From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Tantra (Sanskrit: तन्त्र, the Yoga of Lovingly Shagging with Intent) is the Asian philosophy of sexual ecstasy associated with physical enjoyment as a pathway to enlightenment. The Tantra discipline is commonly identified with the practice of experiencing throes of ecstasy through rituals associated with the tantric motto "From your mouth to God's ear".
Tantra is a Sanskrit word composed of the roots "tanu", or physical body, and "tra", to liberate. Most scholars say the practice is based on the Sanskrit scripture “Kama Sutra” (translated as either "lust thread" or "get your game on"). Dealing candidly with sacred sexuality, most tantric practices involve males (or shemales) withholding ejaculation within their groin until a long time later when the couple or triple reach spiritual fulfillment as the liquid physical pressure builds to a crescendo. Then, of course, the males ejaculate all over the place and as far as possible, and the woman explodes for the third or tenth time and screams like a sinuous flowing torso moving pelvic thrusting Pandoran banshee.
Tantrism has influenced Hindu, German, Dutch, Japanese, American, Hippie and other art forms, various randy and ricky traditions, and, in the 1970s, finally gained a mainstream audience through the documentary films of Tibetan Buddhist tantric masters Linda "Swami Openwideananda" Lovelace and John "Sherlock" Holmes.
In the western world, people think that Tantra refers to either a sexual encounter with revved up results or to flavored ancient Indian pee. In fact, most western writers and adherents try to separate Tantra sex from its core of experiencing one's consciousness as a unified whole associated with both the all-seeing eye and the void of nothingness. Assuming they know it all, they try to fit Tantra into their limited belief system (B.S). These know-it-alls then pass their little knowledge to other know-it-alls, and soon everybody knows-it-all without knowin' nuttin.
Tantra further defined
The Sanskrit word Tantra derives from 'tanu', meaning body, and 'tra', meaning to expand, spin out, weave, shag, and ultimately become liberated from material bondage. Tantra takes the approach that one should not reject the body and its desires, but actually embrace them, and your neighbors them, and your babysitters them on the road to enlightenment. Tantra shares the view that sexual intercourse can be a sacrament and a means of spiritual transformation.
The common view of sex by most western men is that you become stimulated and within seconds are ejacualating all over someone's face, solely for pleasure's sake. In sacred tantra, ejaculation control is cultivated, and adherents go beyond sex into a new realm of "mystical awareness".
In other words, Tantra sex expands consciousness, and allows your perception to include the all and the void at the same time. It weaves together the polarities of male (represented by either the Hindu god Shiva, the hippie's god Pan, or the American comedian Chris Rock), and female (embodied by the Hindu goddess Shakti, the discordian goddess Eris, or the latin singer Shakira), into a harmonious whole.
"Sexual energy is also a powerful tool for creating health," says Christiane L. ButterCups, Mad.Doctor., author of "Women's Bodies, Women's Wisdom, Then Woman, Do My Laundry and Cook My Damn Dinner Already, Bitch!"
"By using sexual energy consciously, we can tap into a true source of youth and vitality," the 89-year old Buttercups explained and demonstrated, hanging from her knees from a chandelier, a can of lubrication in one hand and her remaining ounce of sanity in the other.
How Is Tantric Sex Unique?
In the West people may go through their whole life viewing sex as a source of secretion and recreation rather than as a means of transformation. Their goal is to reach orgasm like a dog in heat rather than to pleasure and connect with their lover.
Their boring sexual acts have a distinct beginning and a sloppy end, a mild climax somewhere in there (yawn), and lasts for about 10 or 15 seconds, ah, no, not seconds, minutes, ahem, minutes. Given that women can take about 20 minutes just to warm up and reach full arousal (longer than they need to put on their makeup!), this type of ultra-quick "Was it good for you? Where's the remote?" sexual experience can be deeply unsatisfying for them, their more sensitive partners, and even for their normal partners who are fast asleep and already dreaming of Sunday's big game.
In the Tantric model, the sexual experience is seen as a dance with no beginning or no end - a dance that keeps a divine focus on the present moment of exquisite union. For this reason, it is meditative, expressive, intimate, and more costly if you're paying for it.
