From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article or section may be Overly British. Americans may not understand humour, only humor. Canadians and Australians may not understand anything at all. Don't change a thing to remedy this.|
“I like my tea after sex.”
“I like my tea before, after, and during sex.”
“I pity the foo', who doesn't leave his tea to brew for at least five minutes!”
“Tea is my life ”
Tea is the national drink of far too many places, including Saturn. While there are many types of tea, all of them suck (and blow) with the exception of 'your tea', the tea you make in your own home, nobody can hope to better or be compared with it. All teas contain the same vital ingredient -- dihydrogen monoxide, a known toxin and incredibly bad joke made by people of scientific bent. Tea is a major component in antimatter physics, and tastes nice with a chocolate suggestive biscuit as well. All Brits are born with a natural reflex that allows them to make a cup of tea without ever seeing one being made or being told how to. That is also the reason they say "It is not my cup of tea" if they dislike something. Even the PG Tips albino porch monkeys know how.
No matter the technicalities, when it comes down to it we crave some dried leaves, hot water and bovine lactation.
The origins of tea
Tea was, in fact, the original "Note to follow Sol". Up until this point, everyone enjoyed their jam and bread with cups of La. Tea got fed up of being stuck behind Sol in the musical arpeggio and, with a swift left hook, smacked La in the face so hard that it sent him to another planet, (Henceforth called 'La la land') and gave him the biggest black/white eye (add milk for preference) ever seen. La eventually returned to the position following Sol. However, he has never since regained his former glory. He can now be seen making friends with scousers and being half a teletubby. Sol was, when asked, predictably nonchelant about the whole affair, responding when questioned with a simple "So?"
There are many different theories as to how tea was invented. The most popular theory goes that a monk was sitting in the grounds of a monastery underneath a tea tree, carefully drinking a bowl of boiling water, when a passing bird defecated in the bowl. In disgust, the monk threw the soiled water vertically into the tree. The water spread through the tree, dripping down onto the now thoroughly pissed off monk. Some of the water, which had now infused itself with the tea leaves, fell directly onto the monk's tongue, leaving the monk with a pleasant taste in his mouth (which helped to counterbalance the searingly intense pain incurred by having a bowlful of boiling hot water splashed all over him). After having been released from hospital, he rushed back to the tea tree with a bucket of boiling hot water (only falling over and scalding himself again twice), and tea as we know it was born. (Incidentally, this is also the origin theory of the delicacy known as bird shit soup.
Another theory goes that tea was used by ninjas as a way of staying awake. This was used after some foolhardy young ninjas tried to cut their eyelids off -- good in theory, but they hadn't foreseen the problems this would cause, i.e. the inability to blink, the drying out of the eyeball, and most severely of all, automatic disqualification from staring contests due to cheating.
Tea has been discovered in many other ways. One day a truck driver was driving down a road and drank too much water, so he had to piss. He went into a forest and pissed on what is now known a tea plant. He had very bad aim and pissed way above his head onto some tea leaves. Some tea was then infused with his piss. The stupid guy had his mouth open and his piss went back into his mouth. But he thought, "That was the best piss I've ever tasted." So he got a bucket and put some tea leaves in it, and pissed in it. He brought it home to his family and they loved it. Later they started a tea company and sold his creation bottled throughout the world. His name was Earl Grey.
The English claim that it was they who in fact invented the principle of tea, although in the olden days, due to a lack of tea trees in England, they used pig toenails boiled in milk instead. Though foul, it helped the development of the English language somewhat. Before the invention of tea, all the English had to talk about was how piss-poor the weather was. Now, they could talk about the piss-poor qualities of their tea as well. Incidentally, the health of the English inevitably increased with the drinking of tea as it led to the creation of Tea Time, a ritual where drinking tea would summon a golden steam-powered mech suit, with which you could smash your enemies to bits.
It is also known that otters secrete sub-atomic tea particles (teons) into the water just before making a kill, in an attempt to lull their prey (usually an Englishman that's strayed too near to the riverbank) into a false sense of security. It always works.
