Tapler

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Tapler2

A Tapler prototype.

The Tapler[1] is a profoundly handy office supply used to dispense both Tape and Staples. Its invention in 1987 passed by unremarkably, but was revamped for the Digital Age and promptly sold like wildfire.

edit How to use a Tapler

The Official Tapler Manual lists seven easy steps for utilizing the Tapler:

  1. Read Tapler Manual and understand each step thoroughly, including (but not limited to) this step.
  2. Use Tapler(s).
  3. Do NOT break Tapler(s). Breaking and/or damaging of Tapler(s) may result in an inability to properly utilize Tapler(s).
  4. Do NOT file a lawsuit . Suing us will result in catastrophe.
  5. If a green glow emits from the Tapler(s), contact the proper Hazmat authorities.
  6. You are done.
  7. Stop reading Tapler Manual, until such a time comes that you may need to read it again.
  8. Close booklet.

Confusion related to Step 6 and 7 has caused many of the manuals to be left ajar, as people have already stopped reading after reading Step 6. People often just used their Taplers to taple the manual closed in a panic, and then never used it again.

edit History

Now that you've memorized and assimilated every other part of this article into the very fiber of your being[2], it's time to learn the history of this Excalibur amongst lowly peasantfolk.

The Tapler would not grace God's green Earth until the late 80's, a tumultuous time desperately in need of yet another unnecessary, trivial doodad. But before that, they needed a savior to deliver it to them in a silky basket woven from the elusive Peachleaf Willow tree; enter Edwin Loewenstein.

edit Invention

Scary guy

Edwin Loewenstein, delivering his epic catchphrase: Don't look in the trunk, don't look in the trunk.

Loewenstein was an unassuming and rather queer fellow. He kept to himself, squirreled away in his home doing God knows what with his time. Some of the local schoolyard chums occasionally dare themselves to enter his ominous abode, though few so much as pressed a single toe against his overgrown and sickly yellow lawn before he called the cops. Some said he was mad, a perplexed old man with a warped sense of reality. And indeed, many a night would he spend cackling to himself loudly with the windows open, and during the day would he strut about the town absently like he was cock-of-the-walk and would completely ignore his neighbors. So yeah, he probably had a few bolts missing here and there.

One night, while in his cellar working on his mysterious arts and crafts project and cackling like a goose in heat, he was taping and staping away at his project when he realized that he had run out of staples, but not tape. This greatly startled him, and he spent a whole week mumbling to himself alone in his basement. When he found the courage to stand up again, he stood up. But after that, he became greatly inspired to create such a device that contained both tape and staples so that no one would ever suffer the trauma he suffered again.

And so, he spiffed up his shoes, put on his best Sunday dress, and strolled right into the State capital city with his prototype. Despite the malodorous smell of rotted milk and cat fur about him and outlandish manner[3], several Office supply companies accepted his product. Edwin rejected the companies kind offers, however, fearful of their frank accents and suits. He started his own company instead. It was not but a few days later when he came sniveling back to the nice men in fur coats.

edit Tough Times

Sadly, the Tapler did not sell well. The everyday businessman refused to acknowledge the potential of a device suitable for both tape and staples. The mind boggles at the wonderment and gaiety of such a thing. Are we expected to get work done with such an apparatus? What would the stockholders think? And what of the earnings? The earnings, I say!

And so, the everyman stuck to the old ways of lore, using two individual dispensers for their fastening needs and desires.

edit The All New 2005: Massive success

Tapler3

Slickness.

In 2004, Edwin died of AIDS[4]. His stepson, Merl, took his place at the company, and redesigned the Tapler for the 21st Century. It was recolored silver with a streak of flame/lightning[5], given a glue extension, and spoilers. It was more sleek, Aerodynamic, and sexy than ever before. It sold considerably better, and was critically acclaimed, beating Titanium-plated Paperclips and Hydropneumaticly Suspended Cubicle for Best New Office Supply, though the Hydropneumaticly Suspended Cubicle won People's Choice. It was also the hot new Christmas gift, though it was regretably snubbed by Jews on whatever holiday it is they celebrate. Still, despite the craze, some still doubted its worth. I mean, we can't risk the chance that its lustrous sheen and delicate beauty might seduce the interns with its tasty charms and winning smile. And what of the earnings? THE EARNINGS! AM I THE ONLY SANE ONE LEFT?!?

edit The Tapler Today: A Proud Tradition

The Modern Tapler has been virtually forgotten, save for this article. A relic of bygone ages, if you will. The Earnings were given back their rightful place on the business hierachy, right between Microsoft (#1) and Money (#3). The Tapler was, likewise, put in its place: underneath the novelty Paperholder, at #3476. In an ironic twist, The Tapler itself has been used in recent times as a novel holder of papers, and as such insiders have been saying for weeks now that the two are expected to swap places.

edit Accidents and Injuries

Now, we take you down a dark and unforgiving alley of the Tapler's obscure history: step out of the sunshine-laden field in which you now stand and prepare to meet some of the Office's most gruesome stories of discomfiture and indignity. Witness for yourself the horrors of "The Three B's of Tapler-related Injury".

edit Burns

From time to time, we all find ourselves working late. We all have asshole bosses. There's no shame in confessing it. You gotta fill the maw, man. Feed the beast. But few mortals have been caught up in such a stapling/tapling frenzy that they heat up to such intense heats as to cause severe burns, or minor explosions. This has happened but twice in history: The first time was January of 1994 in Saudi Arabia at the end of The Great Arabian Staple Surplus of '93, and second, during June 2002 in the frozen barrens of Alaska[6]. Hundreds were injured.

edit Blunt Trauma

This one ain't pretty. Blunt Trauma - or being "Abrased and Contused", as some jokester doctors call it - is physical trauma caused to a body part, either by impact, injury or physical attack[7]. This can occur when a tapler is thrown in projectile very, very fast (like in the Los Angeles Tapler Gun riot) or when pulled downward by gravity at high speeds (like the freak environmental disturbance when taplers fell from the sky, or that one avalanche from a Tapler factory atop the Himalayas).

edit Buttocks

Have you ever had the displeasure to experience what feels like several pairs of hypodermic needles enter your buttocks at high velocity, while simultaneously hearing your coccyx (tailbone) crunch and feeling the stinging agony that accompanies what seems like a snake-like object tighten and coil itself around your hiney? If so, this is much like what would happen should a tapler turn on you and happen to take particular prejudice against your hind section. Fortunately for us, an event of this magnitude has not yet befallen mankind. Unfortunately, similarly damaging events have occurred to certain people in a certain body part where the damage was so crippling and unspeakably grotesque that I dare not recount the details in public for fear of startling younger ears. Also, this articular body part does not start with a "B", nor do any of its synonyms begin with "B".

In conclusion, it's just plain freakin' amazing that these sick people have not yet been sued.

edit Footnotes

  1. Rhymes with "Stapler"
  2. Or randomly skipped here.
  3. And, of course, the dress.
  4. To be quite frank.
  5. Customizable.
  6. Very complicated. Some teenage pranksters thought it would be worth a chuckle and a larf to set their school's supply of taplers on fire. After all, they all said "inflammable" (a word which means flammable).
  7. Thank you, Wikipedia. [1]

edit See Also

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