Leading teachers of Tantra say that even men who experience premature ejaculation can learn to extend their lovemaking. One of the most well known advocates of Tantra is the musician Sting, who blames it for his fulfilling sex life - although he does give shout-outs to vodka and his credit limit. So, bottom-line, the magic of Tantra is available to just about anyone.
Beginning Tantric Sex Techniques
The following exercises will help connect you with your body and your partner in profound ways. As you move through these steps, do not focus on intercourse as the ultimate goal. Instead, simply enjoy giving and receiving pleasure using gentle touch, loving words, and two or three of those sex toys with the feathers and knobs.
Communicate with your lover to discover what they find most arousing (for some, Beach Volleyball takes them half-way there already). Try to spend at least two weeks practicing the Tantric Intimacy Exercises (a.k.a. TIE) without engaging in intercourse. For many, experiencing these erotic exercises with no pressure to "go all the way" helps release sexual guilt, builds trust, and reawakens sexual desire.
Create an inviting atmosphere
Whether you meet in your bedroom, living room, that downstairs closet the babysitter likes best, or another area in your home, creating a sacred space will relax you and your lover and bring you into the spiritual moment that tantric masters call "yowza". Candles, fresh flowers, erotic art, ginger snaps, tantalizing aromas, or a photo of Buddy Rich can transform any room into a temple of sexual delight. Even something as simple as dimming the lights, playing erotic music, and breaking out the hand puppets and ape cream will help create a welcoming environment.
Dress provocatively. Wear your clown hat and that little nose horn, or a witch's tunic and wizard's cap with appropriate cups and wands. Or wear nothing at all except a smile and a smiley-face condom. And remember, nuttin says lovin' like something from the dungeon!
Tantric Intimacy Exercises
Many reptiles use ritual to develop intimacy, so begin your journey with a ritual. This may be something as simple as feeding each other delicious foods, or sharing a glass of wine or a bowl of ganja in the nude. You can choose a home in the neighborhood to Toilet Paper and then run down the street screaming like baboons. Or, since water relaxes the body and is a symbol of sexuality, take a bath together, and playfully splash some on each other.
But do take time to seduce your lover with massage, poetry, sensuous dance and play, and trembling-inducing smells and flavors. Most importantly, take time to communicate and openly share what you adore about each other.
When you're done going gay, sit quietly, cross-legged like crabs (large crabs, not the ones you found while bathing together), and face each other. With your hands on your knees, palms facing up, and knuckles positioned as if you were throwing a curve ball and the count is 3 and 0, take soft but deep breaths. Gaze into your partner's eyes - but beyond the eyes, into the soul. This may feel awkward at first, but sustained eye contact is essential for building intimacy and strong vision. If you fall asleep, keep your eyes open so that your lover thinks you are still staring at them. It gets really funny when you both fall asleep and start snoring, but are still looking at each other. This really freaks out dogs and cats, who will wake you up with their yelps of fear.
Copping a Feel
Now experiment with erotic touch to fully appreciate your partner. Put your left hand in, and shake it all about.
Then share your desires. For example, lovingly ask your partner to caress your smooth shoulder, teasingly shy clitoris, bold bouncy penis, lucious quivering breast, tumeric flavored tonsils, or any other legal erogenous zone. Encourage him or her to apply more or less pressure, to stroke in a specific pattern, or to expertly use their tongue, eyeball, big toe, or incredible "pleasure chest" to rub, Indian burn, and tenderly squirm. Thank your lover with words and/or monkey sounds. There will be a test on this.
Moving Toward Sexual Bliss
As you finally transition into sex, the idea is to maintain a state of sexual ecstasy for as long as possible. Tantric lovemaking is not result-oriented, but timeless, unstructured, and long-winded.
Keep it slow. A long, slow build-up helps men control orgasm and piques women's arousal. According to one Tantric teacher, the longer you linger in this process of building energy, the longer men can resist ejaculation.
