Tayport

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Barr Irn-Bru 6 X 330 Ml Pack Yon article may be overly Scottish, no British. Ye shouldnae dae anyhin tae fix it.

“A wig? Why, surely never!”
~ Oscar Wilde on the town's reputable car salesman

“A water fountain in every square mile? Truly, here is Utopia”
~ George Orwell on the enviable reputation Tayport had pre-1990

Tayport lies at the northernmost tip of the Island of Fife and is a small-scale city project with its own feudal system of government, similar to that employed in the nearby Royal Burgh of Wormit. Access is only possible by one road (which handily goes all the way through), via the harbour or Helicopter.

If you wish to enter by road, be aware that the Local council has made a concerted effort to rid the roads of Stuart Willison and Martin Beat by installing the largest speed bumps known to man on almost every single road. This has effectively de-stabilised the local economy as nothing with less ground clearance than a 1994 Vauxhall Frontera can drive from one side of town to the other, with local shops suffering as a result. Conversely, this has had a positive effect on the local car sales emporium, whose sales of Lotus engineered, Land Rover embarrassing SUVs has skyrocketed to the extent that Tom should be able to afford a new wig sometime soon, after losing his original hair-piece in the oft-remembered "Take back the Gregory Hall" riots of early 2006.

Another local man,envious of Tom's new found wealth tried to re-establish the tollbooth in to Tayport by erecting large gates on the outskirts of town but failed to realise that to be successful they should be across the road not alongside it.

edit History

Tayport

Strangely, there is no retirement home in Tayport.

Founded in the 1960s as a commuter town for Dundee, Tayport was constructed in the Moray Firth and towed into place opposite Broughty Ferry. Sadly, the bankroller, local businessman William Low neglected to notice that the existing town - named Ferryport-on-Craig - lay on a hill. The upshot of this oversight was that the new construction had to be split up and Tayport is still noticeably two separate towns - the posh bit on the hill and the scummy bit by the Tay estuary known euphimistically as the Mill Houses but better known as "The Millies" or "That smelly bit down by the Foodmek". As a result more than half of the new town could not be moved into position and was sold at a huge loss to the RAF who had just invented the word "Leuchars" and fancied building their little vision of utopia close to a small river that constantly smells of sewage. This still doesn't quite explain the monstrosity overlooking the bowling green at the bottom of Grey Street, however. Mr. Low tried to recover from this huge financial setback by opening a cut-price low quality greengrocer on every major road in Dundee although the debt was simply too large to cope with. Being shouldered with this burden crippled him and he was bought out in his entirety by Tesco. He can now be seen greeting Locheeians into the Stack Leisure Park store on wednesday afternoons and on other days buying his Buckfast from the old woman at the day and night store on Castle Street.

Tayport tries to exist in its own right and has gone as far as placing the sign for Tayport in front of the sign for Ferryport-on-Craig in an attempt to assert its superiority. Ferryport-on-Craig has had its revenge thrice in living memory, once by bastardising the Tayport sign to say "Twinned with Hell, Norway" secondly the word "sunny," was added above Tayport and below was written "itz the bizznizz." More recently the letters 'r' and 'v' from the message "Welcome to Tayport, Drive Carefully" were removed.

edit Landmarks and Notable achievements

Bins

Tayport has some nicely coloured bins

Every sunday since one rainy saturday in 1992 Tayport has hosted the second-largest car boot sale in Western Europe. Prior to this it was the largest car boot sale in Western Europe and was held every saturday. Sadly, this crown was stolen by Errol as it has more Portakabins, a big hangar and you're allowed to bring your dog and let it shit all over the runway.

Two local landmarks were recently bombed by Al Qaeda - these being the Town Bogs opposite the Post Office and the bogs down the common, next to the Caravan Park. The joke was on the terrorists though, as they were almost permanently locked and the subsequent difference is indiscernible as everyone just pissed in the phonebox by the well anyway.

Despite having half the population of nearby Newport, Tayport has twice as many pubs, all within staggering distance of one another but curiously, the aforementioned phonebox is not on this route. This suggests that rampant alcoholism is high in the town, although the truth of the matter is that while Tayportians are simple folk, they are sociable as well, and while a Newportian would rather stay in with a bit of fillet steak and a bottle of Chablis, their Tayportian counterpart would have already finished their Fish Supper and would be well on the way to glassing someone outside The Auld Hoose.

The period from 1962 to 1990 represented a Golden age in Tayport's history, with the council holding to its promise of "A water fountain in every square mile of Tayport". This claim brought George Orwell to the town to pen his seminal Novel Nineteen Eighty-Four, his reasoning that such utopia would be the perfect counterbalance for describing a dystopian vision of the future. Sadly, the council's proclamation was thrown into disrepute in the summer of 1989 when construction of "Spinnaker Point" commenced and Tayport's land mass edged over the one square mile mark for the first time in living history. The pressure was on to add a second water fountain to supplement the existing one down the braes. Sadly, this being not long after the start of the financial year, the council were unwilling to release funds as they were saving them up for a spurt of unnecessary roadworks starting mid-to-late March and the tagline was quietly dropped. The supply to the water fountain down the braes was cut off several years later although the structure itself remains.

That monstrosity overlooking the bowling green at the bottom of Grey Street, whilst still inexplicable, nonetheless was featured in the Stanley Kubrick film A Clockwork Orange and internally was the set for one of many notorious scenes consisting of Alex and his Droogs confining an old man to a wheelchair.

edit Sport

Tayport was allegedly on the telly once, when the Juniors played tiddlywinks with a Glaswegian bloke called Patrick Thistle at his home ground of Fur Hill.

