Team Fortress 2

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Artist's representation of a typical TF2 player's wet dream.

Team Fortress 2 is the world's most popular first-person hat simulator. It is rumored to be a sequel to something, but unfortunately the development took so long that there's nobody left alive who gives a shit. Originally pay-to-play, Valve eventually adopted the free-to-play payment model. This decision was universally hated because it allowed 6 year old kids, 30+ year old men, and you to play.

edit Story

The game's setting is an alternate universe in the 1960s, when the American government sucked and Mario and Weegee decided, "fuck yos govinmints, we's gon monopolize everahthang". They succeeded, but due to creative differences they decided to kill each other. Naturally, the most logical way of accomplishing this was to create a clone army of nine losers with a hat fetish and sic them on each other. Thus, the RED and BLU companies were born. Mario is the CEO of RED, while the other guy is colorblind and failed spelling class.

edit Game modes

Team Fortress 2 has a wide variety of original game modes for the whole family to enjoy.

  • In Control Point your objective either is to barge into the other enemy's house and totally fuck up their couch, or murder them before they get the chance to do so themselves.
  • The poorly titled Capture the Flag mode actually doesn't involve any flags or the capturing thereof. In an effort to make fun of the enemy team and make yourself seem smarterer, you will attempt to steal as many briefcases from the enemy as possible, which are aptly called "intelligence". Because only smart and successful people carry briefcases.
  • Payload is a realistic simulation of a nuclear war. It involves a train track leading to the core of the enemy base, which can only be assumed was built by the enemy team because they're nice guys and wanted to give the other team a fair chance. On the other side are a bunch of assholes who try to push a cart containing a 3000-megaton nuke into the enemy base to explode the hell out of them. Or sometimes both teams are just trying to nuke the whole battlefield that they're on, which makes perfect sense. Either way, unless the impending armageddon is prevented, everyone will die in an awesome explosion.
  • Arena cuts all the team-based bullshit the game pretends to boast and lays bare the true premise and objective of every game mode (and indeed, of every game in existence); Just kill the shit out of everybody.
  • For the fifth game mode, the developers combined Arena and Control Point and called it King of the Hill. They then proceeded to spend their working days getting inebriated while smashing and/or vomiting all over their keyboards. This takes the form of the various patches released which always break the game. Meanwhile, the interns keep working on modeling more hats.
  • For the sixth game mode, the developers combined Capture the Flag and Payload and called it Special Delivery. They then proceeded to spend their working days getting inebriated while smashing and/or vomiting all over their keyboards. Amazingly, in their drunken, coked up stupor they gave this game mode the biggest backstory of any of the others for no particular reason. The story stars a monkey named Poopy Joe. Our lawyers have advised us not to go into more detail as further reading has been linked to lower I.Q. scores and suicidal tendencies in clinical studies.
  • For the seventh game mode, the developers took King of the Hill, multiplied it by 12, and called it Territorial Control. The goal of the game mode is to capture "territories", much like the ghetto in the neighborhood or a dog taking a piss. This game mode was abandoned by Valve, and is heavily disgusted by the community.
  • The eighth game mode, which is arguably not a real game mode, is Mann vs. Machine. It was hyped up to introduce a groundbreaking, never-before-seen concept in team-based multiplayer video games: Cooperation! Needless to say, it failed, and is only played by psychopaths paranoid about the inevitable enslavement of humanity by Robots, plus that one idiot on the team who insists on using the Gunslinger. But even they would have preferred the classic zombie apocalypse scenario that has become so popular lately.

edit Classes

The 9 mercenaries you can play as, which are divided into 3 categories that describe the role they play on the battlefield.

edit Offensive classes

Classes in this category are the perfect choice for Trolls.

edit Scout

AKA The Scoot, the Scout is an albino Ethiopian with Air Jordan's that allow him to perform jumps in midair. For some reason the Scout carries a roughneck semi auto home defense shotgun and a pocket pistol. He also was in the minor leagues and can hit people with a bat repeatedly very fast like Joe DiMaggio.

Growing up on the outskirts of Boston, Scout was always beaten up by his older siblings and friends, both equally painful. He would be punched, batted, kicked, and on some occasions have milk thrown.

edit Soldier

John Jane Doe, typical anonymous American who takes pride in his nation by doing all sorts of American things. This would include having an extremely powerful weapon that matches up to no other countries classes, teleporting bread for three days and using a shovel and shotgun.

While this class doesn't excel in any particular area, this weakness is made up with his signature ability to shoot missiles at his feet and blow himself up. You can upgrade your Soldier to defy all laws of warfare, chemistry and nature, in addition to looking like a prancing doe (Pun intended).

Another fact about Soldiers is that they use rocket launchers for everything, and we mean everything. Such as shooting an enemy 7 kilometers away, shooting an enemy at point blank, shooting himself, cooking, lighting a cigar, mowing the lawn, etc.

edit Pyro

A masked abomination whose main purpose of running into enemies with fire started when they never listened to their mother about running with a zippo lighter. A once all-powerful class, it has been nerfed to oblivion due to either excessive gayness or the possibility of having a vagina, neither of which is acceptable.

