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Tank Abbott (born William Bartholomew Adrian Athelstan IV) is the uncredited pioneer of the art of Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and is considered to be the greatest MMA fighter to have ever graced this earth. He is an undefeated MMA fighter who has beaten countless legendary warriors such as Masahiko Kimura, Frank Mir, Andrei Arlovski, "Broke" Lesnar, Royce Gracie, Mike Tyson, Butterbean, and Scott "Lionheart" Blevins. Abbott has also mastered numerous martial arts such as Muay Thai, Tai Chi, Nude Wrestling, Tae Bo, Bow-Tie, Tae Kwon Do, Kick Boxing, Box Kicking, Egyptian Stick Fencing, Lucha Libre, Kendo, Sumo, Greco-Roman Humping, Fa Kyu, Cockfighting, Wrestlefucking, and the Ancient Art of Making Mean Faces.
Certain people believe that Tank has been around since the beginning of time itself, and like the god of Christianity, needs no creator. Although several prehistoric cave drawings closely resembling what looks to be Tank Abbott holding wild animals in a headlock exist, the first verifiable historical account of Tank dates back to ancient Babylon, where he defeated Hammurabi in a game of grab-ass. This pissed him off so badly that he ordered Tank to be castrated immediately. Shortly after, Babylon disappeared off the face of the Earth entirely, and lay undiscovered for centuries. Historians now believe that Tank was directly responsible for this in an act of anger. After this account, Tank is mentioned in several historical references, usually during times of war, as "that fat guy with the beard who loves to beat people up."
Invention of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu
One day while walking through Azeroth and minding his own business, Abbott was jumped by a gang of rabid Juggalos, who proceeded to try to rape him. After knocking all but one of them out with a single back-snapping eel strike, he jumped on the last one and put him in a rear naked non-consensual sex choke, swiftly ending his life. Seeing how well this worked, Tank moved to the slums of Rio De Janeiro to practice his ground grappling skills on local poor people. Soon he became a master at this art, and sold the ownership to the Gracie family for 5 pesos.
Abbott threw a dart on a map, and it landed on Huntington Beach, CA. He moved there and started beating people senseless in late night bar brawls and street altercations.
Entry into the UFC
Abbott was discovered after he knocked 900 lb. John Matua's head clean off his body during his first official MMA fight, landing it in Dana White's lap. Dana was so impressed by this performance that he got an instant erection and immediately gave Abbott a permanent contract to the UFC, with a 9 figure salary. His first fight in the UFC was against Royce Gracie. Abbott quickly overpowered Gracie and pinched his prostate, causing him to tap out immediately.
Next, he would be facing Minotauro Nogueira. Victory came swiftly as Abbott jumped on Nogueira and tied his windpipe in a knot. In his next fight, which was against Fedor Emelianenko, Abbott started the night by pulling Fedor's nutsac to his ankle and flinging him in the face with it during the stare-down. Although this infuriated Fedor, and caused him to attack Abbott with a flurry of devastating punches and kicks to the chin, Abbott managed to stop him with a sneaky uppercut to the adam's apple.
His most legendary bout was against Frank Mir. Mir came out strong, and took Abbott to the ground. Things were looking hopeful as Mir tried setting up for submission after submission. What Mir did not know was that Abbott feels no pain, and thus cannot be submitted. After tiring himself out for three 5-minute rounds, Mir collapsed from exhaustion. Tank took this opportunity to stomp Mir's testicles repeatedly, ruthlessly, and without mercy. The match was called off, and Abbott was declared the winner.
In January of 2010, Tank fought Kimbo Slice. The two men spent the first round kissing each others fists back and forth. Finally, Kimbo was overwhelmed by Tank's body odor and collapsed, going into convulsions and foaming at the mouth. Tank Abbott thought he would gain recognition for the critical response, but he got laughed at and got grounded by his grand dad.
On August 11, 2010, Abbott fought a rematch against master TKO hump-artist Cock Lesnar. After repeated take-down attempts by Lesnar, Abbott got bored and decided to have a cocktail in the middle of the match, something never before seen in the history of MMA. As Lesnar lay on the ground wheezing and panting like an exhausted mule, Abbott finished his cocktail and bombarded Lesnar with a blitzkrieg of uppercuts, illegal knees, and bad breath. Lesnar applied his always-successful counter-attack (cowering and covering up), but it was of no use against the much more graceful and technical striker. The end of the match came after Tank Abbott got Lesnar in a face-down north-south ass-to-face position, and spanked his asscheeks with god-like thunderous fury. Lesnar, pinned down by Abbott's gargantuan beer-gut and his asscheeks throbbing and as red as a baboon's, had no choice but to cry. The match was stopped and Tank was declared the winner, also having been awarded the $2.53 Submission of the Night Award.