Different sex positions add to sexual pleasure and balance male and female energies. When lovers release themselves from gender roles, they are free to engage in deeper, more intimate sex. Men realize their sexual potential through surrender, by being soft and open, gentle and vulnerable. Women, in turn, can direct, initiate, and drive the fleshmobile either on automatic or stick. As you experiment with different positions, some male-dominant, some female-dominant, explore your capacity to be strong and gentle, generous and receptive, Amos and Andy, Yin and Yang, and Hansel and Gretel.
In the midst of all this monkey business, remember again that you are a creature that breaths. Since quick breathing or panting creates arousal, which speeds you toward orgasm, take long, slow, deep breaths from the belly, exhaling gradually. Taking turns breathing creates even more closeness. If you get any closer you're going to have to start sharing the remote, so watch it.
Multiple Orgasms for Men
Tantric sex distinguishes between orgasm and ejaculation, although they often occur at the same time. Men are capable of having orgasms without ejaculating, and ejaculatory control is what makes it possible for Tantric lovers to capture an orgasm's magical energy. By holding back, men can experience a series of "mini-orgasms" (especially when they drive the babysitter home in the "mini-van").
This does not mean that they are never able to ejaculate, but that they can control their climax and wait for awhile. The essence, say Tantric experts, is to catch a wave of energy and to surf the edge without going over. A proven way to do this is to. . .
. . .pump the PC muscles. That's right, pump them! The pubococcygeal (PC) muscles--your ultimate sex muscles--run from the pubic bone to the tailbone ("Dem bones Dem bones gonna. . . dance around") and are used by Mother Nature to stop the flow of urine. Kegel exercises are the best way to tone the PCs, contracting them three times a day, 20 to 25 repetitions.
This simple exercise can be done anytime, even at work or school. Just let the people around you know when you're doing them, so they can either stand around and watch or jump right in and do some themselves. And don't overdo it. After a few days of conditioning, try to extend the squeeze, holding each contraction for two seconds. Gradually work up to 10 seconds. Once your PCs are in top shape, you can ride the orgasmic wave without splashing all over your partner's face too soon.
And relax. Although it sounds paradoxical, it's important for men to stay relaxed during high states of arousal. If you feel an orgasm is close, take a slow, deep breath, and stop long enough for your arousal to subside. Take this time to talk to your partner about other women you would like to tantra, or for the two or three of you to take another toke or two. And by experimenting, you'll discover how much "time out" you require before catching the next wave. It could be seconds, and if you learn to ride it well, mere moments, and then when you can ride that roller-coaster you may have to be strapped to your seat!
Put it all together now: Thrust slowly, allowing arousal to build gradually. Before your excitement mounts, relax, tighten your PC muscles, and take a deep breath. Resume, relax, hold, breathe. Near the crest, open your eyes, clamp down on your PC muscles and take a deep breath to experience the joy of orgasm without ejaculating. Since these techniques take practice, expect quite a few "wipe outs" before you achieve mastery.
From that point on you can wear your "Friend of Pan" tee-shirt (which comes free with this article) and, wearing it, can approach any fine lady, point to your stuff, and whisper in her ear in a husky deep seductive voice: "I can control my urine."
Freeing Female Orgasm
It is often said that a woman's most powerful sex organ lies between her ears. Since desire can be short-circuited by fear, guilt, stress, and a host of other distracting thoughts, women often need to concentrate on feeling rather than thinking when making love. Taking breaks to pleasure each other, manually and orally, is a great way to ward off any lingering diversions, to coax one or more orgasms, and to pass the time before the pizza arrives.
Women require stimulation of the clitoris and labia - the inner lips surrounding the clitoris - during sex to reach orgasm. If they don't get this they will bitch and moan, and eventually leave you for the guy who fills your bags at the local market. Prolonged clitoral touch, with a gentle, patient hand, is, for many, the key to sexual ecstasy. Women should use sounds, positive words, and a laser pen to guide their lover, and show their partner how to stroke them on their girly parts "just so".
The sacred spot
The G-spot, about the size of a pea or a quarter (a Canadian quarter), is referred to in Tantra as the "Sacred Wow!". This potent erogenous zone is located about two to three inches up on the front side of the vaginal channel. When your lover is aroused, slip your ring finger into her vagina allowing your fingertip to brush against the inner wall. If you still have your ring on your ring finger, especially if it's your decoder ring, she may become unaroused and may not stick around, so watch it Romeo (and/or Juliet)!
