From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Hey again, Orian. I'll be honest: I only scanned this. Some things I might point out:
- Just like in the tie article that I'm too lazy to link to, this is disconcertingly first person. If you're going to do it first person, find a really interesting person to tell the story. (In case you were wondering: I don't think there IS an interesting-enough five-year-old for this article)
- The subject is too broad: "nursery" could mean for plants OR people. It could be a room in a house or a version of Kindergarten, like it is here. The article could be done in a dozen different styles in the form of a dozen different authors. You need to focus in on what you're talking about or write an article about all these things. Hope I gave a little guidance!
• <14:59 May 19, 2009>
- First person is What I do. You must have really skimmed it to miss the fact that "My name is joshy and I'm four". I guess it may cause some confusion with the name but Wikipedia's primary article on Nursery was about pre-school education. And also I couldn't think of a better author for something about pre-school education than a pre-school student. Perhaps Joshy isn't conventionally interesting, but he's four, Nursery is the other half of his entire world. What I've done is (at least tried to do) is find the magic in the mundane. Maybe you missed that, but like with the tie article, I may just have to say sorry but no. :S Thanks though. ~Orian57~ ~Talk~ 15:38 19 May 2009
edit From Pee
|Humour:||7||Well, Orian, I think you've got a good idea, but I don't think this was as good as your previous feature. There are a couple of things that kind of bugged me when I was reading this: first, your images look a little out of place, which i'll get into in the P&F section. Second, this kid, unlike your previous article, doesn't really sound like a 4-year old. There are a couple of words in here (such as "mispronounce") that I would never expect a 4-year old to know. It's still a pretty funny article, the the higher-than-average language for this article takes away a bit of the bang. I think you should read over this another time and dumb it down a bit- the more the kid sounds like a 4-year old, the more authentic the article seems.|
|Concept:||9||I see you've returned with the protaginist from your previous article. Writing an article in the style of a 4-year old is a very interesting thing to do, provided you don't run out of things to write about. It takes some skill to write an article in this style without sounding flat-out stupid, so good job here- the only thing I can suggest to improve is the same thing I said in the humor section- dumb the writing down a bit.|
|Prose and formatting:||6||Since the prose is intentionally bad, I can't really berate you for that- but still, it doesn't look too good when you're reading it, so you get a little off for that one. The main problem is that your images sort of look like they're in the wrong place. When I skim through the article quickly, one thing that strikes me is that your images look too large when compared to your sections. I'd recommend two things here to make your article look nicer- first, reduce the size of the images so that they stay don't overlap into more than one sections. Second, i'd recommend popping an image or two into some of your longer looking sections- namely, the "Sandpit and Water Table" one. Also, try adding an image to the intro- just a generic picture of a nursery should suffice.|
|Images:||8||No laugh out loud moments, with the exception of the first one (Sonje does it again), but I suppose they go into the article OK. Still, I think your article would look nicer if your first two images were smaller, and you added images to the two sections I specified above. A few good ones would be a picture of a nursery room (http://www.johnlewis.com/jl_assets/product/05C_09_HA229_02.jpg) and of a sandbox in the latter section- IMO, smaller, abundant images look better than large, spread out ones.|
|Miscellaneous:||7.5||My overall grade of the article.|
|Final Score:||37.5||I don't think this should be on VFH at the moment because, while it's good, I think there are a few screws you need to tighten. To recap: reduce the size of your images so your article looks nicer, add a few more images to your longer sections, dumb down your writing to make it sound more like a 4-year old, and as an added bonus, expand your last section and remove a few of the red links.
Bottom Line: Good article, not quite VFH yet, fine tune it a bit. Good luck! =)
|Reviewer:||Saberwolf116 23:11, 22 May 2009 (UTC)|