The principle of tea was based on the curiosity of what water mixed with food would taste like.
How to make a perfect cup of tea
- Get someone else to do it for you.
- Failing that, make a cup of tea yourself, you lazy bastard.
- Go on, make us a cuppa, be a dear
- No, you layabout shitester, I always make the tea
- Awwwww, pleeeeeeeeeeaz
- see Ginger Hair
While this method can be considered a useful and quick primer, it is important to state that making a making a Proper Cup of British Tea is considerably more complicated.
The AW Tea Class Scale
HistoryCreated by Anna Ridewood, Founder of the underground tea drinking scene(Tea Club) and renowned Tea Making Expert James "Woodey' Gundry, The AW Tea Class Scale was devised in 2007 when it was noticed that many people were purchasing tea, some without licenses and even off the black market, not knowing what ingredients were contained within their beverage.
The scale is intented to give some indication of the class of tea the consumer is purchasing, so they know that if they are paying for GRADE A tea then that is what they are getting.
PLEASE NOTE: If the tea does not have the official AW tea Class on it's packaging, it has not been passed by the AW Tea Board and maybe extremely hazardous. Please be aware of any tea packaging that looks like it may have been tampered with. If you know of any organisations that you believe are operating illegally please contact us immediately, as peoples lives may be at risk.
ClassesThe AW Tea Class Scale is broken into 4 main categories, Elite being the finest, purest tea, and Illegal being the teas that are the most harmful and considered not fit for human consumption.
Elite - Whittards, Jing, good quality leaf tea of all types, especially Earl Grey
Advanced - Twinings, average quality loose leaf tea, Taylors and Yorkshire Tea
Standard -PG Tips, Tetley tea, standard breakfast teas
Illegal -Fruit Based Teas (blasphemy), No Frills, Tetley Red Bush, Tesco and other supermarkets value tea. Not even worthy of being poured on a woman's face during sex by James Bond, tea served on Ryanair and CrossCountry Trains
Types of tea
Abstracted Tea (or Lisp Tea)
(Define (make-tea X Cup) (cond [(emtpy? Cup)(+ X hotWater (make-tea Cup)] [(not(steeped? Cup)) (sleep 15)] [else (ready)]))
Name is self-explanatory. Usually possessed by your mum.
Souls of kittens stewed in water in the same manner as tea. Some see kitten tea as an alternative to kitten huffing. Older people have been known to suffer side effects, such as death(by dog attacks). It is by far the cutest tea on the market, regardless of the effects.
Tea that is made with full fat milk. Normally associated with the work place where it would be too much trouble to have different fat content milks in the fridge. Let’s just have full, everyone like that don’t they?
Tea infused with urine. Created when pissing occurs and it hits yourself. You have nothing else to do but put the piss in your guests tea
Tea made from oranges. Very popular in Holland, because William of Orange says so and because the people in Holland own all the tea plantations in India and Sri Lanka. However it is considered by most proper tea drinkers as wrong and dirty.
Exactly the same as Orange tea, but with 100g E732 food colouring, in order to make it a beautiful fluorescent yellow
This tea is made from tea, water, polonium, arsenic, ebola, chairs, francium, smallpox and anthrax, with mint to taste. It is served in asbestos cups, with spoons made out of razorblades. Understandably, this is the most popular type of tea with emo people and those in East-Korea.
I pity the fool who drink this tea.
“I ain't gettin' in no cup, fool!”
The heaviest tea in existence. First discovered by Sir Isaac Newtea in the year sixteen eightea tea. Nobody knew exactly what it looked like or where it was, but were happy enough to go along with Mr Newtea. Mr Newtea first realised the existence of Gravi Tea when he was sitting under a tree waiting for an apple, instead, some unruly youths pulled up in their Ford Capri and beat the shit out of him.
Used as a psychedelic stimulant by the Black Cats of the Nazi Party during The Human vs. Kitten War
“Witch Tea is this?”
