Talk:UnMysteries:The Disappearance of The Last Cookie
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What do you guys think? My first article. TheLemonOfIchabod 22:54, 30 March 2007 (UTC)
um..good, if you'd let others expand on the comedy.. --The Thinker 23:13, 30 March 2007 (UTC)
hehe sorry about that I just didn't get it. TheLemonOfIchabod 23:25, 30 March 2007 (UTC)
damn it...I guess I am the only one who thinks naming cookies is funny.. :) --The Thinker 23:27, 30 March 2007 (UTC)
edit From Pee Review
It's my first article I've finished. Tell me what you think.
|Humour:||7.5||This is definitely above-average. The humor -- of which there is quite a lot -- would be strengthened, I think, by some judicious formatting. See endnotes.|
|Concept:||8||Good idea. I like the concept.|
|Prose and formatting:||7.5||Again, this is well-written but could use some formatting changes. See endnotes.|
|Images:||9||I admit, I scanned down the article and looked at the pictures first. And they made me laugh. Not that they're great artistic photoshops or anything...they're just funny pics appropriate to the article. Good job.|
|Miscellaneous:||8||My subjective reaction is that this is a good article as it stands, could be improved, and I want to read more.|
|Reviewer:||--OEJ 16:57, 31 March 2007 (UTC)|
Endnotes: On formatting and style: This article uses fairly long paragraphs; most of the sections are single paragraphs. This is OK, but you can gain some strength by breaking them up and even by using single-sentence paragraphs. If I may be allowed to drift off into wacko personal theory for a moment...
I think that when a comedian like Dave Chapelle does standup comedy a lot of meaning -- a lot of the comic gold -- comes from his vocal delivery, his facial expressions, and even his body language. In a good routine the comedian is using everything. But prose has no face (and therefore no facial expression), and it has no body language.
Everything must be done with just the words.
What prose does have is punctuation. It has structure, word rhythm, and typography...and part of the structure and rhythm is use of paragraphs. In the preceding bit, just above, I used a "thesis" paragraph to compare human speech and written prose, and a one-sentence "punchline" paragraph to drive the point home. The thesis paragraph is reasonably well-developed, with compound sentences and lists and parenthetical clauses and whatnot. The punchline is short and simple.
That's one way to use structure to strengthen a piece.
The sentences and paragraphs themselves should be carefully structured too. Conventional advice (textbook advice, I mean) is to put the important clause at the end of the sentence, and the important sentence at the end of the paragraph. OK, well...not always true, I think.
But quite often it is a good idea. For example, your last sentences --
- "The Last Cookie, whether gone forever, or underneath the jar where nobody thought to look, will last for all eternity as the most famous and stupid media bonanza of 2007, because 2007 was a fucking boring year. Amen."
-- is long, complex, and somewhat rambling. It moves from the subject of the Last Cookie to the boringness of the year 2007. It might be better to find a strong, simple sentence for the endpiece.
...OK, to be honest, final lines are mysterious. Often I'm damned if I understand why a perfect end-line is the right one. Why is the last line of Gallant's magnificent short story A State of Affairs -- "In the meantime, I send you God's favor" -- exactly appropriate? I'm blasted to flinders if I know why. But now I'm rambling.
As always, I encourage you to revise and edit your article, and after you have finished that, revise and edit your article some more. ("Richness comes from revision" said some literary bastard, I can't be bothered to Google out who.) During revision play around with structure and rhythm and see what you think works. Have some fun with it.
This is a good idea, well-written, with well-chosen illustrations. I'm glad you found your way to Uncyc, and hope to read more of your stuff here.--OEJ 16:57, 31 March 2007 (UTC)
Why don't you try changing the paragraph about the dog so you treat it like a normal human under interrogation. "Scooter offered no comment on the likely culprit, at one point hanging out his tongue in dumb insolence. It is thought that he is refusing to testify without a solicitor present." Something along those kind of lines could work well. Good article though. Kelpan 18:57, 31 March 2007 (UTC)