Tasmanian Devil

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Tasmanian Devil

Taz
Scientific Classification
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Tasmanian
Order: Evil
Family: Devilia

Tasmanian devils are a species of evil meat-eating squirrels with sharp teeth bent on mayhem and destruction.

History

Tasmanian devils were created as the result of a German-based cultist group's attempt to raise Adolf Hitler from the dead. Former cult leader and Adolf's estranged brother-in-law Jorgen Von Hitler stated that the group followed all the typical Nazi-summoning ritual rules, such as drawing a swastika in goat's blood and circling around it chanting an ancient demonic tune. However, a squirrel got in the middle of the circle, leading to its grotesque and painful transformation into a hideous creature that would devour most of the cult members.

After its capture, the creature was sent to a laboratory in Tasmania to be dissected, studied, and fed to local Kookaburra populations. But the creature escaped and started its horrible rampage by breeding with the native squirrels. Which explains why there are no squirrels in modern Tasmania. Jorgen and the remaining cultists were later executed before we could receive knowledge on how to stop the epidemic.

Description

Tasmanian devils have jaws that take up their whole head. Their huge jaws contain lots of sharp teeth. Some specimens possess the strange ability to move around by spinning, creating miniature tornadoes that leave destruction in their wake. If you're being chased by a mini-tornado, it means that you're being chased by a Tasmanian devil and you're most likely screwed.

Tasmanian-devil

While having a similar craving for human flesh, this is clearly not a Tasmanian Devil.

The average Tasmanian devil has a brain the size of a blueberry. This limits them to speaking almost exclusively in gibberish, despite that they are from Tasmania and not Gibber. However, they are very short-tempered and have an insatiable craving for anything that contains meat.

Distribution and habitat

Most Tasmanian Devils live in the wooded areas of Tasmania and parts of Southern Australia, with the exception of the rare Canadian Tasmanian Devil which lives in southern Venezuela. Like the Drop Bear, the kangaroo, and the platypus, they have gained a status as one of the country's most ferocious top predators.

Tassie Devil Incident of 2004

Tasmanian devils are territorial animals that will not tolerate human disturbance. The most severe case would be the Human-Tasmanian Devil Incident of 2004 (better known as the Tassie Devil incident of 2004). Basically, a group of retarded construction workers built a second New York City in prime Tasmanian devil habitat. This would lead to the creatures killing most of the population and burning the city to the ground. The survivors went off to kill the mentally-retarded construction workers for their mistake.

Diet

Tasmanian devils will eat anything they can find, though their main diet consists of meat pies, pizza, dolphins, horse fetuses, garbage, and especially rabbits. They may even eat you if you come too close. Usually, a Tasmanian devil will come after you, but you may have a chance to get away as long as it doesn't spin like a tornado. Most Tasmanian devils die from heart attacks as a result of their hyperactiveness and over-eating.

Sometimes, Tasmanian devils will gather together to eat a carcass. Since they don't like sharing and they can't stand seeing each other in the vicinity, they will usually try to scare each other off with various ear-piercing screeches. Hilarious, cute even, but kinda scary and grating at the same time. It just comes to show them as the little freaks of nature they really are.

Tasmanian devil attacks

Tasmanian devils, ins spite of their reputation, attack few people. Those they do attack were retarded enough to poke them. Basically the people who jump into animal enclosures at the zoo in order to gain attention.

Tasmanian devil exorcism

Like most devils, Tasmanian devils can possess any random person who doesn't believe the existence of Christ. There are three signs to tell whether or not a person is possessed by a Tasmanian devil. The most obvious sign is that the person makes a series of weird growls and screams. Then the person would go hyper and start spinning around. If the person starts eating other people, your pet, or yourself, it means that you will have to call an exorcist.

However, the exorcist must be from Tasmania, as most American exorcists have no idea what a Tasmanian devil is unless they have watched the Looney Tunes. Since Tasmania is very far, you may have to wait about 2 or 3 days before you hope to be saved (if you can survive that long). Once the exorcist has arrived, expect that he bought an Aussie animal wrangler with him to help remove the animal from the body which it has eaten from the inside. The Tasmanian devil can be removed from the heart area as it the last part that it eats. Once the devil is properly removed, try reading Dr. Frankenstein's instruction manual in order to bring its deceased half-eaten victim back to life.

How to survive a Tasmanian devil attack

Taz spinning

The last thing most Tasmanians see.

If you run into a Tasmanian devil, you will probably die. 92% of all people who run into Tasmanian devils usually have a 3.2% chance of survival. Whatever you do, don't try to kill a Tasmanian devil. You will fail horribly and get yourself eaten. Only three people have the ability to kill Tasmanian devils: Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris, and Weegee. If you read this, however, there may be just a little glimmer of hope of you surviving a Tasmanian devil attack. The best way to protect yourself from Tasmanian devils is bringing at least one if not all of these items:

  • A gun: A good choice, until the Tasmanian devil starts spinning; the bullets will then be deflected back at you.
  • Live pigs: To keep a hungry Tasmanian devil busy while you escape.
  • A bucket of acid: Throw this in your face. It'll hurt so much, you won't even feel yourself being eaten alive.
  • Crucifix and holy water: These can easily deter any Tasmanian devils. However, they have to be made in Tasmania, and be blessed by Steve Irwin, or they'll be useless.
  • Kenny McCormick: The same reason you'd bring the live pigs.
  • A knife: Good for when a Tasmanian devil starts spinning (it will carve itself like an apple).
  • Tasmanian devil repellent: Spray this all over yourself, and its horrible odor will keep Tasmanian devils away. However, it will attract raptors with chainsaws.

See also

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