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From Pee Review
|Humour:||8||I gotta admit, my head is spinning a little after this one. My first thought was that the whole article was off topic. Then again, an article that goes off topic IS the topic. I finally came to the conclusion that this whole piece is very well done and unique. I definately don't recall seeing another article written in quite this style. There are just a few minor things that seem to bother me.
Section 1 - Intro
I had to read the intro a couple of times because the main image had me laughing too hard to focus on what you had written. (More on that in the image section). Something about the intro seemed to bother me but I couldn't quite figure out what it was. After about the 4th readthrough I was finally able to pinpoint it. It's the description of the bar. If you're narrating from the point of view of some swinger guy left over from the 70's (which is the impression that I get) he wouldn't describe the location as a " seedy bar filled with strippers". That would probably be his usual hang out and he would refer to it fondly. Maybe changing that part to something like "Thanks for meeting me here. Sure it looks a little seedy, but the food is great and check out the rack on that stripper!" Something along those lines would convey to the reader that the place is a little creepy but the narrator is comfortable there. It seems minor on the surface, but all your humor relies on building the character of the narrator.
Section 2 - Alright, drinks are here!
Even though this section is dangerously short, I think it's very well done. You really do a great job of building up the narrator character with the first paragraph. I also liked the way you cut off the section because the narrator got distracted. Maybe adding just one or two more comments by our narrator to lengthen it up a little is all that's needed here. Otherwise, this section is very solid and I can only say well done here.
Section 3 - AHH! Hey look kid! It's my old pal Tony!
This is another solid section, and you do a good job of continuing to build the narrator character. But I wouldn't be doing my job if I didn't find something to pick at right? The one and only problem I have with this section is our narrator seems to go from some all - American, stripper loving, whiskey sour drinking, bar fly to a British stripper loving, whiskey sour drinking, bar fly. Our narrator starts to say things like "I can't rightly", and "poofter". These are decidely british terms. Up until this point I was under the impresiion the narrator was an American character (I know, Americans and their damned arrogance right?) As I said earlier, you're whole article relies on the narraotr character you create throughout the article. If he's American, fine. British, fine too. Just don't ride the fence. Go hard one way or the other. If your making him American, use words like queer instead of poofter (I think that's what poofter means). In other words, sell this guy as an all- American jerk.
Section 4 - ...Man, you know how buzzed I am right now?
Once again, we have ethnic confusion running rampant. I can tell you with all certainty in the world, no American male has ever used the phrase "want to go court some strippers". And in my mind the narrator of your article wouldn't either. The rest of this section is really good stuff. The part where the narrator slurs his speech, then calls himself on it is great.
Section 5 - Hey there, sexy!
On this last section, I'm a little torn. I was dissapointed that the stripper wasn't a total ditz and actually came across as somewhat intelligent. On the other hand, I really like how you have the stripper point out the narrator as a perfect example of how narrating should not be done. After weighing them both out, I think the way you have it now is the better of the two choices.
To sum up, this article gets funnier to me every time I read through it. The only flaw I can really point to is the seemingly American narrator character using obvious British dialect. If you can fix that, you have some comedy gold here.
|Concept:||8||When I think of humorous topics, "Unreliable Narrator" does not come to mind. Which makes it that much more impressive that you were able to write such a solid piece. On the subject of length, you're second section could use just a little more to it. Maybe a few more zingers and one liners from the narrator character just to fill it out. I would highly recommend against adding any more sections to the article. While it looks a little short, I think that works perfectly with the whole concept of the article. You have enough written now that the reader gets a good laugh without getting bored of it. I usually recommend people expand on their articles and try to focus on length, but I'm going to go just the opposite with you. Don't touch this one (other than maybe adding a tad more to section 2).|
|Prose and formatting:||8||The spelling is iffy, the grammer is bad, and the structure is awful. I love all of it. It works so well with the narrator character you created. You really nailed the feel of getting lectured by a bar fly. Even though the sections seem to be random, you did a fantastic job of transitioning between them so the reader stayed in a "flow" for lack of a better term. Very well done here sir.|
|Images:||9||Okay, here we go. My absolute, hands down, bar none, favorite part of this article was the main image. I don't think I have ever seen a more fitting image anywhere. The main image looks exactly like the image of the narrator I had in my head. It is just perfect. In fact, if you change this image for any reason whatsoever, I may hunt you down. It's that good. The stripper image works as well. (It's a half naked chick, how could it not work?) The only reason I didn't go with a score of ten is because of the baseball image. It just kinda breaks the whole feel of the article. I know they were watching baseball, but that's such a minor part of the article. Maybe an image of Johnny, or Tony, or the waitress, or even the inside of the bar. Something that helps build that image of a seedy bar full of weird and interesting characters.|
|Final Score:||41.3||This is highest score I have ever given to any article. I really enjoyed it. The oddest part was, the more I read it, the funnier it got. You managed to create a solid character that I was able to really buy into and conveyed it in a humorous manner. This is definately VFH worthy as it sits now, but could be even better with just a few minor tweaks. I really hope you look over the suggestions I made (especially the british/American flip flopping) and consider them. This article has the chance to be something very special.|
|Reviewer:||--—John Lydon 14:26, June 15, 2010 (UTC)|