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“ They make me feel mighty real!”
“ There is only one thing worse than being in a faux-lesbian pop band, and that is NOT being in a faux-lesbian pop band... ”
“ Lipstick lesbians sucking face in their underwear? Been there, done that, smoked it, snorted it, reamed it! ”
tATu - (from the Russian ТрАйнтуь селсекс Труфеик лесбианс фрУмраща) or Taskforce Assigned to Terminate the United States - is a project desgined by the Russian Armed Forces "BlackOps" psychological warfare division. The project involves two nubile females who pose as pop entertainers. They dress onstage as private schoolgirls who engage in "lipstick lesbian" activities for the purpose of lulling unwitting American audiences into a state of sexual arousal. This will enable land, sea and air assaults to subjugate the masses and make way for a puppet regime.
Project tATu functions under the veneer of championing the Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender communities. Its ulterior motive is to tap into the latent pedophilic tendencies of heterosexual males and closeted housewives, thus throwing the United States into a state of chaos.
Agent Yulia Volkova was raised in Siberia by a pack of wolves. Agent Volkova is the operative trained and conditioned to behave like a typical pampered, self-indulgent pop star. Volkova specializes in spewing obscenities, consuming alarming amounts of vodka, projectile vomiting and gesticulating in a provocative manner. Of late, her faux-lesbian stage presence has been hampered by a major strategic miscalculation on her part: She is impregnated with the frequency of a wild hedgehog. She has mothered 17 children in the past four years. She is also a transvestite, but only on the second tuesday of every other month.
Agent Lena Katina was raised in a convent by the Sacred Order of the Paddled Posterior. Agent Katina blossomed into puberty with a hunger for the lash and other sadomasochistic practices. BlackOps quickly snatched her up and trained her in the arts of the BDSM Mistress - an archetype that American audiences find both repellent and alluring. Agent Katina is well versed in psychological intimidation, scathing sarcasm, whips, canes, riding crops, slings, strappados as well as various forms of medieval torture. She is also a cannibal.
Project tATu was first implemented against 20,000 test subjects at a child labor camp in the Ukraine. Upon their first live appearance, approximately 60% of the audience descended into a bacchinalian orgy of girl-on-girl, guy-on-guy, and guy/girl/guy/donkey sex. The remaining 40% exploded into the largest documented act of ritual cannibalism in recorded history. Agent Katina herself was swept into the vicious carnage when she shoved an ice pick into the throat of one of the roadies and supped on his gushing blood. "It helps my complexion you see," she later explained in an exclusive interview with Melody Maker magazine. "It keeps my skin supple and my cheeks ruddy." Agent Volkova stalked about the stage dressed in an old Soviet field commander's uniform while singing "The Lumberjack Song." Russian BlackOps regarded the experiment as a resounding success.
Agents Volkova and Katina were unleashed on a civilian population after recording the vocal tracks to their first public endeavor - an album entitled Parking in the Reserved Handicapped Section After Driving 200 km/hr in the Wrong Lane (known commonly among their mentally addled fan base as PITRHSAD200KM/HRITWL). Rammstein provided the instrumental tracks from the abandoned nuclear reactor plant in Chernobyl.
A single track was designated as the spearhead in tATu's psychological assault upon the US: "All The Things She Tried to Say After I Stuck My Tongue in Her Mouth" (commonly referred to by their traitorous, America-bashing fans as ATTSTTSAISMTIHM).
A music video was shot for ATTSTTSAISMTIHM on the very streets of Los Angeles - their first step in infiltrating American soil. The video depicted a huddled mass of dirty old men in overcoats ogling the tarted up singing duo as they performed their tongue-action routine behind a barbed wire fence.
Delays in production of ATTSTTSAISMTIHM were caused by an army of genuine dirty old men in overcoats who rushed the shoot and tried to clamber over the barbed wire fence in order to "get to know the two attractive young ladies" as one diseased old coot put it. Agent Katina's expertise with the bullwhip and her arsenal of disparaging remarks about the attackers' penis sizes barely kept them at bay.
The video was released in January 2002. Reportedly, millions of males between the ages of 18 and 45 - along with 800,000 closeted housewives - were mesmerized by the three minute video depicting girls "frenching" and flogging dirty old men in overcoats. Divorce rates and cases of abandoned children skyrocketed by 45% within one day of the video's release. The undoing of traditional American Values and the triumph of the evil Russian hordes seemed to be imminent...
With no other alternative, the US government turned to seasoned exhibitionist and provocateur Madonna for assistance. She immediately sprang into action by performing live for a special sattelite transmission to all the major cities of Russia. The stage act involved Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera engaged in a three way face suck in front of an altar in a synagogue. Moscow and St. Petersburg were in flames by the end of the performance and tATu, proving no match for Madonna's Kabbalah Jedi powers, were forced to withdraw.
Regroup and Restrategize
WNTWYYYLFSEAS, AAUREPLITKS and other Stories
Frustrated over their crushing defeat in the Land of Plenty, Volkova and Katina led ten squadrons of tanks into Chechnya, laying waste to 50 villages and forcing the survivors to listen to live performances of the songs that would appear on their next album Dangerous and Moving (DAM). Its flagship single was entitled "All About Us Re-enacting Every Position Listed in the Kama Sutra" (AAUREPLITKS).
Once the slaughter was done and the album was completed, it was released in the US in 2005 under the title, We're Not Through with You Yet, You Lazy, Fat, Sausage Eating American Scum (WNTWYYYLFSEAS).
Due to lax border patrols, the video for AAUREPLITKS was shot once again in Los Angeles. The video depicted the duo performing a Kama Sutra position known as the "Inverted Lingual Yoni Knot of Kali Ma," as Agent Volkova played a grand piano with her toes dressed in drag as the late Reverend Jerry Fallwell.
Alerted by the video airing on MTV, US Customs and the combined might of the Armed Forces were mobilized against tATu's second attempt at live performances in the US. They were forced out of Los Angeles and removed from sacred American soil once again.
Future Proposed Psychological Warfare Operations
tATu ended their recording contract with Russian BlackOps and found new management with retired champion Soviet boxer / murderer Ivan Drago. Following a strenuous, steroid enhanced physical regimen, the now muscular, mustachioed duo are working on their third musical effort, Waste Management, to be released in the US under the title: We Shall Sell Your Lovely Blonde Daughters into Slavery in Brunei (WSSYLBDISIB). An advance single from WSSYLBDISIB has been released: "220 Positions in the Kama Sutra We Did Not Cover in the Previous Single" (220PITKSWDNCITPS). A video for 220PITKSWDNCITPS is avaiable for viewing on YouTube.
“ Zey vill break you!”
Not To Be Confused With
- tATu Devochki fan site