This class boasts a large variety of secondary weapons and abilities, all of which are entirely useless, as running forward and setting everything on fire is the best strategy. This makes it an ideal class for those who prefer to play with steering wheels. Pyros are also very useful when it comes to spychecking, this involves pointing your flamethrower at your teammates and spraying fire at them. If they die from being incinerated, they were most likely a Spy. If they don't die from being completely engulfed in flames, then they are probably immortal.

edit Defensive classes

These classes are tailor-made for players who can't be bothered to actually learn how to play the game.

edit Demomanknight

A Scottish black terrorist. We can't say anything other than the fact that he is a Cyclops and drinks heavily. Anything else would be racist.

His upgrades allow him to fulfill his drunken ideals. Gameplay-wise, this means charging into a modern warzone with a medieval sword and shield, or becoming a suicide bomber. Ever heard of bringing a knife to a gun fight? Forget it, knowing this game it would probably work out fine.

A rarer variant of this creature is called the Bottleknight, which uses alcohol instead of swords. Although they have rather uncommon appearances in the battlefield, they are equally stupid.

edit Heavy

Main article: The Heavy

The Heavy is a prime example of the truth of life; While the skinny may get the girls for now, the obese guy gets the biggest gun and the most credit. Out of all the classes in TF2, the Heavy is by far the most difficult to play as it takes intense skill and concentration to look in the general direction of your enemies whilst moving at 0.2 mph. The reason he is the slowest class is because he is full of Vodka, hats, Unicycle-riding bears, and other Stereotypes.

Upgrade him to make him eat a Big Mac so he can become fatter.


The Engineer's cloning process begins with a Baywatch-inspired ritual dance.

edit Engineer

A Yale graduate who decided to apply his revolutionary ideas to warfare. Basically Alfred Nobel minus the charitable shit. He also somehow kept the technological fabrications of a teleportation device & a metal and health dispensing vending machine a secret. We will never know how.

Since roughly 120% of online players use aimbots anyway, the developers figured they might as well make a class based on it. Upgrade him to become more powerful so you can use your tech to pound the enemy's brain into a derp-like coma until you get banned for hacking.

His most famous ability is the "Sentry Nest" which involves the Engineer cloning himself, on which afterwards he tells his clones (usually around 4 to 8, there are reports to as much as 16) to place all of their buildings on top of each other to maximize damage. It is one of the most respected and useful tactics on the game.

edit Support classes

Classes with unique and useful abilities that nobody can figure out how to use properly. Unless of course one is able to be a god. Becoming a god is very hard. You must suck at all games except for the one in question.

edit Medic

Another insane German who is a doctor (alias JS Steinman), the Medic is a scumbag with the technological know-how to create a gun that reverses time and also doubles as a ghost-catching device.

This mischievous man of science got his medical license after saving a patient on the Operation Toy Game in record time (6 days, 21 hours and 47 minutes), but unfortunately his license was appropriated after he accidentally replaced the skeleton of a victim patient with nothing.

The Medic is the most useless class in the game, lacking any good weapons. Only play Medic when your team has a sufficient amount of Huntsman Snipers, as they will be able to take out the enemy team all by themselves while you run around being worthless.

edit Sniper

A homeless New Zealander virgin who immigrated illegally to Australia whose parents are ashamed of having created. Given that everyone who plays this game can identify with him, it is by far the most popular class and it's a common sight to see entire teams comprised solely of Snipers.

The Sniper's signature ability is sucking, causing their team to lose. They can be upgraded to throw bottles of piss at people, a common skill shared by the player base who will never leave their computer to stop jacking off to pixels and polygons.

Spy facestab

A Spy demonstrating what is affectionately referred by players as a "facestab". This is one of the many unlockable abilities in the game.

edit Spy

Rich, mysterious, and dedicated, the Spy is a nicotine-addicted Frenchman.

He specializes at using analog and digital watches, such as Rolex's stop watch, to go invisible. Such technologies exist, it's just that nobody chooses to face the truth. Much like real watches, the Spy's watches run out of energy in less than 5 seconds.

Another tool of mystery he wields is the manly makeup set. He uses the set to disguise as others. A man disguising as a man, an octopus disguising as an octopus, the makeup has created many modern day memes. When he disguises as fatter people, he magically becomes fatter. When he tries to lose weight, he doesn't. This tool just plain sucks.

A weapon that he uses is the knife. The default knife is the butterfly knife, which he covers practice scars with black gloves. When thrusted into the fresh, shiny backs of others, they instantly die, regardless of what age they are. When he equips the weapon, he twirls it around like a 4 year old boy does to his birth certificate.

His last weapon is a radio. This radio has the power of destroying anything. Guns. More guns. Dispensers. Teleporters. More teleporters. Bread. People like to call this radio a sapper, as in the sap from an oak tree in Ontario, Canada, the French speaking place.

When equipping his manly makeup set and looking up while crouching, he magically becomes a crab. This species, called the Spycrab, is endangered. PETA is trying their best to save this precious animal.

edit See Also

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