On March 15, 2011, Tank fought professional boxer and pizza eating champion James "Taps Out" Toney. This started off as a rivalry that happened over 9000 hours, 300 minutes, and 10,000 seconds ago after Toney mocked Tank's flawless masculine beard and continued with "dkdkdkadjmsj xmskxmnsjsnjkmdk smdksjmddsskdmskdmjssjssjmjjnwuemdnjjenjs kmwkjeiiwoisiiajwosm Tank's bitch ass!" After a hard training session at Pizza Hut and KFC, which consisted of eating drumsticks, refilling soda, and licking other people's fingers, Toney was ready for Tank, but unfortunately lost by submission via Figure four leglock a few seconds into the first round.
Abbott won his most recent bout against Georges St. Pierre via eye-lick. Abbott was actually set to face St. Pierre in a nude wrestling oil match for the 10th annual French Canadian Homoerotic Humping Tournament at a dingy Quebec City bar in late July, but Abbott launched a pre-emptive strike by giving St. Pierre a flesh-eating eye infection by trying to remove the overgrown toe nail of Jake Shields (which became lodged in his eyeball) with his tongue immediately after the fight. St. Pierre died in a hospital shortly after of unnatural causes.
On October 30th of 2011, Abbott had a much anticipated legendary rematch with Scott "The car salesman" Ferrozzo after 15 years. The two men had a long standing feud, which began at UFC 11, when the unthinkable happened: Ferrozzo was declared winner by split decision over Abbott. The decision was soon reversed after it was found out that Ferrozzo threatened to eat the judges if they didn't declare him the winner. During the next 15 years, Abbott and Ferrozzo squared off against one another frequently at eating contests held at truck stop restaurants and small town dive bars. However, every single event ended in a tie, since both men have a bottomless pit for a stomach. There was only one way to settle this: to put on gloves and have a deathmatch. Since attendance was expected to be so high that no venue could accommodate it, the event was held at a pigroast in Tank Abbott's back yard. The two men squared off in a "Loser Gets Naked" match. Ferrozzo threw a few haymakers, which Tank countered with a strong right hook, dropping Ferrozzo to his knees. It was over from here. Tank mounted Ferrozzo in a reverse pig-hump mount, and proceeded to pound Ferrozzo's head. This didn't faze Ferrozzo one bit, who even attempted to eat Tank's hand at one point during the match. Finally, after 20 minutes of humping, the heat from the friction from all the fat rubbing was becoming too intense, and the fight was called off by the local fire department. Tank was declared winner by decision, and Ferrozzo was forced to get naked, but fortunately the camera battery died before this happened. The two men shook dicks and became friends, and have frequently been seen at all you can eat buffets together since then.
Cardio and Conditioning
The most important and unchanging aspect of Tank's conditioning is the art of Alcoholism. Tank sleeps with an IV that pumps a steady stream of moonshine into his rectum for maximal absorption. The first thing Tank does every single morning is a power-lifting routine consisting of getting his fat ass out of bed. After breakfast, Tank slowly makes his way down to The Gym (the name of the local bar down the street), where he typically spends his entire day doing beer-bottle curls, keg-stands, crate lifts, and urinating frequently. His cardio mainly consists of playing darts, beer-pong, arm-wrestling, explosive diarrhea, and fighting innocent drunk old men. Tank also stays in shape and keeps his skills sharp by throwing a power-punch at the eye-socket of every third person he passes by while walking down the street.
14-time Mr. Olympia winner Tank Abbott maintains his flawless, chiseled physique by following a strict, balanced diet specifically engineered for athletic performance. For breakfast, Abbott cracks ten eggs into a blender and adds a liter of vodka. He chugs it down while watching re-runs of blues clues and chatting on the phone with his mother in law. 99% of Tank's nutrition comes from fermented beverages, the other 1% consists of whatever he happens to get his hands on when hungry. This includes, but is not limited to: snickers bars, cream-filled donuts, bacon fat, happy meals, bicycles, fire hydrants, minority children, a side of your grandmother's ass on toast, skittles, ho-hos, and Chinese food. Abbott likes to limit his calorie intake to Over 9000 calories a day. After a hard day of training (drinking cocktails at the bar), Abbott likes to finish off the night with a Strawberry Basiltini.