Homoerotic Nipple Tea (HNT)
Made from the milk of lactating men or chicks (the chickens). Arnold Schwarzenegger is a prime producer of HNT milk. Does not make men gay, but might make them take up flower arranging, in order to get in touch with their feminine side.
Tea that is only drinkable inside it's lexical scope ( normally a tea cup ).
The only tea in the world that definitely, 100% exists.
“I am certain that I exist.”
Neil Armstrong took a packet of Moon Tea on board Apollo 11½. They never drunk it. The packet of tea is now displayed in the Museum Of Things That Don't Exist, along with Shakespeare's book How to Spell Properly Instead of Making Yourself Look Like a Twit In Uncyclopedia and John F. Kennedy's tutu.
One cup contains six shires collected from York.
Tea with a spoonful of heroin. Or alternatively, heroin with a spoonful of tea.
Cee Yu-en Tea
A bit fishy, this one.
Demonic Moonwizard Tea
Tea made with a real sense of purpose.
This is tea that is chilled to just above absolute zero, and then has a stick thrusted into it, creating a tea popsicle. Popular in many British sea side resorts, especially on the rare occasions that the temperature makes it above absolute zero.
Understandably, the best selling brand of tea in the world, ever. Anyone who has never tasted the cool, refreshing blend of tea and beer before is - and let's face it, everybody knows this - a big fat loser.
Exactly the same as ordinary tea, only with a beard.
Tea that is not unwelcome within the streets of Babylon
Boston Party Tea
Negative Tea (anti-tea)
Negative tea (symbol: -T) is used in anteamatter reactions. It is theorised that if a particle of tea were to collide with an anti-tea particle, then an explosion would occur that would wipe out the whole of, say, Essex, and possibly the Isle of Sheppey too.
Quite similar to Negative Tea, this reaction occurs when the scientists exploring Negative Tea decide to sit down and have a cuppa. The mixture of Tea, Positive Tea and Negative Tea in the enclosed atmosphere of a lab, creates natural Negativi Tea. The intoxicated scientists then decide the experiment probably won't work, and they've been wasting their lives with this crazy science mumbo jumbo. They go home, fail to see the point in existence, and commit suicide. Negativi Tea is fatal to anyone not born in England (where it is sold at all good tea retailers)
Tea that has been drained through the wool of a Welsh mountain goat, then drizzled with grated cheese and a bit of Worcestershire sauce. Only 162 people have died of goats tea consumption so far this year, the lowest figure for several centuries. It is by some deemed innapropriate, but most logical experts say
goatse goats tea ( goatse ) is perfectly normal.
Tea that has been dripped on a T-shirt, then wrung out back into the teapot. Very popular with airlines.
Tea Inspired By The Epic Swordfight Between The Mole Prince And The Deadly Assassin
In cinemas near you NOW! (15 certificate)
Tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea containing tea...
It's done by spitting in your own tea. For a fun variation on Spit Tea, spit in someone else's tea.
A tea made with Tiger genitals.That's why Tony The Tiger has none.
Tea that only tastes nice if you hit it over the boundary. Otherwise, it gives you the runs.
Tea made from coffee. Or possibly coffee made from tea. Either way, it tastes exactly like tea mixed with coffee, with a bit of Dandelion & Burdock mixed in there too for good measure. Also known as cotea.
The most needed tea across the entire world.
“It's good to feel wanted”
As sold in supermarkets everywhere, usually in a plain white box with "TEA" written on it. A speciality of Netto and Lidl. Sometimes confused with "Jewish tea," Crap Tea is usually simply an old chinese lady's dried breast's milk mixed with tangerine and essenses of japenese tea with crap the size of a log mixed in it. You know, the kind of crap that you can't even believe came out of you. "Oh my God, this may not be the time and place for this, but I was taking a crap today, and I couldn't even believe in when I looked into the toilet. The biggest log of poo turd was in there. It was so wide and I couldn't even believe it came out of my ass." -Your mother < Read the article on how to be funny and not just stupid.
