Team Fortress 2
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“Mmmph Mmph mmmmmph!”
“Ah, my petite chouflour.”
“The best hat simulator, is now free”
“The number three bullied me when I was a child, so I swore to get revenge on him. I think I'm doing a pretty good job.”
“He's like a bear, a big shaved bear that hates people!”Team Fortress 2, also known as TF2, is a class based hat simulator. It is considered one of the best Valve games of all time, along with Half Life 2, Portal 2, Cure to Cancer 2: Episode 1, MSDOS: Source, and Pokemon. It has a total of nine classes, excluding the Scout's Mother, and some shirtless Australian guy.
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edit Classes
edit Scout
The Scout is a five year old little league baseball player that can run so fast he can remove the sound barrier from existence. When equipped with his Jesus Juice, he can run so fast that he manipulates the space time continuum, creating a blur behind him that is filled with his tiny coward Bostonite curses. He owns several baseball bats, which he keeps in the trophy room with all the others. The Scout's true father is the Spy. Also, Scout cries whenever he sees a rainbow because he is such a queerfag.
edit Soldier
The Soldier is a mentally insane patriot. Supposedly, he is able to rocket jump, but in the end, he just blows into tiny baby pieces. He wanted to fight in World War 2, but everyone rejected him, including his mother, so he was later recruited to the BLU team. He joined the Blu team in 1952, but nobody knew he would soon become Mrs. America.
edit Pyro
The Pyro is a masked, mumbling creature that has a fetish for fire. He/she (but most likely she) enjoys igniting people on fire with a flamethrower made out of plastic bags, a paper cup, dirt,A Potato, and uses Jesus Juice as fuel. He/she (once again, probably she) also carrys a fire axe, despite the fact that fire axes help stop fires, not murder half the population. Some people think the Pyro is the Scout's mother, but he/she (no, I'm serious, it's a she) is actually a strange bear-like creature that feeds off of cooked human feces.
edit Heavy
The Heavy! He is Heavy Weapons Guy and likes to kill things with a spoon just like the Pyro. Unlike the Pyro, he is not a bear, but just a really fat man. The Heavy carries a mini gun named Sasha. Don't let the name fool you though, it's not mini at all, for it is 667 times the size of the scout. The Heavy has a fetish for Sasha. This is because they have one thing in common, weight. It also costs an enormous amount to fire the gun for 12 seconds and is estimated that it costs somewhere around $109,958,554,554.00 to fire the gun for five minutes. On a daily basis, his thoughts revolve around the medic (is currently a gay affair with him), sandviches, and POOTIS.
edit Demoman
The Demoman is a drunken man from hell. Why he has no eyeball, we don't know. Why a drunk man joined the military, we still don't know. In fact, all we know of him is the fact that he should go to rehab, but he supposedly can't afford it since he spends all his money buying skrumpeh and passing out in alleyways. He used to work at a McDonald's, until Solid Snake murdered him, and SpongeBob SquarePants rose him from the dead. Because of this miracle, he swore to help others by drinking scotch, the liquid form of scotch tape. Also, he joined the BLU team.
edit Engineer
The Engineer is a man from Texas who has a fetish for metal. According to the Spy, he builds large guns to even out the fact that he has a small dick. In some cases he has a robot arm because it keeps his actual hand from getting dirty. The engineers favorite equation is Ponies + Jesus − Spongebob * (Patrick)B = 9001.
edit Medic
The Medic is a former Nazi that for some reason is actually helping others. Or at least that's what they think, when in reality, he is trying to destroy the world, with the Blu team first. The gas he uses to heal is the same gas he uses to kill Jews. The Medic even implanted a bird into the the Scout's soul. Now the scout has the soul of a bird.
edit Sniper
The Sniper is an Australian guy, which says a lot, including that he jars his piss, he's from Austrailia, he sometimes wears animal skin, he's from Austrailia, he says mate a lot, he's from Austrailia, and he's from Austrailia. Fun fact: he's from Austrailia.
edit Spy
The Spy is a French Frenchman from France. He is also Gabe Newel's favorite class for some strange reason. The Spy uses his powers of stealth to have sex with your motherand sap your sentrys without you noticing. The Spy's true form is the Spy-crab, a strange creature related to the Jesus Christos. Though the Spy-crab can't walk on water, he can camouflage into both the background and another person. The Spy is also able to go behind you and either a) Rape you b) Backstab you or c) Rape you. The Spy's true son is the Scout, but the Scout does not love his father because he slept with his mother, even though he had to sleep with his mother to be his father. He also slept with Heavy's mother. No one really knows where he is, but he'd probably sleeping with your mother...at this very moment...Yup, he's making scout a brother.
Note: The spy is a total pervert who seems to snort whenever he sees women, Hitler or My Little Pony. Some say Gabe Newell can 'relate' to him.
edit Non-Playable Characters
edit The Scout's Mother
A whore, nuff said. Spy had fun with her, and scout was born!
Then the scout had fun with her and she died :(
edit A shirtless Australian guy
The Sniper's idol. Owner of Mann co. store. His real name is Saxton Hale and many consider him the Chuck Norris of Team Fortress 2. He quite enjoys skydiving, haircuts, killing and money. People have made comic books of him, but they didn't sell well so Saxton got mad and started to abducted middle-aged women for no particular reason. When you're unconcious, he and the Spy will fight about which one of them is going to give the surprise buttsecks.
edit See Also
Valve and its creepy games
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