Talking animals in the Bible

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Talkingdonkey

Donkeys can talk. Don't believe "secular" science.

According to the Holy Bible, snakes and donkeys can talk. The other animals: not so much.

edit Snakes

The Book of Genesis mentions a talking snake. Satan went in the guise of a snake and tempted Eve to eat a forbidden fruit. She did not know right or wrong from Adam, until she took a bite of that fruit. When Adam and Eve ate the apple, God banished them out of the Garden of Eden. "Damn it! You took the biggest one," spake He. Being omnipresent, omniscient, etc., etc., He knew exactly what was happening in Garden of Eden.

It did not end with banishment. He punished the snakes for granting Satan a temporary license on their snake trademark for the sake of disguise, by removing their legs. Spake He again: "Upon your belly you shall go, and dust you shall eat all the days of your life." Yuck! One astonished serpent (a native of Atlanta, Georgia) said, "Well, shut mah mouth!" and God made that happen as well, hence the lack of talking snakes in the New Testament and beyond. Not a single disciple was a snake. (Judas doesn't count (not beyond thirty).)

Damnnation1

Sinners flee in the face of the wrath of the Lord. Fortunately, one sinner turned around to make a sketch for posterity.

God was not done. He punishes woman with pain in childbirth and with subordination to man: "your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall rule over you. Except in California, where No shall mean No." The man He punishes with a life of toil, spaking thusly: "In the sweat of your face you shall eat bread till you return to the ground." Modern man has broken this curse with Offshoring, but hopefully with tariffs, we can get it back. When an evolutionist sees a snake without legs, he cites Natural Selection as the cause. But creationists have the real Skinny, so to speak.

But this God is a wrathful and vengeful God. (Allah by comparison is a real pussycat.) He took out his greatest ire over the Eden Incident on the apple. He made it barren for all time. If you plant an apple core in the flower garden, you do not get an apple tree, but at most a good feeling from feeding a bunch of worms. Botanists say there is only one Golden Delicious tree on Earth, though it has parts of itself in a million orchards. For a fruit that led the first humans to ruin, it is outlandish that He forced the fruit to depend on humans for its propagation. Perhaps the reader can be the first to ask Him why; the Golden Delicious is not talking either.

edit Donkeys

Ganesha 2

Elephants do a minimum of talking, but remember everything. And they hold grudges.

The ass can speak. However, one can minimize this effect by keeping Kosher, also laying off the egg curry.

As for donkeys, spaketh the LORD: "And the ass said unto Balaam, Am not I thine ass, upon which thou hast ridden ever since I was thine unto this day? was I ever wont to do so unto thee?" Balaam said to the ass, "Point well-taken. You have never even asked to ride me." Then he got out the whip, and donkeys have kept their moralizing to themselves ever since.

edit Horses

Mister Ed was a famous talking horse. However, he would only talk to Wilbur, and neither was in the Holy Bible.

edit Other animals

If you should find another animal that talks, or even a snake or donkey that talks, Christ! you must be at a Furry convention. You had better leave the Bible in the car.

edit See also

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