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edit From Pee Review
My first article, so I was hoping to get some input.
|Humour:||6||This is not extremely funny. See endnotes.|
|Concept:||8||I like the concept. Nice idea.|
|Prose and formatting:||7||Good writing, but needs some restructuring. See endnotes.|
|Images:||6||Good image, not spectacular.|
|Miscellaneous:||7||I like the idea and would like to see this refined a bit.|
|Reviewer:||--OEJ 20:11, 24 March 2007 (UTC)|
Endnotes: On humor: I think this would be funnier with a bit of polishing. The premise is intriguing, and there is potential for a number of jokes in the blow-by-blow plot summary. It depends, of course, on whether you want to present a believable action-movie plot or take sly jabs at the clichés of that movie genre.
On style: The long paragraph of plot summary needs to be broken up. It also needs revision for structure and flow. One of the tools we have in our arsenal is the use of paragraph rhythm and layout.
- For the next ten hours (in-movie), the movie explores the characters, giving a bit of background, and giving off clues as to what may have happened before, and Jack and Marilyn head to the bedroom for a hot sex scene.
That sentence is too long and rambling. For the next ten hours (in-movie) the film explores the characters. That's one complete thought, and avoids repeating the word movie. We find out a bit about the characters, and there are subtle clues about what may have happened before. (Movies don't give off clues; skunks give off scent.) Then Jack and Marilyn head to the bedroom for a hot sex scene. This last idea shouldn't be shoehorned in with the previous ones; it describes definite actions by the characters while the previous ones speak in general terms about the movie. They're different in both subject and focus.
- Halfway through the sex scene, there is a beeping heard from the wall, which the two notice, but ignore for a while, but eventually get annoyed by it enough to investigate.
Again, too long. "There is a beeping heard from the wall" is a "weak" construction, meaning it is indefinite where it should be definite and passive where it should be active: is a beeping heard is indefinite because it does not say who heard the beeping, and it is passive because the beeping is heard. It might be rewritten as Halfway through the sex scene -- er, let's be graphic and start it another way -- Jack is rooting like a hog in Marilyn's bosom when they hear a beeping from the wall. They try to ignore it, but it is too annoying and at last they decide to investigate.
In short, revise. Rewrite the long sentences, put the most important part at the end of the sentence, add jokes if you want ("Jack carefully broke out a section of plasterboard using his forehead"), and for goodness' sake break up the long paragraph into short punchy ones. For an example of a movie summary done in short paragraphs, see The Little Mermaid.
Good luck -- --OEJ 20:11, 24 March 2007 (UTC)