Tasmanian Devil

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Tasmanian Devil

Taz
Scientific Classification
Kingdom: Animalia
Phylum: Chordata
Class: Evil
Order: Satania
Family: Devilia
“WRAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!”
~ Taz on Tasmanian devils.

Tasmanian devils are a species of evil, freakish, mutants. They may look like small rodent things, but don't let that trick you. They are actually minions of Satan!

History

It is a widely known fact that Tasmanian devils are the only animals on earth that weren't created by God. They were created by Satan. Satan wanted to spawn a new source of terror upon the world because his usual army of demons were becoming useless due to the invention of marijuana. So Satan tried to create his new source of terror by tossing some intoxicated demons into a pit of fire. During the process, a squirrel fell into the pit, looking for its nuts. Then lots of squirrels fell into the pit looking for their nuts. An hour later, Satan went to check on his creation, hoping for it to be a big monster. Instead he found this stupid mutant rodent thingy. For some reason, he blamed Tasmania.

Description

Tasmanian-devil

A clear sign that the tasmanian devil is about to attack. It is also a sign of doom.

Tasmanian devils usually look like mutated rats or something, but they are actually marsupials. These badger-sized freaks have jaws that take up their whole head. Their huge jaws contain lots of sharp teeth, which they use to kill creatures who piss them off. Some Tasmanian devils have the strange yet deadly ability to eat/kill/huff/destroy everything in sight by spinning like tornadoes. If you're being chased by a mini-tornado, it means that you're being chased by a tasmanian devil and you are gonna be screwed.

Tasmanian devils are known for being stupid and having brains the size of a blueberry. However, they are very short-tempered and get angry very easily. If you see a Tasmanian devil, don't make fun of its stupidity, over-sized teeth, or mutated rat-like appearance. Otherwise it will eat you alive.

Distribution and habitat

Most Tasmanian Devils live in the wooded areas of Tasmania, with the exception of the rare Canadian Tasmanian Devil which lives in southern Venezuela. Tasmanian devils were introduced to Australia when retarded/drunk pirates crashed into Ayers Rock. The satanic marsupials, which were on the ship, escaped into the outback. Like the Drop Bear, the kangaroo, and the fire-breathing platypus, they have become a significant problem to Australians (not that they aren't a problem for other people, which they are).

Tasmanian devils usually live in areas far from human disturbance. If humans do disturb them, the Tasmanian devils will get rid of them in the most horrible manner possible. This is what happened in the Human-Tasmanian devil Incident of 2004. Basically, a bunch of mentally-retarded construction workers built a second New York City in Tasmanian devil habitat. This resulted with the Tasmanian devils killing most of the population and burning the city to the ground. The survivors went off to kill the mentally-retarded construction workers for their mistake.

Small Tasmanian devil populations also survive in Chicago. It is said that they are spinning their way into New Jersey.

Diet

Tasmanian devils will eat anything they can find, though their main diet consists of meat, pie, forest animals, pizza, cars, dolphins, severed horse butts, garbage, and stuff...and of course rabbits.

They may even eat you if you come too close. Usually, a Tasmanian devil will come after you, but you may have a chance to get away as long as it doesn't spin like a tornado. If it does, you're screwed. Tasmanian devils have no predators, except Tasmanian angels, which are just as vicious but only kill and eat Tasmanaian devils and sinful people. Most Tasmanian devils die from heart attacks as a result of their hyperactiveness and over-eating.

Sometimes, Tasmanian devils will gather together to eat a carcass. Since they don't like sharing and they can't stand seeing each other in the vicinity, they will usually try to scare each other off. Have you ever seen those videos with the Tasmanian devils screeching and making those weird noises at each other? Hilarious but kinda scary and annyoing at the same time. It just comes to show them as the little freaks of nature they really are.

Tasmanian devil attacks

Tasmanian devils attack more people a year than sharks, venomous snakes, drunk drivers, grues, terrorists, and penguins put together. Hardly anyone survives a Tasmanian devil attack, and those that do survive usually lose their body parts. Some guy gave a Tasmanian devil the finger, and commited suicide after his middle finger was eaten off.

Some people even get horribly deformed from the attacks. Upon surviving a Tasmanian devil attack, a guy named Lenny McKockburg got his eyeballs shoved up his nostrils and his tongue in his left ear. Also, his right testicle is now located on the lower part of his chest.

How to survive a Tasmanian devil attack

Taz spinning

The last thing most Tasmanians see.

If you run into a Tasmanian devil, you will probably die. 92% of all people who run into Tasmanian devils usually have a 3.2% chance of survivial.

Whatever you do, don't try to kill a Tasmanian devil. You will fail horribly and get yourself eaten. Only three known people have the ability to kill Tasmanian devils: Jesus Christ, Chuck Norris, and Weegee.

If you read this, however, there may be just a little glimmer of hope of you surviving a Tasmanian devil attack. The best way to protect yourself from Tasmanian devils is bringing at least one of these items:

  • A gun: A good choice, until the Tasmanian devil starts spinning; the bullets will then be reflected back at you.
  • Live pigs: To keep a hungry Tasmanian devil busy while you escape.
  • Corrosive acid: Throw this in your face. It will be so painful, that you won't even feel the Tasmanian devil eating you.
  • Crucifix and holy water: These can easily deter any Tasmanian davils. However, they have to be made in Tasmania, or they'll be useless.
  • A knife: Good for when a Tasmanian devil starts spinning (it will carve itself like an apple).

If all else fails, just let the Tasmanian devil eat you. Your life sucked anyways.

See Also

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