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Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Sleep deprivation
|Humour:||6||Hi Mimo, I hope you are doing good. I'm glad you drop by from time to time. I will do as I usually do in my Pee Reviews: give a lot of suggestions while whining and complaining a lot!
First of all, there are some prose issues in the article, I will correct the minor ones once I am through with the review. I like the concept and a majority of the jokes in it though, I think this can be a great article if it is worked on, all the good ideas are there in my view. I also think it could use another section, maybe it could be titled "A sleep deprivation example" and follow a person who is a zombie throughout his day, getting asleep at the wheel, falling asleep while his boss is talking to him, crossing the street in rush hour and be miracously unharmed while being completely unaware that he just cheated death, etc. I think it is a good concept for an additionnal section, there is a lot of possibilities with this!
Let's break it down by sections here, shall we?
"big period of time" could be said better. It would be great if you could come up with a dictionary/scientific definition of sleep deprivation here as a first sentence. It would set up the subject nicely and then you can develop it while being absurd. The second sentence could use the rule of 3: "variety of symptoms like red eyes, sleepiness and hallucinating that Goldorak is out to get you." You know, a funny third symptom. The rest is pretty amusing, but I think it would be funnier to say that the teachers are likely to suffer from this illness since the students are almost rioting in class. "Anyway Sleep deprivation torments lots of people because it causes migraines to them." Not too funny, you could replace "migraines" by "a sensation of imminent asplosion of the skull area."
This section is good in my view, except the prose a bit, see the prose section. Also, it seems the whole section is setting up the very good kidney joke, but there's not too much attempts at a joke before that, maybe one would be welcome, say about some experimentations the pharmaceutical companies did on mouses or humans or polar bears or snails. The kidney explosion passage made me laugh. After that, I just don't understand why you say that coffee will make them sleep? You should say instead how awaken they will feel. In a funny way, of course.
The positive and negative things
I like the header, funny how the guy is coming clean about being as depressing as hell. The goth joke is also very funny. I kinda related to the article when you talked about Uncyclopedians, ( I suffer from insomnia, which is another synonym you could use for "sleep deprivation") but this passage is a bit awkward since you talk about it in only one sentence, unless the following sentence relates to that? ("You can be a member of our society ...") If so, that is not made very clear. If you go for the Uncyclopedia joke for more than one sentence, I think it may be funny. The outro is good, nothing to whine about.
|Concept:||7||I like the concept, I am surprised that title was free! As I said, you have all the right ideas and some good jokes already. It's also good you make the narrator sound as though he wants to help, but ends up being negative as hell LOL.|
|Prose and formatting:||5.5||Well there are some prose issues, as some passages could be reworked. Also, you use the expression "sleep deprivation" very often, consider replacing it sometimes with a nice smooth synonym, like "horrendous disease", "sleeping impediement", etc.
I'll give you some places that are not too awesome and give an example of it reworked a bit. Intro: "It's easy to understand when someone has sleep deprivation because of a variety of symptoms like..." ----> "A sleep deprivation sufferer can be easily spotted since this person is likely to exhibit the following symptoms: ... "
Therapy: "medecine" ----> "miracle cure". "accumulation of coffee" ----> "molecular isolation of caffeine". "without being inside in a pill" ----> "without being synthesized into a pill"
The positives and negatives: I tweaked the header a bit. I'll tweak the whole paragraph when I'm through, especially the goth freak joke, which is very good but written in a confusing manner.
|Images:||7||1.The picture is not too funny in and of itself, and the caption is downright confusing. It could be a good one if you rework the caption to make it clearer, but for now...
2.LOL! The picture is funny and the caption is simple and hilarious. What a geek! 3.LMAO! I like it a lot, Nice finishing touch. Pretty scary indeed!
|Miscellaneous:||6||That is pretty much how I would rate the article so far, but it can be improved easily. You can do it!|
|Final Score:||31.5||I really hope that helps! As I said, the major things you should consider working on to improve the article in my opinion are the first pic, the prose (I gave you some pointers) and another section (I hope my suggestion gives you ideas). Since I write the suggestions on the fly in the Pee Review when I say what I see could be in the text literally, I think it would be good that you take time to develop/tweak them if you take any of them. Overall very promising, it reminds me of the article you got featured, only this time, you are the only one who wrote it! Feel free to come on my talk page, I'm always happy to chat with you bro!|
|Reviewer:||Mattsnow 04:17, September 23, 2011 (UTC)|