Tampon

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“Free the tampons!”

~ PETA on tampon cruelty

“God made chickens tasty and God made tampons absorbent! Deal with it.”

~ Random woman

Tampons (Tamponis digitalis) are small invertebrate animals originating from the island of Tamponia in the Gulf of Mexico. In 1934 the island was discovered by the sinister Gertrude Tendrich, dame of adventure, founder of Tampax and particularly strong gusher. She set out on a quest to discover the world's most absorbant material after America's supply of loofah sponges ran out during the Great Depression. Tampons are bred in tampon farms, after which they're sedated, packaged and sold.

Contents 1 The life cycle of a tampon 2 Common misconceptions about Tampons 3 Anti-Pregnancy Device and Baby Plug 4 Tampon-related illnesses 5 Tampon species

[edit] The life cycle of a tampon

The life cycle of a tampon last about a month. A tampon spends much of its life as an egg. After hatching, the Larva morphs into a pupa within three days. When they reach pupa stage, larvas choose whether they want to morph into an imago or a lombardo. The imago stage has three sub-stages: zergling, fledgeling and finally, newborn tampon. During the lombardo stage however, the foetus undergoes severe physical training, receives more protein and becomes much larger, until it finally grows into a full-sized teenage pop star.

[edit] Common misconceptions about Tampons

"Tampons are a health hazard and should immediately be thrown in the trash after use."

• Wrong. Tampons are safe to eat and they have good nutritional value. They're commonly used by Scientologists as an addition to placenta dishes.

"Tampons should be kept away from small children."

• Bla-bla-bla. Tampons make great pets and can be used as chew-toys or pacifiers. They require almost no special care, except hourly high-alkalinity formaldehyde baths, any kind of phytoplankton and a musical environment (26Hz sine or triangle wave vibration at 55 dB).

"Tampons do not like being stuffed into female genitalia and spending their lives as undignified sanitary appliances."

• Who told you these lies? In the Tampax corporation, we always think of you, the customer. And kittens, and rainbows.

"Is Tampax really a soulless corporation that exploits animals for the sake of tremendous profits?"

• If we don't have a soul, how come we can offer you a Jumbo tampon value-pack for only $29,99?

"If my boyfriend and I want to have fun, a tampon will protect me from getting pregnant."

• This is true only if you have the new Maypax Babycide tampons. These will kill your baby right when it's coming out but you still have to deal with morning sickness and all that shit.

"I heard on Pat Robertson that when you pull out a tampon, that's the Devil's way of teaching you to have abortions."

• Pat Robertson also thinks constipation leads to homosexuality and that dogs are inherently communist. In reality, he's only partly right.

[edit] Anti-Pregnancy Device and Baby Plug

In more recent developments, big-time tampon companies such as Ricky Bobby's official NASCAR sponsored tampon corporation, "Maypax", have switched to a new marketing campaign for something called "Tampombs". Tampombs come with built-in "Birth-control bombs", the world's first baby-killing birth-control device. Though referred to as a form of birth-control, the BBCB (British Birth-Control Bureau, manufacturer and distributer of Tampombs) decided that this "euphemism" was misleading. In order for the tampon to stop the baby from being born, the female has to go through her pregnancy full-term anyway, so it really isn't a birth-control, nor is it a better idea to pick Tampombs over "trusted" birth-control brands.

The way Tampombs work is when the baby reaches the full nine months inside it's mother's stomach, the Tampomb begins a slow countdown from the time when the baby starts moving towards the opening of the vagina to when it actually reaches it. The countdown is really fucking unnecessary. But then again, Tampombs are made by the British so it makes sense. The Tampomb is inserted into the vagina like a normal tampon shortly after the bitch's water breaks. Once the baby reaches the vaginal opening and touches the Tampomb, the Tampomb EXPLODES and causes the baby's head to explode. Haha, fucking baby. Anywho, the woman is somehow left unharmed, although scientists are still wondering how those dumbass Brits were able to pull that shit off. So yeah. The bitch survives and lives her life normally.

The question remains: why would you want a Tampomb over a birth-control pill? You must be an idiot to want to go through pregnancy all for nothing. Although, you will get the sensation of feeling an explosion in your vagina. Which you can get just by having sex or by sticking a live grenade up there. I guess the British are famous for inventing useless shit, like the telephone, the lightbulb, the gun, and the cat. Those damn Brits...

Another alternative to the Tampomb is the Maypax Baby Plug, which is designed for pregnant anorexic girls to make them look a little more healthy/obese and to make anorexic girls hungry. The baby plug works like a dildo that permanently remains in your fun-hole ater a full-term pregnancy so the baby stays inside you until you die. Side affects to the Maypax Baby Plug include: extreme vaginal pain, stomach cramps, frequent kicking from that little bugger in your belly, random orgasms, voracious cravings, and death. Death is the most common side affect. So stay away from the Baby Plug.

[edit] Tampon-related illnesses

When unsanitized, left unattended or reused, tampons are known to carry a multitude of diseases:

• implosive diarrhea
• double ass syndrome
• inflated foot
• crappetite
• rabbi mouth disease
• spontaneous hydro-flatulance
• renegade spleen syndrome
• penal growth of anus
• uterian manifestation

[edit] Tampon species

• Giant White Tampon (Tampax Bill O'Reillyus)
• Giant Black Tampon (Kotex Will-Smithus)
• Red-headed Tampon (Playtex Lindsayus-Lohanus)