HowTo:Cope with Being Tang'd
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“The human race was a-dyin' out! No one left to scream and shout. Shinji wanking in the room, Tang will get ya pretty soon! Big Man Kaji was a-hangin' out, Hangin' up and hangin' down, Hangin' in and holdin' fast, Hope his 'melon farm will last!”
“...”
“He realized that he really loved her, that he couldn't be without her.”
“...Okay, you're weiwd!”
“And you're complaining about this?”
“It's NERV's biggest weapon! A fifty-foot war-club inflatable by hot fluid! Guaranteed to never shoot blanks!”
“Tom joined the new order of Eva Pilots, being attracted by the showy character of their "regalia." He promised to abstain from getting his act together, having a social life, and from telling his tinpot superiors to get lost. Now he found out a new thing - namely, that to promise not to do a thing is the surest way in the world to make a body want to go and do that very thing.”
“What a sweet dream! Pick up the bags, get in the lush's car! Soon we'll be away from here, step on her neck and wipe those tears away! What a sweet dream, came true, in Tang!”
So, you have been, or are about to be, tang’d. Perhaps you are reading this article while you should be cramming for tests on The Progressive Era, Graphing Functions, and Medieval Folk Ballads, perhaps you are stoned and laying among the beercans on the sun baked Georgia grass, listening to the Allman Brothers or daydreaming about Neon Genesis Evangelion, or perhaps you went on a junket with four other filthy otaku to Tokyo-3; either way, you must face the consequences. That being said, who says you have to let the whole ordeal go to waste? After all, how often does the end of the world come about? And how often is it all because of a dysfunctional father with Mickey Mouse gloves, a walking corpse with blue hair, a pack of crotchety yet lovable geezers trying to rip off the world, and a popular drink that gives copious amusement to both preschoolers and writers of chemistry textbooks alike? Take the bull by the horns and Make It Count!
Contents |
[edit] 1. Think a Thunk, and Make It Wacky! (Extra Points for Proving Freud Right)
Your deepest, most stigmatized desires will appear in real life when you are being tang’d; however, that hefty, middle-aged teacher for whom you always had a soft spot will immediately turn into Rei Ayanami, and then you’re (figuratively) screwed. This might actually work for you if you have a thing for clones, in which case, cut to the chase and think about Rei in one or several compromising positions. (Note: any foods you may be subconsciously desiring will taste like Tang.)
[edit] 2. Society’s for Squares!
Yes, now that the world is finally falling to pieces, you can finally stick it to the man – Without Consequence! No forfeiting a brilliant career in the arts and sciences for spouting stoned nonsense while slouching about the aisles of the local convenient mart, eyeing the Swedish Fish lustfully – nothing really matters, as the song says, so say goodbye to establishment! Grow your hair long, follow a life of drugs and rock and roll, and let the clean laundry pile up on your bedroom dresser, regardless of your mom’s threats of swift and terrible torture. The only drawback to this plan of attack is, of course, the fact that after eight seconds you will be tang.
[edit] 3. Oh, Geez, It’s Really Happening!
Pray. Pray harder than you’ve ever prayed before. Since you’re in all probability a pervert, stoner, slacker, and otaku, you got some ‘splainin to do!
[edit] 4. Aftermath
Enjoy a world with reduced population, Take the opportunity to start your own empire, or perhaps Chat up Asuka (but don’t chat up Shinji, or else Asuka will raise Cain).
Of course, the Aftermath will not be all flower power nonsense; as is common in all post-apocalyptic thriller fiction, the baser nature of humanity will begin to be evinced, as seen in this primary source:
Excerpt from Stormy Monday: a Journal of the Tang Year, found upon the posthumous person of Benjamin Franklin, edited by Oscar Wilde
Day 1. Sun came up; still a sea of tang everywhere. The blue girl has done her worst, I pray. Have nothing but some matches, a lantern, and an anthology of CLAMP’s greatest hits, and of course this log and a Bic pen, in this canoe. Feel a cold chill – drank some tang, warmed over a lantern. Feel better. Sky’s never been clearer. Oscar asleep right now – looks so tender.
Day 2. Told Oscar he could swim it – drat the contemptible queer! Went aground today, thick trees and bushes everywhere. No one in sight. Occasional otaku crawling out of the Tang ocean; cry about no Tokyo Mew Mew manga spared from Blue’s insensate wrath. Took up with a redhead and her slave – poor bugger has to serve her dressed as a schoolgirl. Shed a tear – pardon the smudged writing. Jolly good orange groves about.
Day 3. Found John McCain today – apparently he was spared from the shock but is currently stark mad, yelling about raisins in the sun. Has thrown in with our party, is currently giving me a catechism about whether “the redhead likes older men.” I fear for his life.
[…]
First Day of Winter. Made camp on the Great Wall of China – Ranma joined in with us. Right quaint little hermaphrodite – but Shinji is attempting to talk to it on the sly. Or rather, he was, until his lady took out a machete and gutted the poor devil right then and there, and dared any of the rest of us to mutiny. We are in this together, I fear. Have to secret the diary on my person.
Christmas Day. Got a pink bunnysuit from Aunt Ginger. Asuka demanded that I try it on. I swallowed my pride and did so. I have no regrets, Journal, if this be my last article
Day 45. Dismal times today. Friend John and I escaped with our lives and not much else. Asuka is currently on our trail, dragging What’s-his-name behind her, I’ll wager. Hid until nightfall, and only then got out of the Moscow area by joining The Allman Brothers Band as roadies. If I ever see home again…
[...] Day 99. The fight is over. I have won the battle with myself. I love Asuka!
[Editor’s note: the manuscript breaks off here]
