Tallahassee

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“Time to nut up or shut up!”
~ Tallahassee on Zombies

Tallahassee is the capital of Florida. This is contrary to the common belief that Miami or maybe Orlando is the capital (Miami is actually the capital of Cuba while Orlando is actually the capital of Disney World). Tallahassee is actually a bigger city then it is a-credited for. About 350,000 live in this city, and the ass-end of Georgia. Considering the third-world conditions of the majority of Florida's capital, those two cities would both make much finer choices.

The motto of Tallahassee is Ego phallus sum! which is Latin for "I'm better than you!" or "Where you belong, nigga *bang bang* "

edit History

Capitol

The dick and balls of Tallahassee

Tallahassee is a Muskogean word meaning, "Abondened fields" which is in turn an English phrase meaning, "No really, go away Seminoles, because we want your land."

Shortly after Florida was admitted to the Union there was some contention as to which city should be the capital. Though Pensacola was selected, many felt St. Augustine should have the honor. To decide finally, the mayor of each city set out to meet and Rochambeau for the title. Each man arrived at the site of present day Tallahassee and took to the field with his second for the duel. "Momentary confusion" led to each man striking the other at the same time. After several minutes of laughing, slapping each other on the backs, and agreeing "that was a good one," the seconds called a draw. With no clear winner, that site was chosen to be the new capital. The modern Florida capitol building (pictured) evokes the proud cock and balls to commemorate this event.

During the American Civil War, Tallahassee was the only capital of a Confederate state east of the Mississippi River not captured by the Union. General Electric and General Motors, the Union commanders in the area, later admitted they thought Miami or maybe Orlando was the capital so they just didn't bother capturing it.

During the Second American Civil War, Tallahassee was laid siege to by Republican forces and their powerful ally, CNN. Despite the fact that Tallahassee held a formidable bargaining tool in the form of Mad King Jeb, the city was forced to side with the Republican Forces. The city remained under siege until 2004 when Democratic Admiral John Kerry attempted to run the blockade by taking a swiftboat up the Ochlockonee River. While Admiral Kerry earned his ninety-eighth Purple Heart in the heavy fighting, he was forced to make a ski retreat to Idaho.

Though Tallahassee has not been liberated, the city still holds Mad King Jeb hostage and this has allowed the city to maintain its autonomy within a bastion of Republican territory.


By 2008, Tallahassee becomes the site of a post-apocalyptic gladiatorial arena where elderly retirees are forced to compete for the meager resources that remain in the island nation of Florida. The winner of the final match in the bloodbath before Florida is claimed by the Atlantic Ocean is Janet Reno who kills his supercentenarian opponent with his own dentures.

Tallahassee earned more fame by being the main subject of the March 18, 2009 New England Journal of Medicine. Extensive research conducted over several years proved that if you wanted to give the world an enema, Tallahassee IS where you would put the tube.

edit Economy

The official currency of Tallahassee is the 100 dollar bill.

Eighty percent of the economy of the city is driven by Student Financial Aid. As financial aid is not distributed for summer classes, this has led to an almost complete lockdown of the city during the wan summer months. It is during these months that Mommy and Daddy's money supports the local pizza shops and clothing stores. In order to grow the economy the local government needed to increase the population of students to bring more federal money into the city. This fact accounts for the numerous universities and colleges in the city.

An often overlooked and sometimes misunderstood part of Tallahassee's economy is prostitution. Florida State students are familar with many of the streetwalkers, as they are out and about both day and night showing their wares. Headquartered at the West Brevard Street Burger King, many students wave a friendly hello to the girls they know so well as they pass through or stop in for the daily fare. The city of Tallahassee is praised for turning a blind eye to this vital and beneficial microeconomy, ignoring the girls as they walk the streets day after day. To many people's surprise, only an estimated 52% of all prostitutes in the city are infected with HIV or Herpes. This gives many customers the satisfaction and comfort of knowing that their chance of getting infected is as simple to guess as flipping a coin.


edit Geography and climate

Tallahassee, along with the rest of Florida, is located under a hurricane the size of Texas for roughly twelve months out of the year.

Located in Leon county, Its historic patronage comes from an Apalachee Indian curse set upon sacred ground and infiltrating the water table causing complete irrationality, confusion, and self-entitlement to those Europeans and their descendants who settled there.

As a consequence the constant "huffing and puffing" of dissatisfied customers in Tallahassee add to its rather intrusive humidity. The water content of the air is often so bad, that residents commonly roam to malls to escape the climate. Handicapped children are also sent to malls rather than school to protect them from further brain erosion. As a rather ironic reaction the highly priced items located in the malls add to the horrific climate, causing modern meteorologists to describe the climate of Northern Florida as the "Double Edged Sword Effect".

edit Demographics

edit Population

As of the census of 2000, the population of Tallahassee was made up of 100% posers, 12% conscientious objectors, 48% unconscientious objectors, 98% homeless people, 110% rednecks, 2% posing, conscientiously objecting, unconscientiously objecting, homeless rednecks, .05% other, with a negligible percentage of George Clinton.

