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“We contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like Chuck Norris standing in a bucket, trying to lift himself up by the handle.”
“I once sat in a chair and lifted myself up off the floor by the sides of the seat. I mean I could do it over and over, but I don't feel like it. I did do it once, though.”
“ One time I stood in a bucket and my other self lifted me up by the handle~!”
- For Tax (dance move), see Tax (dance)
- For spelling correction, or what happened if not, see Texas
- There's death and there's taxes. This article is about taxes. See also income tax.
Taxes were invented when rich people got jealous of other rich people and decided that they deserved free money from poor people. This dates back a very long time ago but it was originally invented by mother Britain as a method to force Americans to get a job, today taxes are an interesting way to support the poverty-stricken US government. By paying just a dollar a day, you will ensure a small for yourself the following: one (1) 6 x 6 barred, dark, and urine-soaked cage with one (1) urine-soaked Ernie the Serial Rapist, an unspecified number (infinity) of cavity searches daily, and (2) fresh, urine-soaked meals weekly. Furthermore, you will supply one (1) urine-soaked Ernie the Rapist with recreational pleasure to last his short lifetime, which will almost certainly be longer than yours.
Taxes in America
Taxes is the American government's way to utterly fuck people!
Or the writers of this article meant Texas, but that's beside the point. They're both nasty things. Be very afraid.
Like most inventions of foreign nationals, Taxes have proven incredibly popular among the selfless populace.
Taxes were originally prohibited in the United States under the famous chant "No Taxation!" However, once America got involved in some wars, it had to bend the rules a bit. It was "No Taxation without Representation!" then "No Taxation without Representation unless you are a Convicted Felon" and finally "No Taxation without Representation unless you are a Convicted Felon or a citizen of Washington D.C. or you do not live in the United States but instead a conquered territory but if you like you can pay as much taxes as you want so you won't be audited unless you're Halliburton, in which case you can do whatever you want.
Republicans use the tax breaks ensure they win elections despite breaking their promises of giving a tax break (see tax-break paradox or American rip off double bluff for more information) as a platform to win elections. They promise tax breaks for the middle class during a campaign, then win the election from the duped voters. When the tax season approaches and the budget is revealed, the unfortunate suckers earning less than 50K see that they in fact got no tax break. The Republicans explain that the tax breaks went to the rich in order to stimulate the economy as promised.
The Democratic Party endorses the increased use of taxes, and applies them as a form of charitable donation from the poor to the rich. This furthers Trickle-Down Economics, an experiment initially attempted by Bernard von NotHaus in 1992 in Nigeria to test the viability of liquid money. It is a little tricky to deal with large sums, but two litres was enough to get a car, twelve litres would get a house, and ninety litres would fund the production of a decent film.
The real problem with the liquid money was that it was essentially mercury. If it ever got spilled it would tend to sink through the floor and trickle down on the people downstairs. Also, it was measured in the metric system, which is a stupid idea.
Since the rich spending money will help the poor climb out of their predicament, it only makes sense for them to fund their own enterprise. Through increased taxes from the poor, the rich have gained enough money to help many poor persons climb out of poverty, into a career of golf, horseback rides, and eating cake off the back of a Canadian hooker.
Tax revenues in the fiscal year of 2005 exceeded five dollars, in a report by the Gartner group.
Taxes have often been known to make many people yell, and on one occasion caused someone to say that taxes was one of the only things in life you couldn't avoid, along with death and that creepy uncle at Christmas.
Taxes Outside Amerika
Outside of Amerika, taxes are incredibly popular. They are known to sell out shows wherever they go; this reaches a high in Europe, where people are known to violently hurl their money at governments despite vocal rejection from the government itself. This uneasiness between the populace and the reluctant governments has led to many riots, the worst resulting in the Great Fire of London.
One newly proposed but very unknown - and very unpopular wiv da yoof - tax in the UK is upon a specific socio-economic group, with a distinctive fashion sense. The newly proposed tax is know in the halls of westminister as the chax, or the chav tax. The tax itself is proposed to be set at set at the cost of 10 burberry caps, partly due to the fact that burberry caps are in fact a recognised currency within the chavista community, and partly due to the fact that 10 is the maximum number to which Homo Chavicus may count. In trials of the tax, taking place in certain linconshire towns famous for their ASBO-bound youth population, the results are promising. For example, due to the chav's expenditure of 100% of their income on cigarettes and white lightening, no chav has the fiscal power to pay the tax, deterring them from that lifstyle. If the chav, however, is of the rarer Homo Chavicus Sin-Nicatinae sub-species, and the chav has the power to pay the tax, the fact that they could have bought 10 burberry caps with the tax money makes them think of the real costs of being a chav - and thinking is the first step of rehabilitation for a chav. There are, however, criticisms of the chav tax, but these are easily outweighed by the general positive effect that de-cavification has upon society at large.
Sweden has the highest taxes in the world and also has the most variants of them. For an example, in Sweden you pay special breathing taxes. This tax is one part of the feared Swedish medical care taxes and it was installed to prevent that someone would get out of air which is an ending resource in Sweden. There are also taxes paid for King Carl XVI Gustaf's hypermodern cars, the ABBA-group members' expensive eating habits, diapers of old people and usage of the Swedish language. Farmers must also pay tithe to the Church of Sweden. The president of the United States of America, George Bush, demanded in 2007 that Sweden must pay taxes to the US and also declared that Sweden further on would be a marionette and play a key-role in his corrupted plans of world domination.
Taxes are also many taxes within Canada. The high rate is due mainly to the fact Canada has a health care system, and a giant moth for a Governor-General, who needs constant feeding. In Canada, taxpayers are required to part their way with their Canadian Tire Money.