Talk:UnMysteries:A Tissue Of Lies

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1st pee review:

Humour: 7.3 avg of each blabbity-blah
  • 1 Part 1 - Enter the Protagonists [9]

I had a number of different reactions to this: hahahahaha, what the fuck?, oh I get it!, and Under user has lost his mind. So why isn't it a 10? Because it might be so random that the humor didn't quite get there. I'm guessing that there are going to be people out there who will only say "WTF???", but that's not me. I enjoy crazy stupidness. When I score concept, I'm gonna take the fact that some people are gonna think that this is just plain stupid into account.

  • 2 Part 2 - The Scene of the Crime [8]

Whoa...? I, uh, think that... I still like how crazy this is, but I still want to know about the crime scene, kinda. You're right, I don't. Why an 8, then? Because it's not as crazy-funny as section 1, but it's still funny. ...Who's Gordon Brown?

  • 3.1 What The Butler Saw [6]

Well, obviously, shorter sections have less space to get to the funny. This section was fairly common, weirdly enough. Maybe that makes it weird? No. This article is weird.

  • 3.2 The Obvious Suspect [7]

I didn't think that this was har-har. More like, hmm, interesting. I notice that having Beethoven as a partner was a one-time gag that was supposed to make us go "ha! That's crazy!" as opposed to being an actual element of the story. That's probably gonna cost you, because pointless gags are, uh, pointless. Anyways, bring Beethoven more into the picture.

  • 3.3 A Chip Off The Old Block [6]

"turn the roll over, Beethoven!" huh? Well, as far as sections go, this one just introduces another character. Here's the problem: any character you introduce is going to be compared with the two main ones. Who cares about a toilet paper mogul when there's Tony Blair and Beethoven to pay attention to??

  • 3.4 Doth The Lady Protest Too Much? [6]

Bay-toe-ven! Bay-toe-ven! This character, also, is pretty lackluster compared with freaking Tony Blair and Beethoven!!! Ah, I guess I see a core problem with this article: how could any story you make compare to the characters involved?

  • 4 Part 4 - The Dramatic Revelation [8]

Thank you! Good conclusion, there. What? That's not the conclusion? At least someone played the piano, and simultaneously found a use for Beethoven in this article!

  • 5 Part 5 - The Conclusion [8]

Okay! Good conclusion, there.

Concept: 8 Okay, let's see here. You've got a murder mystery plus weird characters plus a clever satire of British Politics plus a storyline that's actually kind of interesting: that would be an 8 or a 9. I'm gonna take a point off for being kinda random. I liked it, but some people will just get lost. Also, you rely on weird subtle gags to get laughs, which is pretty hard to do. I should know, seeing as how my articles are fairly subtle. ...no they're not.
Prose and formatting: 9 Mmmhhmmm.
Literecy-cat
Images: 7 I know you only have one picture, so I'm trying to figure in future possibilities.
Miscellaneous: 7.8 jkasdfokodnjsatjabsdg
Final Score: 39.1 You just got Cajeked. Yazow! Did you like?

Final notes: This could go in mainspace now (unbooks, I guess?). In case you care, this wouldn't get VFH in its current condition, but with some restructuring I think it would. Take a close look at my comments in humor and concept. I had fun reading it, UU!

Reviewer:   Le Cejak <-> Jan 6 (16:51)


2nd review:

Humour: 7.75 OK, I'm British as you know, but perhaps I'm missing something. It's a parody of Gordon brown taking over as leader, and old Tony being a bit sick about it right? I'm going to assume so, forgive me if I'm wrong...

Sorry, UU, I just did not really find this that funny. It's one of those "clever" rather than funny articles, and I think perhaps you have fallen into the trap of being too clever for your own good. I suspect that many readers will totally miss the point altogether, and might actually stop reading after a paragraph or two. I hope not as you have obviously put a lot of effort into this, as this is clearly a quality piece of work, but for me I actually found it rather a lot of reading for not many laughs.

Some of the toilet paper gags had some potential, and the Beethoven (Gordan Brown I presume) worked rather well as a companion to Holmes, er, I mean Blair

What's with the toilet paper? Taking the rough with the smooth?

