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From Pee #1
|Humour:||7.0||OK, this is my first ever Pee Review, so I'll try to be good, but you might want somebody else to do it properly for you afterwards. I thought this article was generally pretty funny. It isn't hilarious quality yet, however. Most of the jokes are based on things going off in a different direction to where you think it will go, which works here - I like the Designer Baby Depot joke and the beautician suggesting botox. I also think the Bashful rape joke, especially when you repeat it, is funny. Perhaps more jokes about the dwarfs would be good. Some sections are a bit dry, though. I didn't really laugh at the whole Huntsman scene, until the whole "killing him instantly", which was so abrupt I actually found it quite funny - just like the best bits of Uncyclopedia. I also didn't laugh at the "Smack" dwarf joke. That may just be personal preference, but maybe he could have been called something else, like Womaniser? Or Serial Rapist?
So, in general, fairly funny, but there is room for more jokes, especially at the very end, where it feels a little rushed, and the Handsome Prince idea, though it is funny, could be funnier. Perhaps he buys her and mounts her on his wall? Or instead he kisses her, she wakes up, and then he is arrested for sexual harassment and necrophilia? I don't really know.
|Concept:||5.0||I'm guessing the idea here was simply to write Snow White in an old-fashioned style, but then add modern quirks and an alternate ending. I think thats a pretty decent concept, but if there had been one stronger theme running throughout it might be funnier. Such as, slightly more emphasis on the pale skin thing, because that was left out toward the end. Maybe incorporating that into her ending up very tanned after death because of her stupid glass coffin left out in the sun. Just an idea to make the article seem more connected. Then again, it might be boring.|
|Prose and formatting:||7.0||The prose and formatting is generally absolutely fine, I went through just before changing a few capital letters, just typos basically, another proof read and they'll be perfect. I think that the big first letters at the start of each section is a really good idea, to add to the storybook feel. The only thing really wrong is the grey is a bit pale in my opinion (I'm trying to be in depth here! :P)|
|Images:||6.0||You have six or so images here, and they are all decent ones, so that's fine. I especially like the Facebook status caption that goes with the second to last picture. The first image could do with a caption (perhaps something like Her original name, Snow White Blood Red Night Black, was too long to fit on the Depot receipt, so they had to cut some bits out. Luckily, they decided calling a child "Blood Black" was just a bit cruel.) I don't know who the beautician picture is I'm afraid, so either I'm stupid and keep it, or you could change it, but the caption wasn't particularly humourous anyway. Neither was the one that went with the huntsman, unfortunately.|
|Miscellaneous:||6.25||I just averaged everything else out. Is that right?|
|Final Score:||31.25||I think this article could be really funny, and I hope it gets to that stage. I'm not an experienced person here, so you may want someone else's opinion before you go on and make any changes. Good luck, I can see it being nominated at some point in the future!|
|Reviewer:||Nameable ((talk?)) 17:03, 28 May 2009 (UTC)|
From Pee #2
|Humour:||7.5||I like the direction you're trying to take it in, and I laughed a few times, but right now it still needs work. I think you blend your storytelling too much between the actual fairy tale and stuff you make up as you go. I'd recommend either making a completely made up verison of Snow White, or following a line-by-line parody, making jokes as you go. Should you choose the latter, the article might be better off as an UnBook or even an UnScript, because that might give you more to work with (i'll get into this more in other sections).|
|Concept:||7||I'm all for making fun of old fairy tales and such, but I was confused as to what your writing style was and how it relates to the fairy tale. For example, Snow White is set in a fictional fantasy land, yet facebook and cars are modern day things. In my opinion, you blur the line between a fantasy and fictional too much, so I think, because you're making a parody, you should make sure to avoid references to more 21st century things (with the possible exception of a link or two, such as your link to Democrat). Another thing you might want to avoid is the repeating of several phrases, such as when you said "but that was stupid" in both of the first two images.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||Overall, I thought that your Prose and Formatting were good. You've got your images in the right places, and your sections are spaced out nicely. There, are, however, a few problems: first, I think you should spellcheck this; there are a couple of minor spelling errors here and there. Second, you miss the quoations when someone is speaking a few times, so make sure you take care of that. Finally, I think that, as stated in the humor section, some of your text repeats itself. You should probably take out that line "Can we rape her?" - that wasn't really funny, and felt kind of out of place.|
|Images:||8||Decent. They don't have any laugh-out-loud moments to the article, but I think they go with the text well. Really, the images are fine; I wouldn't worry about them.|
|Miscellaneous:||7.5||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||37||Basically, you've got a decent article with a lot of potential. To recap, the best the things you can do for your article right now are to make sure you've got it in the right namespace, check over it for spelling errors, and fix any plot holes you might have in your writing. I think could potentially be VFH, so i'm curious as to what you plan to do with it.
Bottom Line: Fix any plotholes, spell check, and watch the kind of language you use in writing it. Good luck! =)
|Reviewer:||Saberwolf116 20:57, 9 June 2009 (UTC)|
From Pee 3
|Humour:||8.2||Fagarella! How are you? Avg of each section, 7 is an average score:
I'm going to bother to explain why: First of all, you get an 8 automatically for writing an article on freaking "snow white," which every wiki needs an article of. You get a 10 because it's over the average in cleverness. Not much more than that.
|Prose and formatting:||6||Here's what I think: “We need to give her a proper burial.” So over the next few days... I think anytime you use "so" there should be a break if there's no way to make the two phrases into one sentence. "We need to give her a proper burial!" So, over the next few days,...
As time passed, the dwarfs began to suffer the wrath of the economic downturn, and so they turned Snow White into a piece of art. And they charged ten shillings per viewing. you need commas in there, to give the reader a break. And you used "so" twice, just like that window sill thing. We can't tell if you're being jokingly repetetive or not. The phrase "And they charged ten shillings per viewing" isn't a sentence, it's a dependent clause. You need to merge it with the sentence before. You don't even need the "they" in there, because we know the object of the sentence. I, uh, have a job as a proofreader at my community college.
As the soon to be king of a land further away than this one should be completely hyphened. As the soon-to-be-king-of-a-land-further-away-than-this-one
There were a lot of other quirky parts in there, too. Clean that up and you'd get a 9 or so.
|Images:||8||I liked the repetition of the images at first, but then you lost your guts. It might be funnier to do ALL the images in the style of the first one, or it might lose its funny after a few of them. It's your call, but I say go for it.
Other than that, the images are actually okay as is.
|Final Score:||40.3||One more revision and this could be VFH'd. Actually, technically, it could probably go to VFH right now, but you wouldn't do that, would you? That would make my prose and formatting section sad! And probably some of the more touchy voters, as well!|
|Reviewer:||• <19:56 Jun 11, 2009>|
The Evil Queen won. Much better ending. --Sockpuppet of Narcissus Black 18:28, 19 June 2009 (UTC)
`Cause i`m finnish, i have not so really good english. Just yet. So, i`m happy, `cause thi is the first long article i readed totally! And i can say: This is one of the best articles i had ever read!