Thanks to mother nature Tallahassee also contains at any given time a large population of tourists who don't add to the economy, but are mostly fleeing from hurricanes. Tropical waves in the Indian Ocean have been used as a reason to visit Tallahassee. It is the high ground you know. Mall stores within the city will often have free food and refreshments to help aid refugees from the terrible storms.


edit Homo Controversus

There is considerable disagreement among anthropologists as to the classification of natives of Tallahassee. Though an insignificant population of the subspecies Homo sapiens rusticus (Latin: Redneck Man) is universally accepted, there are two major theories regarding the classification of the dominant population. These theories are the Subspecies Theory and the Separate Species Theory.

edit Subspecies Theory

The Subspecies Theory, first proposed by Dr. Friedrich Kurz of the University of Berlin points to the anatomical similarities of the reproductive system as being indicative of sexual compatibility with Homo sapiens sapiens despite the pronounced difference in brain size, chemistry, and composition (notably the high presence of muscle and bone and near absence of brain cells). Based on this evidence, Dr. Kurz posits a subspecies he has named Homo sapiens stultus (Latin: Stupid Wise Man). The case has been made, though, that Dr. Kurtz is simply too pessimistic to accept that the traits of Tallahassee natives could not be introduced into the greater world population of Homo sapiens sapiens.

edit Separate Species Theory

Proposed by Dr. Esteban José Pamplona César of the University of Anthropology, Lisbon, this theory posits that a species, named Homo pamplonae by Dr. Pamplona, was split off from the parent species by rapid speciation that took place during the small period between the founding of the first Spanish missions and the construction of the Interstate Highway System. The theory states that the geographic isolation of Tallahassee, extreme biological imperfections of the seed population (the kind of freaks that scare children according to genealogical data compiled by Dr. Pamplona), and myriad environmental factors genetically selected characteristics that were not only vastly different from mainline Homo sapiens sapiens but biologically incompatible for reproductivity. Dr. Pamplona has alternately referred to this theory as the Gracias a Dios Theory. Dr. Pamplona's evidence has been disputed by colleagues who point out he just wanted a species named after him, even a mentally retarded one.

Unfortunately the controversy will continue as neither Dr. Kurz, nor Dr. Pamplona, nor any of their supporters have braved an expedition into Tallahassee.

edit Religion

Though located in the Bible Belt, Tallahassee's primary religion is one of worship of oneself. This usually takes the form of a complicated ritual involving a mirror and bringing oneself to orgasm without physical masturbation. Most people born into and raised by the tenets of this religion can get themselves off within seconds.

edit Education

edit Universities

  • Florida A&M University
  • Florida State University
  • Tallahassee Community College
  • Tortuga Captaincy University

edit Transportation

edit Aviation

Though Tallahassee is serviced by the Tallahassee Regional Airport, the city is actually the southernmost extent of the permanent holding pattern over Atlanta and surrounding areas.

edit Mass Transit

StarMetro provides bus service to one or two of hundreds of destinations throughout the city. At first glance of this slew of psychotic drivers and non-existent schedule keeping, one might assume that StarMetro is managed by a troop of chimpanzees, but in fact, its management actually consists of small gibbons with mental problems. StarMetro also provides the leading excuse for the city's homeless people to ask you for money. Do not give in!

edit Major Highways

All major highways in Tallahassee converge in the center of the city at the site of the capital building. It appears to be an attempt to force as many people together in the same place at once, possibly so as to make the city appear more populous than it is. I'm really worried it's going to get someone killed. I-10 is at the north of the city limits, thank god it actually has a major highway.

edit Culture

Tallahassee has been bereft of culture since the Spanish left the area about three hundred years ago. At that time, flamenco music could be heard night and day; tapas, siestas, and fiestas were daily necessities, and everyone was on guard for any possible Jews or Muslims they could force out of the area. The last may have been a display of considerable paranoia on their part as Jews in Florida prefer Boca Raton and Muslims only come to Florida to learn how to fly, and even then they do not stay long enough to learn to land.


edit Mayor John Marks

"Homesickness, it's a serious disease, it can only be treated only with a swift kick in the gonads, but luckly in my case I don't have any." Mayor John Marks on homesickness and how to treat it.

When John Marks was elected, his first act was to extend the city zone to includde his house. He cannot stay away home from for more than a period of two hours. He has been seen crying in the corners, whoreing his way to his house, as well as selling Tallahassee to the Colombian drug lords.


edit Festivals and events

  • Publix Grand Openings
  • Wal-Mart Grand Openings
  • Disbursement of Student Financial Aid
  • Asian kid parade
  • Santa Clause parade
  • Spring parade


edit Sister Cities

Tallahassee has three sister cities

  • Gommorah
  • Minas Morgul
  • Sodom

edit Cast

  • Mark "Marky Mark" Wahlberg as Mayor John "Marky Mark" Marks
  • Will Ferrell as Janet Reno
  • Anthony Hopkins as Supercentenarian Opponent
  • George Clinton as Himself
  • Jeb Bush as Random Hooker
  • Dave Chapelle as Frenchtown Crackhead #53
  • And introducing Manny the Manatee as Flipper the Dolphin

edit Trivia

  • Businesses in the area are famous for having longer return lines than purchase lines.
  • When the local grocery store chain (Publix) announces a new store opening, the mayor calls for a city wide holiday. The Funky Bunch shows up and the jam is pumped up.
  • Riding Dirrrty (with exactly that many rs) is the number one offense of criminals in the city according to police records.
  • Local navigation and often arguments between citizens are often resolved by the proximity of the local J.C. Penny.
  • West Brevard Street is the prostitution capital of the world, rumored to be home to exacly 38.4 hookers per square kilometer, give or take a drug dealer or two.

edit See also

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