Tayport

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Barr Irn-Bru 6 X 330 Ml Pack Yon article may be overly Scottish, no British. Ye shouldnae dae anyhin tae fix it.
“A water fountain in every square mile? Truly, here is Utopia”
~ George Orwell on the enviable reputation Tayport had pre-1990

Tayport lies at the northernmost tip of the Island of Fife and is a small-scale city project with its own feudal system of government, similar to that employed in the nearby Royal Burgh of Wormit. Access is only possible by one road (which handily goes all the way through), via the harbour or Helicopter.

If you wish to enter by road, be aware that the Local council has made a concerted effort to install the largest speed bumps known to man on almost every single road. This has effectively de-stabilised the local economy as nothing with less ground clearance than a 1994 Vauxhall Frontera can drive from one side of town to the other, with local shops suffering as a result. Conversely, this has had a positive effect on the local car sales emporium, whose sales of Lotus engineered, Land Rover embarrassing SUVs has skyrocketed to the extent that the chief salesman should be able to afford a new wig sometime soon, after losing his original hair-piece in the oft-remembered "Take back the Gregory Hall" riots of early 2006.

Another local man, envious of Land Rover's newfound wealth, tried to re-establish the tollbooth in to Tayport by erecting large gates on the outskirts of town, but failed to realise that to be successful they should be across the road not alongside it.

edit History

Tayport

Strangely, there is no retirement home in Tayport.

Founded in the 1960s as a commuter town for Dundee, Tayport was constructed in the Moray Firth and towed into place opposite Broughty Ferry. Sadly, no one noticed that the existing town - named Ferryport-on-Craig - lay on a hill. The upshot of this oversight was that the new construction had to be split up and Tayport is still noticeably two separate towns - the posh bit on the hill and the scummy bit by the Tay estuary known euphimistically as the Mill Houses but better known as "The Millies" or "That smelly bit down by the Foodmek". As a result, more than half of the new town could not be moved into position and was sold at a huge loss to the RAF who had just invented the word "Leuchars" and fancied building their little vision of utopia close to a small river that constantly smells of sewage.

Tayport tried to recover from this huge financial setback by opening a cut-price low quality greengrocer on every major road in Dundee, although the debt was simply too large to cope with. Being shouldered with this burden meant the venture was bought out in its entirety by Tesco.

Tayport tries to exist in its own right and has gone as far as placing the sign for Tayport in front of the sign for Ferryport-on-Craig in an attempt to assert its superiority. Ferryport-on-Craig has had its revenge twice in living memory, once by bastardising the Tayport sign to say "Twinned with Hell, Norway" secondly the word "sunny," was added above Tayport and below was written "itz the bizznizz."

edit Landmarks and notable achievements

Bins

Tayport has some nicely coloured bins

Every Sunday since 1992, Tayport has hosted the second-largest car boot sale in Western Europe. Prior to this, it was the largest car boot sale in Western Europe and was held every Saturday. Sadly, this crown was stolen by Errol as it has more Portakabins, a big hangar and you're allowed to bring your dog and let it shit all over the runway.

Two local landmarks were recently bombed by Al Qaeda - these being the Town Bogs opposite the Post Office and the bogs down the common, next to the Caravan Park. The joke was on the terrorists though, as they were almost permanently locked and the subsequent difference is indiscernible as everyone just pissed in the phonebox by the well anyway.

Despite having half the population of nearby Newport, Tayport has twice as many pubs, all within staggering distance of one another but curiously, the phonebox is not on this route. This suggests that rampant alcoholism is high in the town, although the truth of the matter is that while Tayportians are simple folk, they are sociable as well, and while a Newportian would rather stay in with a bit of fillet steak and a bottle of Chablis, their Tayportian counterpart would have already finished their Fish Supper and would be well on the way to glassing someone outside The Auld Hoose.

The period from 1962 to 1990 represented a Golden Age in Tayport's history, with the council holding to its promise of "A water fountain in every square mile of Tayport". This claim brought George Orwell to the town to pen his seminal novel Nineteen Eighty-Four, his reasoning that such utopia would be the perfect counterbalance for describing a dystopian vision of the future. Sadly, the council's proclamation was thrown into disrepute in the summer of 1989 when construction of "Spinnaker Point" commenced and Tayport's land mass edged over the one square mile mark for the first time in living history. The pressure was on to add a second water fountain to supplement the existing one down the braes.