OK, I know there are some cludo references in there, but some more might not go amiss.

I think you can reference some other Blair related things which may have contributed to his final downfall. The war on Iraq is surely the most obvious.

What about Tony's highly paid consultant jobs he now does? Or his position as special chap in the middle east? If you are using this as a way of generally having a spite at Tony, then I think you should be more comprehensive. What about Northern Ireland? Maybe Tony could be being bitter that no one ever mentions that?

I would also try to throw in some more accessible gags especially in the first paragraph if you can. I personally like to see a brief outline of the idea at the top of the article, with an accompanying picture, then the contents and the rest to follow. You just had the contents and the beginning was particularly dry for me. What could the Blair Witch Project have to do with all this?

I did find the whole thing to be rather long also. I think you can probably make this a more enjoyable read if you shorten it a bit. In places it does drone on a little, and I felt while reading that I was having to work a little to get to the funny stuff. I would suggest that you consider going through the whole think with a fresh mind, and remove anything which is not actually adding to the funny. There is plenty to create the mood, and I think some improvements to the prose would help a lot also. Strip it down, and maybe add something about the concepts I suggested.

It's just a bit long for what it is...

Concept: 8 As I said, it's a clever concept. The danger of doing a parody is that the reader must get the point or it's waisted on them. If you will allow me to whore to you for a second, I wrote The Color Problem (don't even comment on the spelling) and I hope I managed to get away with doing a cross over between Racial Conflict and some rather silly stuff. When I mentioned something in the article which was really actually about something else, I used a link to the actual thing I was talking about. For example, the Turin Test was really Apartheid, and RGB were the National Front. Take a look at how I did it and see if you think this might be appropriate to your article. Whatever you do, I think you need to find some way to make more people understand what this is all about. Especially if you are thinking VFH, as many of these pesky Yanks, have little appreciation of this kinda humour and are likely to miss it. Oh, I know it will spoil the effect a bit for those who do get it, but it's a price I think you must pay if your wanting to win votes. Dam this democrazy!
Prose and formatting: 8.5 Almost a 9 for me, but there are a few places which the text is a little bit rambling without really being "in style" for me, and I'm not totally happy with the way in which you do your conversations. Maybe consider using a different style or maybe even cquote. Cajek likes to use different colours, but simply putting the text in quotes is a bit pants I think. Check out the way some other authors solve this problem, and pick the one you like best.

The prose is consistent, but I think you could do to write it a little more as though it had been written by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle himself. Maybe even go over the top, and write in an even more Doyle like style than Doyle himself, just to hammer the point home.

I think the prose is very important to this article as it really relies on setting the mood and making the reader forget that it's really about a murder, and not a political takeover.

Images: 7.5 The pics accompany the text, but do not (in my view obviously) really add that much to the funny factor.

There are also some rather large sections with no pictures at all. I like to see a pic accompanying just about everything, and the large unbroken sections are rather hard to read.

As a possible guide to try to back up what I have said about the pics, and the whole thing generally, I think it's a good rule of thumb that if you can't think of a pic, then the section itself is probably not that great.

Miscellaneous: 7.9 {{Pee|7.75|8|8.5|7.5}}
Final Score: 39.65 I appreciate that I may have missed some of the jokes in here, but perhaps that is the point of the review. If I missed them, there is a fair chance that a lot of other people will also, especially non Brits. It's just the way of Uncyc, that if you want to you work to be popular it had to appeal to a wide range of readers, and I think that this really only appeals to a rather small subset. That's not a problem, and I think you can get away with this, but you need to dramatically spice the funny up if you are thinking VFH. In my view, this will not make it as it is. Although I have given a good overall score (for me) it's really due to your quality prose, and the important score (humour) is lacking behind.

I may be wrong about all this of course. I did try to get Gay featured after all! Good luck!

Reviewer: MrN Icons-flag-gb HalIcon.png WhoreMrn.png Fork you! 00:19, Jan 17


edit VFH

Wow, this finally got featured? Good deal, I lovelovelovelovelove this article. =D sirErr.gifsysrq @ 23:56 Jul 27

Thanks Sys, good of you to say! --UU - natter UU Manhole 10:25, Aug 1
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