Recently, the younger generation in Tayport have become interested in shooting people with airguns and hope to field an under 14s team in the forthcoming Commonwealth Games.

Not to be outdone the middle aged residents have recently formed several motorcycle stunt teams and can be seen most Fridays trying to jump their Honda step-throughs over the speed humps in Ogilvy Street.

In the early 1980s Tayport sported no less than 432 darts teams. There was great rivalry between the teams and sadly the Great Arrow Riots that occurred outside the Bell Rock in 1989 led to major loss of life and beer bellies. The single team that survived has a prayer meeting prior to each darts match and has a strict zero tolerance policy on consumption of alcohol and stovies eating.

Tayport boasts the 13th oldest golf course in the world and American tourists arrive in their droves in order to watch the weekly bunker-to-bunker over-70s nude dash. Unfortunately, this activity is now under scrutiny by the Scottish Sports Council as a number of the naked pensioners have began using electric golf buggies to take part instead of simply using the power of their own bunions.

At the end of 2008, both Rafael Nadal & Andy Murray became honorary inductees of the Tayport Tennis Club Hall of Fame. Rumour has it that male members - namely the Ness brothers - vetoed the proposal to also induct Roger Federer, for fear of losing their place in the first team. Federer has since joined Dundee West End.

edit Cuisine

Dougie's

Note severe lack of cats

Tayport's most long-established eaterie is the Shanghai on Cross Street, better known as Dougie's. Dougie's is notable for being the only Chinese restaurant in Scotland which does not use domestic housecat as an active ingredient, and as such is a purveyor of the worst-tasting Chinese food ever encountered. This is even including Jimmy Chung's. Conversely, Dougie's sideline as a chip shop is incredibly successful and produces good quality, tasty chip shop fare. You may even be served by the man himself depending on whether or not he has lost the shop in a Poker game that week.

The Zara Balti House is famous throughout the known universe - although not largely on earth - for being a non-running Tardis. Appearing out of nowhere sometime in 1977, the Zara looks for all the world like a small wooden hut, possibly a tool store for the council although inexplicably painted Porsche Peppermint Green, as Chic O' Hare bought too much when he painted his Transit van and swapped the rest of the tin for a Lamb Rogan Josh, Pilau Rice, a garlic naan and a tin of Irn-Bru. The Zara's externally diminutive dimensions betray the fact that it contains everything a food preparation area legally requires, such as segregated areas for cooked and uncooked meats, a wash-hand basin and enough toilet facilities for the staff which appear to number at least twelve.

Jane's Harbour Tearoom recently closed due to lack of interest coupled with the fact that their only asset - one of those wire Irn-Bru bottle holders from the late seventies - collapsed. It was hoped that it would be bought out by the folk who have the roll shop at the bridge car park but it will probably end up as a Polish "massage parlour".

There's a proper Chinese on Castle Street, but no one can remember what it's called.

Links Store, doon the Millies does a fabulous line in traditional Scottish fare, including the famous poloni roll. Lazy swines who can't be bothered to stroll up to the Co-op can also get their provisions, such as teabags, Buckfast, fags and sandpaper. Be warned not to purchase any toilet roll however as the smell of frying permeates through the tissue.

edit Trivia

  • Tayport is not in Dundee, despite what folk from Aberdeen may think. Most of it is owned by Dundee City Council though.
  • Local band Dogs Die In Hot Cars actually started life as a protest group who played at Tayport car boot sale, reminding dog owners that Dogs Die In Hot Cars, before finding fame by having one track on a Guardian compilation CD and being ripped off by The Kaiser Chiefs.
  • Tayport has the only completely circular toilet block in the world.
  • Tayport had the shortest 30mph zone in the entire world - little over nine foot of Scotscraig Drive - until the council realised that this wasn't long enough to park a Safety Camera Van on and it was promptly removed.
  • The Football ground "The Canniepairt" was actually named after a common phrase heard at one of its Car boot sales in reference to an inability to give change. As in: "A tenner? Ah Canniepairt that!".
  • Tayport is second only to Airdrie in the consumption of Buckfast and 20/20.
  • There are actually dolphins living in the dolphin centre and they can be seen daily making their way to and from the harbour.
  • Tayport holds the world record for having the most Avon representatives in one town.
  • Tayport was featured on North Tonight in 2007 in an attempt to win an £80,000 upgrade to the Dolphin Centre. The money will soon be used to create a drop-in centre for primary school kids weaning themselves off recreational drugs and also a mini-bar.

edit Famous Residents

Tomlego

Tom at home, relaxing, yesterday

  • Lorraine Kelly, one time Spice Girl and now a successful deviant, has been spotted on more than one occasion sunbathing topless down the harbour.
  • That bloke who does the weather on the telly who's not quite ginger.
  • Raymond from "River City"'s mum 'n dad, although he might not be welcome any more given that he failed to appear to open the 2007 Tayport Festival.
  • Tom Willison, full time member of Goldie Lookin Chain and also the model for the original Lego man, complete with removable hair.
  • Watty Dickson, the tramp who reportedly swapped the chance to live in a swanky mansion for the shed that used to sit next to the pond. Lewis Milne has also taken a shit in his shed-bed.
  • Ronnie & Jock Bomber, one of whom attempted to hold up a bus with a twig from his pocket.
  • David Tennant! Who now lives in Sandyhill Road, interestingly naming his house "Tennant's"
  • Brian & Joe are the only two gays in the village
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