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This article fails to be funny on so many levels.
Suggestion: Use what actually made it originally funny - and then apply hyperbole. I'm pretty sure people reading this were expecting more of the 'The mach 5 is not ready haha!' rather than yet another article spamming mouth frothing drivel about gayness, rednecks, corrupt childhoods, etc., etc.
Even observation fails to be funny at a point - especially when it rehashes what's already been done (speed's androgony, his name being speed, his parents effectively lacking names, etc.)