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"Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died."
~ Steven Wright on Tarot cards
Welcome to the Numinous World of Tarot, the Mystical System
- Tarot is a secret and mysterious system of metaphysical teachings of the Illuminati that is physically represented in the mundane world by 79 (or later 78) tarot cards, consisting of 23 (or later 22, with the sudden and unexplained disappearance of the Master Card) major arcana and 56 minor arcana cards. The aforesaid latter 56 minor arcana are divided into 4 suits of 14 cards each: Spring, Summer, Fall and Winter. It has been speculated that the 22 trumps of the Major Arcana were influenced by either the 22 letters of the Hebrew alphabet or by the 22 properties of the Monopoly boardgame.
Re-Discovering the True Essence of Tarot
You won't find it in the dusty tracts of the 18th and 19th century French occultists à la Etteilla Barber, Wirth, Papus, and Napoleon. Their works and words are misguided and bear no resemblance to the True Essence of tarot. They know nothing of Life and its Spirit.
Benefit from my errors and experiences: The one only sure Way is to seek out and find an Illuminati to be your pupil-master, to lead you by the hand out of the proverbial Platonic cave of darkness. Get thee to a coffee-shop, look for someone who looks like they drink too much espresso in a day, and odds are, they're an Illuminati to illumine you out of the darkness. However, make sure that they're not an Illuminati newbie; that's worse than reading the French occultists. Or, you could just get high.
Uses of Tarot in the Aquarian Age of Tarot
Acceptable use for (re-)discovering the True Essence of tarot according to the Highest Illuminati:
- Psychological Tarot readings, i.e., using tarot cards for Depth Psychology, or Rorschach® ink blot tests. (A way to practise as an analyst without being a qualified psychologist, psychiatrist or Jungian analyst -- The Illuminati are all for Equal Opportunity.)
Unacceptable Uses: (Not recommended, but listed here for completeness, as this is Uncyclopedia, dude)
- For earning pocket change or the rent shortfall by fortune-telling (fatalistic prediction) with the cards
- For planning your choice of wardrobe or lover (in that order)
- For having something to collect that collects dust itself
- Tarot is a method of thought control and levitation and travel between the five dimensions. However, it is not a religion and has no creed. It seeks only the Truth.
- It enjoys a cult following among espresso coffee drinkers and call-center employees throughout the Southern United States.
- The Tarot is also a cool way to control people through the power of suggestion.
Welcome to the Wonderous World of Tarot, the card game
Tarot is also a collectible card game created by Dick Garfield and later bought by the company Wiki Wizzards in 1994, which was purchased by Harpo in September 1999. Tarot 'magic cards' inspired an entirely new hobby genre and has an estimated six million players in over three countries worldwide, as well as a successful Internet version. Tarot is a strategy contest that includes an element of chance due to the random distribution of cards from shuffling.
Each game represents a battle between powerful wizards called "Master Batera" or "Jane Hobbits" who use magical spells, items, and fantastic creatures to defeat their opponents. The game has an official tournament system, called Tarrochi, with tournaments having been played on all three continents, including Antarctica. The cards themselves are valuable, much like other trading cards, but in the case of tarrochi, a card's value is primarily based on its power and utility in game play, not just its scarcity and other intangible aesthetic qualities such as the quality of its artwork, as tarot cards are designated by various types and colors.
Romancing the Tarot
In a game of Tarot, two or more players are engaged in a duel. A player starts the game with twenty life picas and loses when he or she runs out of life picas. The most common method of reducing an opponent's life is to attack with bad breath, although numerous other methods exist. In addition, some cards specify other ways to win or lose the game.
Players duel each other by casting court cards using mojo, or sexual energy, typically drawn from minor arcana cards. Spells can have a single, one-night effect, set up a lasting magical enchantment, or summon a beast to fight for its player. More powerful spells cost more mojo, or even other resources such as a player's own life picas or rings from his or her hand.
Some spells have effects that override normal game rules (e.g., allow a player to play more than one trump per turn). The so-called "Golden Shower of Magic" is that if a card's number is higher than any other player's card, that player may automatically golden shower the rest with magic. Resolving interactions between conflicting spell effects is one of the more difficult aspects of game play. A detailed Tarot rulebook exists to clarify these conflicts.
The Complete Tarot Rule Book
- - The first rule of the Tarot is, you do not talk about Tarot.
- - The second rule of Tarot is, you DO NOT talk about the Tarot.
- - If someone says stop, goes limp, taps out, the tarrochi is over.
- - Two Master Bateri to a tarrochi.
- - One tarrochi at a time.
- - No sunglasses, no pants.
- - Tarrochi will go on as long as they have to.
- - If this is your first night playing Tarot, you have to tarrochi.
Ronald McDonald and the Tarot
For a short time in Japan, Ronald McDonald was a tarot card reader operating under the pseudonym "DONALDO" He gave up his tarot reading practice and renounced his New Age views on religion when he discovered that tarot cards were originally made for games. He now thinks its more fun to play card games with tarot cards and has become the tarot game movement's most well known spokesperson.
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