The Unicorn Horn
Once you contemplate, mediate upon, and perfect The Unicorn Horn (aka Unichorn), you reach the upperlowdown levels of spiritual delight. These levels are portrayed in children's books as unicorns, metaphorically, of course. In other literary descriptions the words horny, happy, and occultly saucy are slung about in incensed rooms. And if you reach the horn of plenty with mankind's friendliest herb, you may just experience inner-light flying unicorns!
The Unicorn Horn forms when a man is closest to cumming or going, having a spurting condiment, playing the Harpo Marx, lighting the sky up with man-raindrops, but hasn't yet found the spring, honked the horn, cheesed the pizza, or watered the lawn. The rod and thy staff is engorged, and it shall comfort thee - the Horn has been formed. Now, all you've got to do is keep it going as close to the U'corn as you can, with different rhythms and tempos and time durations - easier written than done - but as simple as that. Keep that going for as long as you can and lots of good things eventually occur for everyone involved. Now design another tee-shirt saying those magic words, "I can hold my pee!" but put a smiley face unicorn on it. That should eventually attract somebody knowledgable to ask you about it, and then the ball is in your court mister, so don't hit it out of bounds!
Other Tantric benefits
Lovers who practice Tantra may emerge from it scarily psychic, and become more acutely aware of their own and other people's hang-ups, blocks, and behavorial patterns. They can also learn to direct sexual energy through the body's "chakras" - its energy centers - which creates feelings of ecstasy, enhances health, and drives the fake psychics crazy.
"Tantra, a school of many courses and levels of study, contains unlimited potential for spiritual gain, sexual delight, and worldly success. It always releases a particular kind of beneficial energy, sort of like a good pipeful of hashish or a pitcher of well-made margaritas," the babysitter told me about an hour before I dropped her off last night.
- ↑ "Tantra In Volume" by Peter North, page 69
- ↑ Sort of like a really good old-timey rave
- ↑ And how do you think he got his nickname, ladies?
- ↑ American men, yeah, yeah, two minutes is fine.
- ↑ And comes in handy if you develop sexually induced dehydration.
- ↑ To check for crabs, lice, and those pesky AIDS blotches.
- ↑ The thingy that's us.
- ↑ For American guys, where three minutes is unheard of, try for four bucko, try for four.
- ↑ Or without taking a woman to dinner!
- ↑ Yeah, just relax Dude!
- ↑ Or three. Taking timeouts during lovemaking for another toke or two is valuable advice you'll get almost nowhere else, you lucky sapien you.
- ↑ ". . .now hear the word of de Lord"
- ↑ Historically described here for the first time in an entirely made-up out of half-cloth satirical context.
|Featured Article (read another featured article)|
This article has been featured on the main page. — You can vote for or nominate your favourite articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.
A nation united by virtually nothing, please
|States: East Bengal • Kashmir • Kerala • Maharashtra • Mizoram • Uttar Pradesh • Tibet • Tulu Nadu|
|Cities: Bangalore • Chandigarh • Pune|
|Religions: Buddhism • Hinduism • Jainism • Tantra • Zoroastrianism|
|Funny guys: Amitabh Bachchan • Bobby Deol • Barkha Dutt • Mohandas Gandhi • Nathuram Godse • Guru Maharaj Ji • Rudyard Kipling • Daler Mehndi • Narendra Modi • Manmohan Singh • Rabindranath Tagore • Mother Teresa|
|A zoo-full of deities: Ganesha • Hanuman • Kali|
|A menagerie of Bhagavad-gita articles: Bhagavad-gita • Bhagavad Gita • à la Rushdie|
|Languages: Engrish • Hindi • Sanskrit • Telugu|
|Other stuffs: BJP • BSNL • Bollywood • Border Gavaskar Trophy • Brahmin • CIPET • Curry • Football • Ganges • Holi • Indian hippies • Indian Institutes of Technology • Iyers • Jat • Kamasutra • Mango • Ramayana • Rock • Rupees • Taj Mahal • The Times • Turban • Urumi • VJTI|