughly ninety two times faster, and "Techno" can be replaced with dun, boom, pfft or buymoreTacoBellnow.

Contrary to popular belief, Techno was not created by white people to enjoy drugs, Japanimation, and masturbating at rates of over 140 strokes a minute. Techno was actually created by Daft Punk and David Bowie as a result of their exploration of new types of music, updated synthesizers, and laxatives. Having a former pop star as big as Bowie backing it up rocketed this new form of expression into modern day acceptance, especially among youth and hip older folks, resulting in scarcely a Sunday morning passing unaccompanied by the thumping of constant drug-fueled raves in the fields.

Techno is often confused with trance, which really isn't techno but an excuse for grown men to wear fluffy purple leg warmers or hammer pants to hide their ecstasy ridden shriveled peni, as well as the preferred music choice of American comedian and actor Eddie Murphy. In the future, we will all be fed techno intravenously - something which is already happening in both Japan and Croydon. Recently actor Les Dennis suffered a near fatal overdose of intravenous techno after finding his Thai wife engaging in a sexual practice known as 'the reverse cowgirl' with an 18 year old pantomime villain.

Today, in the USA, Techno is a class B drug, being worse than metal, but not as bad as emo. This classification is highly controversial however, as metal (a class C drug in the US) has been commonly reported to induce anger in people, leading to various dangerous riots across the world. Techno, on the other had is reported to have the opposite effect, making people euphoric and friendly rather than hostile. Due to this, a reclassification has been suggested but this will not go down well with the American youth. In the UK, Techno was recently reclassified as a class A drug due to stuff happening. If found in possession of techno there, the punishment is a fourteen to seventeen year life imprisonment for the intention of supplying techno to yourself.

Techno history

There are two sources from history that tell us how techno came to be.

1. Techno was discovered while David Bowie was tripping on some acid in New York City in 1977. He came to a cross walk and pushed the button in the crossing box and waited for the the signal that he was now allowed to walk. After a few spacious beeps, the box began ticking rapidly and due to the effects of Bowie's acid trip, it caused the rapid ticking to sound like a heard of stampeding elephants in his head, Bowie screamed out, "I Fucking love this song man" and later went off to recreate the sound on a synthesizer because his drummer simply could not play a bass drum that fast.

2. Techno was derived from House music, which was innovated by Og the caveman who just happened to be banging a rock on the ground at 120 BPM when two previously miserly and elderly newts stumbled along, proclaimed the moment a spiritual revelation before declaring undying love for each other and dancing until point of insanity and eventual death. Later disco stole techno and transformed it into something popular amongst black folk; the musical equivalent of Oprah Winfrey. Trance, of course, traces its roots back to Og's companion Ug, known for his mastery of banging his feet on the ground at 130 BPM whilst wearing a movement restricting brace of fluffy purple leg warmers.

Techno is rapidly becoming the music of choice for 15-year old suburban white kids trawling the Interweb for "something with a beat nigga". It has also found favor with Albanian house wives who have adopted the sound as their own by feeding the sound of second hand Tandy Washing Machines through a sampler and fiddling with buttons until a Messiah appears and proclaims the scene a musical miracle. This highly innovative and spiritual form of techno is also known as 'rinse-out cycle beat'. Other known groups to have adopted techno as their own include the Palestinian Parliament, Captain Bird's Eye factory workers and the Bolton Wanderers reserve squad who play Jeff Mill's seminal epic 'The Odyssey of Ug' before every training session.

The complex sound layers of a techno track.

(the human ear may take a bit of time to get used to these sounds)

Warp Zone Seizure Screensaver by EpilepticFit

MAKE IT STOP

Detroit Techno
(usually 130 to 140 bpm)
bom bom bom bom bom bom bom bom ch ch ch ch ch ch ch ch pi pi pi pi pi pi pi burrrrrrp pipipipipopopipipipipipipopopipipipipipi bobobibom bobobibom bobobibom bobobibom ueeeeo ueeeeo ueeeeo ueeeeo ueeeeo ueeeeo

Speed Core
(1000+ bpm)
CHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH AH CHHHHHHHHHH BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP

Minimal Techno
(120 to 130 bpm)
brooooooooouuuuououuuouuuuuuummmmmm tocheteh tichetah tocheteh tichetah ploc plic ploc ploc plic ploc ploc chi chi chi chichthulhu chi chi chi ar u ok? you need to puke? aaarghbhh

Schranz Techno
(the most dickwagging of the three hovering at about 145 bpm, pathetic remixes included)
B000ooomB0000ooomB0000ooomB0000ooom Boom Boom Boom Boom chikitah chikitahchickitah chikitah thunda thunda thunda thunda loooooooonelyyyyy i'm so loooonelyy

Hardcore Techno
(usualy heard from within white vehicles with tinted windows sitting next to you at a red light) BASS KICK BASS KICK BASS KICK BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM DOONTS DOONTS DOONTZ DOOOOOOOOOOONTS BOOM BOOM

A sample of Neo techno
(100bpm)
zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont zoont beep beep beep beep beep beep zoont zoont zoont zoont


Techno Lyrics
(robotic voice) Drop The Bass! (unintelligible chanting in Arabic) (completely overdone female vocal track) IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT (faint inspirational audio sample of MLK speech) IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT (random gregorian chant in Latin) IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT IN THE NIGHT - ALL THE EEP OO TO DE DANCE FLOOOW

Techno example with music and lyrics
doomp doomp doomp doomp doomp doomp doomp doomp doodle-ump doomp doomp doomp doodle-ump doomp Th-th-th-th-th-the system...is down! The system...is down! Th-th-th-th-th-the system...is down! Down! Down! Down! Down!

Danh danh doh dah danh doh doh dah dah DOOSH!

Th-th-th-th-th-the system...is down! The system...is down! Th-th-th-th-th-the system...is down! Down! Down! Down! Down!
boo-KA-ka-BOOP BOOP! boo-KA-ka-BOOP BOOP! boo-KA-ka-BOOP BOOP! boo-KA-ka-BOOP BOOP! boo-KA-ka-BOOP BOOP! boo-KA-ka-BOOP BOOP! boo-KA-ka-BOOP BOOP! (sample recorded from a song from 15 years ago) oonts OONTS oonts OONts oonts OONTS oonts OONts oonts OONTS oonts OONts oonts OONTS oonts OONts oonts OONTS oonts OONts oonts OONTS oonts OONts oonts OONTS oonts OONts oonts OONTS oonts OONts oonts OONTS oonts OONts oonts OONTS oonts OONts oonts OONTS oonts OONts oonts OONTS oonts OONts oonts OONTS oonts

Important electronic devices commonly used in techno production

Illusion-44

Oh man, taking that acid and listening to techno is freaking me out, man!

What is techno

Techno is music you can play fast forward, and have it still sound alright.

Techno is music you can remove lyrics from, and have it still sound alright.

Techno is music you can abruptly stop, and have it still sound alright.

Techno is music you can make sound like any other song of that genre.

Techno is music that is the biggest known threat to the continued existence of curried condoms.

Techno is music that is so mindblowing that you can't tell the difference between one track and another.

Techno is music that brainwashes you subliminally.

Techno is also your mum. But only on Tuesdays and as long as she is Albanian.

Techno is music that turns dick/vagina into a robot like Daft Punks.

Bouncywikilogo9
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Techno.

Links

Links to what parents told their kids is REAL music.

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