Sadly, this being not long after the start of the financial year, the council were unwilling to release funds, as they were saving them up for a spurt of unnecessary roadworks starting mid-to-late March. The tagline was quietly dropped. The supply to the water fountain down the braes was cut off several years later, although the structure itself remains.

That monstrosity overlooking the bowling green at the bottom of Grey Street, whilst still inexplicable, nonetheless was featured in the Stanley Kubrick film A Clockwork Orange.

edit Sport

Tayport was allegedly on the telly once, when the Juniors played tiddlywinks with a Glaswegian bloke at his home ground of Fur Hill.

Recently, the younger generation in Tayport have become interested in shooting people with airguns and hope to field an under 14s team in the forthcoming Commonwealth Games.

Not to be outdone, the middle-aged residents have recently formed several motorcycle stunt teams and can be seen most Fridays trying to jump their Honda step-throughs over the speed humps in Ogilvy Street.

In the early 1980s, Tayport sported no less than 432 darts teams. There was great rivalry between the teams and sadly the Great Arrow Riots that occurred outside the Bell Rock in 1989 led to major loss of life and beer bellies. The single team that survived has a prayer meeting prior to each darts match and has a strict zero-tolerance policy on consumption of alcohol and stovies eating.

Tayport boasts the 13th oldest golf course in the world. American tourists arrive in their droves in order to watch the weekly bunker-to-bunker over-70s nude dash. Unfortunately, this activity is now under scrutiny by the Scottish Sports Council as a number of the naked pensioners have began using electric golf buggies to take part instead of simply using the power of their own bunions.

At the end of 2008, both Rafael Nadal & Andy Murray became honorary inductees of the Tayport Tennis Club Hall of Fame. Rumour has it that male members vetoed the proposal to also induct Roger Federer, for fear of losing their place in the first team. Federer has since joined Dundee West End.

edit Cuisine

Dougie's

Note the severe lack of cats.

Tayport's most long-established eaterie is the Shanghai on Cross Street, better known as Dougie's. Dougie's is notable for being the only Chinese restaurant in Scotland that does not use domestic housecat as an active ingredient, and as such is a purveyor of the worst-tasting Chinese food ever encountered. Conversely, Dougie's sideline as a chip shop is incredibly successful and produces good quality, tasty chip-shop fare. You may even be served by the man himself, depending on whether or not he has lost the shop in a Poker game that week.

The Zara Balti House is famous throughout the known universe - although not largely on earth - for being a non-running Tardis. Appearing out of nowhere sometime in 1977, the Zara looks for all the world like a small wooden hut, possibly a tool store for the council although inexplicably painted Porsche Peppermint Green. The Zara's diminutive dimensions betray the fact that it contains everything a food preparation area legally requires, such as segregated areas for cooked and uncooked meats, a wash-hand basin, and enough toilet facilities for the staff, which appear to number at least twelve.

Jane's Harbour Tearoom recently closed due to lack of interest coupled with the fact that their only asset - one of those wire Irn-Bru bottle holders from the late seventies - collapsed. It was hoped that it would be bought out by the folk who have the roll shop at the bridge car park but it will probably end up as a Polish "massage parlour".

Links Store, doon the Millies does a fabulous line in traditional Scottish fare, including the famous poloni roll. Lazy swines who can't be bothered to stroll up to the Co-op can also get their provisions, such as teabags, Buckfast, fags and sandpaper. Be warned not to purchase any toilet roll, however, as the smell of frying permeates the tissue.

edit Trivia

  • Tayport is not in Dundee, despite what folk from Aberdeen may think. Most of it is owned by Dundee City Council though.
  • Tayport has the only completely circular toilet block in the world.
  • Tayport had the shortest 30mph zone in the entire world - little over nine foot of Scotscraig Drive - until the council realised that this wasn't long enough to park a Safety Camera Van on and it was promptly removed.
  • The Football ground "The Canniepairt" was actually named after a common phrase heard at one of its Car boot sales in reference to an inability to give change. As in: "A tenner? Ah Canniepairt that!"
  • Tayport is second only to Airdrie in the consumption of Buckfast and 20/20.
  • There are actually dolphins living in the dolphin centre and they can be seen daily making their way to and from the harbour.
  • Tayport holds the world record for having the most Avon representatives in one town.
  • Tayport was featured on North Tonight in 2007 in an attempt to win an £80,000 upgrade to the Dolphin Centre. The money will soon be used to create a drop-in centre for primary school kids weaning themselves off recreational drugs and also a mini-bar.
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