Starship (Cult)

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Grace Slick before and after her hairspray addiction, the effects of which shock even her.

Starship was a cult formed in 1984 after a drunk Grace Slick ripped Paul Kantner's fugly human disguise off his head during the live Star Wars Rosh Hashanah special (filmed on the Jefferson Starship), and was ejected from the Jefferson Starship fleet.

edit Pre-Starship

After being sued by Kantner over the damage done to his rubbery face and greasy tobacco leaf-like hair, Slick retired from space battles for like a month, during which time she developed a hairspray addiction (see image to the right). Less noticeable however, was her awful drug and alcohol addiction. Real bad stuff right there... Rather than seek help, she started taking pills that made her small. She then started smoking the hookah with caterpillars, and took pills that made her larger to restore herself to normal height. This was later chronicled in the song "Somebody to Love", recorded by Korn. However, her month off soon came to an end, and she became increasingly bored, leading to her desire to get back onto the Jefferson Starship.

edit Formation

On the last day of her month long sabbatical from seducing and killing space noobs, she got totally hammered, stole some dude's spaceship and flew into the sky to take over her old fleet. Expecting a great challenge (due to both the crew on the ship and her crippling hangover), she soon became aware that it would be easier than she thought. Back on the Jefferson Starship, those working under Paul Kantner were fed up with his turkey addiction, which caused him to be constantly fatigued and unreasonably horny. On the night that Grace sneaked back onboard the ship, she and the crew (Pete Sears, Craig Taquito, Mickey "Broke Balls" Thomas, and Don Baldwin [not to be confused with the equally untalented Dan Baldwin]) broke into Kantner's sleeping quarters, blinded him with his own reflection and threw him into space, where he floated for years. In early 2008, he was found alive by NASA. It's kinda funny really... He was mistaken for a spy satellite, and they effin' shot him down to Earth, and a bunch of African people ate him.

edit The Rise

After the coup against Paul, the Jefferson Starship shortened its name to just Starship. This completely generic name made them so forgettable, no one seemed to notice that they killed one of the best known people in the galaxy. After that, they elected Grace as their leader, and turned to drugs to output their excess energy and come up with goals for themselves. As most experiments with drugs are, this brainstorming period became successful. During a coke party with Bill Murray, an extremely high Mickey Thomas attempted to make everyone laugh by doing a Mickey Mouse impersonation. Although he managed to make them all burst with laughter, it was directed more at his undescended testicles/voice than his impersonation (which sounded more like a drunk Asian empress screaming orders to her people rather than Mickey Mouse). Even though he was ridiculed, his voice was charming in its own weird way. Grace Slick, unable to let anybody else have any attention for even a minute, injected herself with cocaine and attempted to do a Janis Joplin impersonation. This failed in the sense that her voice was actually listenable. With two great vocalists in their group, the idea hit that they could control space by dominating the airwaves with pop songs that promoted their message of total domination, the plea for legalized baby killing, and peace through giant hair. But before they could act on this new plan, Pete Sears left to get a pack of cigarettes and never came back, and Bill Murray was overshadowed to death by Chevy Chase.

No Protection Starship

An abandoned Starship album titled "No Protection". Look at their faces. They look like they just stormed the friggen Death Star and are gonna kill some storm troopers. And their hair... It's like someone glued some overgrown pubes to their scalps. What a horrible time for hair.

edit The Fall

Their first subliminal message filled song was "Nothing's Gonna Stop Us Now", a warning song to all those who tried to stand in their way. The lyrics implied that they would use stones to eliminate their foes, and homosexuals. It immediately became a hit, but no one picked up on the warnings. This was followed by "We Built This City", a celebration of an imaginary city built on rolling rocks, so it could be transported easily. These lyrics are supported by a drawing created by an unknown member of the band, later found in the wreckage of the Starship. It showed a bunch of buildings mounted on round rock like objects. (However, this drawing could've also been from the rubble of the elementary school that the Starship hit when it later collided with Earth. I mean, you'd have to be a 6 year old to really believe that a city could be supported by round rocks without slipping off. I bet Mickey drew it.) The cult's final warning to the people was the song "Sara". The song explicitly states the band's intentions to bring "Sara" (an obvious euphanism for world domination) together with the band. The lyrics plainly say that there is no turning back, and that this domination would happen no matter what. There was also something about ass sex. But (no pun intended), little did the Starship know, that right after the release of "Sara", Grace Slick would leave to pursue a career in music, going back down to Earth to join the Jefferson Airplane (one of many bands named after Thomas Jefferson's scandalous transportation device) in 1989, replacing their former vocalist on their final tour. Without Slick, the Starship soon faltered. It wasn't really anyone's fault other than the designers of the ship. You see, when Grace launched the escape pod, the force blew up a bunch of oxygen tanks and tore apart one of the exterior walls. It was a HUGE mess. Anyways, the Starship then went crashing to the Earth, colliding with the Happy to be Alive Elementary School. No one's really sure what happened to the people on board (if they escaped or not), but all those kids and teachers just disintegrated like *snap*. This ended the short lived legacy of the Starship, one of the most unknown but kick-ass stories of our time.

edit Cultural references

Every movie about space domination is based on the Starship. Either that or Star Wars or maybe Star Trek. I always get the two confused.

You know what? I was probably thinking about one of the other two. My bad.

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