From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
- You may have been looking for Fox News.
Team Evil, is an international supervillian team, consisting of Swindler, Corporal Crime, Psychic Hotline and Argumento.
“I see...people, in your future. $800 please.”
The team banded together for a class action lawsuit, suing for freedom of expression, each to launch previously blocked books, namely: Them: The Truth on All Corporations, Pyramids: Idiot proof cash flow(from idiots) and Light inhaling - The Medical Revolution.
edit Criminal Activities
Through sheer criminal genius, none of their crimes are considered illegal in the countries within which they are employed. Amnesty International judged that they had taken in more than 3 Billion dollars (US) for which no useful service was rendered.
Their headquarters, the Death Space Fortress Extreme, repeatedly fires laser beams onto random targets.
edit Fast Facts
- Corporal Crime invented the game 'Happy Slaps' where he repeatedly slaps anyone he sees until he becomes happy. The 'slapper' scores points on creativity in their slapping techniques and clarity of handprints.
- Psychic Hotline has the 'Acid Hurl' offense attack. It's green, and it stinks.
- Swindler suffered depression after being hogtied and left for dead in the Arizona desert on a childhood school trip.
edit The Team
edit Psychic Hotline
“A fool and their money are soon parted. Bwahahahahaha.”
In 1997 she fled Australia under investigation for embezzlement and reckless driving causing death, but according to her biography has been a powerful psychic from a very young age. "I can't see my own future," she explained, in reference to fraud allegations in Monte Carlo in 1999, "But that doesn't make me not psychic. You can't prove I'm not psychic! Bwahahaha." She began her telephone service in 2002, quickly recruiting more than two hundred psychics from amongst the unemployed in Chicago, America. To date, her empire is worth more than 500 million dollars.
“Your psychic powers are questionable.”
“...with a 100% money back guarantee. Does not include cost of postage and handling or packaging and creating. Use at own risk. Device has no intended purpose. Product may contain misleading material. Do not inhale while using.”
Also known as 'The Chosen one of Zaar', from his time as a cult leader in Mexico, the Swindler shot to national fame in Canada when he started a series of telemarket advertisements for his various health products. The 'Abhancer' was a machine that apparently can provide men with 'A rippling six pack within three months by using it only ten minutes a day, for only three payments of 49.99', but turned out to be a car battery and set of wires, the primary result of usage being 'damaged skin and muscles' according to the Canadian Board of Medicine.
Fleeing the country to avoid controversy, Swindler launched an effective campaign for "revolutionary" creams that his advertising claimed cured acne, warts, and emitted an odor of irresistible attractiveness to the opposite sex, or the same sex, if the user was homo-sexual. His skin beauty products, along with his self help book empire, has amassed him wealth that allows him to live in a crystal palace where he eats caviar off the breasts of virgin hand-maidens, while stepping only on the pettles of near extinct flowers.
“There is no scientific basis to, well, what I mean to say is that, there is heavy, or some disagreement, on the breadth and likelihood on the extreme claims of scientists on the possibility of said event.”
“I propose there are two equally valid and opposing views on the issue. People have the right to be exposed to both sides of an argument.”
Argumento is a lawyer/vampire and lobbyist and continues to have a long, successful, if controversial, career. Known for his deft usage of the Chewbacca Defense, Argumento has enshrined in law that it is illegal to sue certain companies from ‘death due to overly enthusiastic usage by, or upon, an individual’ of their product, thus gun manufacturers, cigarettes companies, alcohol producers, drug manufacturers, chemicals producers and food distributors have retired much of their lawyer staff.
“Arms Co. mourns with everyone over this needless tragedy. If more people had of bought our latest sub-machinegun brand, then the gunman would not have had such an advantage over the general civilian.”
Argumento can often be found laughing and rolling around in money within his diamond studded bath, in his high-tech Doom Fortress, located at an undisclosed location.
“Your view point is probably biased.”
edit Corporal Crime
“Know when to cash in your stock.”
Corporal Crime's has a variety of powers and is team leader. His special defense powers are money, as well as a chant making him immune to harm - known to be something like 'Eye kannot reemembah thoze eeventz.' With his powerful defenses, his offense is devastating, allowing him to cause widespread, long term, biological harm to 'living things' in his pursuit of more powerful defenses. His home, surrounded by a ten acre exclusion zone, equipped with complete environmental filtration, allows him to not suffer any of 'the real world'.
“Bow down and worship me, mortals.”