- See Tea.
Sunset Rose Tea
Tea containing ridiculous amounts of sunlight and roses with a hint of spiciness. This flavour of tea is the best-seller among many tea-dealers and/or tea-pirates.
Tea that still has the spoon left in it, hence making eye-pokage a very real possibility. As found in ophthalmologist waiting rooms everywhere.
Tea made from otter fur. Very difficult to get hold of, due to the dangerous nature of the average otter.
Short for Super Heated Induction tea. S.H.I. is hotter than the sun, and is used in Tea Fusion (see below).
A singular lack of boiled water and the conspicuous absence of Earl Grey
Nest-Tea is a type of low quality tea manufactured by the Nest-Lee corporation. Nest-Tea is made from the nests of tropical birds rather than tea leaves to reduce the cost of manufacturing prices. The Nest-Lee corporation also produces Nest-Cafe, a type of coffee made from birds' nests.
An unusual and fascinating tea variety, now known to be fatal to cats and Oscar Wilde.
Why? Why, God, Why?
A very, very ineffective tea.
These can be made using ordinary bubble bath. Simply pour into a cup of Orange Tea.
see: Bubble tea
German Der Herr's Tea
Primarily made of sausages and sauerkraut, sometimes with a touch of nazi-essence.
Also known as Teh Brandburger Tea Tor
(Note: Spell properly, moron)
A tea that existed on Earth long before mankind came about. Christians believe that recipes for Tea Rex were placed here by the Devil to trick people, because the Bible didn't say anything about Tea Rex.
Extreme Tea (also known as railwayman's tea)
This is a special kind of tea that has two tea bags, two table spoons of sugar served in a skanky but rinsed cup.
A tea that tastes godly.
A delicious tea as well as a fashionable style of facial hair.
A less delicious, more static tea. Not a fashionable style of facial hair.
Tea Bone Steak
A tasty steak made using parts of the skeleton of tea.
A tea that never ends!
Tea that looks rather attractive, this is sadly however extinct
The grandfather of all tea, and in case your wondering.... yes Coffee is the opposite; we'll leave it there.
Tea developed by Apple computer inc. Version 6.46. Brewed from crushed iPod nanos, you can surf the net, call your friends and be beaten up by Bill Gates just for buying such icrap.
Tea that has a piece of Kaitlyn Smith dipped into it and stirred around. Yes, that would be her middle finger there. Doesn't it taste delightful? It tastes slightly of dance team and might have a bitter highschool after-taste.
Eh Bee CD Eeh Eff Gee Aych Aye Jay Kay Ell Em En Oh Pee Kew Are Ess Tea
You vee double you ex why zed.
Now I know my ABC, I deserve a cup of tea.
Tea that is totally normal bar the fact that it strongly believes that it is coffee.
Tea that can only be located at SeaWorld, due to its rarity. Manny-teas are so large, they are estimated to come in pints.....\
A dark and full-bodied tea from Glen Cove.
The only tea that is known to fly.
There's twenty of 'em.
The worlds most dangerous tea, used in Mortal Kombat.
Unlike normal tea, it is made with the leaves of younger tea plants and the buffalo buffalo newt. Buffalo buffalo buffalo newt, which was greatly aided by the invention of the tea strainer.
The most controversial tea on the market today. It is often used for sexual gratification or to show superiority over another individual after pwning them. Some believe this to be a magnificent and self-gratifying tea. Others fear it. This feeling intensifies the most after death.
Often referred to as the tea cow, this massive beverage can weigh anywhere around 1000 lbs. It is always found in water and is quite delicious. P-TEA, a division of PETA is concerned about this creature's survival in areas of warm, shallow, marshy coastal areas that are near land inhabited by humans and other creatures searching for a tasty, yet large, beverage.
Usually in the form of a liquid, this tea is wet.