|Win||Dan Severn||Submission (Finger in anus)||Brawl at the Mall 16||2012-5-22||1 0:44||Within hours of the conclusion of the event, Abbott was arrested by mall police for allegedly committing the crime of defecation in public. As of now, a grand jury has yet to officially charge Abbott.|
|Win||Scott Ferrozzo||Submission (Suffocation)||Abbott vs. Ferrozzo: The Pigroast||2011-10-30||1 20:00|
|Win||Mariusz Pudzianowski||KO (Exhausting Wrestlefuck)||YAMMA Pit Fighting||2011-08-19||2 0:02|
|Win||Georges St-Pierre||KO (Eye Lick)||UFC 300: Decision||2011-07-20||1 2:30||Wins UFC Welterweight belt and sells it after finding out that it does not fit around his waistline.|
|Win||James Toney||Submission (Figure four leglock)||YAMMA Pit Fighting||2011-03-15||1 0:42||This is Toney's MMA debut|
|Win||Brock Lesnar||Submission(Spanking)||Abbot vs. Lesnar 2||2010-08-11||5 4:59|
|Win||Kimbo Slice||Submission (Frontflip Flying Scissor Kick Thunderstrike)||YAMMA Pit Fighting||2010-01-23||2 1:51|
|Win||Wanderlei Silva||KO (Suplex followed by rape)||YAMMA Pit Fighting||2009-08-30||1 2:55|
|Win||Randy Coture||Submission (Mandible claw)||YAMMA Pit Fighting||2009-02-17||1 3:22|
|Win||Mark Kerr||Submission (Camel clutch)||YAMMA Pit Fighting||2009-01-11||1 0:10|
|Win||Scott "Lionheart" Blevins||KO (Headbutt to the ovaries)||YAMMA Pit Fighting||2008-04-11||1 1:55|
|Win||His Wife||TKO (Five-Star)||Thanksgiving Dinner||2008-6-30||1 0:01||Retained Spousal Abuse Championship title|
|Win||Chuck Norris||KO (Mean Stare)||YAMMA Pit Fighting||2008-09-21||1 0:00||Norris had a heart attack during stare-down|
|Win||Butterbean||Submission (Boston Crab)||BodogFIGHT: USA vs. Russia||2007-11-30||2 0:33|
|Win||Joe Jonas||Submission (Tank-bag)||Abbot vs. A Jonas||2007-4-28||1 0:45|
|Win||Masahiko Kimura||Submission (Penile kimura)||National Freesparring||1998-02-21||N/A|
|Win||Mick Tierney||Submission (Crucifix)||National Freesparring||1998-02-21||N/A|
|Win||Gary Goodridge||KO (Elbow to the upper lip)||PRIDE 1||1997-10-11||1 4:57|
|Win||Sean Alvarez||KO (Nutsac used as Speed Bag)||Pentagon Combat||1997-09-27||1 0:52|
|Win||Chuck Kim||Submission (Wet willy)||World Fighting Federation||1997-02-14||1 0:23|
|Win||Manny Pacquiao||KO (F5)||N/A||1996-12-25||1 2:39|
|Win||Andrei "The Puppy" Arlovski||Submission (Nipple twists)||World Vale Tudo Championship 1||1996-08-14||1 4:42|
|Win||Marco Ruas||Submission (Forced oral copulation)||Ultimate Ultimate 1995||1995-12-16||1 18:00|
|Win||Dave Beneteau||Submission (Indian Sunburn)||Ultimate Ultimate 1995||1995-12-16||1 1:15|
|Win||Mike Tyson||Submission (Torture Rack)||UFC 6: Clash of the Titans||1995-07-14||1 17:45||Won UFC 6 Tournament|
|Win||Brock Lesnar||Submission (Guillotine choke)||UFC 6: Clash of the Titans||1995-07-14||1 0:09|
|Win||Frank Mir||Submission (Incessant stomps to groin)||UFC 6: Clash of the Titans||1995-07-14||1 0:57|
|Win||Fedor Emelianenko||KO (Uppercut to Adam's apple)||UFC 5: The Return of the Beast||1995-04-07||1 2:23||Won WAMMA, UFC, and Pride FC Heavyweight belts. Becomes Eternal Champion.|
|Win||Minotauro Nogueira||Submission (Windpipe tied in knot)||UFC 3||1993-10-23||1 1:11|
|Win||Royce Gracie||Submission (Prostate Pinch)||UFC 2||1993-10-22||1 4:25|
|Win||John Matua||KO (Decapitation)||UFC 1||1993-10-20||1 0:24|
|Win||Kurt Angle||Submission (Wedgie)||Pre-UFC||1986-9-13||1 1:00||Returns after 18-year hiatus|
|Win||Bruce Lee||KO (Belly Flop)||Abbot vs. Lee||1968-08-11||5 4:59|