This substance is 'tea ore', the most basic and unprocessed form of tea. It is harvested from rocks around the coastline of England, a big contributory factor concerning the shrinkage of Britain's land mass. Recent scientific studies have concluded that dry tea isn't found in rock, but it is the rock itself. Go outside right now and lick a rock. Yep, you've guessed it, tea. Is exactly what it doesn't taste of. Dry tea in it's rawest form tastes of rock.
A song by the Scorpions on their latest album, Hour I. This song is as pleasing to the ear as it is to the tastebuds.
A horrible black liquid that makes you choke upon consumption
Wee and Poo Tea
Made from elephant excrement, this is a delicacy in India. In Europe and North America, this type of tea is usually made of feces found in sewers. This tea has such a shitty taste that even omnivore Bear Grylls hates the damn thing.
Cant believe you read all these tea`s, tea
holy crap you actually read all these?
A special tea used by shinobi, originating from the island of Mauritius it was first brewed by a small family of ninja butlers to help ease the pains of ninja-constipation. Ninja Tea is mentioned in the 2nd verse of the Mauritian National Anthem.
Not tea... nor is it any good. Or drinkable.
Tea is a major source of power, especially in England, where tea is in abundance. The development of tea fusion in 1944 helped the British army to design cyborg beefeater armies (complete with rocket arms, jetpacks and silly hats) in order to take over the world ... eventually, after a few cups of tea and a good sit down.
Tea fusion works by bombarding molecules of dihydrogen monoxide with positive teons, creating a cataclysmic nuclear reaction that kills everything within a mile radius, but leaves everything smelling pleasantly of PG Tips all the same.
Scientists are now working on creating a tea-fusion reactor at Dungeness, which should provide electricity (and water) for the whole of the South East of England. This scheme is not without danger, though; last time they tried this, they created a crater the size of Birmingham. Sadly, they didn't create a crater in Birmingham ... but give it time.
Humty Dum Tea
Natural hallucinogen present in the early stages of the Humty Dum Tea brewing process.
Made from any tea, but added with a drop of Chuck Norris' blood. The aftertaste feels like you've been Roundhouse Kicked to the face by Chuck Norris himself, which is awesome, but is extremely deadly and often fatal for a normal human being (any human being who is not Chuck Norris).
“The cup that cheers but does inebriate. Unless you Irish it Up.”
“You can have as many spoons of sugar as you want, just don't stir them.”
“Proper tea is theft...”
“I was named after it”
“Sit down and drink your GODDAMN tea !@#$%^&*.”
“You've put fucking mushrooms in this havent you? ”
“You want... the taste of dry leaves boiled in water?”
“Come sit next to me, Pour yourself some Tea”
- Seven billion tonnes of tea are manufactured every second by monkeys all over the world.
- If you stacked every box of tea sold in the UK each year on top of one another, then you will have done an incredibly stupid thing, and will most likely be arrested.
- Tea is banned in Poland, due to Poland's ban quotas (whereby they must ban ten objects each year). Next to be banned: balsa wood.
- Tea rhymes with pea.
- There's trouble, right here in River City. It starts with a capital T and it rhymes with P and that stands for pool.
- The Pope likes tea.
- Captain Picard likes it too.
- So does Harrison Ford.
- Don't forget Mr T.
- The best sort of biscuit to dunk into a cup of tea is a rubber biscuit.
- The British Government's approved Recommended Daily Allowance (RDA) of tea is 5 litres for a man or a woman, though women must use smaller cups. However, there is a statutory minimum of 20 litres for builder, plumbers or electricions
- Tea is spelled with a T.
- Tea is a poor man's fake tan.
- Tea is an anagram of 'eat', which is in turn an anagram of 'ate'. Be it passed tense or present tense, you cannot eat tea. Just like you cannot drink 'krind', or steal tales, or punch phunc.
- In the United Kingdom, tea is often used as currency, called Liptons.
- Tea seems to scare away American patriots, once the aromas enter an American patriot's nose.